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Almost Step-son problems

loveandfitness's picture

A little background information first. My romance with my SO was a whirlwind. I was so in love that even though I knew he had a crazy ex, which should have been my first red flag, and a small son I fell head over heels, which resulted in pregnancy before I had a chance to meet anyone. I was away when I found out about the pregnancy so by the time I finally got to meet the future brother of my unborn child, I was already 4 months pregnant.

Fast forward to today...
I've been trying for 3 years (SS is now 8 and my son is 2) to make friends with this little boy to no avail. His mother has a baby two months after I did. Hes always comparing the two, saying his sister is better and smarter and prettier etc than my son. Even things like "older and bigger" which is impossible because she's two months behind him. the BM (who has left her current husband and returned several times) tells him that I am probably not permanent anyway, and he should just ignore me. Which he does brilliantly, it's usually like I don't exist however, If looks could kill I'd be riddled with bullet holes.
He doesn't listen or follow house rules saying things like "well my mom lets me" or "my mom would never make me do that", and he has extremely poor hygeine. He's a compulsive liar and a master manipulator. My SO's family ignore the bad behavior mostly or chalks it up to his age, but I know better. They want his stay to be pleasant because they don't get to see him often, which I understand, but he regards none of us as authority figures, particularly me.
When it comes to my own family, he is the rudest little boy. He smart-mouths the adults and steals from my young cousins. Stealing and lying has become a huge problem which I cannot tolerate however small the object or lie.
To top it off he is ALWAYS sick. His mother sends him to us with things like ringworm of the scalp, hand foot and mouth disease, chickenpox, flu, you name he's brought it to us. Half the time I have to leave and take my son elsewhere for fear of him catching whatever thing SS has brought. My SO has seen my SS behavior towards me and asks ME why I don't like HIM.
Most of all I'm afraid that his behavior will rub off on my toddler.
As much as I try I can't get through to this boy, who has been diagnosed ADHD and dyslexic and in my opinion probably has aspergers (sp?)
Not to mention the BM is a nightmare. And on down the road I'm afraid of the boys getting treated differently, as I have tried to take a backseat to the parenting of SS since I have been deemed the evil step-mother. My SO won't go on vacations without him (which means double vacations for him). He's expensive, boasts about things like double christmas presents... (we barely afford food when child support goes to new nose job for BM) ill behaved and altogther needs mental help.
I've tried making excuses for him, supporting him, giving gifts, talking... I've tried everything I can think of to connect with him, but I am tired of trying and honestly do not possess even the slightest of fond feelings for my SS Sad .
We aren't married ad I fear for my relationship with my SO. Sometimes I'm ready to throw my hands up andleave, but am afraid of that too.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

thinkthrice's picture

BINGO! But, good luck with that one. Chances are if he's gotten away with as much as he has up to this point, he has two enabling bioparents who pity their child (instead of love their child) and have zero expectations for him.

loveandfitness's picture

First, I knew I wasn't the only one out there who felt that way, but it's SO GOOD to actually hear it from someone else. People usually say things to the effect of "How could you not like him?! He's just a kid/your step-son/ your fiancees first born". Always feeling guilt ridden or like the designated evil stepmother really sucks.
You're right, the bond just isn't there and most likely can't be. It makes perfect sense.

Second, I totally feel for you on the gross factor. I'm not OCD but I think living with things like that is enough to make a person veer towards it, especially after food kisses! I think I'd start implementing mandatory face and hand washing immeadiately after meals and snacks

Myhubbyhashighconflictex's picture

you should start documenting all the illnesses, doesn't seem like he is even being taken care of- second you may want to consider counseling for the whole family. Family rules can be posted and consequneces for not following need posted too.... I know I sound like a nut but SuperNanny episodes helped me as a step mom, and believe me once dad learned the rules and didn't follow through, we TALKED about it when the kids weren't around... EVERYONE has to follow the rules. then you don't have to worry about the kiddos being treated differently. THe dad has to be on board or there's consequences for him too, THERE IS A NEW SHERRIF IN TOWN FOLKS!! Get on board or get out!