I am sometimes asked to drop my SS off at his Mother's and this has occured without event. Meanwhile my husband's second ex is petitioning the courts to have me court ordered not to be in the car for drop offs.
My husband drives two hours each way and if I am exluded I miss out on 8 hours worth of family time every other week. In the court papers, she claims that I am "interfering" with the drop offs. Ex Wife is prone to calling the police if anything isn't done her way and making up allegations. She has threatened me, insulted me and gotten psychical with me. She has tried to get my husband arrested for being ten minutes late.
There were no facts provided to substantiate the claims that I am interfering. I stay in the car. The only time there is conflict is when she walks over to my car and starts sticking her head inside our car.
The lawyer says she has no right to say who rides in the car with my husband. My husband wants to fight this issue out in court. Part of the concern is that; Today it's the car I can't be in. What will it be next time? My home? Where does it end?
Everyone has a different opinion on how I should handle this and I am really getting fed up. I am the step-mother to those children. If I am good enough to cook and clean and drive them around, I feel I should be good enough to ride in the car that, incidently, I paid for.
// Susanna
I would do as I pleased
Unless you are ordered by the court or restraining order I would go along. BM is just trying to control things and I wouldn't allow it if I were you. You give into her on this and she'll have the upper hand and continue to do this with other things in the future.
I would go along for the ride, stay in the car and completely ignore her. Focus on family and pretend like she isn't even there. If she talks--I wouldn't bother to answer as she may just try to pull you into an arguement. If anything needs saying let your Husband do the talking.
Who do these women think they are?
Who do these women think
Who do these women think they are? We are the ones that gave birth and raised those children that you now get the privilage to mother when that help was not asked for. I understand that every situation is different, but again, i did not ask you to cook clean or do anything for my children, so please do not come back that you are entitled to anything from me. You want acknowledgement, go to the childrens father. It is his place not yours.
Well,
just because a woman gives birth, it doesn't mean that she is a wonderful mother and is doing a great job of raising her children.
Maybe the help isn't asked for because maybe it is court ordered that the father has residential custody of the children because of things mother isn't doing for their children.
A good step parent is only helping/doing the cooking and the cleaning to benefit the CHILDREN!
Dawn
Privilage to mother some other womans children.
That's very interesting point of view. I sense some real hostility here too. Are you a BM & a SM or one or the other?
Yes, BM gave birth to that child but the ex husband helped create & raise that child in most cases up to the point that the marriage terminated. Yes there are many men that are dead beat dads & many women that are unfit mothers. In my case my DH is a devoted dad & BM is a very devoted mother as well. They just are not good together.
So here's the deal I don't think that my BM or other BMs would appreciate it if their exhusbands wives or GFs ignored their children when they were at their house, let them go hungry and wear filthy clothes. My DH cooked & cleaned & did his childrens laundry before I married him, but we are a team now. Lets face it, I am a better cook than DH, I prefer a cleaner house and wake up earlier on Saturday & Sunday than he. If I told those kids they needed to wait & eat when daddy got up or better yet ate infront of them I would be a real bitch... someone totally selfish and that is not me or the other woman who have gathered here to support each other. Dragging my exhausted DH out of bed to feed them when I am up is selfish as well.
My DH does appreciate everything I do out of love for him & his children. So do the kids..as much as little boys do. I know my BM rarely says thank you for the things I do, or the fact I know she is their mother & I am the stepmother..but some things are unspoken.
People in general rarely point out the good & tend to point out the negative.
You may not have asked your childrens stepmother to care for your children & help your ex keep them happy & safe while they are away from you, but be glad that there is someone who does that for them because your children are not a privlidge but a gift for both parents and for the other people in their lives who love & care for them.
Do we all really feel this way?
That step parents are a gift. Ugghhh... Kids don't ask for the gift of a step parent...they ask for parents who both love them. I don't believe that I am a gift in the life of my sks or that my husband couldn't have cared for them just as well on his own. Yes....we all have to get on with our lives when a marriage fails but let's not be too self righteous about how much we love our sks and that biomoms should be thankful to the stepmoms. Please....I don't expect my husband's ex to be grateful to me. I am tolerant because of the feelings that I have for my spouse and I hear a lot of tolerance in a lot of posts. That is normal but most of us hardly warrant badges of honour or any such thing. If it weren't for the men that we are with, how many of us would have chosen to have sks?!
Get over it
Well if you were any ounce of a good person you would be grateful that someone that did not give birth to your child is taking the time to do these things for your child. It is one thing to cook/clean and care for your own children but when the child isn't yours and you take care of them as if they were,that says a lot. I never get how bitter ex wives aren't just happy that their exes are with women that just adore their kids. Instead they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves and insecure. They should be thanking god that their children have it so good because it could be worse. I'm sure you didn't ask for us to do these things but what do you think happens on our weekends? Would you rather us not lift a finger to care for your children? Would you rather us just ignore them? I'm sure if that happened you would be on the phone bitching and complaining about unfair treatment. Just shut up and go find a bitter ex wife forum because we don't want to hear it!
