You are here

head explosions and heatbroken

snoozy's picture

When my chap and I got together two years ago I thought I may as well tell him that in the future I would really like to have a child of my own and it was something that I would not change my mind about he said he said it was something he was unsure of but later in the relationship said he would like to but now two years on he has said that he definitely does not want any more children now usually I am quite good at explaining how I feel but this time I just kept crying all the time and I can't even look at him I just feel that he has lead me on it makes me feel sick and filled with envy when ss 4 comes over and no matter how many times I ask explain to him that I would like to be informed about visit days changing or extra visits he gets defensive I have said this is my home too but he just won't get it he will say yes he will consult me first but the a few days later it's w
Birth mum and so have decided it visit will change days with out even discussing it with me first. I feel so sad a d I'm not sure if I can go through life watching him with ss whilst I am not good enough to have a child with him but I keep hanging on Thinking things will change I feel lost and like I don't have a home anymore. I am 32

hereiam's picture

Stop hanging on and move on. Him saying he was unsure about wanting another kid in the beginning of the relationship should have been your first clue.

What do you think is going to change? He does not respect you and I wouldn't want to have a kid with him now, anyway.

You're still young, find somebody who wants the same things you do. You deserve to have a child with someone who wants it as much as you do.

Orange County Ca's picture

He never wanted a kid and his hesitation should have been your red flag.

But you're still fertile right? Clock is ticking but you've got the juice. My Mom was 40 when my youngest brother was born. If you're married call an attorney now. Don't have one thought about hurting this guys feelings he has absolutely no feeling for yours.

Leave ASAP and find a guy without children who is ready to go down that street. Make full use of the dating sites on-line and make sure any prospects are childless. Ask all your friends, work associates, church and family people.

Let me give you one secret that many women overlook. Never say no to a guy who asks for a date (as long as he's childless). The ugliest first impression which is almost completely physical can end up being the best husband and parent of all. I read about a book by a woman having trouble finding a mate and she did that for one year - even a homeless fellow - and found her guy.

And don't be shy if you find a good prospect - expect rejection but ask him out for coffee or whatever. Does it take guts? Yep but guys take the chance every day and you're not any softer than they are. Go do it.

tessa12's picture

Leave him. Please make a plan this weekend. I don't even understand why he wouldn't want another child. He has one, not five, and is likely around your age? You will resent him forever if you stay.

tessa12's picture

And listen to Orange County's advice. Date, date, date. Make it your part-time job. Keep meeting men until you find your husband and father of your children. You have plenty of time.

Poodle's picture

Yeah the dating is really important (though I love OTT's advice to go with ugly guys... hey guess what, that could be a turnoff? :D. I used a dating agency in my 30s because I had not found the right guy and had run out of dating options within my acquaintance. I never developed anything romantic with any of the dating agency guys BUT I met a stream of guys and they met a stream of gals all of whom met together in safe places in order to intensely discuss what they wanted from relationships. These were incredibly intimate conversations with complete strangers about what our secret hopes and values were. It was a hugely educational experience. Made me look at guys I already knew, differently, evaluate differently, judge differently, seek differently, hone down my ideas of what was best for me. I then, funnily enough, got back together again with an old flame from 20 years before. He'd been one of my first loves. This is my now DH. Unfortunately for me he was a bioparent already and that was one of the nonos on my dating agency resume, but because it was someone whom I already had known inside out as a very old friend, I chose him. Without the kids it would have been the right choice, too. I went on to have my two bios with no complications at the ages of 40 and 44 respectively, not a problem conceiving at all. So don't panic but don't wait around either. Miscarriage increases as you get older.
Get out of this situation fast and date guys with your eyes open. Try to avoid anyone with kids. There is definitely the type of father out there for whom the first set of kids is the only true set, so even guys that want to carry on procreating can be unsafe as partners.

Worstcasescenerio's picture

My DH did this to me too. We went house hunting the weekend we got engaged, and he was raving over the nursery, and said that he could hardly wait to have a baby with me.

2 weeks after our wedding he nonchalantly stated that he was done having kids.

Excuse me? That would have been a deal-breaker had I known. He did it on purpose to trap me.

mpatterson's picture

I'm sorry!!! I thought I wanted kids until I met my now husband and his two kids. They are so awful they have made me not want to procreate. Look at the man you are with and picture a life without kids.... is it worth it?

snoozy's picture

I just thought I would thank you all for your advice after a lot of thinking I decided that our relationship was not going to work and that I would just end up hating him if we carried on as we were. We had a long chat and the relationship ended he still wants to sleep in the same bed but I said no to this I am feeling awful but as this only happened last night I am sure things will get better thank you again x Sad

Poodle's picture

And don't stay in touch with SS when you leave! It's clear you care very much about him but it'll slow down your passage to your own future happiness!

neversji@gmail.com's picture

That must be rough. You dedicated two years of your life to your husband and his child with the hope of someday having your own child. I spent a decade with a man that did the same thing to me. Be careful, you may waste more years with this man and then find yourself too old to have birth children by the time you leave. My ex placated himself with the thought that his son should be enough to fulfill my needs to be a mother. I did everything for my ex and my stepson. I was completely used. I finally left and it broke my heart to leave my stepson. I had no rights in the court and I don't ever get to see the child I raised. Brutal world. You may be well advised to just pack up now and start living the life you want to live. Best of wishes to you and my heart goes out to you.

Smile