chilloutnot's picture

spoiled middle-aged adult stepkids

I am married to a man who has 2 adult children, a daughter and son(ages 43 and 46) (each married and with 3 kids).
The 43 year old daughter, can say "jump" and he will say "how high." I've never quite seen anything like it. At her request,my husband just purchased a car for her and her husband. She recently decided she wanted to open up a business....and again, her dad paid for it all.She requests that her father reimburse her for all her vacation trips (including the flight tickets for her husband and 2 kids).On her last visit, she decided she wanted her dad to pay for a minivacation to the mountains for her and the 2 kids.So, off they went......
During her single days, she wanted a house, so guess what......her dad bought it for her.
(The daughters husband (who has a good job)is unaware that all these purchases are made by her father. She has a separate bank account that is funded by her father.)

My husband caters to her every whim and totally changes when she comes to visit.The daily menu is based on what she requests and since I am the one that does the cooking when it is just me and my husband, I am unfortunately expected to cook for her during her extended, month long visits....everything has to be "just right".I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear while she's around. I feel very uncomfortable...even in my own home....when she is around.It's no use discussing these feelings with my husband, because he gets on the defensive anytime you mention his daughter.

It is really sad that some parents feel they cannot say "no" to their "kids"......even adult kids.I have no children of my own and feel like an outsider when she is around.My husband and his daughter are more of a "couple" than we are when she is around.I guess I just need to plan a mini vacation for myself whenever I hear she is coming to visit!

In short, I could probably write a book about my experiences, but, will for now, try to vent my issues on this forum. Can anyone else relate to my adult stepchildren issues?


glynne's picture

Oh Yeah.

I have a 26 YO SD, still going to college. DH pays for tuition, books, insurance, cash advances as needed. I'm a distanct #2 on DH's list but I've reconciled to that. I've disengaged from their weird relationship. I refuse to cook for SD. If DH wants her to come over for dinner - he shops, cooks and cleans up. He's not happy about it but that's the deal. There were too many times SD acted out during family meals or holiday dinners that I prepared and never a thank you to the cook. My DH is driven by guilt. Guilt about his Ex's parenting and bad behavior, guilt about being a part time parent, guilt about SD's troubled life. It never ends. The only thing that I can do to remain in the marriage and keep my sanity is to take a big step back from SD and from SD's and DH's relationship. Maybe you should disappear when she comes for a visit? I tell my DH that it give him one on time with SD. You could go see your family or friends. Work late, work out, just limit your time around them?
Gynne

Glynne

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

chilloutnot's picture

great advice ,glynne

Sorry to hear you are having similar problems.
Taking some time away is a great idea.....I started early this morning with a 1 hour morning walk around the neighborhood so, i would not be asked to cook breakfast for her!Will continue this routine for the remainder of her visit.....who knows, this extroardinarily uncomfortable situation may have one good outcome, afterall....i will lose some unwanted lbs.and start getting back into shape!

LizzieA's picture

Can he adopt me?

Just kidding. What a piece of work she is. I agree, disengage, tell him it's up to him to prepare the perfect meals for his darling. Maybe infant formula would do?

glynne's picture

LOL Lizzie

Yeah, tell them to suck on that!
Glynne

Glynne

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

Most Evil's picture

Please God tell me it ends someday!

Holy grown brats - I thought we would be done at age 30 at most! Help!!!!!!
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano

Janey1970's picture

Disengage completely

Think it's high time her own husband was taking care of her and was made aware who is bankrolling their nice life. After all, she's all the woman she's going to be so where will it all end? And YOU should be number one in your dh's life, not her!

I agree a fun holiday for you would do you the power of good. Also, every time she comes over to the house, make sure you have a bunch of your friends or family there for support. Sounds like she's getting far too comfortable and needs reminding to act with some courtesy and respect. What's wrong with her helping with the washing up?? And as for her month long visits, well I think you must be a saint. This parasite needs dealing with and fast.

