Wow. Things just keep getting worse and worse. BM called my fiance today at 4:00 to cancel their weekly Daddy & Daughter dinner (so what else is new?) and demanded to instead meet privately in person to discuss "some issues" because SD had had "a bad night" last night. My fiance insisted that if she needed to discuss something to please do it in writing. She threw her usual tantrum when she saw she wasn't getting her way, but he stuck to his guns and repeated that she should send him an email.
An hour later SD called my fiance in tears begging him to meet BM. (Typical BM behavior, using her kid as a pawn when my fiance won't do what she wants. This happens on a weekly basis.) He finally caved, but he told SD he would do it on one condition: if she would promise not to get involved and allow herself to be put in the middle of these disputes anymore. He told her he didn't want her to worry and stress about adult things and that all the emotional distress was too much for her to have to handle so it needed to stop.
So my fiance goes out there to meet BM and she brings her tape recorder, which is laughable because every time we have tried to record a phone call or a meeting, she screams and shouts "YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO RECORD THIS CONVERSATION!!! TURN IT OFF! THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER! etc." because she doesn't want to have any record of her lies for future reference. Anyway, she sits down and lists all the things that SD would like for them to discuss in her upcoming schedule and then decides to finally drop the bomb.
She said that SD tried to commit suicide last night by jumping out her 4th floor window.
HELLO?! Wouldn't you lead off with that information? Better yet, wouldn't you call the father of your child and share this information the moment after it happened instead of waiting 24 hours?!
I am just sick with worry. My fiance is staying with friends over in that area because there are no more buses to our town for the night and I'm here at the house with our daughter asleep in her room. I'll just keep blogging as I get more information because I need to unload this somewhere!
Poor SD!
Ok, so apparently last night BM got SD into a state over her homework due the next day that hadn't been completed over her 10-day vacation and over the fact that she put the "wrong water" into the fish bowl. I don't even know what that means, but they fought about it. Violently. SD actually hit and bit BM during this fight. This is not the SD that I know! She is sweet and gentle and loving. I've never known her to act like this!
I don't know what was going on in that apartment to get her to that level of insanity but I have a feeling that BM is in one of her manic episodes. When she's manic she often works SD into a terrible state, doing crazy things and staying up way to late and stressing her out and usually what happens is SD ends up calling her dad in hysterics and he brings her back down within 5-10 minutes on the phone. That didn't happen this time. This time, SD went to the window and tried to take the screen off, screaming "I'm going insane! I want to die!" I'm crying just thinking about how awful this must have been for her.
This morning, BM sent SD off to school without a word about the antics of last night. At lunch, SD went to the guidance counselor (THANK GOD) and told her everything and skipped all her afternoon classes to cry on the couch in her office. The counselor called BM to tell her, but guess what? No call to the father! Why the hell not is what I'd like to know! They call the insane parent who is bringing on the child's suicide attempts but not the healthy parent who can provide a safe haven! Dear God!
BM or SD was calling my fiance from their home phone when he was on the phone with me telling me all this, so he had to hang up and see what they wanted. I am so glad I can just sit and write all this down because otherwise I would drive myself crazy sitting here waiting for more news and wondering if SD is ok.
We HAVE GOT to get her out of this sick and damaging situation with BM. I think she is going off the deep end. And by "she" I mean BM, but also unfortunately SD...
That is soooo awful for SD
My heart is literary racing as I read Caitlin's blog. It makes me so furious to read about such a small child going through such trauma and still the BM cannot comprehend that I guess given her mental state. The court knew about SD's BM mental problems but still went ahead and gave her custody. And that is what the court calls 'in the best interest of the child.' I know it is so mean to say this, but it has come to a point where I feel the only way this judges will truly act in the best interest of such children is when they personally experience such a situation then they will become sensitive. Is it far fetched to think of suing a judge who knowingly gives primary custody to an unstable parent and then something bad happens to the child? I have never heard of that happening. Just my own thought because these judges feel they are untouchable and can get away with messing children's lives. Caitlin, i will say a prayer for your SD, your man and your self. I wish you all the best when you go to court to get full custody. I pray that the judge will be wise enough to see the little girl's cries of help and do what is right as a judge. Its not an easy situation to deal with especially with you being pregnant. We are all here for you my dear. Vent as much as you can to stay sane. I will be looking out frequently for an update and I'm hoping for some positive news.
