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Am I wrong for not wanting my stepkids full time?

MonicaJasmin's picture

So my fiance and I have been together for a year and are about to have our first baby together. He has . ids from his previous marriage (girl, 13 boy, 8 ). They spend every other weekend with us but he just told me yesterday that he wants to file for custody! Actually, he asked his son in front of me if he wanted to come live with us without even asking how I felt about it.
I'm really hurt because I feel like we're not even married yet and he's already counting me out of all those big decisions that we're supposed to be making as a couple. I basically told him that it was too big of a responsibility for me and that I didn't think that it was fair that my opinion didn't count. He pretty much told me that he was filing for custody whether I wanted this or not.
The kids' bm is really irresponsible and her boyfriend is even worse! The children live in bad conditions but I juat don't think he's putting me and my daughter's future as a priority. It's always gonna be his two kids..
They're good kids but I honestly don't think that they should come live with us! He says that If I really loved him I would put up with his children too but it seems like he doesn't even care what I think about the matter. I don't know what to do :/

Anon2009's picture

If the kids are living in bad conditions, he as their dad has a responsibility to get them out of that. Same applies if they're being abused and neglected. When it comes to bad living conditions, abuse and/or neglect, he needs to get them out of that and whether or not you want them living with you full time shouldn't be the most important thing on his mind. Not if the kids are really in jeopardy.

No, you don't have to want them living with you. That's understandable. But you need to accept that if bm is a bad parent, dad should get custody.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well perhaps if he had sat down and discussed this with you first you would've been more receptive to it.

He has two kids that he believes are not being taken care of properly and he wants to file for custody. That is a responsible caring father. However he needed to consult you on this, work out how this wS going to work with you, who was driving then to school, picking them up etc., who was going to,do all the cooking, cleaning, he lounge with homework, driving them to activities etc,, and, if he thought he'd just do all that himself, where does time with his new daughter fit in to his plan.

He's right for wanting to protect his kids. He's wrong, very wrong for not discussing this with you. This may impact on you far more than it ever would on him, you'd be going from 1 child to take care of to 3 and you had a right to be consulted.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Exactly! I admire him for being a good father but this isn't the first time that he doesn't consult with me before making decisions. When we got together I clearly stated what my plans were. I'm 20 so I told him I would continue my education and evetually work and be a full time mommy to my daughter. We were clear on the fact that his kids would be with is only every other weekend. It seems unfair that he new what my plans were from the start and now he's changing it up on me! Not only that, he doesn't think it's a big deal.
Now, the kids are not being abused or anything. The onlt reason I say "bad conditions" is because we live in a nicer apartment than the old mobile home they live in. They're bm is not as caring as I have been with them from the start. He hadn't even thought about filing for custody until he met me! I feel like he's doing it because he wants me to take the role of being their mother and I can't do that! I didn't sign up for raising 3 kids.

DarlinCompanion's picture

Ok, wow. A few things:

You are already about to have a baby with this man and you've been with him for one year. Something tells me you two might have jumped into this relationship before talking about a lot of fundamental things first, like the possibility that he will try to get his previous kids with him full-time. That's basic stepmom 101: if you marry a man with kids, having the kids with you full-time is something you should ALWAYS consider a possibility. What if, God forbid, BM dies? Who is supposed to take care of the kids?

Yeah, his two kids are always going to be a priority, just like your daughter is to you. Expecting him to feel any less about his kids is unfair.

You're a big girl now with one child already and another on the way with a man you haven't been with as a couple for very long. Being a stepmom is hard enough as it is after YEARS of getting used to the situation, and you've jumped in head first with your own child and one on the way. If he needs to do what is best for he kids who were there first, then he should do it. And you should be glad you are with a man who cares enough about his kids to want that.

MonicaJasmin's picture

I absolutely agree. I jumped into the relationship too soon and these are the consequences. However, we had discussed that his kids would only be with us every other weekend and then he decides to file for custody without even asking me first. It's a huge deal! And yes, my daughter is my priority now and I honestly don't think having the kids around is the best for her. He will always favor them only because he feels guilty about the divorce.
I love my fiance but I feel like I shouldn't have to take the role of being a mother when they still have their bm! She's the one that should step up and be a mom. I'm just thinking that getting married would be a bad idea.. if I can't deal with the idea of them living with us permanently then I shouldn't even continue with this relationship.
Yes, I made a mistake rushing into starting a family with this man and that's something I have to live with but should I get married because I'm in love and just so my daughter can have her dad around and be in a miserable marriage because I don't want my skids around? Not sure..