You're obviously not a sm.
I especially like the line "you are not entitled to anything from me". I don't see anyone here asking bms for anything other than to be left the F*CK alone. And THAT I believe we ARE entitled to. And thank you for reminding me of how privileged I am to be raising your child. I often forget that when I'm doing everything for him and he is wishing I was dead. I feel so privileged. Everytime the phone rings and it's you on the line wanting my man to come over and fix something that you've broken at your house. And I loved it when you called to tell me when I need to send all my kids to bed... yes, the privilegeness (I think I made that word up) is overflowing in me now. Thank you anonymous poster.
I am a little taken back by your post.
I am not only a step mom but also a BM. I am elated to have another woman in my childrens life with there father. She is good to my kids and I include her in every way. And even if I did not ask for her I am divorced and cannot expect my ex to stay single forever. So just because we gave birth to our children does not mean that we get to dictate everything in there lives. Our choldren with whom we give birth to never forget there mom's.
Maybe in your case you did not want your divorce? I am not sure but instead of looking at it the way you do think of her as a bonus. In all actuality that is what she is.
Also try to reverse the roll here. What if you were the SM and the ex said exactly what you said up there. How would you feel. I have to tell you that I think its very selfish of any of us on here to say "these are my kids and I don't want this". Our children are gifts from GOD and whether any of us like it or not he can take them from us at any given time. Our job while we are here and they are here is to take care of them and teach them about life. Not be selfish with them. They need to learn how to love unconditionally and not have to divide homes in the sense that they cannot come to my home and speak freely of there fathers GF, or go to his home and speak freely of me and my husband there SD..
I think you should really think about what I am saying. IN THE PERFECT WORLD WE WOULD ALL STILL BE MARRIED TO THE FATHER/MOTHER OF OUR CHILDREN BUT NOW DAYS ITS NOT LIKE THAT. AND WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER FOR THESE CHILDREN. ITS NOT EASY I REALISE BUT HAVE FAITH IN YOUR KIDS AND THEM KNOWING WHO THERE BIO PARENTS ARE.
What is it that makes it easier for us to accept..
Our ex's new wife who becomes the step partent, but we have a harder time accepting our husband's ex, who is the parent? Is that partially our perspective, our insecurities, etc? It just seems to be a huge paradox. Is it because we are done with our exs and feel protective of our relationships with current spouses?
Because we no longer love our ex.....?
I don't care about my exhusband's wife because I don't really care about my exhusband? And I would care about my current husbands ex because she was there before me? I dunno, just talkin' out of my ass again....as usual!
A-freakin'-men!
"I am not only a step mom but also a BM. I am elated to have another woman in my childrens life with there father. She is good to my kids and I include her in every way."
My lords I wish all biological mothers felt this way. I don't have children of my own but my boyfriend has two and their mother hates me even though she hasn't even taken the time to meet or speak to me. While I don't expect the two of us to be friends, I do expect us to be able to be cordial.
If I did have kids and their father had a new woman in his life, as long as she was a good woman, I would be thrilled to have another person looking out the the well-being of my children! How can it be bad to have a bonus mom-like-figure (because I doubt that most women in a step-family are trying to replace a biological mother) who loves, cares for, respects and supports (either emotionally, financially or both) your children?
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I challenge you to ever become a stepmother. Let me assure you, we do not think we are your children's mother. We KNOW we are the stepmother. We aren't trying to take your place as their mother. We ARE your ex-husband's new wife and a part of your children's lives. I would LOVE it if people would realize you are only HURTING YOUR OWN CHILDREN by causing conflict involving the children. Don't kid yourself if you think your disdain for us doesn't affect them. You speak of us receiving a "privilage" of mothering your children? My guess is the majority of us accepted your children in order to be married to their father. If we are treating your children well, we are entitled to at the very least, your respect. You don't have to like us, but for the sake of your own children, keep your mouth shut, smile and pretend you are happy that your children's father is happy and that their SM is WILLING to help take care of them. As a SM and BM, I am ECSTATIC my daughter's SM likes her, treats her well, takes care of her and in return my daughter likes her. What a tragedy it would be for HER if that wasn't the case. GET YOUR MIND OFF YOURSELF AND FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS ON THE CHILDREN.
