Dreading Christmas already!!
I 'm engaged to be married, I have one bio daugther, 6 years old (she spends every other weekend with her dad and shares the holidays with him and us), and 2 teenage step-kids (fiancees) who we see every other weekend and share the holidays. It's super hard as the step-kids hate me and resent my daughter and i feel my daughter is now copying their attitude toward me. This is something i would never have anticipated. I now feel my DD has been through so much, split from her Dad at 2.5 years and being part of a blended family now for 2 years - i feel i need to protect her. She loves her step brother and sister but they ignore her and are mean to her. Their dad is not that big on communication and suffers guilt so won't ever confront them about their behaviour as he only sees them every other weekend. My problem is that we have my DD during the week and every other weekend which means i only get half the weekends per year with her and i want to make them count! i don't want those weekends spent with her being ignored by her step siblings. The age gap is so vast that it's impossible to entertain them all and the older ones just sit there miserable the whole time. I want my daughters child hood memories to be lovely with us and at the moment it's grim. I have decided to do separate things at the weekends. We have 2 homes, therefore i can organise sleepovers etc for DD friends at one of our homes while they can have teenage fun with their dad at the other house. We haven't argued about this but i want to check with people on here if they think that's ok??
Also Christmas. I think we will have to spend Christmas together but i'm dreading it as don't want my DD ignored and the teenagers ganging up and leaving her out. that's what they do :(. It's so sad as she loves them as they're the only siblings she has. She doesn't realise they are being so mean. I don't want her damaged by this forever assuming that is how people that love us behave...that it's ok to be left out and ignored? I think a few days over christmas will be ok and bearable but for the rest of the time, i will organise fun exciting stuff for her separately??
To be blunt, she's 6. They're
To be blunt, she's 6. They're teens. They don't want to hang out with little kids. And they shouldn't be forced to.
However, if they're being mean to her, yes, you and dh must absolutely do something about that.
You are right, they shouldn't
You are right, they shouldn't be forced to. My DF has been forcing us all to be together and it's impossible. I need to spend time with my 6 year old, making weekends fun for her. He needs to make weekends fun for the teenagers.
I don't think the teenagers
I don't think the teenagers intolerant attitude to your 6 year old is entirely surprising but it is a shame. As teenagers my stepdaughters did become imcreasingly focussed on themselves and their friends and interests, but i will say that they were mostly very kind with younger children and always made a little time to play with my DD. DD is their half sibling but i suspect they would have made the effort even if she werent their Dads child. If you were 6 months or a year into your new family situation I would probably say keep trying to create some degree of blending, but after 2 years things are unlikely to improve in terms of your stepchildrens attitudes and you should adapt your life accordingly.
One question I had was whether you could swap your alternating weekends with your ex so that you have DD one weekend and stepchildren the next. You could say this was at your ex's request, and in one fell swoop eliminate most of the overlap and tension between the children. Instead of struggling to entertain everyone or vacating the house with your daughter, you could focus on the teens on one weekend (or do your own thing for much of the time) and focus on your DD with age appropriate activities on the other weekend. Failing that then I would say that if you have the luxury of another house to go to then it would absolutely make sense to arrange some of DD's weekends there. Keep things pleasant but uninvolved with your stepchildren, you can participate occasionally in activities, maybe do a film night with them where they choose the movie, take them out for ice cream occasionally but otherwise focus on on you, DD and SO.
I think us spending time
I think us spending time doing age appropriate things separately is the way to go. I will have to do special occassions and be brave about that. I would swap weekends but my Fiancee and I actually love our child free weekends, bad I know. So I'd rather stick to the weekends as is and spend them apart. The rest of the time we couldn't be happier. This new plan will hopefully work as there's really no point forcing something that will never fit.
>>It's so sad as she loves
>>It's so sad as she loves them as they're the only siblings she has. <<
Sorry, but they are not her siblings and to have that expectation is a little unrealistic.
>>I don't want her damaged by this forever assuming that is how people that love us behave<<
See, that's the problem, they DON'T love her. But that's okay. Being mean to her is unacceptable, however, they don't have to love her either.
I think you need to lower your expectations for this blended family.
Yes, teenagers generally
Yes, teenagers generally don't want to be around little kids and will be unkind regardless of relationship. You do need to protect your daughter though. I remember the same situation myself as a kid, and on Christmas is was me my older step sibling who was 14 when I was six and all of her similarly aged cousins. I desperately wanted to play with them, and my mom discouraged it. She was correct. I remember they tried to get me in trouble, or made me the "butt" of jokes. My mom never said a word to them, she just removed me and kept me next to her. She made me a plate of snacks, pulled out a christmas book which we looked at and just relaxed with me. My sister and cousins broke both a bed and an expensive bottle of perfume, yes the good stuff, that day. I was so relieved not to be a part of that mess. The bad behavior continued, and all had their struggles. I was forever grateful to my mom for protecting me from all of it. Sometimes you can't make step kids like your child. My sister has never liked me and does not to this day, and she too tried to get me to be mean to my mom. We are both in our early/late 40s.
Just raise your girl. You don't need to give her close siblings/step siblings for her to be happy. As long as you love her and care for her that's all that really matters. I was grateful for my mom and her realization that my sister did not like me and her willingness to not force things. She never discouraged, but she also never put me in a bad situation either.