Where is stands today after saying that I am disengaging.......
After yesterday I couldn't sleep because of all the stress and frustration that I feel, so I read and researched and decided that I was going to disengage as a parent to my SD. I wrote it out and poured my heart out in a long letter to FDH, just so that I would be heard and would not have any interruptions. It was that important to me.
So, now I am getting away with my responsibilities as being a member of this family. He feels that I need to initiate getting a counselor for her and I, so that it shows that I really want this to work, not by disengaging. SD is home now from school, because I refuse to take her to school, She is again expelled from the school bus because of her behavior and again she has no consequence for it. Only I do, for having to usher her back and forth. I said the last time that I was not going to take her back and forth if she could not obey enough to ride the school bus for that short of a time. And I am standing by it, regardless if she is missing school or not.
I did not reply to my FDH when he tells me all this, because I became so angry again. I told him that I would think it over, calm myself down and respond later. Stupid I know, but I am so full of rage it is unreal. I have never felt so much anger. I lived in an abusive marriage for 14 years and it took a lot of courage and strength to get out and to swallow the embarrassment of my marriage failing. And here I am taking crap from a 10 year old to the point of having to breath in a bag to try and catch my breath, not being able to eat or sleep because my stomach is in knots.
I am not against counseling by any means, but to be told that I need to initiate it to prove something rubbed me the wrong way. I am angry so forgive me if I come across hateful, but by damn I am proving something by still being here at all. What about him proving to me that I am here for more than taking away his responsibility as her parent? What about proving to me that I am more than the doormat at the door that he doesn't even have the respect to wipe his damn feet off before walking on my clean floors? What about him proving to me that he wants to step up and be the parent to her that he is to our son, by him getting counseling? Oh man, I am feeling hopeless.
I didn't really mean for this to become a proving anything match. I just simply want him to step up and do what he should have been doing all along, even before me, and that is to be her parent. To be consistent and dish out the consequences to her bad behavior whether he feels like it or not.
Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much....I am so glad that I found people that are having problems with this too. I know this sounds crazy, but it is harder to be a stepparent in my opinion, and I am coming to realize that it is impossible if you are going at it with a lazy parent. Thanks again....
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
How can your FDH even THINK
How can your FDH even THINK that taking that kid to school and picking her up every day is your responsibility?
The way I see it, whatever we choose to do for our stepkids is great, but NONE of it is a requirement. That's why I disengaged to an extent almost immediately. I was a custodial stepmom to three young children in a previous marriage and somehow became responsible for lots of their everyday things. Never again.
I like notasm's reply above. You had nothing to do with this child coming into being. NOTHING. Your FDH did, so it's time for HIM to man the fvck up and take care of his bratty child.
Going to counseling is fine, but it almost sounds like FDH thinks YOU are the one with the problem. Maybe he thinks you'll go see a counselor and that the counselor will "put you in your place," or something. I don't know. But finding a good therapist and having someone to talk to face-to-face might really help, just not in the way FDH may think it will. I don't think any therapist would look at this as something you should be responsible for, and the way it's affecting you physically, mentally, and emotionally is NOT sustainable, nor is it healthy.
Don't back down. Not one damn inch. It's time for this girl's PARENTS to step up to the plate and do some damn parenting.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies...it means a lot to know that I am not crazy. I have for some time now started to harbor these feelings of dislike, resentment and just plain disgust for a child. It feels so horrible and makes me feel like I am a horrible person, and after a while I began to question myself, to question the very core of who I am. That is a terrible place to be, but yesterday when I went looking for help and answers I came across this site. I began to read and my very first thought was, oh my, I am not alone. There are other normal people that harbor the same feelings.
And I am not going to back down, I cannot. He may not understand now, but I honestly see this as my last effort to try and make this work. I was already starting to organize my things to leave when I came upon this site. And sadly I still am, all my things are getting put away that means something to me, because SD cannot keep her paws off. I have lost several things that cannot be replaced, so I was told to put it away so that she cannot break it or take it. That was the answer.
In the last couple of months you cannot count the times I have said that if you were mine I would beat you butt, just to have FDH roll his eyes or claim that I know better than him or worse yet to say that I am comparing how my older children were to his. And maybe that is what it seems like to him, but I am not, there is no comparison to be made. Simply put, they loved me and seeked my approval, where SD does not and could care less. I am disposable.
I think men should be honest
I think men should be honest with women and tell them what they are looking for in a wife. They assume, because youre female, that you will be the fill in mother. So, if thats what they're aiming for in a wife, they need to make it known on the front end of the deal. Likewise, if a woman says she will be that fill in mother, she should either hold up her end of the deal or remove herself from the family for everyones sake. She is free to find herself a real husband, and he can continue his hunt for another mother.
Yes we do. He is only 3 and
Yes we do. He is only 3 and so far he is good with him. He will correct him and get on to him when need be. But even with that, the other day we were doing yard work and SD was doing everything that she was told not to do. She even came out wearing a ring that cost wise isn't much, but my great-grandmother gave me that ring when I was 15. She had bent it up, I just stood there and the tears started to pour. I felt so stupid I couldn't stop them for the life of me. Well, nothing was done except for me to put away all things that I hold dear. But yet here our 3 year old is told something says no and gets popped for it by dad. I kept quite but later explain to him that I was beginning to have a problem with him popping and getting on to our 3 year old when he will not correct his daughter. It isn't fair, and I know that he cannot stop because I want him to be that parent to both, but as a mom I cannot help but to feel that way. Contradictory I know, but honest.
Thank you...
Thank you...