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Frustrated but am I over reacting? As a sm to adult children do you just take a breath and let him deal with it in his own time?

Allie's picture

I apologize for the book I've written, I did try unsuccessfully not to ramble on to much. If I try to discuss the situation and my frustration with my husband he only gets angry and the friend I would normally go to has been ill and I won't bother her with my comparably mundane problems. I'm really just looking for some input. This is my first marriage, and myself nor friends and family are experienced with step children. I unfortunately wasn't able to raise my own child but spent most of my life raising other peoples children so though not the same, I have some idea of raising a child. Am I expecting to much? Do I need to just take a deep breath and suck it up? Am I just being petty?

Most of the time I either feel like a horrible person or I'm losing my mind. My 24yr old sd and her 30 something boyfriend whom we had never met before, moved in within a month of my husband and I being married. She never had really moved out. Most of her belongings never left, she crashed at friends houses as long as they'd have her and when the supply of friends runs out would move home again.. and so on and so on for years.

My husband cleans up after himself but doesn't do much household cleaning, he makes up for that by doing other things around the house and I'm fine with that. Until I moved in he lived in his bedroom and his daughter had the run of the rest of the house when she was there. I embarassingly admit his house was a mess to say the least and I knew I'd have work to do, however with a years warning I thought his adult children, his daughter in particular (most of the mess was hers) would at least clean up a little of their mess. I have over time cleaned as it really was unlivable by most peoples standards. An idea... it was two weeks of my vacation spent cleaning the kitchen, bleaching, boiling pots and pans to get them clean. I have managed to get rid of the roaches. I didn't enjoy it but knew once it was clean it would not be a problem keeping it that way since my husband actually isn't a slob and his daughter was, at the time, no longer living there.

When I first moved in she had two bedrooms with the floor completely covered two feet deep of dirty clothes and whatever else. While not working at the time she couldn't find the time to clean up the mess. After some time I decided to do it myself, critters were attracted and I didn't want to live like that. After doing 18 loads of laundry, folded neatly and sorted into boxes and bags (to be kept from the pet hair) placed for the time in the dining room so she could easily put them away where she wanted them, I never expected her to take them with her. This is when she moved in. Rather than putting the clothes away, there they stayed and clothes were tossed all over the dining room floor as she looked for the clothing for each day. After two weeks of this and a complaint from me to her father she said, well the cats have been on the clothes, they have to be washed. A few days later and again nothing done with the mess, I again washed the clothes all over the floor, folded and stacked all of the clothes this time in her room. There was never a thank you just another mess, this time in the dining room. That was the beginning.

She had gotten herself into some financial trouble and the agreement of her moving back in was to pay off debts, clean up after themselves, keep the bathroom they use clean, get themselves together and move out. A small amount of rent was requested, to cover the enormous electric bill that came with them, small amounts paid twice, over the last 6 months. (I really don't care about that, I would rather they used their money to help themselves, the rent was my husbands idea).

The boyfriend has been convicted of theft twice that I know of and I've seen the daughter and an ex-boyfriend steal from her father more than once while she didn't know the webcam was on and I could see them. When I mentioned this to her father he turned away and changed the subject. This makes me uncomfortable in itself.

Her car payments are caught up thanks to her father making payments and a loan from a family friend borrowed a year ago. No attempt has been made to amend those debts. FYI her father co-signed for the car and his once good credit rating is now a mess, payments for the car are made by him through his account (she gives him cash to deposit) and while payments are being made now they are still often late.

Both her and the boyfriend are now working and as far as I can see their money goes to eating out almost every night and partying on average three nights a week. However there is now talk of having a baby and saving up for a wedding. I should maybe add, a year ago while living with her father with then boyfriend and her child, she moved out leaving child and boyfriend with her father (since gone to live with his mother), she has only seen her child a few times since, and gets upset if the subject of child support comes up (why should she have to pay). She has herself told me she can't care for her child.

