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Are men better at being step parents?

Willow2010's picture

Are they more open to your children than you are to their children? Does it seem like they love/like your kids while you can not love/like their kids?

Little info...DH and I split everything 50/50. House, vacation properties, RV ect. He has one kid and I have two.

DH and I were talking about making our will the other day. I assumed that we would leave 25% to my DD, 25% to my DS and 50% to his son. When I said that, Dh said the following to me. (all the while looking at me like I had grown 2 heads!)

DH: "No...we will do 1/3-1/3 and 1/3. Your kids are as much my kids as my son is."

Well I felt unbelievably mean/guilty, because I would NEVER say anything like that about SS.

Are men just "better" at accepting another mans kids?

Comments

askYOURdad's picture

I think so. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but I think overall it's easier for men for the following reasons:

In my case, my kids are boys and DH's are girls- he doesn't have boys of his own so he gets to do "man" things with my kids weather it's sports, video games, soldiers, nerf guns etc. I have often wondered if it would be more competitive if he had a boy or boys.

I think the expectations are lower for men then women in the step parent role. Women typically take care of school/doctors/scheduling/sign ups etc. When we meet our DH's chances are the BM is handling that and he wants the SM to step in or if he is handling it, it is assumed it will fall on the female. For women, we already handle all of that stuff, why would we expect our SO to start handling it? It's stereotypical gender role stuff but I think there is something to it.

Lastly, probably just a personality difference between men and women. Before we even met the BM I bet the majority of us had pre conceived notions about her. Women pay attention to details more, are more insecure/perceptive to how we are being viewed/treated and overall probably care more. In the majority of cases it seems like the bio dad's struggle with insecurity less so they don't go out of their way to PAS against the step parent where I have experienced it first hand with BM and read about it numerous times here.

tabby yabba do's picture

I agree with askYOURdad too.

For the men on these forums, I wonder if they also see themselves as exceptions to the rule. That their maddening step-experiences are more commonly shared with SMs rather than other step-dad's?!

Drac0's picture

I just merely see it as demographics. There are TONS of articles, forums, support, advice etc. for stepmoms. There's virtually none for step-fathers. The divide is almost as wide as the amount of "fashion" magazines out there devoted to a female audience than there are for men. The few spatterings of advice columns I could find that have some advice for stepfathers are chock-full of empty platitudes:

You have to learn to be patient

OOH! REALLY!? Please continue to astound me with your wisdom oh delphic oracle!

StepTalk is one of the few, (if not the ONLY) internet site where stepfathers can actually communicate with other stepfathers on a more profound level.

But if it is one thing I learned, is that MY role as a step-parent is no where near as harsh nor as challenging as some of the stories I read on the blogs.

Rhinodad's picture

I agree with Drac0. It is not hard to find resources that support stepmoms - entire magazines and books are devoted to the subject - but there is a lack of similar resources for stepfathers.

In my experience when I tell people of the travails of being stepfather, I usually get one of two responses: (1) You are a man, suck it up; and (2) You are a man, the problems you have with a stepchild pale in comparison to what a stepmother goes through.

I have a few other good friends who are stepfathers, and I can tell you that maddening step-experiences are just as much the rule for them as they are for stepmothers. Maybe that was not always the case, but now as men are expected to take more involved rolls in child-rearing (and rightly so), I feel it is becoming much more common to find other kindred souls.

askYOURdad's picture

Now that is an excellent point that I had not considered.

Perhaps my original response would have been more of the rule years ago. Now, dads are expected to take on more of a child rearing role, back in the day, the woman stayed home and the man worked. Now they both work and they both share in the child rearing, there are more and more stay at home dads, I see more and more dads at birthday parties/school functions/sports etc.

As the expectations of dads increase it would only be natural for those of step dads to increase as well.

Thanks for the insight rhino!

frustratedstepdad's picture

I don't think it's any better honestly. Anyone who has read my posts on here know how much hell my Stepdaughters have put me through.

