Vent about Cluster B
The last two weeks dealing with Cluster B has been frustrating to say the least.
But I am going to focus on a comment she made to DH while they were in the middle of a heated discussion which has been waiting to happen for a couple of weeks. A little back story to help you understand why the comment was made. SS10 was told by me to finish an assignment that was due the next day. This assignment really could have been worked on while with his Cluster B for the previous five days, but wasn't. He decided to not complete the assignment. So DH and I discussed what would be included in the message written in his school planner to his teacher. DH was unable to write the note, so I went ahead and did it. I said "Dear Mrs. _____, SS10 knowingly did not complete his assignment on time. He will be given consequences at home for his choice. He understands that he will also have consequences from you as a result of his choice. Thank you and please call us with any questions you may have."
The next morning, Cluster B had freaked out, as usual. Instead of calling DH with her feelings, she decided to call the teacher herself and plea for an extra day for him to get him homework in. He got his extra day. DH and myself just thought. Are you kidding? Where will he ever learn to be accountable for the choices he makes?
Cluster B has been making remarks in text messages to DH about how "I have plenty of things to say about ______ and what she does with MY SON". So in the discussion they had, DH brought the remark up. "What are all these things you think _______ does that are so terrible with SS10?"
Her response was ver betum "How dare she give MY SON consequences and write notes to his teacher BEATING him down like that."
So he then asked "Is there anything else?"
Her response to that was "Who does she think she is not looking me in the eye when I speak to her!" "She hardly even talks to me."
Those were the only two things she could come up with that I do that are sooooo bad. You're damn right I discipline SS10. I'm one of his parents. Maybe not bio, but I love and treat him just like all the rest of the kids. This lady is a control freak and as narcissistic as they come. Doing pickups or dropoffs, I am in and out. I have no desire to try and fill her need for attention. She has no desire to coparent SS10 and obviously doesn't respect me as his stepmom. So NO. I don't sit and chat it up with her so she can create some kind of drama out of it.
If you have to go through this as well, PLEASE share!
FYI: It's not just when I write in his planner, even DH has to deal with the repercussions of doing the same thing. Anything that is written by us, Cluster B HAS to write over it. I'm sure eventually his teachers will see the truth. We just try and ignore it. But Cluster B drags SS10 into everything even stupid things like getting his planner written in. So everyone suffers just because DH and I participate in giving SS10 the best education he can get.
^^This. Even before I
^^This. Even before I disengaged, although I would assist with homework and projects when asked, I never did any type of communication with the school or signing of papers. That’s their parent’s job.
If a stepPARENT isn't a
If a stepPARENT isn't a parent, what are they?
yeah, there are "class
yeah, there are "class parents" at my BD's school...doesn't mean they are actually a parent...lol
A grandparent is absolutely a
A grandparent is absolutely a parent. He or she is the parent of the parent. And a Godparent is chosen by t he parents as a person to help guide their child on their spiritual journey, Much like a parent does. What is your problem with recognizing the stepPARENT for their role in a child's life? Good or bad, they will have a significant role and impact. If someone can't handle that, they should probably work a little bit harder at making their marriage work.
Agree with Echo on this
Agree with Echo on this one...as a BM myself, I have had an issue with the SM sticking her nose in school stuff for my girls....not her place...it should be their dads' place....my DH doesn't dare step in with school issue with my girls...he let's me handle it, as it should be...SM isn't my girls' "parent"...she is an added adult in their life...period...end of story....if pretty sure my girls came out of my vagina, not hers....just sayin'.....
If giving birth is what makes
If giving birth is what makes someone a parent in your opinion, then you are discounting all of the adoptive parents in the world.
I think your Cluster B must
I think your Cluster B must be related to my X-Cluster B, lol.
BTDT and IT never ends. There is no work around when dealing with a true Cluster B. Instead of attempting to 'co-parent' with a Cluster B, you should be researching 'parallel parenting' and see if that helps a bit more. It did in my situation. Perhaps if you decide to take the parallel parenting path, you can share this with SK's teachers, doctors, etc. Believe me, THEY know what it's like dealing with high conflict personalities.
I got nothin' else.... except my sincere wishes that your situation improves for you.
