33 yr. old stepdaughter is lonely....is that my job to fix?
My adult stepdaughter is starved for attention. She lives alone, divorced two years ago with no kids. She makes excuses to drop by...to use our internet, use our copy machine, use DH's truck to haul things, use our new boat to go fishing.
I really resented this invasion of privacy so I took action. Her Christmas gift from us was a year's subscription to internet and we sold the car she was always borrowing. Next year's gift will be a subscription to triple A, since she called DH at 6 in the morning to jump start her car.
She lives 30 minutes away, should be enough space. But now, she's taken to e-mailing DH with long winded e-mails about her job, etc. (sigh)
She needs more friends her own age. We shouldn't have to take her on date nights at her age (33).
this can get worse. the more
this can get worse. the more and more sd sees dh as a social outlet, the more clinging and possessive she will become. she might start picking fights with you or bad mouthing about you to dh. with me, sd has a boyfriend and lives with him but sends texts to dh several times a day. i can see if they break up, and the sd will again see me as a romantic threat as she sees herself as the true wife.
Are ALL adult SD like
Are ALL adult SD like this?
Mine also has NO real girlfriends, some acquaintances, but no girlfriends she can share her thoughts and worries with!
It may be because her emotional energy was used for her dad her whole life? I dont get it...
Now, you've got a big responsibility in being understanding and the NICE GUY! If you complain about her behavior about just wanting to see you guys and be around you both because she's bored?
What does that make you look like right?
When my SD would visit, I'd find things missing!
she would steal.. sense of entitlement!! Right?
What she's doing now is no different than stealing!
she's disrupting the flow of your household or just plain peace!
she's stealing your time with DH. It doesn't matter how she's doing it!
she is..
Either you will have to find places to go, or you can look at your space with a little more regard to what your space means to you!
put your foot down and say One day a week.
You will be doing her a favor. She will have to find things to do or find new friends instead of corrupting your peace!!
The problem is, she doesn't
The problem is, she doesn't have a man in her life. No prospects for one either, since she is not very attractive, and personality-wise is quite a turn off to men.
I don't see her ever getting remarried.
DH married me the same year SD's husband left her, so she finds herself without a husband or father. So, she didn't start out as a mini-wife, but is now acting like one.
She complains that her brother never invites her over either. He's married with three little kids. It's too late for her to return to kid sister status or little girl.
Eventually we are going to
Eventually we are going to retire and move to a warmer climate and she'll have to accept reality that DH has a life that doesn't include her. At least we won't be getting pre-dawn phone calls anymore.
I sympathize ladies.
I sympathize ladies.
Tonight we are going to SD's place because she has a "daddy-do" list. Things around her house that she wants fixed, after we take her out to dinner. This was her idea. At least DH invited me to come along, so I'm not spending the night alone.
I wanted to take a fun class with DH that starts tonight, but now we will miss the first lesson.
She will probably always be dependent on us, until we move away eight years from now. She wants DH to move heavy furniture. DH is in his 50s and I'm worried he's going to hurt himself doing that.
I'm trying to teach my husband that it's ok to say no to her sometimes. Even healthy. If he would have gone over to jump start her car, he would have been late for work a couple of hours. His first responsibility during office hours is his employer. He had to say no and a neighbor ended up jump starting her car for her.
I would not call her the
I would not call her the mini-wife, she is just an adult child who's life fell apart and she is having trouble putting it together. How to fix that, I don't know, but your Christmas gifts are a start.
Divorce is tough and for some people it takes several years to get one's feet grounded. Sadly, women tend to put their identities into the marriage so when it ends they feel they are nobody. For that we must blame society.
One thing though, helping her out should be at your convenience not hers. If you have a fun class that starts, you do that and help her out on another day unless it is something critical.
My own Twit called yesterday looking for DH to take her son to his AA meeting today. I had some test scheduled for early this a.m. at the hospital. As DH told her, my health trumps her son's AA meeting. Guess she couldn't argue with that and DH says she said she would have to reschedule her plans if she could. DH suggested that she also take him to AA at a different time as there are a lot of meetings around at all different times and from what I hear (from DH) jr. doesn't think he has a problem. He is just trying to look good before his court date. After that I bet things really change with jr.
