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Does your DH expect your mother to buy his kids gifts?

Sahm_7's picture

My mother spoils my two DD's. Always has... DH gets extremely upset when my mother comes in with bags of new clothes & shoes for my DD's but nothing for SS & SD. My answer to that is, They have grandparents dont they? Why is it my mothers job to buy for them? He says that we are a family and she shouldnt make a difference between them. Anyone else deal with this?

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

So let me get this straight…you think that Sahm_7 mom should purchase her skids gifts. Therefore, I assume you think that the Skidz BM's mom should buy Sahm_7's bio kids gift. THAT would make it fair! A little something on the side might be ok, like say a $5 gift card, but skids aren't the new mom's mom's grandchildren. Ridiculous. Sahm_7..you better tell your mom to get your skids into her will too! JK!

Oldmom's picture

Sorry Brady Bunch, your analogy is way off base. The true analogy would be if her MIL was told to buy gifts for children that were not her sons.

If the OPs step children live with them full time and her mother comes over a couple times a month with tons of gifts for only her bio grandchildren. She is hurting the stepkids. One thing I see forgotten here is these kids are Children. How would the OP feel if her MIL came over a couple times a month and brought gifts for the step kids and she had to look at the disappointment and hurt in her kids eyes.

To have a happy blended family all people in the family have to feel love and acceptance.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

Sahm_7 says her skids are barely with them; therefore, they live with the BM and that is their nuclear family. BF pays child support. You are right. It would be like DH's mom purchasing Sahm_7's 2DD, which are DH's skids equal to what she buys Sahm-7's skids..maybe she does; maybe she doesn't. As long as it isn't rubbed in anyone's face and as long as there is an occasional trinket thrown their way…get over it! Life isn't fair, but I didn't say to rule out kindness. P.S. Talk about unfair! You said that Sahm'7's mom is hurting the skids. ouch! I love how every little thing is constantly twisted around into "hurting the skids." What about hurting everyone else? Believe me…a lot of the "children" people are venting on in this website grow up to be the same little beasties that their BM's are. That's why this site is to vent.

*Not my circus
not my monkeys*

Sahm_7's picture

The post wasn't about my finances. DH is HAPPY to have me take care of our household and business. Just because I do not physically work outside the home does not mean I do not bring in income, and NO im not speaking of CS. MY ex is s deadbeat. "Gracious" ???Please... there is a difference between being gracious and being practical. DH expecting my mother to buy clothes and shoes for skids, which are here maybe 10-15 hours a week, is stupid.

AmIWicked's picture

My mother DOES buy for my stepkids and always has even we were just dating. But I never told her to. And actually my husband, boyfriend at the time, told me and her that it was not necessary.
My mother insisted that she wanted the kids to feel welcome at her home. My husband and I agreed that we were not going to make a big deal. If she wants to buy let her buy...

I think where your husband is coming from is feelings of the kids. If your mother is walking in the door with bags full of "fun things, nice things, toys, clothes" (TO THE KID NOT GETTING ANYTHING) This looks like two kids get icecream cones and they don't, but they have to sit and watch the other kids eating the icecream.... In the kids minds this is "unfair" which kids always think in this "everyone equal" "everyone gets the same"

Is it right or wrong? Neither, your husband is just seeing his kids feelings getting hurt and that's it.

SecondGeneration's picture

Here's the thing, no one expects anyone to spoil their child but its going to piss off/upset any parent is someone spoils ONE child and not the others, regardless of whether they are step, half or adopted, if they are children its for all or for none.

Growing up I lived with my dad, step mother and her 4 children. Come holiday time my STEP siblings, biological fathers parents (so my Step-grandparents from the side I have nothing to do with) would still include me. They were always fair whilst we are young, yes as we got older there became a difference but I still received something from them (I never met them other than in passing as when they came to see their grandchildren my dad would take me out so they could all do their own thing).
My sisters partner has children from a previous marriage, they were included and treated as grandchildren by my parents as soon as my parents met the child.
Same for me, my SD is treated and included as a grandchild by my parents, both sets.

I think its particularly harsh if one set of children are being spoilt and the others are receiving nothing. Children are the only innocent party in any family unit, they didnt ask to be created nor did they ask for the bullshit that goes on around them. Now ofcourse as they get older and more accountable for their actions 11/12/13+ presents and such naturally dwindle based on the relationship between said child and individual adult.

