Hurt

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Ok, for those who have read my posts you know I am disengaged from my SD19 since August with disengaging starting last June. Anyways for some reason things still hurt me. I am still dealing with anger, pain and hurt. I must admit its getting better each day but something triggered me today.

I know I should not have done this but I facebook snooped using my parents account (parents don't care if I do this as its my only way of knowing SD is alive).

SD is pregnant and due in January. What triggered my hurt today was seeing how big she is getting in the belly and knowing I have no relationship with her which means no relationship to that baby.

I was the one who threw all her birthday parties, took her trick or treating, took care of all her basic needs (DH paid but I was the one who was home more, we had both SDs darn near full time), I was the one she came to for all her girl talks, the one who took her shopping...ok you get the picture, I was the main Mama and in fact, I was the one her school knew as being main parent with DH. From 7 to 15 she was a sweet girl. One I considered my own. I loved her so much, she was there through both my pregnancies with her half sisters and even the god mother to one of them. So anyways drugs and a nasty boyfriend took her from us from 15 until now. He is the father of this baby and I will never like him. He has helped her and taught her how to damage our family so bad.

Anyways just hurt over seeing the pictures yet its so confusing because I don't want her back at this point. To me, she has to earn her way back and obviously doesn't care to as she has NEVER called even her father to say "Hey dad, I am having a girl and she is due on such and such date" or anything. She says nothing to us. Its like she forgot who we were to her, that we were the loving parents who raised her and I took care of her through all the bad times with her BM who hardly wanted the kids around and spent time in jail and now BM is the only parent she talks to and even has as part of her life with baby in belly. It just pisses me off yet at the same time it hurts me so bad and the longer she goes without caring the less I love her and the more I hate her.

I wonder how she is doing, how the baby is, is she off the drugs during it (she does appear healthy in the picture so maybe she is off drugs but she still hangs with the same crowd and is around the drugs so I don't know) Her BF wont let her talk to us I am sure but she has made her own decisions too and I cant completely blame just him as she decided this life and has bluntly told us she also wants nothing to do with us.

Why does my heart hurt? Will it go away? Why did she stop loving me? I was once her hero. She actually cried happy tears at our wedding (she was flower girl) and I had to leave lighting the candles to just go and hug her. I didn't just marry her dad, I fell in love with that little girl who desperately needed a Mama at that time. Now that she is adult of course her Mom is now in her life. Its like she forgot me. She even told me in a fight how I was too inexperienced to be a mom at 24 when I met her and her dad. I think I was by far a way better mom then BM was. That kid used to call me crying from BMs to come and get her because she missed DH and I and hated being at her moms.

I could go on forever. I am done ranting now.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Everything you said makes sense. Thank you. I guess I didn't start appreciating my parents until I was 25 years old and had an already made family to help take care of. I just think it would be easier if she wasn't pregnant, not that I don't want this baby. I just always thought that when or if she got pregnant I would be a part of it. There have been so many hurtful down right mean things said to me by her and her boyfriend even when I am just trying to help her. I bought her a ton of maternity clothing and called to tell her and I got my ass chewed by her and her boyfriend saying they want nothing from me or DH and to leave them the hell alone. There are so many things that have been said that I would have never even said to my own parents and trust me, my parents and I never saw eye to eye when I was a teen. I feel like it will take an apology along with showing me that she wont hurt me like that again or DH. I am on medication for debilitating anxiety and panic and have never in my life needed pills to help calm me. I struggle daily and its all because of having an illness two years ago combined with the massive stress of trying to save her. She was at her worst during that time, I feared she would die from the drugs she was into. I don't know, I hope someday she gets out of this mess. However the reality, she is with a guy who has a long family history of this type of behavior, a long criminal record and as long as she is with him, I don't see her changing. He is a piece of work. I also feel sorry for her because she has a part of him with her always now so he will always be part of her life. Ok more ranting sorry! Smile

Bojangles's picture

This is great advice. And so true. I have never fallen out with my parents but I took them for granted between 18 and 25 because other stuff in my life was the priority. They say that the human brain doesn't stop developing until 25, that's when real maturity arrives. Having my own children brought about a depth of appreciation for my parents which has only continued to deepen. SD may yet come to her senses. If she doesn't then OP you will still have your own grandchildren one day and you will know that you gave your very best to SD and have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

She doesn't speak to us because we refused to accept the drug use, her abusive boyfriend and kept pushing her to get help and we got tired of nothing but drama with her, she would call and you never knew what her mood was going to be, happy, sad, out right rage at us to begging for money because she refuses to work, still doesn't have a job at 19 and hasn't ever had a job. She worked for one month once but apparently work was not her thing. She told me the last time we talked that if I wasn't in her dads life then her mom and her dad would still be together...ummmm her mom left her dad for another man and it wasn't the first time she did this. We started dated after BM moved out and was long gone living with her boyfriend.

dadsnewwife's picture

I am so sorry for your heartbreak. It's so unfortunate that children grow up and change into people we don't even know. I have been disengaged from my OWN DD26 since January as she was doing things continually to hurt me stating, "You chose dh over your own children and I will never forgive that." I could go on, but apparently we just are not meant to have a relationship at this time (although I did contact her 3 times since and she has basically told me she doesn't see us having a relationship any time soon). I have accepted that and until I'm sure she wouldn't continue to hurt me as she did before, I am more at peace with my life without her in it. Does it make me sad? Of course, but I don't dwell on it. At this point, she just needs to mature and figure out how to forgive her mother for those things she feels I did that hurt her.

I totally understand the pain you feel of not getting to see her through her pregnancy and possibly not having a relationship with your step-grandbaby. That WOULD hurt. I really have no advice other than to accept what IS and know that time changes everything...at some point.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I feel so bad for you! I have a hard enough time with my step daughter disengaged from me I couldn't imagine the hurt you had with it being your own child. Its so hard. I do have more days now though as time goes on that I feel fine about it and am thankful I don't have to deal with the drama all the time. I think I am getting to the point where I am wondering if I will forgive her. I forgave myself finally because I realize that this is not my fault and that was hard enough for me to do. I do believe that God takes people out of a persons life for reasons and he puts others in our lives for reasons so I can only think this is part of the plan. I don't know. We had to move 3 ours away a little over a year ago and I never thought we would ever move but we had to for a job change and after the hell I have been through in just this past year, I now see why I had to move and like to think God had a plan in it or I know if I was still up in the area where she is living her and her boyfriend would be at our house constantly and probably living with us causing even more damage to DH, myself and our two little girls who have already seen enough. Ugh my 8 year old and I went to visit her once because she gave me so much hell about not ever coming to see her place and when I did there was a friend of hers who was snorting a line of something, I left immediately. Told her I would never visit one of her places again until I know she is off drugs and is not around people who are doing them. I felt like a horrible parent for taking my child there but I had no clue that would happen as she had me convinced she was away from drugs and her place was safe, even sending me pictures over facebook of how nice and safe her place was for her little sisters to come with me. I don't know, so much damage has been done and I hope one day I feel better about this disengaging stuff. Thank you for your response.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

notasm: You sound so much like DH I had to laugh through the hurt. DH always tells me that little girl is dead and gone and she isn't coming back anytime soon and to let her go like he did.

Dh also says that she has her moms defective genes! DH says that SD has turned out a lot like her mother was in her younger days.

Yes I need to not peek into her life anymore. I have two biological daughters and an older SD that I get along with. I am sure I will have my own grandbabies someday from my own daughters that I will not have to share with BM and I cant wait...ok I can, I want my kids little for as long as they can be. Smile

thank you!