Not liking my step daughter to-be
First timer, hope someone can help. My soon to be 3yr old SD is causing a lot of stress. Long story short, her mother has raised her by herself since she was 6 months. BD sees her once a month for an hour in a supervised setting. I've never seen a 3 r old like this. Will hit, bite, kick, head-btt her BM. Hit me once, kicked my daughter once. This kid is very energetic, very smart, but is out of control. Kid does not listen to anyone, throws tantrums, whines, and generally does whatever she feels like doing (I know 3 yr olds are not angels, have 8yr old twins, but her behavior is extreme). We all spend weekends together at my home, but I'm starting to dread them, and I'm considering postponing the nuptials.
Guess I'm looking for help on 2 fronts, getting the kid's behavior to a "normal" level, and how to deal with a SC that I don't always like. There are some good times, but the bad seem to be more intense and leave more of an impression.
Wow--it sounds like she has
Wow--it sounds like she has a lot of anger issues that she can't express verbally.
When my 19y.o. daughter had these issues, we took her to play therapy (she was about 5y.o at the time)...came up with 3 rules:
1. no hurting yourself, or saying you will.
2. no hurting others or saying you will.
3. no hurting other people's property.
Any of these 3 rules broken = automatic time out. Are you allowed to discipline her in YOUR own home? Stand her in a corner for 3 minutes (she'd get 1 minute for each year...)...oh, our time outs wouldn't start until our daughter was quiet and ready to start it. She'd be in the corner, whining, crying, etc, and we kept telling her, "You're choosing to delay this. When you are quiet, you can start your time out--she'd stand there for sometimes 10-15 minutes for a 5 minute time-out. Again, this was advised by a play therapist for her.
Try to catch her in GOOD behavior..."SD2B, I like the way you are playing quietly with that toy." I've seen this work very effectively for children--they want attention, and negative attention is still attention, so catch them being good and praise them for it. Some days I actually would say, 'I like the way you dressed yourself" for SOMETHING to say to her.
You & FH do need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline for her, or she's always going to be in control.
~*~Cheer up! It could be worse.
I cheered up, & it got worse!~*~
I only discipline in my
I only discipline in my house when BM is not there, which isn't often. I like the 3 rules and the time out strategy. Hard part is getting BM to buy in. She went to a parenting coach who told her to just give choices, smile, and stay away from discipline for the most part. That bs isn't working and BM is realizing that, but feels guilty when she does punish her daughter.
I have tried to reinforce the good behavior, and sometimes it works great, and others she will actually shout "I am not playing nicely", or "Quit looking at me" (says this not only to me but anyone who has the misfortune of talking or looking at her). Have to admit that I wonder how deep these issues are. As far as I know there's never been any abuse, but she does seem to be a little damaged.
Maybe I had it easy with my girls, but this is so much different from my daughters...
I would suggest having a
I would suggest having a brutally honest talk with her. You have your own children and you must have a bit more experience then she does if yours are older. Let her know how this makes you feel and give her multiple "solutions" or even buy her books so she can feel like its her idea. This child is the biggest picture. Not you, and not her, so try not to blame, but tell it as it is. Almost anything is umm... fixable at that age. And what she learns now will bring you all closer together and stay with her forever.