Woooo-Whoooo
My situation is that I turned down the first two marriage proposals even though I knew he and & I had a good thang go'in on. It was his X-situation that I wanted nothing to do with. She is miserable (her own doing) Silly me, after 5 yrs of dating it "seemed" that his kids and I could make it work, I finally said 'yes'. (I have three and went through the "wonderful" teen-aged yrs). I waaay know that I am a step mother and am reminded of it repeatedly. I am NOT a STEP-OTHER and remind them of it repeatedly. The BM has such insecurites, inflicts them on her kids and I have tried to undo her devastations. NOW??? I do not let DH & BM use me as their back-up. (full deal baby--- not the cafeteria plan) I take care of my own... DH & EX can do their own thing. My little ones notice the 'difference' of our parenting skills and I boldly state.. oh well, thats how DH handles it, I handle it differently for your own good--and look at your sister, she is 19 happy, self-sufficient, successful, and look at your steps ... which way do you want to go??? Even now my 11 & 13 yr old have way more self confidence than his 15 & 16 yr olds... that is why it is becoming easier for me to detach and hang onto my values. When and IF BM wants to coordinate efforts I am willing, if not her lose. The hard part is that their kids have such great potential that is wasted AND that is hard to watch. But I am not going to save theirs at the rick of mine own. Sorry for the blather, but it feels sooo good getting it out.
Wow! Finally someone took
Wow! Finally someone took the words right out of my mouth! You go girl!!!!! Thank you for standing up for not only the stepmom's who put their voluntary effort into children that aren't naturally theirs, but also for the CHILDREN who are being affected by jealous bio-mom's who can't accept another woman in her children's lives. Children learn respect from those who are their role models. Are your children really happy if you encourage them not to show affection or disrespect the person who is with them 24/7, which causes conflict in the home???? Mutual respect between bio-mom's and stepmom's is totally 100% crucial to your children's ultimate happiness. And, unless there is real "abuse" happening, please just sit back, enjoy your visits with your children, and send them back home to a happier home without conflict.
Thank you, This is so
Thank you, This is so true!!! I'm sorry but it really takes a dumb ass to do this because, just like hope 4 me said, let's be tha adults & think about our kids!!!! HELLO!!!! this makes me so mad!!!
AMEN!!!!my thoughts
AMEN!!!!my thoughts exactly....that's where the main problem is...people are not focusing on the welfare of th children
I guess I'll jump on the band wagon...
I agree with most of these women who are rebutting to your Anonymous post which I also realize you are responding to the previous post which lasts line is your first line... Who do these women think they are? Were you intending to be sarcastic? I think you can tell by the reception that it was not received well. I even realize that you probably aren't even 'checking' for responses.
It's pretty obvious to us that you are the mother... yet, somehow BM has to constantly remind us that we are not... Why is that? Is it because it's an automatic reactive response from an insecure BM? That in itself speaks volumes, since they are questioning their own roles, which reinforces their insecurity.
Yes, you are absolutely right. You did not ask me to cook and clean or do anything for your children- your ex did. He married me. I do not feel entitled to anything, nor do I feel privileged to 'mother' your children- but your ex did. He married me. What harm is there in letting someone else love them as much as you?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
-- Author unknown
Therein Lies the Problem
I do not feel entitled to anything, nor do I feel privileged to 'mother' your children- but your ex did.
Your above statement says it all!! Psycho BM's feel rejected by their X ; Hath no fury like a woman scorned--even at the expense of their own children. Ironically, it only confirms why they are divorced in the first place.
Not true...
Not all BM's are rejected by their ex's. Some biomoms get rid of their spouse because they are irresponsible, drinking, drug abusing, chronically unemployed, abusive, philandering, #$sholes...usually not all of the listed qualities in one individual but one or more of the above. So biomoms are not all scorned, many feel renewed, alive, energized...you may not be married to their ex...you would know if you were..they are officially known as ex-holes.
So no worries...not all women pine over their ex's. Perhaps if most of the biomoms did not have children with the DHs on this site, they wouldn't care whether he moved on or not. Finding out about the DH's dynamics with his ex and his kids are probably key pieces of info to know before getting into a relationship with a Dad! That is the lesson that I have learned over time.
Lessons Learned
I was referring to PSYCHO BM'S. Not all BMs are psycho. They are out there and this web site is a testimonial to that. I was very cautious about ex issues before I married--after 5 yrs of dating. Our problems began when we got married and DH was no longer BM's sherpa.
BTW I left mine for many of the same reasons you listed.. he was a psycho DH everytime I dated. The only time he was okay was when I was not in a relationship. He reared his ugly head when I remarried. So BDs can be just as guilty.