DarlinCompanion's picture

Listen to your gut...you are so young, and I do not hold that against you. It's just that the stakes are so high, I want you to think brutally hard about your choices.

When a person shows you who he is, believe him. Your opinion matters and by God it counts. Don't become a second-class citizen in your own home.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Thank you. It's just a lot to think about, you know? In the end I'm just going to do what I feel is best for me and my baby. We'll see how it goes :/

DarlinCompanion's picture

I said this: "And you should be glad you are with a man who cares enough about his kids to want that."

I was wrong to say that. It's good to be with a man who loves his kids but not at the expense of your dignity and equality in the relationship.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Yes.. I agree. He's not considering the fact that he has a new partner (soon to be wife) and that any decision that can change eother of our lives has to be consulted with me first! He is so willing to give up on oir relationship just to be with his 2 other kids. What about me and my daughter?

MonicaJasmin's picture

My parents and I are extremely close! So naturally, they're totally supportive and would do anything for me and my daughter. My parents never approved of my fiance so I try not to ask my mom stuff like this because she feels that I woild be better off on my ow. She feels that I'm too young to raise two more children

The_Atheist's picture

He has a 13 year old, she is only twenty. I bet this guy is nearly twice her age. WAY old enough to have understood what he needed to communicate. And the fact he thought a mere twenty year old could mom two teens goes to show he may have been more concerned with her beauty than her maturity.... Whenever I see a person MY age hawking on a twenty year old, nine out of ten times something isn't right with the guy (and I'm saying that as a person in an age gap relationship)

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well, you may very well be on the money. He may have planned all along to use you as a live in babysitter for his kids. So moving in with you was all part of the bigger plan "his" bigger plan. You may actually be little more to him than a convenience. That's something only you can know.

At 20, I agree you shouldn't be taking on three kids. Your life has barely begun, to have to take on a 13 year old and an 8 year old as well as your own child I think is too big an ask. That 13 year old is more than half your age, how are you going to "mother" him.

The bigger problem. Your partner making decisions and not discussing them with you. You are not one of his children you are supposed to be his partner. He doesn't seem to be showing you much respect in this relationship does he.

You need to give this some serious thought. Taking on the kds and living with a man who just lays down the law is a recipe for disaster.

You said it yourself, you didn't sign up for this. You need to take back control of your life and you need to take a long hard look as to why this man is with you.

He says if you REALLY loved him you'd put ip with his kids too. LOL, that's something they say to maje you feel bad and to guilt you so you end up,doing what they want just to prove how much you do love them. It's a guilt trip. Your response should have been, and if you REALLY lived me you would not be making any decisions, let alone such life changing ones without discussing them with me.

You know what. I think you should get out of this. You are far too young to be raising three kids with anyone let alone this manipulator your living with. You made plans for your life. You told him upfront what those plans where. Stick to your plans and. Let him raise his kids alone if he is so concerned about them.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Yeah! It upsets me that he knew what my plans were yet he kept his plans from me and now he tells me that it's not really that big a deal that he wants his kids with us. He plans to get a job in which he'll be out of town for weeks at a time so guess who's stuck with mommy responsibilities? Me! He didn't even ask me if it's what I wanted. That hurts.
He just says that I want things to be easy and I just wanna do the bare minimum. That's unfair of him to say. I have been nothing but nice to his children but it's really selfish of him to force me into this position where I have to choose to live as one big happy family or living alone with my baby

emotionaly beat up's picture

Darling, get the hell out.

What a laugh. He says you just want things to be easy, then he wants to dump three kids on you and piss of for weeks at a time for "work". He is the one who's taking the easy way here. Dumping his responsibilities on you. Don't do it.

Don't be anybody's fool. This guy is trying to mentally wear you down. If you were my daughter I'd pack your stuff and get you out of this relationship so fast your head would spin.

You made a mistake here. You moved too fast in this relationship and now your pregnant. Don't make that mistake worse by staying.

