husband wants step kids to stay with us. .. HELP......
I have 2 step daughters 12 +14 yrs .....14 yr old is no trouble. The other one has alot of issues. The 2 of them are not getting on. The bio mom has had another 2 sons 5+7 years. I don't talk to her because of past issues. My husband said he would like his daughters to live with us.
First off we have a one bed apartment we would have to move. He works nights and sleeps all day so when they come now I end up baby sitting all the time. To be honest I don't want them to movein . .. I don't mind having them every other weekend but its s whole other ball game living here. I brought my own daughter up on my own she is at college now and doing well. I think my husband thinks I can fix her because I am good with them. I just feel I would be used because bio mom not dealing with her children's issues I really don't think it's my responsibility to iron out her children's problems. I told my dh this and he thinks I don't care. I am just fed up with all the complications and bring put on all the time. I think it would break us.
I have already started letting him get on with it. I go out and do me when they here...... be best But he just expects me to take them everywhere and do stuff with them and gets upset cause I leave them. I can be a step mom but I am not responsible for you and your children. That may sound selfish but I didn't sign up to bring up 2 teenagers.
I do enjoy having them but only every other weekend....... if I say no to this it gonna cause a lot of problems between us...... damned if you do damned if you don't ;(
Any advice guys.... I never done this step mom stuff before x x.
My SDs are 16 and 18 and they
My SDs are 16 and 18 and they have both requested (at different times) to live with me and DH during the last few years, because they were fighting so much with their mother. They are such difficult, high maintenance girls that I said a flat no - if you move them in here - I move out - that's it.
It sounds a better situation with your SDs but frankly it's a bit much to ask for you to have to move house so they can move in with you. Can you afford it? But the biggest issue here, as I see it, is that your DH expects YOU to do the parenting. That would be a deal breaker for me, and I would definitely say no, forget it. HE is the parent, not you, and you're not responsible for sorting his kids out.
Unless he is prepared to change his job, be around when they are, and do 99% of the parenting, tell him the present EOW arrangement has to stand.
Posted twice
Posted twice
Hi..I've had a similar
Hi..I've had a similar situation arise w my teen SD recently--or should I say over the past year. SD thinks it would be cool to live w us in a larger city--however we barely have space for us and the one child we have, and plus my DH works long hours-so as you know the wife ends up doing most if not all of the parenting-and she is not the easiest teen and has issues that come with it. I told my hubby (who thinks this could work !) that if he really wanted it to happen there would be conditions which include us spending more money and moving to a larger home etc. all for just a few years of school w SD! he doesn;t want to do that and she wants us to stay where we are if she moves in (fat chance). I am very opposed to this and I think my DH deep down knows it would be a bad idea. My SD has issues w her Mom who is strict etc. so that;s one of the reasons she would like to move also--bc she thinks it would just be Disneyland living here--which would not be the case!! If there are no major issues at the BM's house ie;abuse, drugs , illness-then I think the SKIDs place is with their Mom until they go off to college-I would stand my ground--you can;t be 'forced' into this. Good Luck! oh and the update is that SD was told by DH that she cannot move in due to various issues-so she should stop bugging him about it...
Thanks guys. ..... I did say
Thanks guys. ..... I did say last week that if he wanted them to come then he could need to go to court and get full custody and the IBM would have to start paying child support to him.... I feel like screaming today these kids are up all night and sleep all day.. ... he thinks its ok. .... I think they are undisciplined lazy and need a boot where the sun don't shine.... not my idea of bringing kids up.... and they hardly talk. .... I miss my own daughter we had so much fun and we had an open honest relationship. ... I feel so disconnected from these 2 girls it feels alien.. .. x x
I would be a broken record.
I would be a broken record. I found this worked really good with my exH. I would just repeat the same thing over and over. Amazingly, after repeating myself several times he would get it.
In your case I would just keep saying:
"This is not what I want and I do NOT agree with this. We don't have enough room for them and I do NOT want to move. I raised my daughter and I am done taking care of kids. I did NOT sign up to raise your daughters."
And do not let him make you feel guilty because you don't want to raise his kids for him.
Here are some questions to ask him:
If you got a dog would he be expected to take care of it for you? Or if you bought a car would he automatically assume he was to start making the payments?
Maybe he would say yes, but hopefully those questions will get him to thinking.
How does the BM feel about
How does the BM feel about this? IS SHE REALLY WILLING TO GIVE UP SUPPORT AND IN TURN START PAYING IT?! In my case I knew BM would never let this happen so I just always made it seem to my DH I would be perfectly fine with it. Now if BM is willing to do this you need to have a serious conversation. You didn't choose to be a full time step but you did marry a man with children from another woman. For better or worse right?
If you say yes it will cause
If you say yes it will cause more problems. I'm living this reality. A child that moves because they can't get along with one parent is a problem.
I only wish I had seen it
I only wish I had seen it clearly before I let her into my home. I love my husband but I'm quickly beginning to dislike him. MIL sat and talked to us when this came about and told us it would be great if we could help her but when it's all over we still need to like each other. She actually recommended DH allow daughter to go into foster care rather than live with us. I thought she was cold but now I get it.
Just state the facts. THESE
Just state the facts. THESE ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN. period dot. YOU ARE NOT THEIR PARENT. period. dot
He can't just randomly assign parenthood to another person because he doesn't want to be bothered parenting his kids.
The skids have two parents. You are not one of them.
This has nothing to do with liking them or loving them. They are NOT your children and never will be. For your DH to want to play this fantasy game that you are the parent and he gets to just be the "friendly uncle" who sees them socially.
You are not their parent and you do not choose to be their nanny. You will take them places if and only if you feel like it. It is not your job to entertain them. Both are old enough not to need babysitter care.
Just keep repeating to him "These are not my children."
I'm still curious what the BM
I'm still curious what the BM is saying about all this. I don't know if you have a real fight with your DH until you know this. I agree with wickedsm123 it's a trap!