A few of the little things that bother me that I feel shouldn't so much yet do.... The bathroom they use is the main one of the house and used by company, while my husband and I mainly use the en-suite. They were asked to keep it clean. Not once have they cleaned it. It got disgusting enough for me to to just take over the regular cleaning myself, dirty underwear, beer cans, used pads and other garbage regularly all over the floor included. I've been advised, she doesn't know how to clean. Garbage is tossed into the yard.. right behind the garbage can that is there, for myself or her father to then pick up and put into the garbage after being blown around the yard. I will say they do their dishes though they won't ever put them away (I'm okay with that one, at least they're clean) what bothers me is.. I think as most people would, if there is a dish, a glass, left on the counter that isn't from my husband or myself I wash it when I do the dishes. She will leave it (it's not hers, why should she wash it). I know that ones petty but to me it just shows her attitude. The boyfriend usually does dishes (aswell as the cooking, laundry.. he's given up on trying to keep their room clean) and will wash that extra glass. If she needs room in the freezer she will take something of ours out and through it in the garbage along with the container it is in. Dishes and cutlery often end up in the garbage or have simply disappeared, supply is getting low but I refuse to buy more. I've also learned that she tells friends and family she has no money because she spends it all buying all the groceries for her father and myself and the house is already in her name. So we are living in HER house and SHE is supporting us. That one really made me angry.

She is close to losing her job for being late or simply not showing up at all, her father getting her the job at his place of work is the only reason she remains so far and the fact that a couple of times were due to hospital visits. And this is where I feel I'm the evil stepmother but why is it that every time she ends up next to death and in the emergency room with each time a different ailment it's on the weekend at around 2am when she's completely drunk and by the next night is always well enough to go party again but of course was far to sick to work. This has been going on about every two to three months since I've known her father. Once she told us she'd been stabbed, her father and I were both of course very upset and worried, she wouldn't show us, nor had any of her friends or the man she was with at the time seen it, she hadn't gone to the hospital. After continuously asking to see it to be sure she didn't need medical attention she showed us where this stab wound was, there was not so much as a scratch, nothing, no mark at all and this was two days after the "stabbing". There are more examples of things like this but I'll leave it at that. She is the healthiest sickest person I know if that makes sense.

I'd better stop here. But these are just a few of the issues I'm having. I feel this spoiled and extreme drama queen (you have no idea.. THE DRAMA!!) is taking advantage of us and I'm unable to do a thing about it. She sleeps, gets drunk and works when she feels like it and I'm tired of us supporting her and her boyfriend. It's also becoming clear to me she does not plan on leaving since her father has told her he will probably leave her this house when we move which will not be for two to five years. My husband does get upset and frustrated with her at times and may just have enough of it and kick her out, but I really don't know. I feel it's time for her to grow up, take responsibility for her life and yes move out. I am currently saving money towards a downpayment for the new house however I'm afraid it may be used to leave this situation instead. Okay, really going to stop now, honest.

Honeysuckle's picture

Hi Allie- wow- I'm gobsmacked at what you have to live with. I still can't get the image of dirty underwear, beer cans and used pads on the floor out of my mind. :jawdrop:

I'm only new here but I will just say one thing: YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!

The state they keep the house (not knowing how to clean is NOT an excuse) is imho enough for you to read them the riot act - respect the home they are sharing with you-or move out. I would never tolerate this lack of respect for myself or my home.

This is your home and it's not simply a case of taking a breath and leaving your DH to deal with it in his own time. He clearly hasn't and more than likely won't. You need to take action.

Hopefully those with more experience will chime in soon- I really feel for you- you have every right to be frustrated. This is a really tough one.

Sending ((hugs))

Allie's picture

Thank you honeysuckle. Something important I left is that the childrens mother walked out on them when they were quite young. Dad worked nights and did his best to raise them on his own but the kids were left to fend for themselves quite a bit. I feel for them but also believe there comes a time that you stop blaming others and take responsibility for your own life.

Honeysuckle's picture

I agree- sad situation but yes there comes a time when you have to start taking responsibility (**edit**:: not you! the skids)

Allie's picture

When I moved in she was in what we thought was a stable relationship, living with her boyfriend. Wrong there. I thought with that and the SKs being adults this would be easy lol. Wrong again.

And thank you. Disengaging is what I've been working on. Some days it works, other days I let things get to me to much.