But yes I can understand why your husband is feeling hurt.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

Receive nothing? What makes you so sure that their BM's mom and dad (grandparents) aren't buying them anything?!

Sahm_7's picture

My mother buys for my Skids at Christmas and their bdays. She normally goes WAY overboard at Christmas for all of the bio kids and skids. She doesnt feel that she should buy clothing, shoes etc here and there for skids. I agree with her. It upsets DH as he feels like if she comes in with a bag of Justice clothes for DD then SD should get the equal. I will say that when DH and I shop together he insists that we purchase equal amounts of clothing for all children (insane!) they are barely here! The Skids whine, "daddy, i didnt get X and so and so did" Pity party crap. So we end up arguing over it. DH says to tell my mother not to buy anything at all if she cannot buy for all. DH parents arent really part of skids life, they are useless. BM's parents are a huge part of skids life and they buy for them a lot. Im standing firm on this. Its my mothers money, not his to spend.

QueenBeau's picture

WAIT we are talking about CLOTHES?

Then DH is just being silly. I thought you meant a big bag of toys like she was Santa or something.

skids need to understand that your kids need a lot of clothes there beccause they are there more, skids need less clothes at your house because they aren't there as much & they have more clothes at BM's.

so sorry, I think I & a lot of others were interpreting this as 'real' gifts. SD7 doesn't even get excited over clothes lol. She could care less if some other kid got a bag of clothes & she didn't. Now toys? That would hurt her feelings. Clothes? No.

Sahm_7's picture

LOL I guess with 2 divas we are all about clothes around here Wink I purchase school clothes for my DD's and DH says we MUST buy equal for skids. (crazy) My DD14 is into big brands, Miss me, Hollister, etc. DD9 is into Justice girls. My mother surprises them with new outfits & shoes a lot.She gives them $ for "allowance" when she visits weekly. No toys are involved here, only at Christmas, but she then buys for all kids. I agree DH is being silly. Just like buying equal amounts of clothing for skids and my bios. I cannot tell you how many clothes skids have here with tags hanging on them unworn. Its a total waste of money. Its just his way of not having to deal with the pity party crap from skids.

Sahm_7's picture

I have income. Again, you seem upset that im a SAHM. My mother chooses to give DD's spending "allowance" not my choice. Of course Im complaining. DH pays huge child support and the skids BM buys them no clothes. We buy them school clothes, backpacks, shoes & supplies. I do not feel that if skids have clothes that we have purchased in their closets here with tags on them, that my mother should feel obligated to purchase them more. Its not her responsibility- its BM and BM parents...

QueenBeau's picture

I think your issue is you have a personal issue with an anonymous poster on a venting board so you purposely go to every blog or topic she posts to point out how unfair it is that she's a SAHM & since she is she should have no complaints.

IslandGal's picture

That definitely seems to be the case with HRYNC.

I think it best to just ignore her comments - they are useless, unhelpful, spiteful and is only meant to upset the poster.

Save your eyes from her drivel and ignore - ignore - ignore her comments!

Disneyfan's picture

Who pays for the clothes when the two of you go shopping?

If he's paying, then I can understand wanting to keep things even. What step parent wants to spend more on their stepkids than they do on their bios????

moeilijk's picture

I think DH needs to parent his kids. Teach them about how life isn't fair, that sometimes we feel bad, and help them learn to handle feeling bad. Teach them that HE loves them and thinks they fart rainbows, but not everybody does, and that's ok. Teach them that some moments are their special moments, and sometimes other people get the spotlight.

Or not.

Sahm_7's picture

He looked at me as if to say "you're pitiful" His parents do not buy for any of the kids, they are worthless. BM's parents buy for DH kids a lot. He doesnt get that these kids go home to BM & Stepdad, he has no kids. They dont have to share anything, whatever they get from BM is theirs. Here they must share family room TV, Xbox, games, outdoor toys etc.

Generic's picture

Maybe it's the presentation that is rude. I wouldnt show up at anyone's house with a bundle of gifts where I knew there would be young children. I mean cmon, cant you stash it somewhere until the other kids are somewhere else?

Generic's picture

Omg you and your SAHM hangup. What does that have to do with anything? I agree with your message, but you lost me on tbe reason

Disneyfan's picture

I can kinda see her point. The OP's kids are being supported by their stepdad and biodad(I'm assuming he's paying CS). If a man was willing to help support my grandkids, I would buy things for his kids when I purchased for my grandkids.