That is awful!
Oh my goodness, that poor child! Just reading what I have seen you write about her, she sounds like such a sweet child! Her psycho mom is driving the poor girl crazy! So what is the next step going to be...to help her I mean?
She IS a sweet child!
I've always been so amazed at how well she copes with her bipolar mother... I guess it's all coming to a head now. I think she's done coping.
SD's therapist recommended against going to Child Protective Services because she said it is likely that SD will just defend her mother and lie because she's so fiercely protective of her. She says we need to go to court and fight for custody. Pronto.
My fiance is on his way over there
So it was BM who called earlier, but SD kept getting on the other line to say things like "I'm going crazy! I'm mad! If you care about me at all, Daddy, you'll get your ass over here!" BM refused to let him come over; in fact, she bars him from even entering the lobby of her building, putting up the front that he's "dangerous" and "abusive" so he can't be trusted in her building. She makes him come pick SD up at the garage entrance of their building and makes him wait 15-30 minutes in a cold dark parking lot before she sends SD down to him. All part of her control tactics.
So, SD starts screaming "you better let Daddy come over!" over and over and BM actually GAVE IN. First time EVER. He has never seen the inside of their apartment. Now he's going over to help his poor child who is having a nervous breakdown at the age of 11. We had hoped it would be under happier circumstances, the day he would get to see where his daughter lives.
Apparently, SD's therapist is also on her way over to their apartment. I am so relieved to hear that SD will have help tonight! She will have her daddy and her doctor on her side to help her through this! She must feel so alone all the time, living with a bipolar loonie who drives her to insanity with nowhere to turn. Well, tonight she has somewhere to turn - thank goodness!
What judge can possibly in good conscience award a woman like this primary physical custody? This is SO WRONG!
Don't you just wish he could
Don't you just wish he could bring her home?? Man. I'm just speechless. And how are you coping with the stress? I know you've said you're pregnant...
Get SD out of there!
If BM truely suffers from manic depression, then their is no way she can care for her daughter properly,without guidance,and counseling, this incident says it all!! Has the father thought of pursuing custody, my husband had to do it, for similar reasons. It was a battle, but worth it all. Keep posting, and try to hang in there,I know it's tough. Meshel
I agree!
BM was diagnosed bipolar years ago and her psychiatrist testified to the court that she was disabled and couldn't work. She used this to her advantage twofold: to stick my fiance with alimony out the wazoo AND to imply that she is the "better equipped" parent because she doesn't work and can dedicate ALL her time to raising their daughter. Um, hello? How did no one judge her the "unfit" parent given that she's mentally ill!? How on earth did she use her mental illness as the reason she should have primary physical custody?!
Will be thinking of you!
Caitlin...I have to sign off now...I will be thinking of you and your family tonight and will say a little prayer for all of you! I really hope things work out the way they're supposed to and SD ends up with you guys. Look forward to an update tomorrow! Hang in there!!
New Stepmom:
Yes, I want so badly for him to bring her home where we can provide a safe haven for her and help her work through her emotional trauma and return her to her normal happy well-adjusted state.
How am I coping with the stress? By coming here! On a night like tonight when I am completely helpless to "fix" or "change" the situation, the only way I can deal is just by purging on this blog. I'm so glad steptalk exists because otherwise, I honestly don't know what I'd do right now. I really can't call any of my friends and burden them with this. I know I could call my mother because she's been a part of this all along, but I prefer not to worry her since I don't have all the information yet and I'd just be putting her in the same awful position I'm in right now. It's just the waiting game. So I wait. And I write. And it's therapeutic!
Oh and yes, I'm 12 weeks pregnant and I certainly need to keep my stress levels at a minimum for the baby's sake, so I'm trying to just remain calm.
