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I really don't like my step son. please help

RobertSO's picture

I first started dating the mother almost 6 years ago. It was a bad relationship to start, she wasn't over the biological father and we split within weeks of dating. It continued being on again and off again for various reasons throughout the years. I only am still with the mother because I wanted to try and make a relationship work after she had my daughter, which was an accident. She and I had been engaged but again, reasons came up and I ended the engagement. I don't know if I feel the same about her and most of the time I can not stand her son. Being obnoxious, rude, argumentative, hitting, and outbursts. I am afraid if I leave the mother, I am failing, I failed my daughter and afraid of what will happen to her. I can't talk to the mother because she freaks out when I talk about not being with her. I can't even tell if she likes her own son based off her comments about him and how she treats him. Please someone who can lend advise, I need some.

WhittySM's picture

Leave her. If you stay you fail your daughter. If you leave you fail your daughter. Staying - You fail your daughter because she then gets to grow up in an unhappy home, with 2 unhappy parents that argue and fight most of the time. This relationship will most likely end anyways, because as you stated, it was a bad relationship to start. You can only take so much bad before you can't take it anymore, one or both of you will be DONE with this relationship. Leaving - You fail your daughter by making her a kid of divorce, not an obstacle she can't overcome though. You can then show her what a stable, peaceful home life looks like. If you should find someone better suited for you, such as my DH did with me, you can show her what a mature, loving, partnership of a relationship looks like.

My DH married BM because of SD. They were really young and he said there is no way he would have A. Married that young or B. Married her if it hadn't been for SD. Ultimately, it ended 2 years later. It actually ended long before that, it just took some time for them to realize it was already over and to finally give up the ghost.

The-StepDevil's picture

Staying in a marriage strictly because of the child usually goes more wrong than the good intentions. Children learn to read body language and vocal tone more than anything before they learn to properly communicate.

If you stay in a relationship with her mother it's possible you will be teaching her falsified love and feelings. If you argue all the time she will come to think that is normal. Esp, for girls who grow up to be women. You do not watch to teach her that hiding your true feelings in a relationship is normal. Chances are she might grow up and do the exact same thing.

She might grow up to get married and her husband could yell at her, scream and degrade her, she could think this is all normal and stay where she is not happy.

If you let yourself be happy, your daughter will come to understand this. Being miserable will one day rub off on your daughter. She is so young that you need to be happy in order to set a good impression.

Just my thoughts.

boogeymom's picture

Agreed. It would be better to leave while she's still young and doesn't really remember you guys being together than to stay together and make her think that's what a marriage is supposed to look like. Plus...you refer to her as "The Mother." Not "significant other," not "fiancée..." I think you're already done with her.

Orange County Ca's picture

It's a lose/lose situation and boy regarding how she treats you she is going to be one of the worst bio-mothers we've seen here based on how she's acting now. She'll be the rejected and scorned woman as described below.

The only way to handle women like that is to get a order of visitation and stick to it to the letter. Do not deviate from the order and do not let her deviate without going back to court and having her charged with a criminal act of disobeying a court order.

Make sure the order includes a statement that neither parent is to engage in Parental Alienation (Syndrome) commonly called PAS. From the get go video tape any comments the kid may make about how mommy thinks you're a asshole etc etc and once again back to court for a Order violation.

It's going to be a tough twenty years but best to set the boundaries now before the girl is used to you being around all the time (fighting with her Mother) which she'll come to accept as the way marriages are supposed to work.