Should I have to? Of course not. A step parent should not have to support his stepkids either.

Normally I think it's crazy to expect grandparents to treat bios and steps as equals. (My parents do not buy gifts for my SKs) But mom being a SAHM changes that for me.

Sahm_7's picture

Yes I am a SAHM. I did not say that I do not have income, you assumed that I didnt. Our finances aren't the focus here. It was a general question on how other blended households handle situations as these. You and a few others are so hung up on the fact that I am able to stay home. "If he didnt keep me?" Please. You sound very jealous.

QueenBeau's picture

My mom buys for SD7. She has been around since she was 4, & we spend a lot of time together. Yes Sd has grandparents on her mom's side, but none of those gifts come to our house. We keep everything separate. Will my mom do more for my first bio? I'm sure she will - bio will be here 24/7 & SD7 is only here EOWE & in the summer. Plus MIL is all "I want grandparent time" with SD7 & steals her half the summer & tries to block my parents out... so they will never purposely make SD7 feel left out. Ever. & I hope she never catches on. I would hate for SD7 to feel bad.

Most likely I'd have my mom do most of the 'treating' when SD7 wasn't here if SD7 wasnt included. But just the way she is? She would always bring a lil something for SD7.

edit to add: I don't think Dh nor I expected my parents to take to SD as well as they did. However if they didn't, it would have been fine. I would have asked that if SD was around & they had presents for my bios, if they would wait until SD wasn't around to give them. SD will already feel left out of a lot with my bios (they will be with Dh, get to live with their daddy & mommy which SD never did, & see their (her) daddy daily. They will be 'full' siblings and not have to spend time apart, SD will only have half siblings. Plus SD knows her mom is bat shit crazy & no one likes her.. etc) so if we can avoid having to add another thing to the list, we will.

sbm014's picture

I have no bios but my mom does buy for SS. We aren't around to often but typically when I see my mom it is at my brothers house and she will have something for each of the children - usually something small. Sometimes you can tell she will give my niece and nephew something before we get there which to me is understandably. For Christmas she usually gets him something, but like for his birthday though we had him she didn't see him so there was no gift no mention. SS has a weird relationship with my family especially as BM has shut down him being able to talk about them...for example we went to my grandmothers who let him make a piece of pottery (she is a retired art teacher) and he was so excited but simply told BM we were going home, he has told me that he is not allowed to even mention me unless BM ask...so I feel like with my family seeing this they take a distant but we don't want you to feel left out approach with SS.

Bojangles's picture

Dh has many many faults but he has never attempted to dictate what my parents should give to his children. And his children do not regard my parents as 'their' grandparents, - DH's eldest was 16 when we got together, that's too old to absorb a new grandparent, and far too old for a grandparent to develop a doting fondness for their child's partner's child. Equivalence wasn't wanted or expected and would have caused awkwardness. Maybe if they had given extravagant gifts right in front of my stepchildren on a regular basis DH might have felt uncomfortable, but that didn't happen. My mum made the effort to give the SKIDs little gifts for birthday's and Christmas, but not the same as they spent on my young children, and that has also now ceased as DH's children are nearly all adults and the only remaining child under 18 has no relationship with me or my family.

Your mother should be tactful enough not to do the spoiling right in front of DH's children, and DH should be reasonable enough not to expect her to provide like for life gifts.

Generic's picture

It's not just one present. I'm picturing Grandma loaded down with bags and bags of gifts for one set of kids to open in front of another set of kids. That wouldnt fly in any setting let alone a step situation. Sure you can't control what people do. So that is where compassion, or at least etiquette comes in.

Orange County Ca's picture

My suggestion is that grandma avoid steps birthday parties - no gift. On Christmas she buys more or less token gifts for every kid. (Which is an option on all birthdays also).

Then through the year she scatters gifts to them as she sees a need for them to receive or simply desires to give. By Christmas she will have given her grandchildren the equal of what she would give at Christmas. It also tones down the "gimmy gimmy" reflex of kids at Christmas.

Also the gifts should be given to the grandkids when the other kids aren't around which should be easy enough if they're weekend visitors.

Life isn't fair, they do have grandparents, but in-your-face unevenness in this department isn't worth the problems it causes.

