I can't stand my SD...at all.
Hi....I'm new here and I figure this would be a great place to find some help. Simply put, I cannot stand my 4 year old SD. I am a father of a son who is 4, he has his typical toddler issues but overall he is a great kid and I love him to death. My wife's daughter is a terrorist. I almost didn't marry her because of it. She throws tantrums, destroys things around the house, whines, still wears a diaper to bed, and other annoying things.
My wife thinks that she's a perfect little angel. I have caught the SD going #2 behind my garage, she's destroyed a toilet seat, broken a mirror on the medicine cabinet, won't leave my son alone, tries to destroy my son's toys, ran up behind my son and tried to push him down on concrete, says the DUMBEST things for a 4 year old, painted the counter with nail polish, will lift up her shirt and say look at my boobies, and when you ask her about her bad behavior, you can literally watch her brain shut off through her eyes.
Every time I bring up her inability to progress as a child should to my wife, all hell breaks loose. She will always give in to the temper tantrums and whining but then complains to me about why she won't mind her. If I had known about the extent of the issues SD had, there's no way I would of married her. I learned alot from the divorce of my first wife. I have seriously considered terminating the relationship as part of the reasons why I want out.
I have made it clear that I have zero intentions of having more kids with my wife. I don't want to have more stress of an out of control kid with a mother who lacks in parenting ability.
Sorry this is so long but I appreciate any feedback
Welcome to the site. You have
Welcome to the site. You have your hands full! I know, and you know, that until your wife see's the behavior for what it is, nothing will change. It takes a lot to make parents like this to see that the child is not perfect. My SS once tried to throw a chair thru the window at summer camp becuase he was told it was time to sit and listen to instruction time. He was almost kicked out. You know what my DH said about it? The counselors were just picking on him. :sick: Yep, it is always some one else's fault....
I brought up her lack of
I brought up her lack of parenting ability and failing at it. I even used the classic line of "you either discipline her now or the prison guards will do it later, up to you."
You would of thought I peed in her glass of water. She started going to counseling and she admitted that the counselor agreed with me and she realized just how much of a train wreck this kid is and how much it stresses me out. I DREAD when little precious comes for visitation. I would rather have the IRS audit me.
But wife fell back into her bad habits....every time I express interest to discuss a disagreement and such its met with a temper tantrum and bullying to get me to back down. Petty things like stomping around the house, slamming doors, and other craziness.
My son is starting to notice the effects of the constant fighting, tension, and overall unhealthy behavior. Even discovered that my blood pressure went through the roof for so long from the adrenaline overload that it was starting to damage my kidneys.
Thank you for the welcome wagon and reply. Its so nice to know that there are people here who don't take sh*t from anyone and that boundaries are absolutely necessary. Mine get treated like a doormat for her and little precious' feet off when they step on dog crap in the yard.
I'm glad you are able to see
I'm glad you are able to see that your SD's behavior is the direct result of your wife's poor parenting.
If you are certain that you will not have any children with your wife due to her inability to parent, you'd better get a vasectomy. DO NOT leave birth control up to your wife to handle.
All you need is a "Oh I forgot to take my pill today! Guess what honey? We're pregnant!" And your already drama filled life will become even more complicated.
Funny you bring that
Funny you bring that up....that DID happen last summer. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. During that time I was very very angry with her because in no way did I give consent to having a baby with her or leave huge life choices about my life up to her. I still have this huge wad of resentment towards her about trying to intentionally trap me. During a disagreement I mustered up the courage to tell her that I felt like she tried to trap me, and that she did this exact same thing to her baby daddy. "Oh woops I was taking an antibiotic with that birth control....who knew?" This time I got the excuse of "oh oops the pharmacy didn't fill it" when I found a brand new round of pills in the medicine cabinet. She simply cannot be trusted.
I am glad to see that I am NOT alone and I have an avenue in which to vent about how much of a circus my life is and how much I hate this kid. I have told her I plan on getting my balls cut, if she doesn't like it, there's the door, no questions asked.
I have no idea why on earth
I have no idea why on earth you are still with this woman. If you can't respect her or trust her (and rightfully so), what's left?