You need to leave please.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Finally! Somebody who doesn't think I'm crazy for thinking that he's taking advantage of the fact that I've been nothing but tolerant. I don't think I should put up with this crap. Like I said, they have a mom! But he knows that I've accepted so much already and he thinks that just because I love him I have to love his kids unconditionally as well.
He juat feels like I can be a better mom to his kids than their bm but I can't raise a 13 and 8 year old! He doesn't see how much it's gonna affect me

The_Atheist's picture

Honey, any guy in his late thirties and early forties that knocks up a girl only 20 doesn't have the greatest thought process to begin with. Guys go for young girls because they are easy to control. The fact he didn't ask you and then tried to emotionally manipulate you goes to show that hope for control. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but something is goofy with this guy...

The_Atheist's picture

Honey, any guy in his late thirties and early forties that knocks up a girl only 20 doesn't have the greatest thought process to begin with. Guys go for young girls because they are easy to control. The fact he didn't ask you and then tried to emotionally manipulate you goes to show that hope for control. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but something is goofy with this guy...

emotionaly beat up's picture

Your not crazy hon. Your gut instincts are spot on. He's playing mind games with you. Trying to make you the bad guy. It's emotional abuse. Just like domestic violence they wear you down
Bit by bit till you start to believe its all your fault. Your not crazy.
In fact your wise beyond your years for waking up to
What his game is. Now you need to get the hell out of this. It's not good for you or your daughter. Do
You want her to grow up watching him treat you like this and have her think this
Is how relationships work. Because she will follow your example here. Leave if not
for your own sake, do it for her. Your gut instincts are alarming you. Listen to them.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Same thing my mom said.. It just hurts me that I rished into things and now my daughter's happiness is at stake. And it sucks that I love him and he's so willing to give up on me and my daughter just to be with his other two kids. Literally, he said that if I couldn't deal with us being a family then to leave him because he wanted his kids with him. At least I know now what his priorities are before I'm tied down..

Delilah's picture

Got to be blunt and say, this REALLY sounds like he had deliberately trapped you with this plan. While it takes two to make a baby, and sorry but you obviously had a hand in that, it does seem to me that he genuinely thinks "ah ha, great Monica is up the duff with my child and now I have her where I want her. She will be at home with our daughter, so I can dump my children on her, relieve my guilt and f#ck off for a week or so at a time for work, and side stepping the burden of all the kids..."

Is he fricking serious? You are about to give birth ffs! Plus he wants to hand over more children to you without discussing it? You are being used. You are being abused.

Luckily you have great parents. Do not wait until you are shattered with a new born at home, get out now. Do not fall for his words either, action tells you intent and behaviour. Many a horrible person have hid their true nature with pretty words and promises, but that mask falls off when they do what they want without consideration for anyone except what THEY want!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Ahh yes. You love him. Those of us who have suffered the longest cried the same words. And we did. But darling this man
Doesn't love you. He has told you to leave. Here you are pregnant with his child and he's telling you to leave. He is telling you how little he cares and you by the very fact you stay are showing him you're fine being treated like this.

Your making excuses to stay when you talk of things like your daughters happiness. She will thrive under the care of a happy mum. She will suffer mentally and emotionally with a mother who is overwhelmed, abused and taken for granted by her
Selfish father. As I said before leave. If not for you, do it for your unborn
Baby. She deserves a better start in life. Leave.

The longer you stay the more he will wear you down. Don't
do this to your child. She deserves better. You
Deserve better. Your poor mother, she must be beside herself seeing her precious daughter and her unborn
Grandchild being treated this way. I feel for your mother.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Thank you guys.. you're confirming what I already thought. He is the one that's being selfish but trying to make me feel guilty so I can stay with him. And yes, I feel that my daughter will be a lot better off with me and my parents in her life rather than a man who is never gonna see her the way he sees his other kids. Apparently he believes their happiness should come first.
Yeah, my mom hates seeing me like this but she's right, if I marry this man the problems will never end and I will always be second to them. Only because he feels guilty that they have a horrible mother. I'm just glad my daughter has a lot of people that are so anxious to meet her and care for her. In all honesty, she doesn't need him if he's giving up on her so easily... Sad excuse of a man :/

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well said. You are lucky to have a smart supportive mother. Listen to her. As long
as you have her, I don't think
You need us. Listen to your mother and your gut. Your daughter will be far better off if you do.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well said. You are lucky to have a smart supportive mother. Listen to her. As long
as you have her, I don't think
You need us. Listen to your mother and your gut. Your daughter will be far better off if you do.