Hopefully my fiance will call again soon with an update. I hope he'll have good news.
Caitlin, what HAPPENED????
Although I didn't comment on your original post, I came back often to hear whats going on with SD? Please...let us know that all is okay??
Thanks,
Janice
Oh my!
I came into this late, but hopefully there is an update? Let us know what happened please.
This is horrible. Is there anyway that your SD's therapist can testify in court to BM's behavior, or at least attest to SD's. I think I would try to seriously look into this and try your hardest to get custody. This little girl needs a stable environment.
I'm praying for you.
I'm so sorry!
Just catching up this morning and, wow, this is horrible! I am so sorry for what your family is going through. I wish I had some magic words that would turn this around for you guys, but just know that you're in our thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you guys can get custody of this little girl.
~ Anne ~
Wow Caitlin.....This may
Wow Caitlin.....
This may bring it all to a head. Maybe things will start to change now that it has reached this point! I hope so...it'so sad that this child has come to this point....I have a son that age..and I just can't imagine...
Be strong...
Update
Well I did three loads of laundry last night just to keep busy as I waited for the phone call. It finally came just before midnight. My fiance was with SD, getting ready to read her to sleep at her apartment so we only spoke for a moment.
He said that BM, SD, SD's therapist and he spoke for hours in the lobby of the apartment building and the therapist urged them to take SD to the psych ward where she would be safe. Well, BM refused and refused. The only reason I can think of is because she knows that having her kid admitted to a psychiatric hospital is a sure way to lose custody. Why else wouldn't you want your daughter to be cared for by medical professionals when she so obviously needs it?! She is such a sick woman.
At one point, BM ran off and disappeared because she wasn't getting what she wanted and SD freaked out really bad and said she wasn't going to the hospital without her mommy and it got really ugly. They have such codependency issues. BM is CAUSING all this, yet SD can't have her out of her sight. My fiance even told her what I had said: that I would pack the baby into the car and come get them both at whatever time of night if they wanted. SD had been saying all night that she didn't feel safe in her mother's apartment, so he told her she would be safe with us. Poor SD can't be asked to "choose" between her parents though, because although she liked the idea at first, ultimately she said she didn't feel safe in ANY home. The best place for her is the hospital right now anyway so I don't blame her.
So they left it that since it had gotten so late, that they would wait and admit her in the morning. Well, BM didn't actually agree to it, but this is what my fiance and the therapist decided together. My fiance's phone is turned off this morning, so I assume they are either sleeping in after such exhausting emotional turmoil or they're already at the hospital.
I'll keep posting when I find out more. I don't know how I'll get any work done today. I have a big meeting in 5 minutes and I have to lead it. I'm a little distracted to say the least! I hope I'll get through it ok. I'm just so worried about SD.
Hang in there!
Refusing necessary medical treatment is neglect, if not abuse. If her doctor says she needs to be admitted and her mother refuses, then Dad needs to make it happen. Even if it means getting a "police escort," if you know what I mean. Once she's evaluated, I can't see that any mental health professional would agree that it's in her best interest to return her to that home with that mother as it stands now. Have him contact the lawyer and get temporary custody right away for when she's released from the hopsital, and file for permanent custody as soon as you can catch your breath. At the very least, any judge would likely order mediation and joint sessions with a court-appointed therapist, who would then report to the judge. If she's anything like my husband's ex, she will likely show herself during the sessions and that will find it's way to the judge via the therapist's report. In the meantime, hang in there and keep us posted. We're all here for you!
~ Anne ~
Anne makes a good point. I
Anne makes a good point. I don't know how the law can't be on your side this time..
In Canada..with adults for sure..if they are in danger..IE including risk of suicide..the police can forcibly remove someone and send them for a 'psychological evaluation'.
That may be too traumatic at this point.....BUT with this child's therapist on your side..along with the BM withholding treatment. It might be the time to make a custody move....but be very, very careful...that BM doesn't turn the tables on you. Take this opportunity to rally as many 'professionals' as you can.......to stand up for SD's best interests and witness BM's own mental state..and impaired judgement. Also get some legal advice..regarding what's happening...but lay low until you get some psychological feedback on SD....don't make things worse.
