So conflicted
I've been struggling with something lately and not sure what to do about it and could use some opinions.
If you've read my blog you know that SD13 has a lot of issues and is very difficult to be around and pretty much every time she is at our house no one has a good time. Most of the weekend is spent with her getting in trouble from SO. Her issues and behavior stems from multiple problems like lack of proper parenting, a BM who wants to be her best friend instead of her mom, and we think some mental health or genetic issues (which we are in the process of getting diagnosed).
We usually have an ok time with her until Sunday. Sunday is when shit hits the fan and I think its because after 2 days we are just so fed up with her. Especially SO. My issues with the situation are because I can't stand that she makes him mad and puts him in a bad mood. If he's mad at her hes in a shit mood and it ruins my weekend. I think I resent her for that.
Anyways, whenever she goes back to BM's, BM always texts us and says she's never coming to our house again, that we are miserable and are too hard on her blah blah blah. So obviously SD goes home and tells BM that we give her shit all weekend. Which is basically true. We have some fun times, but Sundays are always bad and that's the day she goes home so obviously that's what she remembers. She also doesn't tell BM WHY she's getting in shit. She conveniently leaves that part out and pretends that she doesn't know why shes getting in trouble. That we are just mean and miserable.
So BM said yesterday that SD doesn't want to come to our house anymore and she is old enough to decide now. She basically said that we are not good people to be around and are too hard on her. My response was "obviously the reason she doesn't like coming to our house is because we have rules. You do not. At your house she can do and say whatever she wants. That is not the case at our house. It's understandable that kids don't like rules, but shes going to have to live with it". So BM just says no, shes not coming anymore.
Here's my issue. I don't really care if she comes to our house or not. What I'm struggling with is, and I don't know how I can explain it right, but does it make us bad people if we just accept it if she doesn't come anymore? BM is always saying that SO is a shit dad and doesn't care about his kid. That couldn't be further from the truth. He is a great dad and loves her to death and does everything he can for her. BM is just a nutjob.
If SD doesn't come anymore and we just roll with it and go on with our lives without her, does that make us terrible parents? Does it make him a bad dad? I mean is that like abandoning your kid?
I just feel like there's nothing else we can do and I feel really bad about it. We try so hard but its almost impossible when we has literally no rules at her house but then comes to our house every other weekend and thinks she can just act however he wants.
Do we just let her walk away and not come back? Do we just drop all the rules and let her do whatever she wants so that she has a better time at our house and wants to come? I'm so conflicted. I know SO still wants her to come, but honestly I all 3 of us have a terrible weekend every time she is over. I don't get why he would want to keep putting everyone through that. She deserves to be able to come to our house and have fun, but there is no way that can happen until we drop all the rules and let her live like she does at BMs house.
I just really don't know how to handle this situation......
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I really think this is so
I really think this is so accurate. Sometimes I feel like a lot of skid issues posted are really just kid issues but it's more difficult to look past when it isn't your own kid. I really do make an effort when dealing with SDs to put my bios in their place/behavior before reacting.
I really love this site for all of the advice, insight, understanding, experiences etc., but the most difficult for me to read are the posts that point out the unfairness to the skids., for example "my dd has an amazing wardrobe but my sd looks like crap because my DH is too lazy to buy her clothes and no way I'm giving her dd's hand-me-downs because I don't want BM to reap the benefits of my dd's wardrobe" That would never happen in a nuclear family and it's no wonder some of those skids are disrespectful. I know there are different circumstances and some kids really are brats and have probably burned that bridge with the SM, but overall, I wonder if that is the rule or the exception.
^^ Agree ^^ Even if the
And, for the record, I know the antics of my SD12 and SD8 could be so much worse (and will likely get worse when we hit the tween/teen stage) but I hope (pray, wish) my reasonableness with the skids today will not be punished by their even worse behaviors later. (I know, I know, it's probably a dream! We all have to have dreams, right?
I think there is a healthy
I think there is a healthy balance. I agree 150% that kids need structure and rules. I also believe that kids need encouragement, teaching and love.
I think a lot of parents fall to one extreme or the other: very strict or let's be best buddies. The happy medium is in-between.
"If one parent is a total
"If one parent is a total Disney Parent, raising them "free range," even the most balanced other parent will seem "extreme" and "strict" to the child."
