Honestly, for most of us on here, yes- this is our normal. Is it healthy for anyone involved? Nope.

Have you and your wife tried any kind of counseling? What about when you try to correct bad behavior/ enforce household rules, are you ever backed up? How old are the kids?

That's a very normal reaction to skids who are with you 24/7 and the other bio isn't involved. My SD's BM has not done one thing for SD for several years. She has shared custody but has never exercised that right to take SD. So, I'm left raising this very ill-behaved kid. I dread every single afternoon when she comes home from school. I dread waking up on Saturday mornings only to hear her whiny voice and rude disrespectful tone. All weekend, she just wants things for herself with no thought of anyone else.

My SD is so annoying that I can't even stand the sound of her voice or her presence for more than a few minutes at a time. I don't feel too guilty about how I feel because SD's teachers really can't tolerate her either. She lies, cheats, steals, and manipulates like nothing I've ever seen before. I dislike this skid so much that I have become a completely different person. At first I tried to be an active, involved parent to her, but with all the abuse I've taken from this kid, I am withdrawing, disengaging, and in a depression I can't escape. I even tried 2 different anti-anxiety/anti-depression medications for several months and they didn't help one bit. This skid is definitely the problem.

Sueu2,

I really need to stop reading your responses, as they usually end up making me feel a bit perturbed:

"What a wonderful family you have created" - Harsh

"You had no business pretending to like them in the first place." ------- How do you know that he didn't like them in the beginning?

"It may be relieving and self-righteous to know you are not alone" -------YOU are calling SOMEONE ELSE self-righteous??

"That boils down to you being mean to them and complaining about them while allowing YOUR kids to get away with murder the whole time." --------How do you know what goes on in his house...you're just speculating. Maybe he is a better parent to their kids than she is to just hers.

"It means you are the problem because it is not up to you to judge her children and decide to be unfair and unkind to them and constantly complaining to her about them." ---Again, how can you know this unless you're living in the house with them??

I THINK that you believe you are helping people on this board, and maybe for some you actually are, but for the most part, you really just come across as condescending and critical. Your 'helpful advice' is overshadowed by the negativity.

I think the OP is at least making the first step by coming here to see if his feelings are valid. The acknowledgement from you that they are and the advice about counseling is one thing, the criticism is something else entirely.

Okay, I'll try to stay away from your all-knowing replies from now on.

yeah, I think the gender sp is irrelevant...let's face it, if anyone is in our situation, they would often do the same at this beginning. Blaming skids is putting it on the wrong people...bottom line is that it is the bm/sp couple to be as one. When one is blaming the skids, its often because we afraid of approaching the matter with our partner to deal with a harder situation is that is the fact there is a big difference between the two to raise kids consistently and it might threaten our relationship.

In my case, it did. I finally stopped blaming SD14 (who is now totally out of the control) and her behavior was too much for me. I had to leave. Then I would come back...then always leave for the same reason. I'ts the BP's fault regardless of gender. If they can't be mature enough to deal with this like an adult, inevitably the relationship and all the goodness get teared apart. Then there is nothing left. Let them live with the outcome unless you can work it out...but as this forum attests, its very difficult unless you have two partners willing to make it work and I didn't.

I feel for all of you.

blades,
I'm quite familiar with the waking up in the morning and the dreading the kid coming home from school. It's a morning ritual my wife has to wake up SS and it's his ritual to whine moan and complain. They have a mutually dysfunctional relationship and it's hard to sit out on the sidelines and stay detached, which is my best advice to myself, but hard to follow. When I wake him up, I just say, "I know you heard me and I'm not going to tell you again, it's time to get up." This usually works. With my wife, it's a long ritual of begging him to get up and him whining or yelling. A solution just seems so basic. Let him know to get up and walk away. But she's not going to do that. In part, she is afraid he will be late for school. I tell her, let him be late. If he's late once, the school will cure him of lateness, because they'll make him stay after school and that's very unpleasant for kids. But this advice always falls on deaf ears.

It's good to know that much of what I am experiencing and feeling is rather normal for people in this situation, which is something that I am seeing by reading this and many other comments left on these message boards. Where to go from here, however, is still not clear to me. I think more could be or could have been done, but disciplining or putting any order in my SS's life is like trying to fill a bucket with water, but the bucket has no bottom. My wife (or as you say on these boards, my DW) is extremely permissive and by her actions will undo anything I do regarding his behavior. Plus kids know that, "I don't have to listen, because my mother says I don't have to." (This is more unspoken than spoken, but quite obvious.)

Blades, what do you intend to do? Any ideas? I have begun to think about getting out. Actually, I have for some time, but I am getting a little more serious about it, as the situation is getting more serious (too much to mention here). If you've ever heard of the analogy of the frog in the kettle, you might have an idea. The temperature keeps rising. The danger is to slowly fall asleep as the water gets hotter, only to end up getting boiled.

What you are experiencing is far from abnormal IMHO. For men, me at least, tolerating the presence of some other man's spawn in your space is difficult and rejecting them and taking exception to their presence in your space and family is a mammalian thing IMHO.

Kind of like an Animal Planet special about lions where when the new male shows up the first thing he does is kill all of the cubs of his predecessor so that he can purge the prior male's genes and start his own brood.

I struggled with this same thing when my DW and I were first dating. What was interesting to me is that when we were at my not yet bride's apartment I was fine. When she and the Skid where in my condo his presence caused what I can only describe as a physical aversion. There was no rational reason for it but it was such a strong visceral reaction that it made an impression on me.

Because my bride was THE one and the Skid was actually a pleasant mellow little guy (he was 15mos old when we met and we married the week before he turned 2yo) I grabbed myself by the proverbial short and curlies and changed my perspective.

Your Skids may be older and you may not be able to build a strong Dad/Kid relationship with them. I am fortunate that my SKid and I are very close. But, your bride would obviously appreciate you changing your perspective on her prior relationship spawn and doing that would probably improve your own happiness and improve the family dynamic for everyone in your home including your own children with DW.

Good luck.