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Just venting

Hanny's picture

My SO and I've been together for 10 years. It's been rocky to say the least. But getting better now that the skids are growing up. almost 20 and almost 25. But we still get sucked into the 'family' dinners. It is so annoying that my SO won't just put his foot down and say no more. He says everytime that the kids are grown now and it's time for a change. BM of course is the one planning all these. Used to be just for birthdays, now it's every time the skid comes home from college and then leaves again. And at practically each of these 'family dinners' BM always has to make at a comment about ..."remember SO when we did...." I hate this, it is so unappropriate. I'm sure that the girls don't give a F if we all get together or not. We just had one of these 'cozy' little dinners, and yes BM had to make some comments about '...remember when..' and these remember when's are never about the girls...just her and SO. It helps when the girls boyfriends are there, makes it a little less tense. In Sept before skid went back to college we had a 'family dinner' at BM's and her BF's house and after SO got an e-mail from BM that said 'glad you and Hanny could make it last night, I think the girls like it when we get together as a family, I know I do!" Well, I'm not doing it for BM and I'm really not doing it for the 'girls'...I'm doing it to support SO. Getting so tired of this. I don't want to go, but I try to be supportive of SO, he is on the most part supportive of my daughter, but her father has passed so there is no 'family' events there, but he does see and enjoy my step sons. I don't know when they are this old, do we still need to do this.

hereiam's picture

Why does your SO agree to these dinners? If he and his daughters want to see each other, they can make the effort and do so without BM.

I am glad that my husband would rather be drawn and quartered than spend any time with BM. We haven't seen her for about 4 years. And before that, there were certainly no "family" get togethers.

Orange County Ca's picture

It could be a lot lot worse. If your husband really enjoys it I'd do it for him. Ask him you might find out he hates them also. You two can always decline and see the kids on other occasions if he agrees with your feelings. Start by missing every other one for a year and go downhill from there.

Calypso1977's picture

i know one other person who participates in "family day".
to me, this stuff merely does nothing but confuse children.

its nice to come together for special occasions like graduations, weddings and maybe milestone birthdays. but anything beyond that is odd to me.

Willow2010's picture

Oh no no no. Actually hell no. The skids can go to her house for dinner and then your house for desert. This is absurd.

jennaspace's picture

Would it be not just bearable but enjoyable if BM stopped the "remember when" stories? If so, have DH talk to her (not referring to you). If not, then stop going. I actually could have tolerated my husband's ex at some events, but she's very quiet and does not reminiscence like that. What your DH's ex is doing is pretty insensitive. Maybe instead of just worrying about the skids, she needs to be worrying about how you might feel about things.

Willow2010's picture

she needs to be worrying about how you might feel about things.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BM really does not need to worry about this. OPs DH is the one that allows this to happen. He may actually even enjoy it. That would be the only reason I could see as to why he would even do these dinners and then to actually NOT say something to BM about being respectful of his wife.

milldog's picture

Your DH needs to put his foot down. They are not little kids anymore and he needs to grow a pair and tell her it will not be happening anymore. Something along the lines of " Hanny and I would like to start our own traditions with the kids now. Going forward we will be celebrating special occasions with just our family and you can celebrate with yours." If he doesn't ,it will carry over into grandkids and you will be required to attend even more dinners. It doesn't need to be hateful, just matter of fact and firm. He needs to discuss this with his kids also. They probably won't even care, although BM will! I was in a similar situation. Once my DH and I became engaged, I went to joint birthday dinners exactly twice before I laid it on the line. It was a dinner consisting of his 2 daughters, his ex, and his 2 ex stepsons, DH and me. I felt like an intruder in their old family. He did nothing to make me feel that way, I just did. My first husband passed away like yours, so he never has to deal with any of this crap. I asked him if he would like to watch my old family movies after we got done dining with his old family. He didn't.

Fact is, they are no longer a family. They should stop acting like one.

blayze's picture

He's not putting his foot down on this, but you aren't either. You can stop this at any time. Smile When you go, it seems like you are both supporting your hubby's EX, not the "kids" (20 and 25) and definitely not your DH.

ncgal1980's picture

I'm sorry, there's no way I could've tolerated it as long as you have, and certainly wouldn't entertain the notion of continuing this bizarre tradition.