This I agree with. The OP is in a damned if you do/damned if you don't situation because there is no support from the other parent. No they should not become Disney parents, but the thought of giving up on the child over this, I don't know it seems like it's more the BM's fault and not the child. I do think it's a lot of "kids being kids" because she is 13 and has two sets of rules (well one set of rules and one fun house) of course she is going to push/test limits, but I don't mean it's kids being kids like the OP and her DH should look the other way, of course they don't have to tolerate disrespectful behavior.
"I think in stepfamilies, the
"I think in stepfamilies, the screw ups are the focus, not the achievements. And why should stepparents relish in a kid's achievements? They are often excluded anyway. The only things that really effect stepparents are usually the screwups, slights, bad behavior, etc."
This is somewhat of a blanket statement. I DO relish in my SD's achievements and I commend her for them. I love going to her games and watching her score goals - I love when she brings home A's and B's, and I compliment her on how well she's doing with her instrument. I'm proud of her. Her behavior can piss me off at times, but that is not my main focus...I would me miserable if it was.
Thank you Lady. You're right,
Thank you Lady. You're right, Obviously we don't spend all weekend punishing her. We do have lots of fun times. But she is a very disrespectful, rude and ill-mannered child, which mostly stems from BM's lack of parenting.
I think possibly you are
I think possibly you are misunderstanding or over exaggerating our "rules". We have basically 3 rules in our house. No cell phone. Clean up after yourself. Be respectful. These are very simple rules. She does not have chores at our house other than cleaning her room and helping with dishes. Our main problem with her is her attitude, mainly towards me. She can talk to her mother however she wants. She can tell her to fuck off and gets no real punishment other then maybe no cell phone for the night. I am sorry but because I don't let her disrespect me doesn't mean I don't love her and we don't give her love and encouragement.
She gets in shit all weekend because she is rude and disrespectful. I don't blow up at her if she leaves dishes out. On the weekend I asked her to clean her room and her response was "not if you ask me like that". Am I gonna blow up and give her shit for that? You're damn right I am.
So please don't suggest that we focus too much on rules and only give her negative attention.
In a way yes. There have been
In a way yes. There have been many incidents in the past where she has been caught sexting boys and sending inappropriate pictures of herself. BM usually takes her phone away for a couple of days when this happens, but at our house she is not allowed her phone. We let her use it for a few minutes here and there when she is in the room with us. Other than that it goes in the front closet and stays there. SO feels that she cannot be trusted with a cell phone. She is also not allowed on the computer at our house unless we are in the room. Call it strict, or mean or whatever, but she is the kind of kid that will end up pregnant before shes 16 and we are not going to contribute to that.
While that is great advice,
While that is great advice, it would not work on SD. She is a different kind of kid. She might do those things to get her phone back, but nothing would sink in. She would still go have sex. Still would send inappropriate pictures. She has lots of cognitive and boundary issues which we are in the process of getting diagnosis and treatment for. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her not to do something, she will still do it. Not to be defiant, but because she has impulses she cannot control and because she doesn't comprehend the reasons why those things are inappropriate. The best thing for her is to just remove the distraction or thing that is causing the problem, which in her case is cell phone/internet.
Doesn't sound like too much
Doesn't sound like too much to ask to me. She obviously has a serious attitude problem! I would not let that slide, either.
ETA: meant to reply under morethanibargainedfor's post about their rules for SD.
Yes I am the one who
Yes I am the one who responded. All communication with BM goes through me. We had to start this about a month ago because she was harassing SO. We had to block her from his cell phone. She would send literally 20+ texts a day telling him she wishes he was dead, he's a terrible father because he doesn't call SD every night to say goodnight etc. She's very bitter that they aren't together and is a very jealous person.
I have stayed out of it and haven't even given him my opinion on her coming or not. I just struggle with what to think if he decides to let her not come. Will people think he's abandoned his kid? Because that's what BM will tell everyone. But we can only take so much you know? This has been going on for 8 years. The craziness and the harassment. He tries so hard but BM is literally crazy and makes it so hard for us.
I have to disagree with the
I have to disagree with the communication part. Communication only being through my phone has actually worked wonders for all of us and our lives have improved greatly since.. Now instead of getting 20+ negative texts a day, we only communicate about SD and we only hear from BM once a week or every 2 weeks to make plans to pick up SD. He didn't hand off the responsibility to me. I run everything by him, or he tells me what to tell BM. Its just that we don't get harassed anymore because she would never say the things she says to SO to me.
Have you looked into using
Have you looked into using Our family wizard?
What's that?
What's that?
