BM is clean for 2 months and trying to come back
BM has been pretty much MIA for 10 years on and off. She recently is clean for 2 months. Now she wants to jump full force into being a Mommy again. She has not job, no skills, no drivers Lic and lives 3,000 miles away. She calls our 15 year old non stop. Tries to mico-manage his school and health care. She doesn't even know his teachers, school counslor or Docs name. BM has never paid a dime in child suppport! She was arrested for getting high with a child from a previous marriage. That adult child now lives with us too to try to get his life straightened out. She has been allowed to cause so many problems over the years. Am I wrong for not wanting her to have any visitation? I half think she will start using drugs again and disappear.
I never thought about that.
I never thought about that. She seems to be obsessed with trying to reattach herself to both my step son and her son from a previous relationship who also lives with us. The older boy is an adult and keeps her at bay. The younger boy hasn't had history with her and doesn't quite know what to do. He hadn't seen her in 4 years until this week. She smoothered him. I am a bit upset my husband is allowing this. I don't know if it is guilt that his son and step son haven't had their mom or he doesn't know how to confront her. This is a women who hasn't sent a Christmas gift or BD gift in years. She only visited 4 years ago because her Dad made her.
Children almost always want
Children almost always want their parents around. Not having them around causes them to feel rejected, and being rejected by your own blood hurts.
You're probably angry because this "woman" is coming back and trying to take "your" job. If you've been raising and loving this boy as your own, recognize that what is right for you may not be right for him... and if she's clean, he should try to get to know her again.
If anything, he can learn that it wasn't "his fault" for her drug use and absence.
At 15 he is old enough to sit
At 15 he is old enough to sit down and discuss how he feels about it. Open up a dialogue and have his and give him techniques for dealing with her when/if she starts smothering. Follow the CO. Your DH should inform her that the court order stands until she changes it, which will require effort on her part. If she's serious and stays clean she will do the work and that's good for everyone. If not she will quickly vanish again and sadly you and his dad will be stuck picking up the pieces it's the sad aspect of drug abuse.
You can also look into counseling if he shows signs of needing it. He needs to know it is okay and completely understandable to be confused by her sudden interest.
Yes I do agree he should have
Yes I do agree he should have the right to get to know her. We have no idea where she is living. We do know she doesn't work. Her mom just flew them both out her to see both boys. Yes, it is "my job" as his step mother to deal with his school, medical issues, etc. I've been the only one doing this for 10 years and carry the health insurance on him. She has been MIA. Am I crazy for not wanting my step-son hurt when she starts using herion again and goes missing? Do I wish she was a great mom and totally involved in is life. Wouldn't that be fantastic for all of us? Her older adult son who lives with us has told my husband & I stories of how they lived with different men (two of which shot at them)and did drugs together. She has an arrest record and criminal history.
She would never have it together to go back to the court for any visitation. She isn't that high functioning. She can't even fly out to see the kids unless one of her 75+ year old parents come with her to pay and book the hotel room. She can't rent a car (no drivers lic).
I agree she should pay child support (it was set at $100 month) if she is serious. I don't think she will follow though.
Your first mistake is calling
Your first mistake is calling him OUR 15 yr old. I understand you have raised him but she is his biological mother and you have no legal rights unless you adopted him. Let your DH handle this with Biomom.
I agree 2 months is nothing but he is 15 and you do not know what a judge will say. I have a good friend who has the BM from hell and if a man had pulled half of what this woman has pulled he would be in jail not out and getting extra visitation DESPITE an RO. The judge kept saying he didn't want this BM near the kids and then kept giving her special visitations. It's crazy the way judges waffle and think.
Sorry but I don't think it is
Sorry but I don't think it is a "mistake" to say he is "ours" after 10 years. Yes, she is his mother and I am his step-mother. I make that very clear and have never asked that he call me Mom. She has no money, no car, no job and no place to live. Please everyone back way, way up and realize she isn't even asking for visitation at this point. We are in the drivers seat here. She is very low functioning at 2 months clean and lives thousands of miles away. The boy knows what her past is. Last year we sat down with his brother from a different father and openly discussed the issues that lead his brother to leave California and move across country to live with us. Again, the older brother is her child (not mine nor my husbands). We are helping him get back on his feet after living on the streets with her all these years. He isn't a bad kid, just needs a boost in the right direction. He is smart beyond his years for all the stuff he has seen.
My issue is her sudden smoothering interest in the boy. I appreciate she notices him for once. I would really appreciate it more if she focused on getting herself to a point where she could activly mother him (not just via telephone). When someone goes missing for 10 years it is hard to trust that they have the best intentions for the boy at heart. At 15 he doesn't seem to be caught up in her calls that much. She has been clean in the past (5 rehabs that we know of) only to go missing again for years at a time.
I agree. I call skiddos
I agree. I call skiddos "mine" all the time. We do have a hand in raising them, and cultivating them into the adults they will become, and for all intents and purposes you are a parent, implying your ss is "yours". Aside from that you have some really nice silver linings here: 1. He's 15. He's almost an adult, and should have some good input as to weather he wants a relationship with his BM. 2. An older, adult sibling. How does he feel about BM? Kids, especially teens face a lot of mixed feelings, and having someone in the same boat, but with an adult perspective can be a major asset. 3. BM lives super far away, and I totally agree staying clean 2 months is too early to tell if it will stick. My best advice? Support SS with what he'd like to do. I would put a very real spin on the situation, and say it's great your mom wants you and wants to be a part of your life, but she may fall off the wagon again. If she does, that's not something you need to deal with, because you deserve to have a good life, which you have with us. Other than that, sit back, enjoy a glass of merlot and start planning your empty nesting vaca with DH
Good luck!
Thanks for the perspective.
Thanks for the perspective. His older 1/2 brother left Cali and moved in with us to get far away from BM. That pretty much says it all. I will be let my SS take the lead but still watch over him to make sure she doesn't get him stirred up and "use" him for a crutch to stay clean. She has a long, long way to go. After 5+ rehab stints I don't honestly think it will last.