Step Talk

Make a list of house rules. Focus on the what to do rather the the don't do. For example you said you don't want shoes on the new rug. You might say "Take shoes off at the door." rather then "No shoes in the house." or "Keep hands and feet to yourself." rather then "NO hitting."

I'd sit with Hubby, make a list, transfer it to big bold letters on some pretty paper, and have a family meeting. Let the kids no what is expected and what the consequences will be. That will make it easier for the two of you to work together and since it's house rules it takes the pressure off either of your from feeling like the "bad guy". Tell the kids it's just like at school--they have rules and if they don't follow them their on consequences==the same goes for the house. Make sure you and hubby do this together so that you agree and there is not pointing the finger later.

Kids need bounderies and I know how easy it when you hardly have them to be the enforcer. However if you stick with it and discipline according to what they did and their age I think you will see a major improvement in behavior and that will make your time together more pleasent for everyone.

Your Hubby has to be feeling the same way as you if the kids are that out of hand. Paint him a pretty picture of how much better it would be if the two of you set rules and discipline so that everyone knows what is expected and what will happen if rules are broken.

Good luck and I hope that helped.
Alisha

Hi, I had a similar situation. My BF has his son every other weekend and one night a week over night, he has been divorced about 3 years. We have been together about 2 years. I would dread the sons visits as he is so spoiled, mean and disrespectful. No matter how I tried to phrase constructive suggestions my BF was afraid he would make his son not want to come and was clueless as to what to do. I pointed out how friends did not respond to his son well and how family dreaded being around him. The thing that really made a difference was he and I going to counseling and the counselor telling him the same things I did about routines, manners and disapline. He finally saw he was doing his son no favor by letting him get away with everthing and his son did better with firm guidelines and predictable rules. It it still a struggle and when he is with his Mom for long periods he reverts to a spoiled brat but at least its better than before. Good Luck!

ML579

My husband used to have his daughter every weekend too. Once we became serious and I moved in I told him that was just not working. We work through the week and deserve alone time for us too. I have 2 kids but they go to their dad's every 2nd weekend. It has made a huge difference, we plan short weekend trips and sometimes just lay around and do nothing. It's only every 4th weekend that she stays with her mom. Her mom hates the idea however and usually sends the daughter to a friends but at least we get alone time and that is something we both look forward too.

and have them do the every other weekend thing. Especially with 3 of them, I wouldn't wreck every weekend I had, so talk to your husband and get that changed. You also said DH doesn't want to help disapline them because he's afraid they won't want to come over....Ok theres a good clue...make it a weekend of misery and work. Then hopefully they won't want to come over and your problem will be solved. And he can tell his ex wife to stuff it and that its your business how things run in your home. (lady has nerve) If she doesn't like it she can keep them 24/7. BTW You did good ignoring her call, keep that up and hubby too.

Oh, how some people are such morons. but alas, I must respond....I think my husband is a wonderful father. The kids are lucky to have some one that loves them like he does cause BMom doesn't seem to, I just think he should grow some balls-- When it comes to discipline as well as his ex. Hey - we both decided to get married, we should both try to understand each others positions. Besides, I'm still waiting on my apron and the rest of my 'good wife' kit to arrive in the mail. duh.

These are not pets we are talking about, these are children! So sorry it isn't convenient and a pain but the kids were in the picture before you. Some of these comments sicken me

I'm unsure how I'm sickening to you, by thinking that a better disciplined child is better off in the long run than one that swears, hits and screams to get their way. I think kids feel more secure and responsible knowing there are rules and they need to be followed. I'm not asking him to forget them, but just to not allow them to laugh in our faces and not listen to a word either of us say in our house - or anyones house!!! rules are rules. I have respect for my mother, who raised me.... is that not how its supposed to be?

Sorry for the asterik here.............

But someone actually said they deserve "alone time"????? When does a parent deserve alone time. If your children get sent to their Dad's for visitation, your husband should not have his kids around??????