I just have to say that
I just have to say that Cluster B is probably one of the best nicknames I've read on here! It would fit soooooo many of our Bms and exes. }:)
"You cannot treat them as a
"You cannot treat them as a rational person, you can't hope to say something to touch on their emotions hoping to get your point across, you can only deal with their actions/behavior."
Amen!
I see you're dressed up like
I see you're dressed up like a BM for Halloween tonight, LMAO. }:)
Perhaps you could find some new words to tell us all how you really feel, instead of the standard... "SM needs to back off." It is Halloween afterall, a little effort please. No treats for you. ROFLMAO. }:)
You know this is pretty
You know this is pretty funny...
"I have always stayed out and
"I have always stayed out and aloof. BM leaves me alone, in fact, I think she's intimidated by me because she gets nothing from me EVER."
Yeah, they have no use for you when they can't extract any form of supply. Although, there were a few times when I engaged the BM just to watch the sparks fly out of her a$$, Solely for my own amusement though. Never relating to the SK's. They really hate it when you hold up that proverbial mirror and they are forced to look at themselves and all their own flaws. }:)
Yeah, any attention, good or
Yeah, any attention, good or bad keeps her tank full.
Let me clear this up: I am
Let me clear this up: I am NOT claiming that I am his MOTHER or that I have legal rights of any kind. DH and I are on the same page as to how the kids are disciplined, so there is rarely any need to seek permission to give consequences. We don't play that game of, you're just the SM, SD or SK. In our house, you respect your elders, period. Anyway, I did post that big vent, so reply as you wish. You're entitled to what you think, so we can agree to disagree if need be.
Definitely in a similar
Definitely in a similar situation. I got reamed out for showing up to a Halloween parade 2 years ago, when I was already there for my own kids, and was unaware BM was even there. Another time I dropped SS off to school, and he asked me to write a note about his ear hurting, it was last minute, and I requested teacher to follow up with his mom or dad...."overstepping my bounds" there as well.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in these things with skids. The problem is the poison it causes in your own home. I have said my peace with DH... It's quite possible these kids are going to grow up just as messed up as cluster B. We have them in therapy. We've fought for custody spending tens of thousands of dollars, and the only thing it's gotten us was bitter, almost maxed out credit card on lawyers, requiring anti-anxieties to cope with how much skids resent being around because of the mental poison they get from cluster B.
My advice? Stay out of it. DH should not have you in the position of taking any parental authority over your skids. Your job is to be like the favorite aunt.... be the cool one, that all they have to do is love. Sure handle every day interactions in your own home to a reasonable extent...but as far as health, religion and education, you are out of it. You can support DH when he's frustrated with cluster b. Your involvement is only going to stress you to the point where you can't support him, because you'll be needing support yourself. Don't drink this kool-aid, just steer clear. Even if it means skids turn into total assholes, your job is making sure your marriage is stable. Raise your kids how you see fit, and let him and cluster b raise theirs how they see fit.
In the meantime, I gave DH some wonderful advice as to how to get along...the same way XH and I did...we pretended to get along, and after long enough, it started to take hold. It's actually working, and BM/DH issues have been going on 3 years. How well are they working? For the first time in 3 years, I was able to call BM and ask if she wanted my son's hand-me-downs for her new baby, and she accepted. DH and BM are now on speaking terms, and it's an extreme relief. Things are calmer, and while skids still exhibit extreme behaviors from time to time, I know they are implicitly not caused by me, which helps me support DH to deal with it.
Good luck!
It sounds like you're a good
It sounds like you're a good person in this boys life. Consider self what you df eel is right, everyone else just has opinions... The main thing is to know she will not stop causing drama so you will need to read a lit on subject- npd/golden urterus etc... It's better all around if hubby writes the notes, talks to the teachers , etc. bc that's the right thing for him to do as a divorced dad. My dh is very involved - to the point where it intimidates the ex and my DH travels A LOT for work. But he makes the time to be visible to teachers, dr, dentist etc bc of narcissistic ex lies/neglectful ways & controlling ways! Google golden uterus, on shrink4men. It's sounds like you are dealing with a narcissistic Golden uterus and you will soon learn that it is soooo much better to not say anything back to her at all, let hubby do all the relationship building (except when he is not physically there) she will lie, trash your name, etc etc but you will be soooo much better off to stay quiet - esp if you hope to go for full custody. Consider everything's oh write as if a judge WILL read it. Whew. We have a long road ahead of us huh!