You are here

Why do adult skids need one-on-one bio-parent time (Step-parents excluded)?

Disillusioned's picture

BM is visiting with YSD this week. YSD has been excited and talking about this visit for awhile. Each weekend when H and I call her, YSD has brought up not only that BM was coming to visit but that BM's SO (YSD's SF) was coming out too but that he would be flying out on his own a few days later, to give YSD and BM some time alone together. H of course says how nice...but I'm a little confused by this situation

I get it more if your kids are young and maybe the step-parent introduced in their lives is difficult for them, then maybe one on one time with BM or BD is appropriate. But once skids are grown up, adults with SO's of their own, own their own homes etc... I'm not sure why the Step-parent needs to allow for special one on one time for the bio-parent

And I'm certainly not wondering this from the standpoint of someone raised in an intact home because I wasn't either. My parents divorced when I was in my teens and other than the initial introductory stages of my mother's relationship with her new SO who later became my SF, there were never any special considerations for one on one time with her for us

If we went away on vacation together, everything was done together, and the only one on one time anyone had was my mom and SF LOL might take off for a stroll after dinner or for a night cap and no kids/step-kids were included

When we all grew up and were living on our own, a phone call to the house meant you spoke with both parent and step-parent, same with visits to the house. Our SF never took off or wasn't a part of all of those calls and visits and none of us ever expected it either. Never even occurred to me or wanted that

So when I ask this question I'm not criticizing this situation with SF/YSD, I'm simply confused

To top it all off, when we phoned to talk with YSD yesterday evening (YSD insisted to H that we call no matter than BM was there) YSD says how her BF took a bunch of time off just like her, so they could spend it with BM :? That really confused me. I was sort of getting it when I thought SF is flying out later specifically to give YSD time with BM. But YSD's BF has been around the whole time. So, YSD, BM and YSD's BF all hang out together and have a great time while the only one excluded for some time is SF? Why?

If I were SF I would not be pleased about that. H feels there was nothing wrong with it. I'm just curious what everyone else's thoughts are on it

savemysanity's picture

I'm 40, grew up in an intact family, but still like alone time with my mom. She's my best friend and we enjoy "girl-time". I think no matter how old my children get, I'd still like some one-on-one time with them, too. But the BF being there? Maybe SF just couldn't swing as many days off from work as BM?

sonja's picture

As both a SM myself and a stepdaughter.. I see this both ways. I enjoy spending time with my mom and my own StepD gives us time to chat but I also do things with them both and enjoy his company as well. With my dad, my SM helps us create conversation but also gives us time to talk alone.

As a SM I think its important that SD6 have time by herself with DH but I also think its important that she not think shes going to get him to herself every time they see each other.

If we were to have to travel a longer distance (SD is 1hr away) I would not be traveling separate to give them separate time, that's silly, they can go to dinner or an activity by themselves.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with the ops and Sonja offered a good "middle ground."

My mom is my BFF. It's true. We go out for lunch/dinner sometimes. Same with my dad. We also have some of the same interests.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I am on the same page as you-but I am lucky, because DH does not insist on me coming with him when he sees his adult babies. They rarely see him now, because they definitely use their time to ask/beg/hint for money or something, and he no longer enables. He and I agreed long ago that we will not be handing them money. Or letting them move in. Because that is what they want. There is no way I am spending any time with them. They are horrible.

TASHA1983's picture

Exactly MarieJeanne!

I can't stand skid, so when dh has him I don't want to be around at all. BUT that would be the ONLY concern I would have about skid/dh time as adults, because skid blows off dh now and he's only 12, so if all of a sudden he came around and wanted more daddy time or to come around and have daddy time as an adult I would DEFINITELY see that as a red flag for skid WANTING something! No doubt about it...especially since he is a mini-bm who only cares about $$$$$$....

Anon2009's picture

"What gets my fur up, is when children and their father already spend time alone, and on top of that, the grown stepchildren intentionally request that the SM stay home."

That's how I feel too. I get that nobody wants to see their sm all.the.time., if even at all.

I know my DH likes to spend quality time with each SD. They like it too. I like it too (get more done around the house) and encourage it. They make plans together. No biggie. But I would be displeased if they did what your SDs did that time.

SugarSpice's picture

one sd visits dh for lunch breaks every week while he is at work and she has a holiday he buys her lunch

this is a woman in her mid twenties and married.

Rags's picture

I send my bride to spend time with her family sans me a few times a year over recent years. Before we accepted an Expat assignment she would go once a year. I go with her about once every 3-5 years.

I visit my parents without my wife about once every 3-5 years. It is nice to have just have time with mom and dad and my brother occasionally and my bride likes time with her clan so that the IL clan idiot decisions can be ignored which I can't do when I am with my bride.

Disillusioned's picture

I see what you're saying savemysanity, thanks for sharing Smile While I don't think it has to be necessarily a planned 'must see bio parent without step thing' I do agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting to spend some time alone with their parent...still don't get why SF couldn't be there when the BF was though, SF made a point of not coming with BM to give BM and SD alone time...