I did have my doubts but really wanted to believe the best. I walked right into this, no one to blame but myself. Now I'm here and I need to figure out how to deal with it.

There are times her father is very upset with her and I do think if I leave it alone she will upset him enough that he will kick her out on his own. That's been the pattern in the past. She thinks, or thought, that I'd be her saving grace when it came to that. This time she was the one that was wrong. It was left up to me whether or not she moved in in the first place. If I'd said no, I don't know if he would have stuck with that or let her move in anyway after enough whining and crying. In the mean time here I am....

I thought about taking the garbage from the yard and tossing it in her room. How childish would that be? lol

The other day I mentioned to my husband giving them a time frame to move out. He again just ignored the comment. I think the time is coming to force the conversation, all of it.. will this be the rest of our lives, supporting her constantly because she refuses to grow up. She doesn't even try. It's all about the party.

Allie's picture

wow.. Ouch.. and THANK YOU!!

I think I'll need to reread that a few times and really let it sink in. I will also do the suggested research.

Deep breath.. and thank you again. I thought this would be a little more cathartic and I'm sure it will be, but right now it's a bit of a slap in the face, and yes it's all me. I walked into the situation ignoring the all but obvious warnings and it's true, he too is manipulating me, you said it perfectly.

Allie's picture

Thank you again so much. My only concern with this is that none of them seem to care if the place is clean or not. I seem to be the only one that cares to live in a clean house. But I will stop and do the research.

just.his.wife's picture

Oh hell no.

No no no nonononononononononono!

Garbage bags. Go to Sams/Bj's and buy in bulk.

Advise hubby/sd and her pussy whipped boyfriend that they have 72 HOURS to clean their SHIT up. Failure will result in you bagging and throwing out ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that is out of place.

So if she doesnt make the bed: there go the sheets and blankets.
Shoes on the floor? Gone.
clothing
toiletries
jewelry

I dont give a shit what it is thats left out. THROW it out. Computer? Cellphone? Ipad? Gone.

This is an adult your talking about, not a little kid. She knows DAMN good and well how to clean and how to clean up after herself, she is CHOOSING not to. And why should she? So far there is absolutely NO penalty for her being a lazy twit.

The first time she wont believe you. And boy will you be throwing ALOT of her shit away. Make sure the time frame you give ends on the day trash runs. So the shit hits the can, the can hits the road and is simply GONE.

When she gets tired of you throwing her shit away, tired of having to spend her party money on replacing shit, she will learn to clean it up and throw it away.

Next, sit down with your husband and advise him that in 90 days the kid and her bf are out or you are. That you did not envision spending the "honeymoon" period of your marriage with a couple of klingons attached to your ass. They haven't saved a dime. Have no intentions of saving money and you are declinging to subsidize their party habit any longer.

just.his.wife's picture

Yeah I do not have the patience to wait for results when being up front and in someone's face acheives the same thing.

Probably why I am in sales....

toywas's picture

I have been married to my DH for 10 years (together for 12) and I learned the hard way. Starting this year I do not bend over backwards to please my DH kids! I will not shop, cook, or clean for them. When they come over, I'm on the computer and/or the TV and I ignore them. The SGkids know to pick up all the toys they drag out because I said "I bought them I will get rid of them if I have to pick them up!" I'm not mean; I don't pick up after anyone else! My DH does all the shopping and cooking and I sit back and relax. Last time his wonderful kids were here it took my DH almost 3-4 days to do dishes (they never clean up!!!) and I refused to! I no longer have patience for slobs, and I had to tell my DH this. I hate to say this but I believe that my DH cringes when he knows his kids are coming over! That's sad but they should know by now that this is my house - NOT THEIRS!

I wish you the best! ST will definitely help you!

hereiam's picture

I didn't even need to read it all before I was thinking, "No way in hell would I put up with this."

Allie's picture

With the small amount of research I've done so far I'm finding I've already disengaged to some extent. A couple of months ago conversations stopped. She tried to talk to me and I told her to wait until her father was home. Of course when he did get home she had nothing to say to me or since really. We haven't spoken since. At first I did say little things like hi when she walked in the house but after being ignored all effort stopped on my part.

