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advice on dealing with 6 year old who won't do what she is told 1st, 2nd or 3rd time

BethAnne's picture

Recently I have noticed that my SD6 is not doing what she is told in a timely manner. My husband has to ask her at least half a dozen times to do something. Sometimes he will take a lighthearted approach and turn it into a joke around with her. Other times when he needs something to be done quickly he will resort to counting to 3 and occasionally she gets sent to her room. When confronted and forced to do as she is asked or punished by being sent to her room she will cry. I have started to get more strict with her and if I have to ask her to do anything more than 3 times I will let her know that I expect her to do it by changing the tone of my voice (not shouting), she'll start crying and then usually my husband will step in and make her do it or send her to her room. I sent her to her room myself once this weekend when my husband had stepped out of the house for a minuet.

We aren't asking her to do difficult things, just to say put something away or put on her coat ready to go out. Is this normal for a 6 year old to start behaving more and more like this? I fear that this is the beginning of a defiant child who won't listen to her parents and do as she is told as she gets older, but perhaps it is just normal at this age and she will grow out of it?

I feel that she needs consistency and that sometimes she is pushing for boundaries seeing what she can get away with by procrastinating for long enough. My husband feels that we should approach it on a case by case basis and only push the issue when it is important she does something straight away and that by forcing the issue on every small act of procrastination on her part just causes upset and unneeded aggravation. He claims that she behaves the same way with BM and that BM expects her to do what she is asked, when she is asked and punishes her for it consistently but that it hasn't really improved SD's behavior and she still does it and it just causes more crying fits.

Just looking for some advice from parents with more experience than me.

ncgal1980's picture

It sounds like she's testing boundaries, which I think is pretty normal for kids of all ages, in one form or another.

My DH has this problem with his kids. He'll ask them ever so politely to do something, and about 99% of the time, they blatantly ignore him and carry on as if he hasn't said a word to them. Then he'll politely ask them a second time, and they'll say, irritated, "IN A MINUTE!"

This drives me insane. I'd never tolerate this sort of response from my own kids, but he just stands there and waits for them to finally grace him with their presence, and then they may or may not do whatever he just asked them to do. Usually he has to ask them 4 or 5 times, then ends up literally yelling at them, at which point they huff and sigh, then go do whatever it is he wants them to do. They're 9, 8, and 7, and all boys.

Mine are 9 and 4, and as I said, I'd never tolerate that, and I don't. My kids know that when I ask/tell them to do something, it's in their best interest to do it. I'm not an asshole, I don't think, but there will be a consequence if they ignore me and don't do what I say.

It's stressful, having to deal with DH basically begging his kids to do stuff over and over again, then yelling at them. It happens repeatedly every night and every weekend that they're at our house, and it stresses me out. Sad

Rose.Colored.Glasses's picture

I am experiencing this same thing. I have 3 bios and don't remember them EVER being like this. IMO the parent's let them get away with this. And I don't agree with the counting 1, 2, 3 thing. If you want kids to listen, don't give them 1, 2, 3 more chances not to listen. With my kids, I'll ask twice hoping that maybe they didn't hear the first time, then I either bust their butt's or gound them. My kid's listen...I make kids go cry where I can't hear them.

Mamma Jamma's picture

Gah. My SD9 is acting the same way. Getting worse lately, too. Her dad used to brush it off and tell me to try harder to get along. Duh! What have i been doing for the past 2 years??

tabby yabba do's picture

I always remind my kids that not only am I raising them, they're helping shape me into the Mom I am.

So when I'm done with their nonsense, or not listening, or whatever I remind them that Nice-Mom has left the house and Mom-Foo is coming out (Mom-Foo raises her voice and embarrasses them in front of their friends). I muse out loud that they're teaching me that the kids in my house only seem to listen to Mom-Foo, not Nice-Mom who asks nice first and has patience....which Mom do they want?

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

^^Borrowing that line "they're help shaping me…" for my bio teenage boys right now!^^^

Mamma Jamma's picture

Ooooh I like this! It's not MY fault I'm grounding you, I'm not being mean to be mean, you're causing it....GREAT concept!!!!! Will definitely give this one a try!

BethAnne's picture

Thanks for all of the advice. I know that I came here looking for validation that this behavior needs addressing but was prepared for responses suggesting that she will grow out of it. I will try to talk to my husband about this again to see if he'll agree to consistently enforcing rules and perhaps setting up a clear set of punishments. I don't want to have to deal with a teenager that doesn't listen to or respect us.

Mamma Jamma's picture

That's my fear--a teenager with this attitude. My husband was perfectly ready to curb this behavior in DS14, when he came to live with us at 10, and it worked. He's backtalked me twice in 4 years. But in the 2 yrs DS9 has been here, it's constant. She's the baby, and he still treats her like she's the 3 yr old she was when he and her mom split and he moved out of state. He's finally seeing the attitude as a problem, but isn't willing to address it.

Phoenix82's picture

I'm rather creative with the law laying with SS6 and SS10. If they don't listen the first time, unfortunately the old military comes out because the lack of follow through makes me think I'm being ignored. They do it more with my fiancee because he is fairly "soft" if that makes sense. He doesn't throw down the hammer so to speak until I've pointed out that they are blatantly ignoring him
I agree with everyone else. Testing. If you consistently make her follow through after the first time she's told, she'll figure out that mess doesn't fly with you in your house hold.

Bojangles's picture

I think it depends on how often it happens, and the manner in which it happens. There is a difference between a child absorbed in an activity and reluctant to be torn away to do something, and a child deliberately refusing to do something or blatantly ignoring. The latter is a problem and needs consistency so they stop trying it on. The former is just a child being a child IMO. Children aren't drones and I'm not running a military camp, on a normal relaxed day at home I don't always expect mine (7,5 and 2) to jump to attention the moment I ask them to do something, I'll remind again. If I have to ask a 3rd time I'll get annoyed at that point. Generally they respond first or second time. If they get past the reminder too many times then I'll reinforce the boundary again and they will go on the naughty step next time they don't do ask they're asked.

Mamma Jamma's picture

I would LOVE to have this option! A few rounds on the behind is what my SD9 needs! But she got too much of that from her BM and consequently her dad won't spank at all. He threatened it a couple of weeks ago (with no results, imagine!)

ctnmom's picture

My son "wouldn't hear me" quite a bit. CTBB too. Of course they're both grown now, but how I dealt with it is this: I ask twice, if sheets aren't on the bed/bathroom isn't picked up, etc, I go to where they are and lead them by the arm to wherever/whatever needs to be done. Got so I'd just have to say, "I'm coming to 'help' you" and they would do what they needed to do. this really does work. Also, for boys: shut off the power to their games. I guess most everything is hand held now but boy shutting off the power to their Gamecube used to really get their attention! lol