We took stepson and his wife
We took stepson and his wife out to dinner for his wife's birthday and SD33 thought she should have been invited. What's funny about that is, her brother and father are the ones that didn't invite her, I'm the one that was worried that her feelings would be hurt. When I suggested she be invited, DH brushed it off, saying she didn't used to come to that. I said, OK, but I don't want to be blamed for leaving her out. I know she thinks that was my fault.
Now she wants to be included in everything we do with other family members.
Since I'm on a roll venting,
Since I'm on a roll venting, I'll get this off of my chest:
We were invited to a wedding, out of state, 5 hours drive away, in the winter, in northern USA. The couple getting married was DH's first wife's nephew. They expected us to be there (or expected DH to go alone). They setup a block of rooms at a hotel, so not only would we be paying for a gift, but major transportation and hotel charges. I felt no obligation to attend, so I sent a lovely card with a gift card enclosed to a dinner at a nice restaurant.
I get a thank you note back saying (kind of cheeky I thought) "Sorry you couldn't come, hope everything is ok with the two of you".
Everything is wonderful with the two of us!!....the only thing we DON'T like is the interference of the former wife's family.
That was nice of you to send
That was nice of you to send the gift. As for their response - hey, the first comment, the thank you is fine. The rest is just showing their ignorance. Since you know the source and the people, don't let it get to you.
Thanks SDM. Nice to see a
Thanks SDM. Nice to see a familiar name.
Did DH attend?
Did DH attend?
Nope. He stayed home with
Nope. He stayed home with me. He would never go off for a weekend unless I went with him, and I made it clear I wouldn't want to spend the weekend in a hotel with a pack of first wife's family.
It helped that it was far away and costly.
I'm in my early 30's. I live
I'm in my early 30's. I live in a new area and have few, if any friends. I get very lonely. Making friends at this age is tough, especially when all your old friends are partnered off or becoming parents. It takes a lot of effort to get out and meet new people and try to find some friends that you have a connection with. Maybe you could help your SD find ways of meeting new people? Suggest a few activities that she may like doing. As someone said above, after her divorce her confidence may have taken a big knock if you (or even better your husband) can help her to regain that confidence then she will not feel the need to rely on dad so much.
Then you're not a stepparent.
Then you're not a stepparent. Not sure why you're browsing this site but I will give you my advice, just as I have to my own SD.
You think it's not easy to start over in your early 30s? How easy do you think it is in your early 50s?
This is what I did when I got separated:
I joined meetup.com a social activities site. It's free.
(1) I loved my job, so I put in extra hours on weekends, took my mind off of it for a time.
(2) I joined a church with women support groups.
(3) I went line dancing with other women (you don't need a partner for that)
(4) I went out in the sunshine and rode my bike and sorted my thoughts out and took in God's beautiful creation. I didn't sulk at home alone.
(5) I talked my sister's ear off. (didn't want to worry and burden my mom, she worries enough)
(7) I took ballroom dance lessons with a private teacher to improve my skills so I wouldn't have to give up my favorite hobby.
(8) I went camping with a group, so I wouldn't have to give up my other favorite hobby.
(9) I played my piano a lot, sharpened my skills, rediscovered a neglected hobby.
(10) Joined an athletic club, spent a lot of time swimming laps, relaxing and soothing to my body and mind. Had my hair done.
(11) And finally, I joined a safe dating site where I met my wonderful husband, so I wasn't lonely for long. Met him just one year after my divorce was final.
Well done. I'm pleased for
Well done. I'm pleased for you. I don't see how my post suggests that I'm not a step parent or how if that were true that would invalidate my advice. I'm pleased you were able to make a new life for yourself and were successful in doing so. Personally I am working towards that too but I do have confidence issues to overcome so am admittedly not always as proactive as I know I could be. For many people meeting new people (me included) is a scary thing to do. But I am trying and will get there, it may just take me a little more time than others.
I was just trying to point out that sometimes we could all do with a little assistance or guidance to get to where we would be happier and being of a similar age and position to your SD I thought I might have some insight. I read your previous reply (that you have since edited) where you listed the things you have tried to encourage SD to do. It sounds like you have had a lot of good ideas for her but she is reluctant to do them. Perhaps you could get your husband to have a heart-to-heart with her about her current situation and if she is truly happy and how he would feel better if he knew that she had some friends to turn to. Then maybe they can work out a plan for her trying to find some new friends on her own terms where she feels confident to put herself in what can feel like a vulnerable position, exposing yourself to strangers.
