Deadbeat Ex
So my ex is, no doubt, an alcoholic. It's been two years now since I kicked him out and I, occassionally, am still finding empties hidden. He takes the kids, BS12 and BD2, about one Saturday every 6-8 weeks or so. I still haven't figured out how to deal with this. Between not getting a break from the kids and him no showing on them.
I feel so bad. 9 times out of 10 he says he's coming, doesn't show up, and doesn't respond to texts/calls. Then my BS12 stands there for hours with his coat on, waiting. This kid loves his dad unconditionally and its very heartbreaking.
Until my son grows up a bit and figures it out on his own, how do I deal with this. And, no, I don't trash talk his dad in front of him. It doesn't help that he's an all around deadbeat dad. Its so frustrating!! All I want to do is lash out at him and bombard him with nasty-grams, but I'm the bigger person and he's the one missing out. That, and I don't want him to know how his actions really trip my trigger. Any advice? 
My BD2 is too young to even know who he is, he's been too inconsistent in seeing her so she doesn't get upset.
Keep being the bigger person.
Keep being the bigger person. Your son knows something is up and will figure it out soon. Keep saying, something came up. Have a backup plan in mind for the day of his visits. "Something came up with dad, he's not feeling well, let's see this movie."
He would never drive drunk with them, would he?
Know this may break your sons
Know this may break your sons heart, but have you thought about just not allowing visitation anymore? You're daughter is young enough that she'll never remember any of this. Your son on the other hand? IMO it would better to just rip the bandaid off now than to tug at it until he figures out the type of person he really is. I would be honest with him... This isn't how a MAN and a FATHER acts.
You're very right about that.
You're very right about that. And I've definitely thought about not allowing visitation, but once a week my son will ask, if I'm home or go ahead if not, to call his dad. How do I deal with that? I'm sure if he never heard from BS again, he'd drop off the face of the planet. His family doesn't even speak to him anymore, they are so embarrassed.
Honestly, I don't trust that
Honestly, I don't trust that he wouldn't, but he's never shown up while I was there drunk. He has picked them up from DH a couple of times and DH has never said anything about that. I would love for my kids to have both their parents but he is such a bad influence, I try to tell myself we are all better off.
Today, I got called into work so I wasn't home with everyone to do some damage control.
If you can prove his problem
If you can prove his problem the court would probably allow supervised visitation but frankly it sounds like if you put him through that he would simply not show for any hearing and stop seeing his kids. I suspect it would be the same if you said visitation could only be at your home assuming you could put up with it in the first place.
I think the 12yo is old enough to have his fathers problem laid out for him so the boy knows its not him. Children always blame themselves for things like this and he needs knowledge to offset that.
Below is a link to a organization which helps friends and family of alcoholics. I would think they would have literature and other aids to help you and the boy. Good on you for not bad-mouthing the father - no child needs to hear that.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Thank you. You always seem to
Thank you. You always seem to have good advice. I've tried to explain it to him, but it has been awhile since the last chat. BS12 just doesn't seem to get it yet; I think when he finally does, its going to be ugly. He's usually such a calm boy, but like his mom, he has the patience of a saint until pushed to the brink.
I will definitely check out that link. It's probably a good idea; it might give me ideas I haven't tried yet or better yet something for him to read that's a 3rd party.
Yes, I agree with that
Yes, I agree with that article. The only reason I want my son to realize this on this own is b/c when we first separated BS was very resentful towards me. He over heard a conversation and took it completely the wrong way. When I tried to explain what he heard, he called me a liar!! I'm the one who clothes, feeds, houses, and loves him. His father does nothing yet he loves him unconditionally, and believes every word his father says no matter how his father acts. I know at this age a father is very important in a boys life, I just wish this father made himself an important part of BS's life.
So I'm not rly shielding him. I'm giving him time to realize things I've already tried my hand at explaining. Someday he'll wake up and maybe appreciate me more, not that he doesn't at all.
Don't tell the kids he is
Don't tell the kids he is coming, just have them ready to go in case he shows up. That way it can be a happy surprise or at least no heart break.
That's usually what I try to
That's usually what I try to do. It's impossible when BS12 calls and sets up the plans himself, like he did this time.