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??????????????????????????????????

ALONE TIME!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord, take me now, for I have seen and heard it all tonight!

AFTER, and only AFTER Dad sits down and explains them to the kids. That is a good idea Alisha. I like it!

Let the rules come from Dad, and Dad must also follow through. Personally, I would never make my child stay outside, but I betcha he'll never pull that again.......

We have it scheduled so that my kids and ss are at our house the same days and we have the same weekends without the kids, otherwise there would be kids here 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and with 5 kids its hard to get a babysitter. I think all parents need some 'alone' time with each other. I think it should be a requirement actually that once a month all parents go out on a date with each other even if only for a few hours just to reconnect and be alone without the kids interrupting, it would save a LOT of marriages. Personally... if we didn't have any alone time I can pretty much guarantee that a homicide of some sort would be committed in my household. But... I'm biased because I'm a stay-at-home mom so I look forward to the weekends without kids. I'm sure it's different for the people who don't see their kids that often.

No where in my post did I refrence anything pertaining to discipline. I am talking about you step parents complaining of everyother weekend being too much and not wanting the kids to "wreck" their weekend. I'm sorry , the mere presence of his kids that he had before you were in the picture is a pain then you should of found someone with out children. How selfish can you be!!

I agree with you all the way bettyboop!!!!!

I think couples who don't get some alone time are nuts or heading toward nutville. I think that if the Father was being a Father instead of a playmate the behavior of the children would even out and seeing them every weekend might seem more tolerable. If yo.u can't be a disciplinarian, you aren't being a parent. A counselor might help him see that trying to win the popularity contest is ultimately bad for the kids.

I recently discovered that threatening to turn off the TV works small miracles on my six yr old SD's behavior. Hint: You have to actually look like your about to do it or they don't get scared. I challenge anyone to find a Judge who will ding you for turning off TV/Videogames

Also, BM probably gets a babysitter occasionally, you have the right to do that once in a while during your time. We got an angry call from BM because SS was watched by his Aunt while we went to an event that was planned two years in advance that we did not wish to miss. My husband pointed out to her that she does not report to us when she employs a babysitter.

As for growing up and being a good wife, I do not think that being a "good wife" means having my lips surgically attached to my husbands backside. But hey, I'm one of them new fangled feminists.

// Susanna

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

We were here to lend constructive help not bash eachother. Each family needs to find what works for them. My parents didn't ever go out until we got older. I know other parents that 1 time a month was a "date night". If you need a night off of the kids then that is what you need. I think that all 5 kids are yours, even if it is part time. Try to take some time off during the week so that the kids aren't there. It might be worth it even it is only a Monday that you both take off once a month.... Just a thought for the alone time. For the discipline... you both need to be on the same page period, and whatever plan you guys decide to go with stick to it!!! Rules are part of life the sooner they learn that there are rules to live by the more sold they will be as adults and the easier it will be when they become teenagers. Good luck!
Mom of 13 year old daughter, step mom to 9 year old daughter, and 6 year old son. But definately always learning, and looking for new ways to work with kids.

need to have rules and need to behave. They need to learn that all people, their parents, their step momd & dads, their siblings ect... need to be treated with respect. It will be a long & hard life for them in the real world if they don't learn this very important lesson. DH & I have an agreement that whether either of us is right or wrong we will back each other up when it comes to the children. If we disagree then we will discuss it later when they are not present.

Some times the boys drive me nuts, but hey my sibs & I drove my mom nuts at times.. they are kids. I am fortunate because my DH & BM have raised their children to be respectful & neither tolorate any shit. Dh has asked me what will I say to them when they pull a " well your not my mom" when I tell them to do something. I told him my response is, don't make me get your mom on the phone becasue she will tell you the same thing & won't be pleased that you are pulling this. They know I am not their mom, however I am queen of this castle and that is not up for debate.