What I got from your post is
What I got from your post is you didn't think we were doing enough for her already.
And no, as an early 30 yr. old, I don't think you know what it's like being a stepmother to an adult. Unless you're in a May/December relationship....in that case you have my sympathy. Then I would have some choice advice for you.
I edited my list to go into even more detail, as I was remembering more of what I did to survive those two years between separation from my ex and my meeting my husband. All of it true, and I'm sure if I dug deep enough, I could even add more.
What I did to survive, just me, alone with no help from parents whatsoever.
I'm a very shy person, so it is very much out of my comfort zone to put myself out there in new situations, but you do what you have to do to survive.
I don't think you guys need
I don't think you guys need to do ANYTHING for her! What a loser she is lol! Someone needs to tell her firmly that she needs to get a life! Geeeezzzz!!!
Thank you!
Thank you!
You sound very bitter. I
You sound very bitter. I believe she is a Stepparent.
She just probably has a very grounded DH with alot of sense.
most likely so are his kid. And the BM is probably sensible too.
She made a good suggestion about helping the SD find things to do.
Sorry your so angry.
This is a website where
This is a website where stepparents come to vent. Helloooo! Now I remember why I stopped posting on here a year ago. Is there intelligent life on this planet?
BethAnn said she's lonely and starting over, as in not married? Do 30 yr. olds have adult stepchildren? Not unless she married someone her dad's age. She never did say.
Now if you want to hear a nice sweet little story, you're in the wrong place for that. Darn right I'm mad, from the time stepdaughter moved into our house while we were on vacation.
It's not like I'm venting on here daily. More like 3 times in two years.
And, as far as my happiness, I'm over the moon with my life, thank you for asking. Just not real cool with stepdaughter right now.
Your response to BethAnn was
Your response to BethAnn was out of line. I think you got the wrong end of the stick and ran with it. Hopefully you have the grace to let it go.
Your list of things to do is very good though. I guess SD doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. And seems like DH is willing to assume the burden.
It's too bad your SD is pestering you guys like that. Why does your DH let her? Does he enjoy her company so much, or is he feeling obligated for some reason?
I ask because my MIL and my SIL are attached at the hip. SIL never been married, and never really in much of a relationship that we've been aware of. She's 33 or something now. They spend almost all of their free time together. Weird. But they both like it, otherwise one or the other would go and do other things. Given that you're one of the other things your DH does (not trying to be dirty-minded, but }:) ), I'd have thought your DH just wouldn't have the time or the interest to hang with SD so much.
In what way was I out of
In what way was I out of line? I was giving the woman sage advice from a woman that has been there. Me. Without leaning on and draining other people. Taking a proactive role in one's future instead of folding up in defeat.
I'm 33 and I have an adult
I'm 33 and I have an adult stepchild. He is 20 years old and his Dad is 9 years older than me. Hardly "as old as my Dad" or a "May/December relationship".
BethAnn may be young, but her maturity speaks volumes and she has helpful advice.
Personally, I think that the SD should be more self-reliant. Like I said, I'm the same age as her and I don't depend on my parents for anything. I had a rough patch, like she did, when I was 25 and I got myself out of my own mess. It makes me think that if she is so used to running to Dad to solve her problems, she always has and always will. It's not healthy for her. Whatever will she do when Dad is gone?
Nine years older is a LOT.
Nine years older is a LOT. My stepdaughter would have freaked out if her dad married someone closer to her age, and felt even more rivalry.
The definition of May/December is this (from the urban dictionary)
"A May-December Romance is an instance of the romantic involvement of two parties between whom there is a considerable age difference". Considerable is up for debate, but 9 yrs. is considerable, and the vast majority of men are older than 22 when they have their first child. So, I would say you're the exception rather than the rule.
I understand your point and
I understand your point and agree but also disagree. I happen to think that age is better determined by maturity and experience. My DF is 9 years my senior, however he lacks my life experience. I don't think of him as someone in his 40's because he doesn't always act like one. I'd say he acts (and looks) more like someone my age. You can and should act like a grown up in your 30's. I'm sorry that your SD doesn't. She seems like a baby. However, it's insulting to me that you think we all are and none of us could possibly relate to you unless we have some weird, creepy relationship. Your SD's relationship with her father seems creepy to me. I think that SS20 asks a lot of his Dad at his age, I couldn't imagine him continuing that when he's over 30.