Seize this opportunity and this childs cry for help....and make it happen...she needs to get away from this womans influence!!!
What's even worse, is BM lied to the therapist!
Not only is BM refusing medical treatment for her daughter, but when she had that sit-down talk with my fiance last night, she said that she had talked to SD's therapist and let her know everything that had gone on the night before. Well, that didn't sit right with me, because I know that the therapist would have immediately notified my fiance that his daughter was suicidal. I urged him to call her and keep her informed because who knows what nonsense BM fed to her, and come to find out, BM said to the therapist that SD had had "a bad night" and had hit and bit her during a big blow-out fight and DID NOT MENTION their daughter trying to jump out the 4th story window. Once the therapist heard this, she headed straight for a house call at BM's place because she really feared for SD's safety.
Withholding this kind of information from her child's doctor is inexcusable. I don't think that any judge can think that this woman has her child's best interests at heart. She is going to lie, cheat and steal through all of this and try to blame us for SD's breakdown, but I think the evidence is all right there.
I don't know what to do for the moment. My fiance did call this morning, but of course it was DURING MY MEETING! He left a voicemail that SD had woken up and they were about to call the therapist and hopefully make their way to the hospital. As for trying for temporary custody given the emergency situation, I don't even know where to begin. Without having any contact with my fiance (his phone is off because he didn't have its charger last night and the battery is almost dead) I can't do much of anything, but I want to get the ball rolling NOW!
Roll that Ball!
So why don't you start making some phone calls of your own? You are in all ways one of her guardians. It would not hurt to seek some kind of advice - do you already have a lawyer? Have a friend that is in that field?? There must be something that could be done.
Gather the info to help him prepare for the next step...
If it were me, I think I would just make a few calls, do some checking, whatever it takes to gather the info so that all of his options are laid out for him when he's able to take a minute to review the situation and make a decision about how to proceed. That way, he won't have to make any uninformed decisions. I know that where we live, you can do the paperwork yourself and get an answer within 24 hours re: temporary custody in an emergency situation. If you have a lawyer who knows a judge, you could conceivably have it done in a matter of minutes. I don't know how the system works where you live, but it's worth checking into. It wouldn't be permamnent, maybe only for a few weeks until a hearing can be set, but that gives you time to put out the immediate fire and set your long-term plan in motion. I know getting child protective services involved is a last-resort type thing, but they do have the authority here to take custody of children or place children temporarily with another parent or family member until the mess is straightened out. They may be an avenue to consider.
~ Anne ~
OMG
Caitlin I am just shocked...I am so sorry about all of this, you will be in my thoughts and prayers...I just don't even know what to say except, wow...I'll be thinking of you, fiance and SD...............HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read everything..
Wow.. Your poor SD.. Who knows what her ill mother has said to her about anything.
This little girl needs someone to take her and make a Safe and Happy enviroment for her. Her mother is obviously harming her not taking care of her.. Wow..
keep us up to date..
I am so very sorry to you and your family..
Loving thoughts of all of you..
Happy..
Still haven't talked to my fiance...
I'm assuming they're at the hospital and he's too busy taking care of SD to be able to call. Periodically, I try his cell in the off chance that it's been turned back on, but no luck. I know he will call me as soon as he is able, but the waiting is unbearable.
I've been trying the best I can to be productive at work and I just blew off some steam at the gym, but my mind is still just chock full of terrible thoughts at what must be going on over there. I just don't know what BM is capable of - anything? - and SD is so fragile right now. If BM completely loses it in her manic state, she could take SD right down with her.
I've looked into some local lawyers, so at least I feel like I've done something useful. Until I speak with my fiance though, my hands are tied.
Thanks for all the loving thoughts, prayers, support and advice! It means so much!
Whew... got to the end...
how tragic this is. I am soooooooo sorrry that you are going through this deal. Not much more that I can say because I think most everyone has covered it.... so hand in there.