Generic's picture

Please make sure your bios send thank you cards. You can use it as a teaching opportunity for the SDs. My half siblings dont know one thing about writing a card. It is pathetic.

saramichele89's picture

My in laws buy gifts for my BS for all hidays. I never asked. When a family loves and accepts you and your children into their family, they want to make you feel a part of the family. And they all have different ways of showing it. My in laws show it to my son by treating him exactly the same as my SD's. They like to get them things they need, buy them things they've been wanting for Christmas and birthdays, take them to mac Donald's after school if they pick them up or drop off. And I've even been surprised to hear that they would take my bs to mac Donald's or donuts when it wasn't a day to pick up/drop off the girls and I only needed them to pick him up, they still took him out to eat before and after school, took them to their house to do homework bc he wanted to instead of just bringing them to me... You know, treating him like a real grandchild. It's just love. Those are just a couple examples. It shouldn't be expected, its a little rude to expect gifts. BUT, children will get hurt if they don't receive a gift and the other does... You sort of feel like you have to offer an explanation of some sort. I haven't googled that one yet. Lol.

moeilijk's picture

I really don't understand the people who have a strong response that if a grandparent buys for a biokid they *should* buy for the skid too...

What do kids do at birthday parties nowadays? Do parents just not have parties if they can't afford to buy all kids - bios, skids and guests - equal gifts too?

I think the line between being unkind and creating entitlement is getting blurry here.

moeilijk's picture

A gift bag or a token gift at a gift exchange (like at Christmas) is one thing. But people here are going to town as though if the birthday boy gets a bike, then AAALLLL the kids should get a bike.

I agree it's unkind to bring a kid to a gift exchange and have 500 people open gifts except him.

I also think it's unkind to cultivate envy and entitlement in a kid. SMH. TEACH them about manners, courtesy, and trust that even though not EVERY EFFEN THING is about them, they are still special. Just not to everyone. AND THAT IS A-OK!

ffs. *cough* stepping down now.

IslandGal's picture

**clapping hands**...I agree with you too!!

Teaching SKIDS that they SHOULD also get gifts from your Mom is just encouraging entitled spoilt children.

I would NEVER dream of asking my MIL to buy gifts for my kids - that's just downright disrespectful!! My SO would also never expect MY Mother to buy his kids gifts - for the same reason.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Nope. Doesn't even expect my parents to acknowledge HIS birthday.

I think everyone would be happier without expecting others to do things for them in this world, regardless of your relationship or how many times you've done something for them. To look at every act someone else does for you as a favor that you return tenfold, not for them but for yourself. I think this leads to happier, more grateful, and more appreciative people in general. Can you imagine if the whole world operated like this? No more misunderstandings or hurt feelings from expectations.

MdMom's picture

I am also a SAHM, and my parents also spoil the hell out of our DD's... BUT they have the courtesy to get SD something, if she is here when they drop gifts off. Sure SD has two sets of grandparents from FDH and BM, but just because she already has grandparents doesn't mean she needs to be excluded from my side of our family.

Because we are a family, blended or not. It's not the fairness that concerns me, its the exclusion... Your Skids are being excluded from your side of this blended family. Those poor kids. I understand your DH's frustration.

ocs's picture

I don't have any bios, but my parents don't buy for SD.

In the beginning, they did. Then I saw how she behaved and stopped it. Not grateful, not thankful. The only thank you card she has EVER written is bc I made her.

My folks have zero need to spend money on her. Her own GP's are ridiculous with it anyway.

hippiegirl's picture

I would ask my mother if maybe she could come bearing gifts for her grand kids when the skids are not around? That really seems kinda mean. If my daughter married someone with a kid, I would probably buy gifts for said kid.

is it just me...'s picture

Let people make their own decisions. Life is not fair. Gifts are just that - GIFTS - not entitlements. My family doesn't do much of anything for SS. He's not their family. Their choice, that's fine, don't blame them.

Shaman29's picture

My parents used to buy skid gifts, but she did not acknowledge them. Mom came to me and asked if she should do anything else for her. I said no. If she won't call or send a TY card (was prompted by both H and I, and I supplied the freaking TY card and address), then don't do anything else for and and DON'T feel guilty about it.

She's not my kid and she's not their grandchild.

FYFI - They did send her a card with a check when she graduated from HS. To my knowledge she did not thank them once again. You'd think they freaking learn.