I, also, am going gray and have been for many years now. I have plenty of friends my age who are going bald. I think that maybe you are having a hard time understanding just how old we are because your SD isn't acting her age. And that maybe you're not understanding other generations. There were plenty of high school pregnancies when I was a teenager and most of my friends had children before they were 20 years old. I have many friends with children in high school right now. Thankfully, I am the exception there.
I appreciate your reply, and
I appreciate your reply, and I know that teenagers can have babies, but rather than digress to an episode of Maury Povich, I want to bring it back to the topic of how to get a 33 yr. old to start acting like one.
My own children are 28 and 31
My own children are 28 and 31 and they respect our privacy. They always have, and they ALWAYS show DH respect as their stepfather.
Concede? No. This thread is
Concede? No.
This thread is not about Beth Ann.
I am enjoying commiserating with my fellow stepmothers, who overwhelmingly see my experiences as valid greivances. Since you don't, maybe you should relax, refrain from posting here, and let it return to the topic.
You should have seen my 100+
You should have seen my 100+ post long thread on here when we couldn't get her to leave!
LOL We were newlyweds at the time.
The problem is SD WANTS to
The problem is SD WANTS to hang out with us. She complains that she's lonely, no one ever calls, etc, etc. SHE is the problem....DH is perfectly normal and we are very happy together. Because we don't hang out with her as much as she'd like, she looks for excuses to come over, rather than waiting for an invitation. She has trouble with boundaries.
DH had to tell her to call first to check with us, because she used to just drop by, and even let herself in with her key. Even when we weren't home. It gave me the creeps.
He has taken action to establish boundaries, and I'm proud of him for that. He's always been a wonderful dad to both of his kids but he does have trouble saying no, and they take and run with THAT! I'm educating them.
The last time I was on here talking about the first wife's extended family not being able to let go of DH, I got some good advice. Send a card, rather than attending in person to their events. Thank you for that, it helped and I used that suggestion.
Aren't we all just here to give suggestions and support to the person that started the thread? Although I have seen some stepkids on this site too, just wanting to be confrontational.
Someone asked if we enjoy her
Someone asked if we enjoy her company. In small doses I can handle it. We took her out to dinner last night and she always talks so loud, fast, squeaky and high pitched that we can't even understand her half the time. I told DH she talks like she's had 10 cups of coffee. We go home exhausted. And it's all about her co-workers, the outcome of their card games...etc. We just got back from a month long vacation in Costa Rica. Did she ever once ask about or show interest in that? No.
Before dinner, she had DH load two old tvs into the back of our car to drop off at BEST BUY. Then, she bought a new one and DH installed it for her. She wanted him to carry her old big screen tv that still worked up the stairs to the second floor.
That's all he needs, a hernia. He told her she needed to wait until they had her brother over to carry the other end. She wasn't worried at all he would hurt himself. I spoke up and said you are going to hurt yourself, and that gave DH the courage to say no to her. I have to be the voice of reason in this family.
TwirlMS, I agree that sounds
TwirlMS, I agree that sounds like your SD has some abandonment issues after divorcing. She needs a boost to her self-image, confidence, etc. But this is not something you owe to her. Your DH should deal with it and give you a break from the over-saturation you are experiencing.
Thanks Sandye. I don't know
Thanks Sandye. I don't know what DH can do to boost her self esteem.
We've taken her out to dinner, taken her with to a movie. That felt a bit weird, let me tell you. DH was in the middle, with us on both sides.
I was glad to see that she has lost some weight and is now down to a normal size. Now if she would fix her hair, maybe get contacts....I don't know. She's still very plain looking.
She confided that she has a crush on a guy at work and is planning to ask him out, only he hasn't shown any interest in her, she said. I hope it works out for her. That's all she needs right now is rejection from a lot of guys.
She was not a homely girl when she got married at 20 yrs. old. Plain but not homely. Now however....13 yrs. has not been kind to her. I'm sure the nasty treatment she got from her ex has taken it's toll. 33 yrs. old and it looks like she's getting gray hair.
CHILDREN have abandonment
CHILDREN have abandonment issues. Not adults. She's a loser with no life, and I think some tough love is in order.
Especially since she had a
Especially since she had a great childhood with two great parents. The only one that abandoned her was her husband. We're not supposed to be the replacement for him.