MonicaJasmin's picture

I love my mother! I just wanted to know other people's opinions. You know, people who might be in the same situation as I am. I don't have a lot of mom friends, especially with skids so it's nice to have other people to talk to

Rags's picture

His behavior explains exactly how he considers you in his life and the life of his children. You are far from an equity partner in his mind. You are a womb for more of his children and a childcare resource for him, a cook, a maid and a live in booty call.

I would call a locksmith to change the locks next time he leaves for work, and when he gets home send him to a restaurant where you will meet him to give him clarity.

Clarity:

1. I am your partner not your brood mare, maid, baby sitter and housekeeper.
2. I will be involved in every decision in our home and our relationship of you will be be paying CS and getting limited visitation with our child(ren).
3. Let me introduce you to the Step Parents Bill of Rights: (I have included it below for your reference. Give him a copy).
4. Any violation of the SPBOR will immedicately result in your FDH losing his joint child with you, his departure from your family home, a veritible lifetime of future CS payments and you will find someone to share your life with who treats you as an equity partner.

Here is the SPBOR for your reference.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws, adult & minor children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

MonicaJasmin's picture

Thank you. This really helps more than you can imagine. All along he has been making me think that I'm the bad person for not accepting his children to come and live with us permanently. He doesn't understand that our marriage has to come before anything so that our family can prosper. It's good to know that I'm not wrong for thinking that this is a huge decision thay shouldn't he taken lightly

Rags's picture

MJ,

My wife and I had similar discussions to what you and your FDH had before we married. We have an age difference. (I am nearly 50 and DW is 38). We married 5mos after I graduated with my BS and a week before SS turned 2yo. Since then we have completed several more degrees and certifications between us. DW has a dual major BS with honors, we both have an MBA with honors, DW is a CPA and I am a licensed risk management professional and a PMP.

SS is now 21 and serving in the USAF and working on his BS.

The key for us is being true partners. I think this is key to any successful marriage where the partners are together greater than they are individually.

I hope you can get your SO to find clarity. If you can work together you can have a great marriage, a good life, raise your child(ren) to be viable adults and provide stability for your Skids.

Good luck.

SS is now 21

MonicaJasmin's picture

I figured it wouldn't be a piece of cake to get full custody. Just sucks that he made the decision to file all by himself. And the worse part is that he didn't even tell me himself! I had to find out because I heard him asking his son if he wanted to come live with us. And yes, their BM is an irresponsible mother and we know that she would rather be out with her asshole boyfriend but she is still their mother! They love her and respect her more than they will ever love me. And I'm ok with that..

emotionaly beat up's picture

It doesn't matter if he gets full custody or not. He has shown you loud and clear what he really thinks about you. He has shown you he has no respect for you and you are not an equal partner in this relationship. He has told you if you don't do his bidding you can leave. For goodness sake, how much more abuse do you need to suffer before you realise he is too much in love with himself to be able to love you. Listen to your gut and your mother.

Generic's picture

And if you remarry, make absolutely sure that your future DH is totally onboard with your daughter. She deserves a loving home and to feel wanted by everyone in her home.

Rags's picture

Yep.

confused2013's picture

A year ago, my SO and I had a baby girl together and at the same time my 2 SS (8 &11) came to live with us full time except for every 2nd weekend. We used to have them every weekend, and I thought it wouldn't be much of a change - but it was very different from what I thought it would be, a lot more work. It's lucky I loved him so much, loved them so much and had his complete support. We had already made plans that he would be the stay at home dad, and that's exactly what we did after 8 months. It's working out well for us.

Early in our relationship, he was very centered on his kids. They came first at every and all opportunity - we used to fight a lot about it. He didn't realise that while it is vitally important to take care of their needs, it isn't in their best interests to sacrifice our relationship, to not respect me and my role in their lives. It took a lot of "convincing" but we are becoming stronger as a couple every day.