Green-eyed monsters are not limited to gender.
and some
and some bio dads get rid of their exs because of the same reason. And as for annonymous post- My skids did need me- their pos mother cared more about shooting up drugs then feeding them. I have been there blessing- i am the only mom they know and without me they wouldn't have any mom at all. so while no i did not give birth to them that does not make me any less their mommy to them and i raise them and support them because i love them and my dh - and if its wrong to love my skids as my own then i will be wrong in that case. i would think that a bio mom would appreciate that i treat them with respect and love them not be mad about it- and no not all bm are doing such a great job raising their kids with out us step moms- just look at all the posts here
*amen, Stamina*
* I could not have said it better myself.*
= )
~2 thumbs up & a twist~
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
J. D. Salinger
Hmmmm
I love your thoughts!! This is crazy!!! I will use a line that my pastor suggested to me today. In reference to the anonymous poster... I'm sorry you feel that way!!
I thought this was step talk,I am a bm and a sm.and i have none of those feelings. My oldest girls' sm is one of the best ppl i've ever met! I thank god for her all the time. I didn't ask for her but god gave her to me and my girls and we do thank him for her!! She always keeps my ex and i in check if we have a disagreement, she can speak frankly and i don't take offense and learn from it. Wish more ppl could find that!! ( this is only one section of my life though, there is an evil bm lurking just happens its not me)
WOW! That's bitter &
WOW! That's bitter & hostile. I'm a bio-mom & also a step-mom. I get along great with my ex & his girlfriend & my kids are doing fantastic! We help each other & cooperate. My husband's ex sounds just like you. Her kids are a wreck. She's a wreck. Everyone hates her. SHe's so bitter & hostile & think's she's the ruler of the universe. In other words a complete control freak. Get over yourself, get some help & be a good parent. Your attitude is horrendous. Realize that.
Same here
I get along great with my ex and my kids are doing fantastic. My bf's ex (the bm to sd) is a bitter, hostile person also and guess what her kids are a mess. I'm not sure why there are so many anonymous people on here today. I don't think people should be hiding their feelings. I gave my bf the web address and my user name and password and he read alot of things, in fact I think it really helped him understand where I was coming from.
Are you kidding me?
Anon, you really need to get get your head out of your A$$. Forgive me, but where the hell are you when YOUR kid is at MY house throwing up all over MY floors, taking the medicine I bought for him, wearing the clothes I bought for him, eating the food I cooked, hugging MY body, asking for MY advice, helping with his homework... Oh I could go on and on. DOn't come here preaching about how privillaged I am when in fact I am exhausted, worn out and just plain tired of dealing with the spoiled brat YOU have created.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I couldn't have said it better
It is so true, with the exception when the BM is milking your husband and your self for everything she can and when you finally have enough and tell her no more, the money tree has run dry you become the most ignorant person on earth. Not to mention the last 5 years you were working full time, cooking, cleaning, laundry and everything else skids were demanding from you. It is a crying shame that we SM's have to sit and put up with it. I was never the one that was out drunk every day so some one could take care of my kids. You know what is really bad I even taught the BM to cook and take care of the kids....quit my job to stay home with step son due to medical issues. I could go on and on. I think we should just start a list of what all of us step mom's do in place of the BM when they are in our houses. Hell BM was even arrested on the day before mothers day due to domestic violence with her live in boyfriend. I am not qualified to have any opinions but, guess who spent mothers day with her kids...I would really like to compare stories. I know I have got some winners my self...Now if we can just get the courts to see what step mom's can do for these children, instead of just being a pain in BM's assssss..Jess
Get over yourself
Why is it that the BM thinks she is the only one who can care for the children? You are right in the fact that we did not give birth to these children, however...we CHOOSE to take on a role for the sake of the BF and for the children because we actually care enough to do so. Why can't BM's be thankful that there are people who care and are NOT the stereotypical "wicked stepmothers"? We love our step children...we are not trying to usurp your role...we just want acknowledgement that we are doing what we feel is best and trying to love the children that you are trying to turn against us!!!!! Being able to bear a child does not automatically make you a great parent. Being a caring, loving, nurturing individual does that. That is all we are trying to be!
Selfish
You gotta love the self-entitled BM who thinks that just because she gave birth to someone it makes her the only one who could possibly care for them properly. Especially the ones who act like what you do is inconsequential. I would think that someone who truly loved her children would be grateful that a step-parent who didn't "give birth" to these children is willing to be a loving, supportive addition to the children's lives. Jealousy of a new step parent is really only harmful to the children. Unfortunately, in my experience, it is more about the BM's vendetta against the BF than it is about making sure the kids have a loving environment in both homes. Its very sad!
way 2 sak up.....
as my husband would say...... and hide behind an anonymous post. When you feel you can take off the mask and make a post like that to a bunch of parents that are hurting come on back. Try to bring a better attitude though, this is a learning sharing thing I thought. All I learned from you today is you are lost, so let me share something with you.....
Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44
So can everyone pray for the anonymous poster today? and maybe we wont see a post like that again
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