I also know that in order to have a healthy marriage & therefore a healthy family, couples NEED to put their relationship first. Happy parents=happy kids.

If Bio parents see that their children are being disrespectful & hurtful to their partners they need to step up and correct the situation ASAP!! This is not up for debate. Would you let your child do this to their grandmother?

Women do need to do the best they can to be a good wife, but guess what, men need to be good husbands as well. Love & life are a two way street. I can guarentee you this... my husband would tell you that I am the best wife he could ask for & vise versa. You have to give in order to take... that or prepare for your next divorce.

I feel for you, that is a lot of deal with. I think your being taken advantage of big time. Talk to your husband and hard as it is be firm. I'm sure he'll want to compromise more, better then paying out more child support. How about also telling the ex wife that she will be taking them 2 weekends a month, and husband needs to be made aware that your done with this arrangement. I can tell that from your post so keep your chin up meanwhile.

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I am so ill that I have not seen this before. There is no question the dad needs to take care of his kids by himself for some time, so he can deal with them. And BM needs to either teach her kids some manners and self-discipline or let them accept the consequences the world dishes out for not having any, like this-!

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

What is that? My skids are with me 24/7 7 days a week on my free time. I haven't had an alone night with DH since last summer which is probably one of the main reasons my marriage is going south. You do start to resent it but you know I see it as a problem with DH and not the kids. Your DH needs to step in on the weekends and start kicking butt!!! You may not want the kids every weekend but this is the schedule he agreed to with BM. My suggestion. Disengage. Do NOTHING for these people and throw the reponsibilities on the weekends back on your husband. Don't clean, dont cook, go out with your family and friends!!!
It is not your responsibility to take care of these children. You were not involved in the visitation agreement and catering to Skids is NOT your responsibility. It is his. If he won't do things with you alone on any weekends SKIDS or not then uou need to plan things on your own. I agree with the babysitter thing but I am telling you from experience if the kids don't behave for you then a babysitter will be hard to find. No relationship will last unless you pay some attention to it

I don't think you are selfish for wanting some or even one of your weekends with DH alone sometime. If you are like me I work all week and so my weekends are my only time off. I am so sick of being told just because I married a man with kids that I gave up ALL of my needs and desires. My life is NOT all about the SKIDS. I resent being placed in that position. I am really the only real parent my skids have. Of course I desire a break. Geesh I am not Joan of Arc here. I think if we as SM's dont fend for ourselves NOONE will take up for us. But DH needs to figure this out. From a BM point of view she does take care of the children all week. I can't blame her for expecting your DH to at least take them during the weekends. I was a single BM and ExH NEVER took my children anytime. I love my BKIDS but I even needed a break sometimes from my own BKIDS because I worked so many hours during the week. I had a 2 month old and a 3 year old and worked 10 to 12 hour days. Thank God my family was there for me. Looking back I don't know how I did it!

Look at it this way it could be worse. You can deal with the skids 24/7 like I do now. BM may decide like my skids BM did to abandon the kids or she may even drop dead(hmmmm bad Cruella bad Cruella!). Then you would have the kids fulltime. My skids are great kids. I love them dearly but I need a break myself. DH needs to get on the same page with you on the disipline or it will never work.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

You can't rent space in my head, I reserve the right to evict you.

My DH used to get the kids every single weekend. I don't mind having them around, it's just that we can never do ANYTHING as a couple. We both work during the week. I sat him down and we agreed that every third weekend of the month is our weekend.

I hang out with my DH and skids on the weekends. But there are also other times where I go out and hang with family and friends. I never made the mistake of taking over as "mom", so I don't feel guitly about leaving. They aren't my kids, so they aren't my responsibility. I was falsely accused of abuse by BM, so if DH can't take the kids, they don't come over. I won't put myself in that kind of situation again.
This arrangement works for us. DH gets his time with the kids, I get my free time or I can hang out with the kids.