We're here for you, so let us know what happens next.
Fiance called!
Here I've been worrying ALL DAY, wondering what the hell is going on, thinking SD was being admitted to the hospital, and my fiance just called and said that he's been with SD all day at her apartment (with BM I assume), SD's doing "fine", they're all going to grab dinner and then head over to the therapist's for SD's appointment. All casual, like they're going to hit the cinema together for a family film night!
WTF? You mean he's been by a phone all day and hasn't called me while I've been sick to death with worry over here? How could he keep me in the dark like that? No word for 7 bloody hours! Men!
So we only spoke for all of 30 seconds and BM and SD were within earshot, so he couldn't really say anything, but I have a thousand questions for him. Why didn't they take SD to the hospital upon her psychiatrist's recommendations?! Will they take her later or does BM still "refuse"? Have they just been enjoying a mini-vacation hanging out watching TV all day like a happy little "family unit" that BM continuously tries to re-create? Are they just acting like SD didn't try to end her life - twice?!
He needs to grow a spine, or some balls, or put his foot down, or do whatever anatomically correct thing it takes to take charge and get his daughter the help she needs and quit giving into BM! All this is speculation of course, because I have no idea what happened over there today, but judging by her past behavior, BM is hell bent on minimizing this so she won't lose custody and I believe that my fiance is allowing himself to be manipulated out of admitting SD to the psych ward. Let's just hope that the therapist will do the right thing.
I have this sinking feeling that SD "acted out" to get this very result: her parents together, all to herself, "like it used to be", all day and all night. She's been wanting her dad over there for ages because her mom is too much for her to handle. She has said to me point blank: "I love you and baby sister very much, but I just wish you didn't exist and my parents were together."
Well, she got her wish. For about 24 hours at least.
Oh. My. God...
I can't even believe it, I would jam my foot so far up that man's ass he'd have to open his mouth so I could tie my shoes...I am LIVID just READING about this situation...you keep us posted, please, meanwhile here is a hug for you...........*HUG*
xo
Fearless
Ouch...
I know you are pissed! I would be livid!!! You have been so patient with him in dealing with this situation, but that is not fair for him to keep you in the dark like that. Where did he stay last night?? I'm sure BM has been eating this up. Girl, you need to seriously stick to your guns with this one - now there are more problems than just the safety of SD - how about respect for you? I'm really sorry to go on a rage like that, especially since I do not know your fiance because I am sure he is a wonderful man and loves you dearly - he probably just has the welfare of his daughter in his mind right now - but still...you should have been updated on a regular basis as to what was going on - especially since he's been sitting in an apartment hanging out all day.
Thanks for backing me up on this!
I feel selfish for being pissed - I mean, I should be worried about SD, right? So I'm glad to hear that you think that my anger is justified. It IS disrespectful to me, dammit!
And to answer your question, he stayed at their place last night. I have no idea of the "sleeping arrangements" since we have barely been able to speak since this whole ordeal began, but I will get the full scoop later.
Anytime...
You have been worrying about SD ever since 4:00 yesterday!!! With good reason, obviously, but just because she is having major issues does not give the fiance a free pass to not think about your feelings. I always say "put the shoe on the other foot". If I did something like this to my husband, OMG, he would have a sh*t fit!!! You're the mother of his baby girl and are expecting another - he had no right to leave you so sick with worry like that.
Interested to hear what happens next...thinking of you!!
No, you're not being selfish at all.
But he is definitely being manipulated by not just the mother, but also the daughter. As to the sleeping arrangements, under her roof is flat out wrong. If the child was in such bad shape that she had to be with both parents, then she certainly should've been with both parents... but in the hospital, not in her mother's home. I think several boundaries were crossed and your anger is justified, not that you need me to tell you that. In defense Dad, though, just keep in mind that we all do dumb things and it's hard to think clearly and make good decisions when you're being played by two master manipulators... especially when they are your ex-wife and daughter. That poor guy walked into a trap. He never had a chance.
~ Anne ~
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