My fiance briefly dated a woman for a few months before he decided that they should no longer see each other. He found out after they had broken up that she was pregnant. His daughter is now 8 years old. He never lived with this woman. Anyway, he does pay child support and takes his daughter 3 weekends a month. Here is my problem, the mom is very, very angery with me. I have no idea why but she hates me, I think she's jealous of him and I and my two kids being a family and wishes she could have had what we have. Their relationship was very short and it ended 9 and 1/2 years ago. She is so mean to me when I answer the phone and fortunately for her I am not a fighter. Rather than being angry with her I feel sorry for her, she is always in a rage about something. She is not happy with her life at all. She yells and screams at my boyfriend in front of her child, and on the rare occasion that her daughter is on the phone with me she has screamed "hang up on her" The daughter has lots of problems and is seeing a councellor. The councellor has suggested that she believes the girl is being emotionally abused at home by her mom and I tend to believe it after seeing how the mom acts. My boyfriend feels so bad for his daughter that he won't disipline her at all. I can't do anything because the mom would be even more angry if I sent the girl to her room. As it is, the daughter does go home and tell her mom lies about how we treat her. I am at the end of my rope. I don't know to do. I have an appointment with the councellor myself to hopefully help the situation.
Your probably right, bm could be jealous....
BUT, I don't think that is quite the case here. Why after 9 years would she suddenly be jealous? I think it has more to do with insecurity......BIG DIFFERENCE by the way.
In being with you and the girl's father, you are probably presenting a family unit. Something that the girl's mother is not/was not able to provide. Perhaps her daughter comes home happy, excited, and talking about her weekends with all of you. Her Mom is afraid. Afraid that her daughter may like your home better than the home that she has tried to provide. The feelings are natural, the reactions, are not. It is scary when us bio's portray our insecurities on to our children. I used to feel that way every time my son went to see his dad and stepmom. He was so obviously excited to go there, my heart would break....for myself. Of course, I had the brains to NOT rant and rave like a lunatic, but there were times I would have liked to.
Is this relationship new to her daughter? You and your bf I mean?
Suggestion: Try so very very very hard not to speak about the bio in front of the daughter. NO MATTER WHAT, NO BADMOUTHING HER. I know how hard that can be. But in the long run, you'll be better off......
Good luck!
J
that makes sense
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think insecurity is probably the problem. We never talk about the bio mom when any of the kids are around, she's angry enough without adding fuel to her fire. It's not a new relationship but I think the mom and daughter were hoping it wouldn't last. We just got engaged at Christmas and that seems to have made things alot worse.
Another thing...
perhaps a little redirection might also work. I might suggest that you focus on this little girl and try to form a bond with her instead. Find something that you can share with her, know any arts, music, baking, cooking, color with her, play games with her, etc etc. Try to make some sort of connection with her. She really needs a real parent right now.
The other thing is that is sounds like Dad needs a little help. Perhaps since SD is seeing a counselor maybe it's time for Dad too or all of you as a family unit? That way, the counselor can give you each 'tools' to use to help 'combat' the ugliness. Dad is unfortunately parenting by guilt. That's not good and he needs to understand that there are consequences. He's not going to 'open his eyes' willingly, unless you actually step back and let him deal with it head on. If she's being emotionally abused by her mother, than Dad needs to get some help in 'combating' this to help his daughter.
Unfortunately, I have to say that maybe you should step back just a little bit because of the circumstances. Because since you recognize that BM has a problem, so don't feed into her. When the subject of 'Mom' does come up, perhaps you should just leave it open ended, redirect and focus on your family unit instead for the time being. If questions are posed, just ask more questions, but NEVER pressure for answers. This will at least get the wheels turning in the head.
Fiance...
You referred to this bf as your fiance. I know you love him, but do you really want to deal with this bs for the next ten years? You mention two children of your own, would it be fair to them that your energies be exhausted? I am not knocking you, I just wish SOMEONE had said that to me four years ago...
This bm will NOT give up. Nine years going strong...I wonder of you could talk to bf's past girlfriends. (did bm's antagonizing get to be too much for them?)
Just prepare yourself before you commit.
You may not like what I wrote, but like I said, I wish someone had conked me over the head before I jumped in this pool.
thanks for the input
I have thought of this over and over. My kids love my boyfriend and we're engaged. Having already been married once I am not about to do it again until I am sure it will last. I have thought and thought about leaving just to be done with all this bs. We are going to see a councellor and I guess we'll take it from there.
I think mine is a whirl pool...
with a wave machine...
My life raft is deflating, my flare gun is wet, my vest has a hole in it and I see no rescue in sight... think I'm drowning?
Oh, yeah, now sharks are swirling under neath me... I'm a gonner for sure.
LOL...
Conked over the head before you jumped in this pool??!! LMAO!
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