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I'm looking for advice on how to handle a conversation that DH and I feel needs to happen between us and SS13 and SD13. A little background...

DH and BM have been divorced for over 10 years. They share SS13 and SD 13 together. There is no other children in the picture. The relationship between DH and BM has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes they get along, and others not so much...basically the reason they aren't married. When it comes to the kids, both are actively present in their lives. DH has had the same job for 15 years. BM has had multiple (10+) jobs in the last ten years, none all that steady until recently. BM FINALLY finished school to better herself, and we applauded her for that. She is now making double the money that she was, which was what prior child support was calculated off of. After speaking with her, it was decided to reevaluate the child support. We came to an agreement and got the paperwork written up. After 6 weeks of having the paperwork, and her agreeing multiple times to sign it, we finally got her to bring the paperwork back, which ended in an argument between her and DH.

BM is under the impression that child support is only for the housing and clothing of the children. We carry insurance on the kids, and also provide clothing and other items for them at our own house, along with paying child support. We try to do activities with the kids (zoo, children's museum, etc.) to spend quality time with the kids. We get them the majority of their breaks, and all summer as well. During this argument, BM accused DH of being a bad father. Stating that the kids don't like coming to our home, that they are scared of DH, that we don't do enough for them, that the only reason that the kids come to our home is because of what we have there, etc. DH may be a lot of things, but bad father is not one of them. The kids never want to do anything, they have very few interests, and usually complain about whatever we take them to do, regardless of what it is.

I know it hurt DH deeply to think that the kids might actually feel that way. When they are at our house, they don't really do much, but they don't avoid us either. They are typical teenagers, and like to relax. During the warmer winter, we encourage them to be more active and are active with them. We are considering sitting down with both kids and just saying this is what we were told, and we want to know how you really feel. Is that pushing the boundaries with the children? We don't want them to feel as if we are bad mouthing their mother, but if there is a legitimate problem, we would like to do all we can to fix the problem. We do our absolute best not to put the kids in the middle of things and not to bad mouth their mom around them. We don't want our relationships with the kids to be ruined, but we also don't want them to have a bad opinion of us based on them only hearing one side of the issue. Just because we both have steady jobs and save money does not make us solely responsible for their care, and we hold her accountable for some of it also. We pay $700 a month in child support. We have the kids at least 1/3 of the time, if not more. I don't think they understand we are not responsible for everything just because she can't get her life together.