I am livid tonight. SD found
I am livid tonight. SD found another excuse to drop by. She wants daddy to fix her computer. Claims it has a virus. He already told her on the phone he doesn't know how to fix it and she should find someone else but she must have badgered him at work.
I'm standing in the kitchen making dinner in my nightgown and in walks SD's dog. She let herself in with the key, after she has been told time and time again she has to ring the doorbell. She's really defiant. While she's waiting for DH to get home, she snoops around the house, takes the clock off the mantle and adjusts the time.
Of course I dish her up a plate for dinner and then she stays until 9:30 p.m., 4 hours. I finally let the two of them be down in the den and went up to bed.
I don't know how DH stands the pitch of her voice late at night. Loud and obnoxious. I finally came downstairs and blew out the candle hoping to signal that it was time for her to leave, but she didn't take the hint.
You're exactly right on that.
You're exactly right on that. She has no respect for boundaries. She's worse than a mother-in-law. She's inspecting the house. The house was perfectly clean when she came over, so she had to find SOMETHING wrong with it and found that the clock had never been sprung ahead for daylight savings time. It's things like that, that get under my skin. You don't adjust the clocks in other people's homes.
Her dog was lucky she didn't get covered in boiling lasagna sauce from startling me in the kitchen while I'm cooking. (Accidentally of course, it's not the dog's fault).
When we were on vacation I locked the screen door, just to feel safe. There's no key for that and I packed in the suitcase the garage door opener so we could get back in.
This morning I gently brought up her behavior last night of letting herself in and DH FINALLY said that we could change the locks. He has warned her many times already to respect our privacy, and no amount of reminding her is going to solve the problem. Interesting that she doesn't do it when DH is home, only when I'm home alone. It's a marking her territory thing and I really hate that.
Oh to see the look on her face when she finds out her key won't work. :O
A week has gone by and the
A week has gone by and the locks have not been changed. No surprise there. Whenever my SD pulls this stunt and I tell DH about it, he gets my hopes up that he will take action but nothing ever happens. He doesn't want to lock out his baby girl.
Yesterday DH had the day off and we spent it doing things we like, including volunteering for a very worthy cause, packing meals for world hunger relief.
When we got home after 10 p.m., our answering machine was beeping. (I've come to hate that sound because it's always SD leaving a whiny message). This time step-daughter had a stopped up sink and she wanted daddy to come fix it. Mind you she lives 30 minutes away. By the time DH returned her call after 10 p.m. she had fixed the problem herself. Amazing! I think it did her good to realize that we were helping the real needy people of the world. Not her plugged up sink.
I think she gets jealous when she heard that DH and I were over at my mom's last weekend fixing her sink. She's an octogenarian with bad eyesight. We SHOULD be helping my mom. Not a perfectly able bodied 33 year old.
That reminds me of another bit of advice I have given her to relieve her loneliness. VOLUNTEER your time for a worthy cause. Instead of focusing on herself, try thinking about people that don't even know where their next meal is going to come from.
Last week when she came to dinner, I also brought up another worthy cause. Volunteering to visit the elderly and homebound. She could live a very fulfilling life by helping other people, instead of always being the person that needs help.
I agree a good thing to help
I agree a good thing to help with loneliness would be for SD to volunteer to a worthy cause but I'm wondering what her reaction / response was. The more you write, the more it sounds like SD is a bit self-absorbed.
Yes, and she also gets
Yes, and she also gets jealous and that manifests itself in many ways.
The day we left for vacation I got an odd text message on my cell phone from an unfamiliar number:
"Enjoy your free cruise" it said. I wasn't sure who sent it at first (SD thinks DH paid for it.) He makes more money than I do, yes, but our finances are none of SD's business.
I didn't say anything to him at the time because I didn't want it to spoil our trip, but she slipped up and texted again the day we got back, giving me instructions about picking up our dog. So, I know it was from her number. She's claiming that her computer was hacked. Her phone too? Yeah right. Her true feelings came out that day we disembarked and she couldn't undo it.
Things about her that bother me, I could go on and on. I'm glad this site is a safe place to let me blog about it, get it out of my system.
To answer your question, when I make a suggestion I usually get a blank look, maybe a nod, sometimes a mumbled "that's nice" and then she continues her conversation with her dad that usually excludes me.
wrong post
wrong post
YOU get the locks changed!
