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Clothing

libra2libra83's picture

So the situation with my SO custody schedule makes it very hard to exchange clothing with BM. We got to the point of only letting SD leave our house to go back to BM in the shoes/coats that belong at BM house, since either the items get ruined, or we don't get our stuff back for weeks. Our old schedule made it easier to exchange clothing since we actually saw BM on a regular basis during pick up and drop off. My problem now is that it has been almost 2 months since the last time we exchanged clothing items. I am wondering what other people do when it comes to dressing for pickup/drop off.

In our case, I can't dress SD in clothes that she has worn from BM house, because BM does not want us washing her clothes. She literally wants us to hand over a bag of dirty laundry. I also feel that she uses this time of dropping off clothing in order to discuss issues with my SO that could easily be sent by email. She likes to have these discussions in person because she can basically sit in our house and refuse to move unless SO gives in to her demands. I personally don't feel she should be coming into my house as it is.

Anybody else have this problem or solution?

QueenBeau's picture

Send SD backk in the clothes from BM's house. If she puts on 'dirty' clothes for a 20 minute ride home to BM's no big deal.

Do not allow BM in your house. Send SD outside with her things when BM arrives.

derb84123's picture

ahhh the clothing issue. Smile

For a bit we sent clothes on their visits with BM, but she would actually take them out and send back different crappy clothes. Kids live and go to school here, so that got expensive really quick. As of now we dont send anything down aside from coats, winter boots, gloves, that type of stuff. Usually BM sends them back in the same clothes- but she does wash them. The issue we run into is the kids not having coats or gloves when they come back. Thankfully they are getting older so it is a bit better. Unfortunate that you have to have the children take on this responsibility, but BM just doesnt care enough to make sure they have gloves on when its freaking snowing.

I digress... Why is your BM bringing clothes when it isnt an exchange? That sounds asinine. I dont know you exchange situation but that would be unacceptable over here. How old are sks? Can they be responsible enough to handle it? I suggest sending them down in the clothes from BMs, and wash them if you need to. So what if she doesnt want you washing clothes- that is unsanitary and not fair to sks.

libra2libra83's picture

The exchange happens at an after school care program that SD is enrolled in. We never have to see BM unless she drops clothes off. SD is only 5. She loses stuff constantly if she has to many things to remember. We asked BM to place our items in a bag, and send it to SD after school program with her name on it. (She goes to this ASC before school as well) If I wash her clothes, she will wash my clothes, and subsequently ruins them.

For the record, I purchased all of SD clothes for her. I want to be able to use these clothes when I have a daughter of my own, so I don't feel bad about buying her clothes. I sure do get pissed when they get ruined though.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Your husband does not have to give in to her, tell her to leave and if she does not, tell her you will call the police. Can you exchange the child in a neutral location instead of your homes?

libra2libra83's picture

We don't exchange SD at home. We drop her off at school or after/before school care. I told him he should only communicate with her through email, so that they have a written record of everything she says, since she has claimed she never said certain things such as her not needing child support then all of a sudden taking him to court for it because he didn't pay, since she told him she no longer needed it.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

He always needs to pay child support, especially if there is a court order. Child support is a right of the child, I am not sure that BM can legally waive that-that would likely be a state dependent issue.

libra2libra83's picture

There wasn't a court order in place at the time. This was before they went to court. In the long run, he ended up having to pay her less then what he was paying her, and it is now taken directly from his check. We never have to worry about her complaining she didn't receive it.

At the time, she claimed she had a job that paid her better then what my SO's pays, and we have SD 50% of the time.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

From experience, I would say always cover your a$$ when dealing with an irrational person. Email only communication is a great way to ensure that.

Sparklelady's picture

To add to the other advice, you do not have to "not" wash clothes. That's a power play on her part. Just wash the clothes and send the kid back in clean BM clothes. No more visits to your house. And only BM clothes go back to BM., so yours isn't wrecked. (Assuming you only have overnights? You didn't say your schedule.)

libra2libra83's picture

We have a 5/2/2/5 schedule. It gives me time to clean her clothes, and it seems like I may have to start doing that. I am sick of having her coming into my house, putting us down, and demanding that we change things to make her happy. Thanks for the advice.

Sparklelady's picture

You're welcome. You might be surprised just how common this type of power play is - The sooner you shut it down, the better for you and your husband. She'll probably freak out a little bit at first, but the less you allow her into your life the better! Good luck!

Dizzy's picture

Don't let her in your house, first of all.

As for the clothes, DH and BM don't care. SD10 goes back and forth and the only time was ask for anything back is when she's outgrown something that we bought her, so that BD6 can have hand me downs. My ex and I are different...we send clean clothes back to each other's respective homes. Only thing is, BD eventually runs out of socks here every couple of months, because she wears them to her dad's on Friday, but comes home barefoot early AM in Mondays. When she's out, I just tell her dad and he sends them back over.

ashmo9's picture

My SS10 goes back to his mom's house in the same clothes he shows up in. We have our own clothes for him here. We only have him EOW so we usually don't have time to wash his clothes (unless they smell of cat pee then we make the time) so he wears dirty clothes home. He has school on Friday and usually shows up at our house in pajamas so I know they aren't that dirty since he hasn't been wearing them that long.

I couldn't imagine having to share clothes with BM. That would be a nightmare. We already have to buy him shoes every winter for our house because it takes him forever to show up in something other than flip flops.