The fear, though, in my opinion, is that you're afraid of being seen as "the bad guy" if you point out, after all this time, that you're not comfortable with it. And you shouldn't be. No sane person would be. DH and I have lunch with his parents every other Sunday, and sometimes MIL will bring up stories of things DH, BM, and the skids did together in the past, and those occasional stories alone are enough to make me feel like chopped liver. I've told DH that I feel like a stand-in for BM sometimes, like I'm not really supposed to be there. I feel like a substitute wife. This distresses him, but talking about his past with his mom doesn't seem to bother him at all, and I guess it shouldn't. It just makes me feel insanely uncomfortable, invisible, and unnecessary.

Having to hear those "remember when" stories straight from the horse's mouth, though? UGH. HELL NO.

If I were you, I'd risk being seen as the bad guy and tell my husband how these dinners make you feel. As others have said, you may just find out that he hates them, too, and has been looking for an excuse to stop the tradition. It's worth a shot, anyway!

dadsnewwife's picture

I don't think so. Your SDs are old enough to understand that their mother and her BF is "their" family and you and your SO are YOURS and "family" dinners are separate. I feel for you having to spend ANY time with BM...and at the ages of your SDs?? I don't get it. My DDs are 22-30 and NEVER would I have a "family" dinner with their father and his wife. Our 4 DDs are all grown and when he divorced me, he was dead to me. Lucky HIS wife, huh? I'm sure I'm dead to him as well, so SHE doesn't have to deal with me!(We were married 25 years and it was a very nasty divorce...can you tell??)

Unfortunately, we all have to come back to life this year as DD28 is getting married. My dh's ex lives in another state and is mentally ill, so I've never even met the woman. I can understand you going for your SO though. I do things I don't want to (like allowing dh's sons to even COME to our house)just so dh doesn't get mad at me. Plus, in our case, we don't like each other's kids, we just shut up and tolerate when the kids are around. Maybe your SO could just mention to his ex to not take trips down memory lane in front of you?

Hanny's picture

Thanks everyone for your input...sometimes I start thinking that I'm the one that's wrong here. He says he doesn't like going to these events either, but does it for the kids. The past story is that BM cheated on SO big time, threw it in his face for months before he finally moved out. But of course the girls know nothing about that as far as they know SO is the one who left them. I'm going to have a talk with him and tell him no more! Whoever said above that this would carry into the grandkids got me thinking. That will just be another excuse for BM to get us all together. I think she does it out of guilt, she knows she is the one who broke up their little family, so this is her way of trying to make it up to the kids. I don't know, but you are all right I just need to say NO, you go if you want. I don't think he will go because I am his support in this. Thanks for your suggestions and input.

Hanny's picture

Thanks everyone for your input...sometimes I start thinking that I'm the one that's wrong here. He says he doesn't like going to these events either, but does it for the kids. The past story is that BM cheated on SO big time, threw it in his face for months before he finally moved out. But of course the girls know nothing about that as far as they know SO is the one who left them. I'm going to have a talk with him and tell him no more! Whoever said above that this would carry into the grandkids got me thinking. That will just be another excuse for BM to get us all together. I think she does it out of guilt, she knows she is the one who broke up their little family, so this is her way of trying to make it up to the kids. I don't know, but you are all right I just need to say NO, you go if you want. I don't think he will go because I am his support in this. Thanks for your suggestions and input.

Hanny's picture

Update: BM asked SO if he and I could go to skids college town and 'all of us' could help her pack up and put her stuff in storage for summer until school resumes in fall. SO feels he is obligated to go and help. So we are going there, but stopping at another relatives house and I'm staying at their house while he drives the rest of the 1.5 hour drive, do his duty to help get her stuff in storage, then driving back 1.5 hours same day and then we are going to take a slow trip back home and enjoy some wine tasting along the way. This was my solution, and I told him I would not go with him, but he feels the need go, go right ahead. He liked my solution and said I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I also informed him that I'm not going to do any more family dinners, that I don't really think it means anything to the 'girls' and I'm tired of hearing BM/SO stories out of BM. He of course acted like he didn't know she did this, then said, that is disrespectful to BM's BF, I said yes, and it's disrespectful to ME. He said, you know I don't buy into any of that and I don't really listen to it. I said yes, but it is still rude she does it, and I'm not going any more, we need to reach out to the girls and do things with them on our own.

sandye21's picture

Good for you. I like your solution too. He said he really just doesn't buy into it or listen to it. Ask him how he would react if you had a friend over and you talked on and on about your ex. I would bet it would get old real fast.