Im sorry you have to go
Im sorry you have to go through that. SD sounds like she is terrified of losing mommy's interest. Remember, negative attention is better than no attention. She's only 4 so she is most likely acting out to make sure she controls the situation. She is too little to verbally express her concerns and her fears. What's "worse" so to speak is now she has to share mommy with not just you but a new brother who is her same age and seems fine with the status quo. Please, by no means am I advocating her behavior or your wife's for that matter, but keep in mind she is still very young and doesnt understand a lot. That being said, this behavior is very unacceptable. In addition, by your wife giving in due to perhaps guilt or frustration, your wife is inadvertantly perpetuating the behavior. It very very important for the two of you to be a united front. I used to be a preschool assistant and worked with kids at my church. In addition I have a son with autistic spectrum who had some minor behaviorial issues when he was younger. My SO and I have had issues with SKs. We have to be a united front for all kids involved, mine and his.
My suggestion (yes, this sounds odd) is to go to a neutral place with just you and your wife and SD. Let your son play with a friend or a relative and not come. Perhaps you could go outside in the yard with SD and DW or take a trip to a park, playground, somewhere relatively quiet with minimal distractions. Just the 3 of you. Here's why. Just start playing. you dont have to moon all over SD. Just start kicking a ball on your own or swinging on a swing. Mom has to join in with you. Invite SD to play with you two. Trust me, any 4 yr old will comply. As you play, talk to SD. Very casually. Very calmly like this is just an ordinary day, la la la. So, SD, how are you today? How's preschool? Mommy tells me you like to do x? Just a simple basic conversation. If she refuses to answer, stay calm, keep trying. Then when you have a basic line going, start asking her gentle questions. Like "I know it's hard sometimes to share things. Is it hard for you to share Mommy you think?" "You know, BD was so excited when he found out you were going to be his sister. What do you think about BD? What do you like to play with him/" It's also important for Mom to be there but let you lead conversation and not get defensive or pissy. The point is to give SD a chance to express why she is upset. And YOU cant get defensive or pissy either. She is a kid and again, only 4. She is not going to comprehend or communicate like a teenager. You need to give her a chance to vent too. Kids dont WANT to misbehave. They act out for attention because they are in pain or struggling to understand. They have no control, the adults do. If every time SD pulls something, you freak out and yell or Mommy and you fight, she's getting control. She needs reassurance from You, her new brother (he's only 4 too so there's only so much he can say or do), and your wife that you are a family, she's an integral part of it, and will not be replaced. Your wife needs to calmly lay down rules and enforce them but make it clear that this or that wont be allowed. Praise SD when she does do good or if she does nothing at all, a simple "Hey, SD, I like your dress" or I saw the drawing you did, that was pretty cool. No need to butter her up, just simple little things.
Youre not a jerk or a prick. Youre frustrated and angry and defensive. It's okay, it's normal. But please think hard before going through another divorce. Is it really the child that's the problem or your wife's refusal to constructively act on it? I'm not trying to beat on your wife. But she needs to be honest with her daughter, say that you are part of their family now, you're all going to stick together, and most important, both you and your wife need to impress forcibly on that little girl that YOU LOVE HER REGARDLESS OF HER BEHAVIOR. You dont have to like her. But you have to give it a shot. Give it a chance.
I have a step daughter that
I have a step daughter that was around that same age when we married. She sounds just like yours. Well, it didn't get better, it got much worse because my husband never got it under control. She is now 18 and I no long speak to her. Trust me, the old they get the worse thing can get. If I didn't have child with my husband, I would have left years ago. I was trapped because I had a child and this was the only way to protect my son.
I know this sounds mean......but you really need to get out before you get trapped!!! We don't have to be married to someone to be happy!!! This is something I keep telling myself.
Your wife sounds like the
Your wife sounds like the evil BM I deal with. Doesn't discipline her child, trapping men with pregnancies, and portraying herself as the victim. As a grown woman I can tell you that you don't "just forget to take your pill", that is a decision she made. I think you might want to consider cutting your losses and allowing you and your son to have a happy life without her.