YOU get the locks changed! Don't wait for your DH he'll never do it! Get them changed and be done with it!
Tonight we are going to SD's
Tonight we are going to SD's place because she has a "daddy-do" list. Things around her house that she wants fixed
For holidays and birthdays, I would buy her "how to" and DIY books, power tools, and nails and screws. Happy Fixin'!
LOL, indeed. That's what I
LOL, indeed. That's what I like about this site. It gives me a much needed laugh.
Along with some good suggestions.
We actually did give SD a whole set of power tools two years ago when her house was about to close. This year she got an internet subscription and a printer. SS used to borrow our carpet cleaner all the time and brought it back broken last time. He got a carpet cleaner for Christmas (he pouted the rest of Christmas Day (and he's 34). He had in mind some sporting equipment.
I would love to get a carpet
I would love to get a carpet cleaner for Christmas! And I am serious.
Hi Stepdown. I remember you
Hi Stepdown. I remember you from last time. I hope everything will go better for you.
I'm going out dancing tonight, that's how I relieve my stress.
Hugs to all, and hang in there.
What scares me is your SD's
What scares me is your SD's life is probably where my SD18 will end up. Any advice to get her on track. She seems obsessed with her daddy and impressing him. More focused on that then a best friend or boyfriend. It always seems to be about impressing her dad.
18 yrs. old is a crossroads.
18 yrs. old is a crossroads. I have to admit that I never raised daughters, I had two sons. They both grew up to be wonderful well-adjusted, college educated men and are happily married and blessing me with grandchildren. One is 28 and the other 31. Their key to success in life is a firm foundation in their faith. They are both evangelical leaders in their church.
If your SD is going off to college soon, I would encourage her to get involved in campus crusade for Christ, make friends there. If she's still in high school, there's a group called "Young Life". Secondly her studies, and don't get married until you find a man that is firmly grounded in the faith. A man that is accountable to God.
I was just an 18 yr. old girl when I got married, huge mistake, and I paid for it dearly, until he finally left me 24 yrs. later for someone he met on the internet. My own dad was not exactly a role model for fatherhood either, so dads play a huge role in their daughter's future growing up.
I don't know if you've ever seen the "Courageous" movie but I would encourage all of you to see that. How a family turned their life around onto a whole new path of taking action.
Now I am happily remarried, by the grace of God.
LOL I would love to do that,
LOL I would love to do that, but he's more of a "do-it-yourself" kind of guy and wouldn't want me spending the money for a professional job.
The thing is, DH bought this house as an investment shortly after his first wife passed away, so it's entirely in his name only. I feel like I have to tread lightly. Even though I've made this our home, decorated, painted, cleaned and put my loving touches on it, it's still legally just his. That's one of the reasons I want to move to a warmer climate when DH retires, so we can get a house in both of our names. I don't want any court battles with the step children if DH should go before me.
SD has done her best to make me feel like a visitor here.
Some friends of mine
Some friends of mine travelled overseas for a couple of years. Think about how good it would be to escape. I can't. If I could I would. Imagine two years without SD dropping by.
Does your DH suffer daddy guilt syndrome?
Suspect SDs are particularly good at playing that one.
I'm sure he feels sorry for
I'm sure he feels sorry for her, but he has nothing to feel guilty about. He didn't divorce SD's mother, she passed away after a long illness and DH was the best husband in the world to her while she was alive.
Hearing his story is one of the things that first impressed me enough to want to see him again and start dating him seriously. He was a faithful and loving husband his first marriage and, after 2 yrs. of marriage to me, he is still a dream come true in every way.
I wish everyone could find a wonderful guy like my DH. Unfortunately SD picked a real jerk when she was 20. DH even cautioned her not to get involved with that one, but she didn't listen and now she's paying the price. Bigtime.
I've always been financially
I've always been financially independent of my parents from the time I was 18. I never asked them for anything. Most adult children understand that they are not owed anything.
Sounds like you agree.
I just got done babysitting
I just got done babysitting SD's dog for the weekend. She dropped it off Friday and picked her up Sunday night. I didn't mind until the dog started howling in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm. Woke us up from a sound sleep, and DH had to get up for work at 5 a.m. that morning. Guess who got up at 3 a.m. and let it outside? Me.
