I live with boyfriend and his 3 year old son. I love them both so much. We have a great life together. We are both have careers, and a nice home together. I'm having trouble dealing with my boyfriend's son's biological mother. I have a great relationship with his son. (I guess everything is great when he is 3 years old and does not really comprehend who I am yet; we try to explain it to him). I never say anything about this in front of my boyfriend's son, but she is the worst mother/person ever. My boyfriend is 32 and I am 24. His ex is 23. My family love's my boyfriend and his son, we attend family functions, and are by no means dysfunctional. We like to consider ourselves a blended family. There is more of a story that goes on with his relationship with her. She tricked him into getting pregnant by not taking her birth control like he thought she was on. He found it in the trash (full) a week after she told him she got pregnant on birth control. Anyway, my boyfriend does not like the idea of abortion and told her he would never marry her because he did not like her that way. He let her live with him because she was young and had no where to go. After their son was born she would never change a diaper, worked in a bar at nights, would never wake up the next day because she was too drunk and my bf had to go to work in the morning. She never had money because she spent it all on booze, cigs, and coffee. My bf got fed up, kicked her out, got a lawyer, and retained full custody of his son giving her visitation every other Saturday from 6pm-9am Sunday and Wed. night 7pm-6pm Thursday. Regardless, I have to accept her in our life. But since we have made our own family unit it is getting a lot harder to deal with her. My boyfriend and I are worried about her influence upon his son. We try not to fear for his well-being but sometimes it is really hard. Luckily, she has no car. She works in a bar still. And rents the first floor of a house with some other girl. Recently, she just started dating the cook at her bar. And this is not a resteraunt it is a hole in the wall neighborhood bar with deep fried food and god knows what else running around there. EW! It would be helpful to have some advice if anyone know's how to be more accepting of the child's other parent.
Just keep on reading...
My suggestion is to just read from the other posts here...
What you're going to find is that unfortunately, you can't reason with unreasonable people. The best thing you can do is focus on your family, and particularly this little boy. Create and build a bond with him. For one thing, if BM tells him this, but he can see first hand that that isn't true, he'll put things together on his own, but the most important thing is just let him have a save haven at your home. No pressure, no questions about BM, just let him be a little boy without worrying about "BM stuff". Never under any circumstances, show any dismay for her in the presence of the boy. And always always always be cordial, polite, and think of it as a business transaction when you are around her. She will probably fester with it, and may act out, but it will pass when you don't give her the satisfaction of responding to it.
For what it sounds like, it's going to be a long rough road because I have a feeling that she'll act out out of jealousy, insecurity, and spite. This just seems to be the trend, some more than others, some less.
I think it's great that your bf has custody of the little boy, sounds like he is much more stable than the mother. Stick around and just get involved with the posts, and keep an open mind.
Who knows, maybe it will all go in the opposite direction and you may actually get along! That would be great, but I still would keep my guard up until you know that she's being genuine.
Welcome
Consider yourself lucky....
the flip side to this situation would be that the bm would be incredibly selfish, and fight for custody of this child, and b/c she carries a uterus, she would win.
You should really consider yourself, and your bf, really lucky b/c she voluntarily gave up her rights, and you guys have control over the majority of his time. You control where he goes to daycare, school, and who surrounds him the majority of his time. She has two nights every other week/or every week, and that really isn't a lot of time.
I'm in the opposite situation, our bm, who is a drunk and a big time loser, bounces from living with one guy to the next, and she was always able to maintain custody, not b/c she is a good mom, but b/c she is a mom. And let me tell you, it is really difficult raising a child that has been raising himself. I really don't like it, but I chose to be married to my dh, and I'm sticking it out, b/c I love my dh.
I'm not saying that your concerns aren't valid, but you should really appreciate that you guys have custody. Is bm going to influence him? Yes, but not as bad as if she had him full time. Is your situation going to go through some rough times...yes, we all do. But you guys have the upper hand. Yes, sometimes having a step child is really challenging, and sometimes you just want to bang your head against the wall.
One thing our therapists reminds me when I'm totally frustrated and wanting just to be "out" of my situation, he reminds me of the horrible situation my ss has with having an unstable mother. He reminds me that he is a child, being used by his own selfish mother, and he is trying to grow up, raise himself, and battling his inner demons on why his own mother doesn't love him enough to make herself stable.
Sometimes how you deal with something is knowing how bad it could be...
I hope this helps you,
My best to you!
Candice
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