Actually in nature, most males instinctively seek to kill the offspring of another male.

It's especially hard because I have seen a lot of single moms be very relaxed when it comes to rules (like letting boyfriends sleep over, etc). Then when the male comes in and tries to establish some type of "order"....the kids revolt.

That's exactly what happened in my case, and I don't think I have a good relationship with any of my stepdaughters because of it. Maybe things were different in my experience because my youngest stepdaughter was already 17 when I came along, and my DW pretty much was letting her run the household.

Rhinodad's picture

This is also exactly what happened in my case. Once DW and I were married and living together and I tried to put rules in place, SD's relationship with me took a serious u-turn. She was so used to getting her way and only her way, she couldn't believe that someone would actually tell her no. She was 4 at the time, and is now 7, and it has not improved.

Sweet T's picture

I am kind of anti man these days,so take my point of view with a grain of salt. I don't think they are better. I just read a book recently called queen Bee moms & kingpin dads. In it they say that the moms do most of the work associated with kids and child raising, that men are just so far removed from it all. I really think that is why it is so much harder on the step moms then the dads.

In a intact family it is generally the mom that runs the show at home with the kids, so why would the men think it would be any different in a blended family.

frustratedstepdad's picture

You do realize that what you've stated is a pretty "old school" point of view. Sure it can still happen in some situations, but when I look around I see men being way more involved in the rearing of their kids these days.

fakemommy's picture

Men may be more involved, but it is really an illusion. My H thinks he is as involved in raising our baby as I am. He is wrong. He is more involved then men were in general back in the day, but moms are usually left to making sure kids eat healthy, get good grades, take showers, clean and are productive human beings while dads just kind of enforce things. Just because dads go to more games and play with the kids more than before doesn't mean they are doing as much as moms (in general, this is obviously not a rule, just a tendency).

BadFairyII's picture

Men are usually expected to be the backup/supporting role in stepparenting. Women are expected to nuture and take over and provide the primary care.

Exactly. There are different expectations for a SD than a SM. Their role is easier, so it's more natural for them to fill it.

Starla's picture

With all due respect, I don't think so but I do believe that guys handle it different than women do. I clearly remember seeing my step dad struggle with raising us kids, paying a lot of CS and hardly seeing his own kids, and than my mom dumped the dirty work on him to top it off. It drug him down and he wasn't the type to cry but I recall him breaking down a few times. He went bowling to escape from it all when things did feel too overwhelming for him. I know its only one example but I have seen the strain in other men too. Guys just don't talk about it as much as women do. Hmm it would be interesting to see what they would have to say if there was a site like this with mostly men on it...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think it also has to do with the amount of sheer interaction between the stepdad and the kids and the amount of work between a stepdad vs. a stepmom. They usually aren't the one cleaning, cooking, scheduling activities, for the kids and their spouse, so they are essentially juggling less and often another monetary job on top of that, and then they get no quality time with their spouse, so it seems thankless.

There's not much for a "dad" in a traditional family to do other than bring home the bacon and be left alone with his beer in front of the TV. It doesn't change much how many extra children are in the house. Times are changing of course. I'd love to see how a guy deals with all the jobs of a housespouse and when he finally gets some downtime, his wife's attention is taken up by either her own thing or the kids.

Would probably drive him bonkers too.

I know just by ignoring DH's emotional needs for a week sends him sulking. Women actually have a higher tolerance for being out on the backburner than men.

not.the.crazy.one's picture

I don't think that's true. I think LESS is expected of step fathers than step mothers. I'm expected to do certain things for my step daughters (which I rarely do), but my DH barely acknowledges my bios existence.

And BM and her boyfriend have been together longer than DH and I have known each other, but no expects anything of him. And he does pretty much nothing.

Drac0's picture

Hmmm...I think your situation has less to do with gender and more about being equal and fair. I would probably do the same with my will.