Ourfamilywizard.com It's a
Ourfamilywizard.com
It's a communication tool for high conflict parents. My DH was court ordered to use it. I can't even tell you how much better his stress level is around communication. It is basically a gmail- there is a calendar that shows parenting schedules, you can request switches and it appears right on the calendar if they are accepted. This is our favorite feature since the kids are involved in so many activities that fall on both parent's time. There is an email system to send messages back and forth. There are other tools to it that we don't use like an expense tracker and stuff.
The only thing about it is that in order for it to work, both parties have to use it and not communicate via phone. When BM will try to make switches or have conversations in person, DH will say, put it on the wizard so I don't forget and i'll give you an answer there. Also, in DH's case, the lawyers (and I think the judge) can see his.
Oh Hell no--that doesn't make
Oh Hell no--that doesn't make you bad parents at all! In fact, it makes you good parents. Only good parents have experienced their kids hating them at one time or another for having rules. I would not feel guilty at all. Look at it like, SD has no interest in learning good values and would rather grow up with no boundaries. Not your fault.
How old is she? If SD is old enough to decide not to come to your house anymore, then SD is old enough to take responsibility for rejecting people who actually want to parent her and teach her. It's not good for a minor to have only a "bestie" as a parent but that will be a lesson SD will learn too late.
Let it go. Let the morons decide. You all tried. Enjoy your weekends for once!
I understand that I should
I understand that I should back out of this decision. And I completely have. I haven't given him my opinion on it at all.
What I'm struggling with is how to feel about it.
On one hand I don't care if she comes back because she drives me nuts and makes our lives very difficult. On the other hand I feel terrible that she doesn't want to come to our house and don't know what to think if he just allows her not to come. I know that he/we have tried our hardest to help her and give her structure and guidance and rules but we can only take some much. I just feel like we would be abandoning her if we let her stay away. And I know for a fact that BM will tell SD and the whole world that we are terrible and don't care about SD.
Maybe there are other
Maybe there are other options, like she goes home Saturday night instead of Sunday. Maybe skip a weekend every now an then.
When my SD was 13, she still came over but my husband allowed her to cancel (with notice), which she did if something was going on on her mom's side of the family.
When she was 15/16, she stopped coming over altogether (pretty sure due to a pretty serious lie by BM on top of other alienation tactics). They talked on the phone often but did not see each other much. She regrets it now (she's 22).
I don't think you should throw away all of the rules but I do agree with StepAside in that they can become the focus. I was extremely lucky in that my SD did not have behavioral problems and was respectful for the most part. Her only chore at our house was picking up after herself. She had it quite easy at our house!
I guess it depends on what your husband is and is not willing to put up with and what lengths he's willing to go to. In my opinion, 13 is not quite old enough to make this decision. But I know from experience, trying to force visitation does not always work. BM went so far as to "hide" SD once when it was time to pick her up.
So, if you can reach a compromise, that might be a better alternative than just letting her stop coming altogether.
I have tried to suggest that
I have tried to suggest that either she goes home Saturday or we don't pick her up until Saturday and she stays until Sunday.
I think that would work wonders for us. By Sunday I think she is bored because shes not allowed on her phone and can't just sit and play on facebook all day so shes acting out because there is nothing better to do. Which makes SO get upset. I think 3 days is just too long for her.
SO isn't too fond of the idea but I think I will mention it to him again because things are starting to get worse
A 13 year old does not need
A 13 year old does not need to be glued to a cell phone (I completely agree with not letting her have her cell phone at your house) or playing on FB all day. Doesn't she have any other interests? Art or music or outdoor stuff?
My SD used to say she was bored at our house, also. But when we asked her what she would be doing at her BM's, she didn't have an answer (she didn't even have a cell phone at 13).
You husband may not be fond if this idea but it's better than her not coming over at all.
Does she even know the
Does she even know the requirements to get emancipated? She sounds like an idiot.
>Here's my issue. I don't
>Here's my issue. I don't really care if she comes to our house or not. What I'm struggling with is, and I don't know how I can explain it right, but does it make us bad people if we just accept it if she doesn't come anymore?<
Based on what you have described, I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that the BM is going to get fed up with her and is going to come back to you on guys on bended knee to please take SD off her hands.
So yeah, I would let it slide. I know it is a tough pill to swallow, but based on my experience and that of other blended families I know, it doesn't take long for the other bio-parent to crack and then come to you with child in chains screaming "TAKE THIS DEMON CHILD AWAY FROM ME! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"