I have no trust in her, I honestly don't like being alone in the house with her, she will do or say anything to get what she wants which is most often simply attention. After an argument with her father once she went around afterwards telling people he had broken one of her ribs. She never could remember we spent a lot of time talking on skype with the webcam on. I saw the entire exchange and he never touched her once. There are numerous stories of boyfriends hurting her, once a broken ankle that miraculously healed in less than a week. This is where I feel like a horrible person but it's hard to believe anything she says. I often wonder if she's ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.

Once I showed little interest in one of her many hospital visits. It didn't go over to well but my attitude really was... what now? I can't believe how many people coddle this girl, (woman?) and let her get away with all that she does.

Thank you all for your comments. I know this was not the intent but I do feel a fool for putting up with so much and there is so much you don't know lol. I'm so glad I found this site.

Allie's picture

This will not be easy for me. I read SD did some "spring cleaning" on fb(she'll be removed off of that tonight). Other than a couple of loads of laundry I'm not sure what she's done. The bedroom door is shut and I don't dare look. However there are now two garbage bags of I don't know what in the dining room. The piece of garbage left in the middle of the living room floor that I know she stepped over numerous times today is still there. There is a full laundry basket blocking the washing machine and way to the back door. I left her dirty dish on the counter.

Now I have a question. She's added a candy dish to a table in the living room. It will, I'm sure be on the floor and the candy all over since it is where the cat likes to lie down and spread out. Daily I move things off that table because I get tired of cleaning them off the floor. Now I feel I'm being petty again, but her and I have very different taste and I really don't like it. This is not the first time she's gone around adding things to the house I've spent soooo much time cleaning up. Why does she need to decorate my house, can she not get her own and do whatever she likes there. So, do I leave the stupid little dish for the cat to knock down. Move it? Ask her to put it in her room?

sandye21's picture

You sound like a sweet person but you have to stop being a doormat. I am sorry if I sound harsh, I really am, but you need to stop it. Period. You wrote there is garbage left in the dining room and more garbage in the living room. Garbage bags are designed to hold garbage, and should be treated as such. They should be placed in the dumpster, ready for the garbage truck. If the candy dish gets knocked off of the table it goes into the dumpster too. Her dirty dishes pile up on the counter until they get washed. What else are you supposed to do? You are not being paid to be this woman's maid.

Save all the money you can so if DH doesn't support you that you can leave. Slavery was abolished a long time ago. Time for DH and SD to know this.

Allie's picture

I honestly don't mind the not speaking. At this point I want nothing to do with her so it works out fine for me. Of course my husbands blinders are on and he ignores it all, which is why I get so frustrated with him. He'll do and say nothing until I say something to him, then his anger is directed at myself and his daughter. I believe he really does expect me to take on his children now, to him I'm the mom.. umm... don't think so, they're adults, you raised them this way, your problem.

Frustratedlady's picture

Reading your post reminded me of something that happened shortly before I finally left DH. SS and DH's friend both lived with us. They too used the common/company bathroom which they never cleaned up. SS had a different girl over just about every night. Each girl used this bathroom as well leaving behind personal hygiene products. Garbage was never taking out, hair on floor, around sink and in tub. And don't even get me started on the mold! I refused, absolutely REFUSED to clean this bathroom. The bathroom sat dirty like that for a year. Then one day DH, in a very passive aggressive way decided to clean the bathroom. When he first started to clean it, he was making very clear hints to the room mate and SS, each one just ignored and continued to watch TV. Then DH started coming up to me and complaining about it. I didn't understand why he couldn't come right out and say "get your a**es in that bathroom and clean it up". At this point I had already begun my disengagement, so I keep my mouth closed. Well DH ended up cleaning the bathroom. No one helped him. Then after he was done guess who he ended up picking a fight with to get his anger out...yep you guessed it ME. Needless to say, I lost a whole lot of respect for DH that night. I have never known a man willing to clean up after another mans urine and other things.

It has almost been a month since I moved out. And I have say it's been wonderful! I do miss DH, but with each passing day, I have better clarity that the enabling with him and his sons will never change. And that is something I just can not live with.

sandye21's picture

It is SOOO good to hear you are doing well. You are right - every day gets better. (((HUGS)))