SD went to see her cousin, 5 hr. drive each way. That's a lot just for the weekend, but if it relieved her loneliness, I'm all for it.
She arrived to pick the dog up at dinner time, so I invited her to join us. I had just made this beautiful work of art at a studio the day before and had it right in the middle of the table as a centerpiece. She didn't say a word about it. How could you not notice? It was so beautiful and unusual. Guess I shouldn't expect any interest or compliments from her direction. At least she thanked me for the dinner :? That's a start.
The boundaries I expect
The boundaries I expect relates to privacy issues mostly. Politeness, is that too much to expect?
I never invited this stuff, it's asked from me or even forced upon me at times.
As far as her dog, she asked permission from DH (with me present) to bring it over. I actually was glad that she was going out of town for the weekend. (I didn't know it was going to howl in the middle of the night though, lol). What am I supposed to say? She watches our dog when we are on vacation, although we give her a check for $200 afterwards, so it's not like she's doing us a favor. I would rather watch her dog than have her here all weekend though. I thought it would do her good to see cousins her own age.
When she arrives at our house at dinner time to pick up her dog, the polite thing to do is offer her some. I want her to have a relationship with her dad and spend time with him. Just not constantly, to our detriment. Small doses.
When she stays too long, stays past bedtime, calls wanting help with her car before the crack of dawn, calls before 9 a.m., calls after 9 p.m., calls us continuously when she doesn't get a call back, that crosses a line and is rude behavior. Invades our privacy. I don't like surprises and I don't like something imposed on me without consulting me first.
Those are the boundaries: she has to call first, she has to ring the doorbell, and if we have plans, she has to respect that and not come over and let herself in. She does things that crosses the line, but I don't want to completely cut her off. Some things that she wants are appropriate and some are not.
This behavior is odd too:
This behavior is odd too: She's sending e-mails addressed to both her dad and her aunt (her mom's sister) having a conversation with both of them at the same time. She wants to keep the relationship going between DH and his former inlaws, realizes that he has no interest in seeing them anymore, so she tries to force the relationship to continue. Now that's just plain sad.
She made a point to tell us at dinner tonight, that we did not get invited to the stepgrandkids dance recital and for the first time her aunt did get invited. (her brother's kid's recital) I don't know what's up with that. I think she likes to stir up trouble.
We just took the stepgkids a week ago to do something really fun and expensive and when we dropped them off we were told by SDIL that the dance recital's coming up and she'll let us know. Now we find out it's already happened. :? We have showered those kids with gifts at Christmas, Birthdays and Easter. (and guess who shops for and wraps it all, makes it happen...me!). Tried to do for them what I do for my own kids and grandkids, but I never get a followup e-mail thank you or anything.
All I can say is, I'm puzzled by the whole family. I just want the kind of courtesy you would show to anyone.
She is way too old to seek
She is way too old to seek constant attention from her daddy. She is not a teenager. She's been married 11 years already, and divorced for two.
When DH gave her away at her wedding, their whole relationship did change permanently. That is normal and healthy. She can't turn back the clock.
I resent a lot of things that she has done because she has tried to exclude me ever since the day her dad and I got engaged. She has felt threatened by my presence and not wanted me to fit in.
When we have a holiday party, I catch her whispering in a corner with DH's brother and I'm quite certain that it's something negative about me, since they suddenly stop when I come around the corner and look embarrassed. His brothers and their wives and I get along beautifully, and SD feels threatened by that. Her mom was not that close to either of the sisters-in-law, only to her own siblings.
Lately it seems that every night we get home, DH has a long e-mail from SD waiting for him. Sometimes more than one.
We have restricted her access to the house (albeit verbally) so she comes in through cyberspace. Just another door. DH says that he answers her page long e-mail with just a couple of sentences on his part, but it still annoys me.
This weekend I am joining with two other local stepmothers as a charter member of a step-mothers support group that meets in person at a coffee shop in town. Our group is newly formed but I'm excited to meet face to face. Instead of The First Wives Club, that seeks revenge on their ex-spouses (none of which were re-married), we will be the "second wives club"
and give positive reinforcement in these tough-to-navigate waters of step parenthood.
I also get irritated by a lot
I also get irritated by a lot of what my fiancée does for his kids.