Rhinodad's picture

As a stepfather, I would say the answer is an emphatic "NO." My stepdaughter has been a huge pain in the butt for me, and pretty much every time she is at our house it is a battle. Even when I try to disengage she tries to seek out ways to annoy me - and her behavior has been right in front of her mother (my DW).

To the people who say the expectations are lower for stepdads than stepmoms, I call BS. It depends on the mother. While your husbands might have high expectations on you as a stepmother, it is up to the woman to have high expectations of a stepfather. My wife has high expectations of me as a father to her daughter, and just like I've seen recounted many times on these message boards those expectations come with loads of hypocrisy. I'm expected to be 100% her father, but when I correct poor behavior, I'm being too hard on SD. When I punish SD for lying, stealing, talking back, etc. I'm too harsh on her, she "just needs to be talked to." When I gave up trying to coparent in terms of punishments, I reported bad behavior to DW (lying to teachers at school, failed tests in her binders, stealing, etc). SD gets "talked to" but no punishment. Poor behavior continues. So, you expect me to parent her as if she was my own child, but when I do all I get is crap and push-back (in front of the skid). I've given up on really doing anything to correct SD's behavior because neither of her parents thinks the little princess can ever do anything wrong. So now I get crap that I'm not doing enough parenting. (And I've heard the "you don't love my kids" line enough to mirror that from any stepmom).

It doesn't help in our situation that BioDad is in the super-friend-zone with his daughter, so when SD7 is at our house she expects me to put up with the same behavior as he does. DW realizes this, but of course does nothing to help the situation.

Drac0's picture

I think your wife and my wife are cut from the same cloth. Although my wife has gotten a little better over the years, raising my SS with DW second-guessing me is like holding the ship's rudder against a storm. Punishments, discipline or any kind of corrective action is a freakin' joke in our house. The few times my DW actually disciplined SS was to appease me. When she admitted that to me, I just shook my head and said "You just don't get it do you?". That's when the tears and the waterworks start "You hate my son! You think I'm a bad mother..." and it's off to the dog house I go.

Rhinodad's picture

Yeah, I just don't get it. You can't have it both ways. Either you want me to parent SD as I would my BS - complete with punishments, or I'm being too hard on her and have to stop correcting behavior. Incredibly frustrating.

The thing is, she has no problem with the way I discipline BS (put in the corner, take away toys, bed early). That's exactly what I'd be doing with SD, but for some reason she is just too precious for that.

Drac0's picture

With my wife, I know *exactly* the reasons why. When she and her ex broke up, SS was the only source of joy in her life. I've seen it before in other single mothers. There is a "hole" left by the man when he leaves so they latch onto their offspring for emotional comfort. While it can be easily masked as a mother's affection, it creates a very unhealthy dynamic (kind of like the relationship Norma Bates has with her son on "Bates Motel"). So they can't bring themselves to punish the child when needed. If they do, the child feels bad and that makes the mother feel bad.

It's called guilty parenting.

Recently my folks asked to take my BS and BD to their condo in FLA. I said that wouldn't be a problem but I would like to clear it with DW first. DW became a puddle of tears. "Why just the bios!? Why can't they bring SS too!? It's not fair! Think of how bad he'll feel!". I replied that SS shouldn't feel bad because SS's father takes him on camping trips, vacations and whatnot. He travels twice as much as my bios do. And besides, SS is in school and has exams. Still, DW was in utter meltdown-mode over how "unfair" it was to poor widdle SS. So I approached SS and explained to him that my folks were taking his half-brother and half-sister to FLA for a week but SS couldn't go because he was still in school. SS just shrugged his shoulders and said "Cool".

DW needed more consoling than the skid.

Rhinodad's picture

See I don't think my wife is a guilty parenter. I've seen her discipline SD7... sometimes more harshly than I would in a given situation. But when I take the lead, or I present poor behavior to her, or SD acts poorly towards me... that's when it is either Angel I'm being too hard on poor princess, or (b) let DW "talk" to her.