But there was no manipulation, we always made it clear to each other where we stood. Unless you have his respect, and his support you will not be able to be the great role model for the kids that he hopes. I agree, sit down with him and try and have him understand this and the thousands of other decisions that will need to be made - need to be made together. It's not easy making a marriage work, let alone a blended family. You need a relationship that has a ton of respect to survive.

Suggest he have the kids for a couple of weeks where he has to do everything for them, so he can see what he expects you to take on. Remind him that he has had 13 years to grow into fatherhood and he is expecting you to take it on without even being consulted.

And if he still can't see, still doesn't budge, then you are a thousand times better off and safe in the knowledge you gave it your best shot.

amber3902's picture

I agree with the other posters that you should leave. Your DH made a major life decision without even talking to you about it.

Just think - what other decisions is he going to make without discussing with you?

mannin's picture

Get out now!

If you stay, your life will only get worse. I'm raising my SS and it was never a goal in my life to raise someone else's kid. I have my DH's support, but we still have our fights about it because I refuse to not be heard.

Like another poster said, if you were my daughter, I would have you packed and out today.

emotionaly beat up's picture

MonicaJasmin, none of us here have anything to gain or lose here. Not physically, financially or emotionally. You are not our daughter, the little one you carry within you is not our grandchild. So as I said we have nothing to gain or lose. You however have a lot to gain. The people on her collectively have years and years of experience in being emotionally abused. They have lived the life you are now living. Some of these women have stuck it out for over 20 years, and they are still here suffering. The longer you stay in these relationships, the more difficult it becomes to leave.

Most people who have responded to you are telling you the truth. It's not changing, it will get worse, and he has not one ounce of respect for you as a wife or a partner. As long as you do things his way, well you'll make a great babysitter, or stand in mother if he can find a way to get those kids off the ex. Which by the way is just his way of paying her back. Making her suffer. It's not really about the well being of the kids at all. If he cared so much about the kids he could've taken them with him when he left and let her fight for custody. He didn't.

Forgetting the custody and the kids for a moment. This man has told you if you don't do things his way you can leave. He's said that more than once. Seriously, does a man who loves a women say something like that, especially when that woman is carrying his child

I pray you will take our advice and go, go before your child is born. That way if he tries to punish you as he has his ex by trying to get custody when he finds a new girlfriend his behaviour and lack of interest will go well and truly against him.

Go, start a wonderful new life without him. Life a life that you and your daughter deserve.

JAMS2011's picture

Don't get married

His kids will always come first. That will never change. That ex will be in your life until the end of time no matter what you do. If you don't think you can handle that sort of life style then don't get married because it will never change. EVER. He had those children long before you came along and it has nothing to do with him not loving you. It's exactly the opposite really.

It sounds to me like he wants you all to be a family. He wants all the people he loves under one household all of the time but he will never know how you feel because 1. he is a guy and 2. he is not in your situation. All the kids in the relationship are HIS KIDS. Whereas the only kid in the relationship that is YOUR KID is the baby.

saramichele89's picture

Is there an update on this, girl?
Did you leave him or are you leaving him? I just wanted to say... I agree with everyone. Get the fuck away from this man. It only gets more difficult after you get married, have your own children and blend your families. If he can't work with you this early on? It's doomed. My husband and I have been together 5 years and it's only now starting to get a little rocky communication wise about 5% of the time I can't believe what I'm hearing. But most of the time we are still perfect together and that's because we are meant for each other. You don't want to be miserable forever. There is greener grass.

bug3211's picture

My worst nightmare would be to have ss full time as I relish my child free time. However, if SS were living in horrid conditions I would absolutely understand why DH would want his son full time. I think you are being selfish. Yes, it sucks, but there is a child in need of a stable home and that child belongs to the man you love.

FrustratedButHappilyMarried's picture

Something very similar happened to me a few weeks ago. My husband's babymomma went nuts and basically tried to push my SS on us fulltime and without even asking me, there we were picking him up! I felt like wait buddy! This was not the agreement when we got together! I felt angry that he would just push that on me and I would have to accept it if I love him or I'd look like the bad guy.

completely_lost's picture

get used to it, it doesn't change over the years, the decisions keep being made without you, even though they seem to increase in severity. I have our DS full time (since 3 years old), and it is a nightmare, she is now 12. That is a long prison sentence of constantly not being good enough and being out of the loop.