The problem is sometimes it doesn't really even affect me at all. I'm so irritated though. I think something like long emails really shouldn't bother you because it doesn't affect you that's said I don't would bother me. I think I get so angry at the whole situation that everything is going to rub me the wrong way. If I step back and look at it I feel like I should pick my battles in my own mind. I spent a lot of time getting upset about things that wouldn't upset me if the entire situation was more tolerable. Do you ever feel that way?
Good point. Yes, a series of
Good point. Yes, a series of small things DO work up to a big one. The last day SD spent in our home was one of these. Beginning with typical sarcastic comments, being invisible, being rude about a gift, using my kitchen without asking, having mumbled sideline conversations with her hubby, and the list went on and on. If I had only to handle one or two items, I would have sloughed it off and gone on to the usual approach of kissing SD's a$$ so she would like me some day. That day it was just too much at one time. In retrospect, I'm actually glad it DID come to a head and SD exploded. At least now I don't put up with the BS.
I get it! We put up with the
I get it! We put up with the odd snide comment or stink eye look, but eventually cannot deal with too much at one time. My SD started rolling her eyes and giving my DH the look - like they were connecting somehow. That was my changing moment. I was never going to put myself through that BS again. Such disgusting disrespect. I had enough - 20 years worth!
She can just stay the hell away from me.
I went through it for 20
I went through it for 20 years also, and that one day was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel the same as you - she can stay the hell away from me too.
Your SD sounds like mine.
Your SD sounds like mine. She makes herself at home in my kitchen, snoops in the cupboards. I made a huge buffet last Easter, she went into the kitchen and whipped up a mustard sauce for the ham and put it on the table. Guests aren't supposed to do that. She turned herself into the hostess.
When the guests were still chatting at the table, she rises from the table and starts loading the dishwasher before the last person was even done eating. Put my gold plated serving spoons in, which are hand wash only. They had chips in them after that.
I don't need or want her help in the kitchen. I really think she does it to intimidate me, like something is missing or undone, when in fact the meal and event are perfect already.
Her getting a divorce was a
Her getting a divorce was a turning point in SD's and my relationship. She moved in to our home when we were newlyweds and wanted to stay! What adult doesn't think that's totally creepy for a woman in her 30s to be living with daddy and his new wife?
Add to that the fact that she calls DH by his first name. :sick:
She is jealous that I have taken the place of her mom, and DH and I are very happy together.
I'm sorry that bothers her, but he has a right to some happiness, and if SD were a mature woman, she would be happy for him.
Sounds like a good plan, to
Sounds like a good plan, to hire someone to take care of you. I don't like to think that far down the road to elder care, but I know we will be a thousand miles away from SD.
She won't be taking care of
She won't be taking care of me or DH, that's for sure.
Moving back in with the
Moving back in with the biological parents when you're over 30 is one thing, but moving into the dad's new house with his new wife? It was the longest two months of my life, until we finally got her a hotel room.
That was an icky feeling and I felt she was robbing me of a special time in my life that I could never get back. She was really hoping to break us up, but it backfired on her.
It's mooching in both cases,
It's mooching in both cases, for sure, it's just over-the-top intolerable when it's a stranger living in your house (a passive-aggressive one at that) and not my own children.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and my SD is going to be lonely. She has no children of her own to celebrate with, her own mother passed away three years ago, and on top of that, SD's ex has a new baby with the "other woman" that broke up SD's marriage.
She calls this morning, left a message on our voicemail. DH didn't answer and was avoiding her. When she gets no call back, she calls again and wants him to come over to fix something at her house (her standard excuse now) and tells him she wants to go out for dessert after that. It's Saturday night. We are not her date for Saturday night!
He tells her no, we are busy all day preparing for a party we are hosting for my mom tomorrow. That had to sting, but it's the truth. DH should not be afraid to tell her the truth and let her cope on her own.
The day after Mother's Day,
The day after Mother's Day, SS34 sends an e-mail asking DH to come work at HIS house. Now HE's getting into the act, finding a way to have just their own dad over, without me. SD uses that regularly, figures I won't want to tag along, since it's not a visit but a "work-day". These stepkids are in their 30s, shouldn't they be fixing their own houses?
They probably wanted him to spend Mother's Day in the graveyard with them. Isn't that what Memorial Day is for?
Instead, DH spent Mother's Day with me, his mother-in-law and sister-in-law and my cousin's family, having a fun time. No steps.
They have Father's Day, but they want Mother's Day with him too!