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks ladies, all of the above makes sense. I'm not someone who ever 'needed' alone time with my parents...but heck I didn't actually like my own mother very much LOL and preferred to talk to my step-dad instead|! But seriously, nothing at all wrong with wanting that. But if it's a demand made all the time, or something mean and nasty like what StepAside's skids did, no, that is not acceptable :jawdrop:

sandye21's picture

I have alone time with friends and relatives, no big deal. But, like SA wrote, when the SM is purposely excluded to MAKE her feel excluded, that's another story. I worked in a high school 5 years ago and saw this kind of this happen between students. They called it 'bullying'.

dadsnewwife's picture

I think it depends on the situation. Some stepkids LIKE their stepparents, others don't. Dh and I were 51 and 53 when we married with 7 adult children. He has 3 sons, I have 4 daughters. Of course I prefer to spend time alone with my DDs...we're girls! We go shopping, do lunch, get our nails done, etc...We do what GIRLS do! And, dh SHOULD just spend time with his sons alone...they're GUYS. It just makes sense. I know my ex's wife always goes with to visit my DDs when my ex goes, but she's a woman, so probably enjoys time with my DDs. I know I do. They have little in common with their father (who hasn't worked for 6 years and lives off his wife), so he doesn't even have a job to talk about. I'm sure he likes having his wife with him to help carry the conversation. I think that's why dh likes me with HIM when he's with his sons. But, I have nothing in common with them (they all have mental/substance abuse issues)whereas MY DDs are college graduates, have jobs, lives, etc...I MUCH prefer being with my own kids for obvious reasons. I just wish dh would quit pushing me to be around his kids. I've had to LIVE with 2 of his sons unfortunately (which put a strain on our marriage) but he's never had to live with mine.

Personally, I really value my time alone with my DDs since it's so rare and prefer it that way. Luckily, dh went alone to visit his son last weekend (8 hours away) and didn't even ask me to go along (thank GOD). This Sunday, he's going to visit his DS20 who's in rehab AGAIN (that's another long story) and I KNOW he won't invite me because he KNOWS how I feel about his son. It was nice having him gone last weekend(and SS20) as then my DD22 came to MY home and stayed with ME for the weekend instead of going to her father's house where she feels more comfortable. I absolutely LOVED having her with me. As one of my DDs said once...when we come to your house, Mom...HE'S always around (meaning dh). They prefer to be with me alone.

So, again...I think alot of it has to do with family dynamics. Of course I wish things were different and dh and I liked each other's kids, but that's just not the way it worked out. Luckily, we're older, so to us, our daily lives are about HIM and ME and NOT our kids.

sandye21's picture

I would have preferred that DH spend alone time with SD than spend 'alone time' in my presence. I can not count the times they enjoyed each others' company while I was totally oblivious to them - until it was time to pay for something. Just another reminder why I am glad SD is not in my life anymore.

Amber Miller's picture

I'm not sure how to answer this question. I love my parents and I visit with them but it's not a big scheduled phenomenon like it is with DH and his slut princess. My 2 SS will have lunch with DH maybe. 2-3 times a year. Prior to the step daughter demon telling DH she never wanted to see him again, daddy would take her to lunch every 4-6 weeks. He has to drive an hour to pick her up , 2 hours for her to stuff her face and another hour home. She has "problems" so DH feels as if he must coddle her. I think it was weird. The psychotic bitch is 30 years old. But DH would say he feels obligated to do this and it's really not fun because she is crazy and she says bizarre things that scare him. It's been so nice with her out of our life. She'd call when she knew we would be getting away for the weekend. One weekend she woke us up at. 6:30 am both Saturday and Sunday morning when we were vacationing out of town because little baby girl "needed someone to talk to". Pretty sick. My guilt ridden DH couldn't say no to her or not answer her call. Now it's different. The stupid bitch burned a bridge. Her father is done with her abuse (finally) and now sees what I've been trying to point out for the last 7 years. Thank God finally. In my case, I think she was testing daddy to see if he would pick her over me. Very sick, disturbing and childish! Typically I would assume that most parents like to visit with their adult children but in some situations like this it seems forced, controlling and weird. In my DH case, he was being guilted while being held captive by his adult wh@re. I hope she stays away forever. Meanwhile we both enjoy visiting with his adult sons.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I grew up in an intact family and I use to love going out with just my Mom. It was time that we could talk about all kinds of things that would bore my Father.

As for divorced family kids, even adults, I think they still problem, at least a lot of them, since they remember their parents going at each other during the divorce.

hippiegirl's picture

I know, disillusioned....step families have changed over the years. When I was a step kid, it was NOT about poor little me. The adults called the shots, and the kids dealt with it. Period. I didn't get "alone time" with my parents after they remarried and had new families. I think that is why it is so hard for me to be a SM in these times. Now, it's ALL about the skids' feelings. WTH?

Rags's picture

IMHO adult kids do not require alone time with mommy or daddy. If a SP is in the picture then the time is together with mom or dad and their spouse.

That said, if a situation does not allow for both spouses to be together then parent alone time with the kid is fine. In our case we live overseas and my bride takes a few trips a year home without me since my career does not allow me to take multiple month long vacations per year.

DW visits and I tend to meet her for a couple of weeks at a time. She gets her Skid and family alone time during those times. They are not specifically for alone time with the kid or family but that is how it works out in our situation.

If anyone asked for DW to visit specifically without me, or asked me to visit specifically without DW, then there would be no visit. PERIOD!!!

Marriage does not work that way IMHO. At least that is how our marriage works.

NotYetSM's picture

I come in from an intact family and I love to spend time with my parents alone. I get to talk about FDH and complain about kids situation and they get to tell me I am perfect, patient and wonderful! Who woudn't want that? Oh I don't call it alone time with mom and dad I just schedule it when he has something else to do. If FSD requested "alone time" I would find it odd but if she had plan when I was busy I wouldn't care. Maybe these kids should be smarter about how they present and the bios should be better about the way they present it to the steps.

Stepping sucks's picture

My Skids took my DH for a night away from home for Father's Day, but I was excluded! Yet my own daughter arranged to take the BOTH of us on a special day out for Father's Day! DH cannot see that his kid!s exclusion of me was bad mannered, which it think it was!

Stepping sucks's picture

Yes she is, I know I'm biased but she makes such efforts for my DH when it comes to gift giving, and arranging treats for him. She always finds a special Father's Day card for him...I don't even get acknowledgement from my stepson on Mother's Day!