The part about trips I understand. My parents live across the country, and DW is terrified of flying. I told her it is ok, we can drive most of the time, but I will occasionally fly up with BS3 to see his grandparents. I of course got the "that's not fair to SD7!" line. Also suggested we take BS7 on trip to disney (we live fairly close), and DW again pulled the "it's not fair to SD7" line. I have replied numerous times that I don't buy that logic because her BD takes her on trips (or could do so), to disney all the time (he gets free tickets from a friend who works there), etc. I've even pointed out that SD7 gets two Christmases, two birthdays, two easter bunny visits, two tooth fairy visits - and how is that fair to BS. I realize it is different, of course, but the point is - SD7's "other" life has fun things too. We shouldn't be stopped from doing things with BS3 just because SD7 isn't with us this week.

BadFairyII's picture

I agree that regardless of gender, any parent can make life miserable for any step by having unrealistic expectations, and double standards. There will always be exceptions to any rule, because every situation is unique, but in general, what is expected emotionally from a man is different from what is expected emotionally from a woman when blending a family.

Typically a stepmother is expected to perform all the same functions as a stepfather, in addition to nurturing. It does sound like your wife has the same expectations for you that society has for stepmothers. So you are in the same boat as many here.

I'm not going to say the expectations are lower for men, but different, making it more natural for certain personality types to be more suited for their role than others. Unfortunately this didn't happen in your case.

tabby yabba do's picture

To answer the original question: Are men better at being step parents? I say generally speaking, yes.

Here's why. Usually you have two bio parents, and the roles are fairly defined and don't often over lap:

The primary parent: the one who is more involved and pays attention to the kids. This parent can accurately recite every current clothing/shoe size, tell you who's up for what vaccination next and has already scheduled the visit, instills the day-to-day values and boundaries for expected behavior, who thinks "long term/big picture" vs. "isn't this cute right now?," the one who does the majority of question-answering, laundry-washing, food-purchasing, boo-boo-kissing, and to whom the extended family/school/society looks to for immediate answers to, or to blame for, the kids' problems/concerns. This parent makes sure the kids' emotional and physical needs are met long before they focus on goofing off and having fun.

The back-up parent (I won't even call them co-parents): the one is less involved in the serious side of raising kids, and expresses more interest in the fun or the "chilling out" with kids. This parent doesn't like to discipline, doesn't like to get their hands dirty by saying/doing something a kid might cry about or complain about, doesn't think about how today's actions/non-actions affect tomorrow's behaviors, couldn't tell you the last time they bought an article of clothing or took it upon themselves to arrange for a necessary medical appointment or innoculation, thinks instilling consistent boundaries is unnecessary or too burdensome, makes excuses for kids' poor behaviors and bristles with indignation when anyone dares question their lassiez-faire parenting style. Fun is the name of the game, not addressing basic needs of the child. Because hey, basic needs just meet themselves, right?

Dad or Mom could be either. But *typically* Moms voluntarily take, or are expected, to be the primary parent. But when Dads voluntarily take (rarely are they "expected to" take) the primary role, their concerns and frustrations are just as real and valid.

Enter in the step-parent. If Moms are primary (and we *typically* are), step-dads get the easy role (back-up). If Dad is primary (less common), the SM is probably ignored/accepted like many step-dads are because they get the back-up role. Once in a while you get a step parent who is a control freak or downright nasty person, and despite their back-up role, they over-step their boundaries and become the hated step parent.

Flame me for being sexist, but I agree that many unfair gender-role-expectations still exist today. Some of that is leftover b.s. from earlier eras, and some of it is control-freak Moms who like it this way too. We like the control. We want to run our house a certain way. We feel uncomfortable allowing another adult to do things their/his way even though their/his way isn't necessarily wrong, just different.