Do I sound hard? Well I make no apologies. I've lived with being ignored in my home, dirty looks and gestures when the 25 yr old sd thinks I'm not looking and countless other examples of ignorance I could mention. My husband was quite happy to let it continue as long as It wasn't affecting him. So now, I have my friends around, we do our thing and I have other interests. In other words I have disengaged from the daughters and my dh when they are around. I think my husband has got the message at long last. Or at least until the next time...

StepAside's picture

Oh good heavens.... so it

Oh good heavens.... so it really never ends?

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

goodoledays's picture

Adult stepchildren who suck you dry

Well, this is the place to vent, right? Good, because I sure need to vent. I'm so boiling angry, I'm going to blow a gasket! The youngest SD, age 35, is a lazy leech. She lives on her own (only because I won't let her leech off us) in welfare housing. She is a single mother of an 11 year old daughter. Over the years, we have helped her get a house, credit cards, paid bills for her, bought her food, bought clothes for her daughter, given her rides, babysat, etc etc etc and the list goes on and on. She has taken money and things from every one of her family and friends. She has never offered to help us with anything and when she comes over for meals, she sits on her ass unless someone asks her to do something. Her mother signed for a car for her (because we wouldn't) and so she bought an $18000 fairly new sports car, which she let her teenage welfare boyfriend and his friends take for a joyride and they totaled it. She also got fired from a good job because she was messing with another teenage boyfriend at work after she had had a warning. This girl is not dumb. Of course she lost the house we helped her buy. Now she "works" part time, about 8 hours a week. The problem is that my DH always feels sorry for her and so now, he goes and picks her up (because of course she has no car) and brings her over here to "work" and he thinks she should be paid. I would never ever have taken money from my parents to help them, especially if they had given me all the money and help we have given her!!! And it's not that my parents didn't offer me help, I just felt that I didn't need it and shouldn't take it from them, that I should take care of myself. My DH and I are always in knock down, dragged out arguments about it and I am so sick of it. Also, I had finally said to my DH that I'd make a deal with him. He could give her his old pickup truck if I would never have to hear about giving her money again for anything. Now here we are again back where we were. She didn't get the truck because she hasn't got the money to register it, but that's another story. The point is, I told her he could give it to her to end the feuding. I am just so sick of it! My DH has many serious health problems and is still working, I am and always have worked full time, and I don't like being used. I'm really getting ready to walk out on this crap. I have not worked hard all my life to support this loser.

Lillyann's picture

I know what you mean about

I know what you mean about adult children getting paid for everything ey do, but don't appreciate the car payments, etc that were paid for them. My husband pays his sons 20-40 per hour to help then wanted to give them an extra 10 percent on the will because they have helped out.

glynne's picture

Fortune Teller

I think that you have just foretold my future. Sad When I married DH 17 years ago I told myself it was okay to be 2nd and support DH's efforts to parent SD, she was 9 YO. I always and still do supported DH's time with her. I honestly thought that as she grew up I would be an involved supported and respected stepparent. DID NOT HAPPEN!! I'm still 2nd in DH's life and always will be. He and SD have such an enabling guilt driven relationship I can hardly stand to be around it and in family and friends company I'm embarrassed by it. But it is what it is and I've disengaged. She is not my problem and I keep my distant and I'm okay with that. DH is hurt and frustrated by my position but I'm okay with too. If he wants to ruin her life by enabling her so be it and as long as I can live mine and not be too adversely affected by it - I can deal.

Glynne

Glynne

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

cc13002's picture

SD is coming to live with

SD is coming to live with us. How do you deal with the same kind of SD from the above posts when she lives with you? She's coming this spring with her baby and 2 pit bulldogs,one weighs 70 lbs the other 100, they sleep with her. She lived with us 5 years ago when we were first married, and never lifted a finger to help with anything. She had her hand out constantly for money and DH never said and never has said no.She is draining us and we're going to end up with no life savings. DH is getting close to retirement and we'll have nothing. He refuses to discuss any of this and is looking forward to her and baby coming to live with us. I have never dreaded anything more.

stilltrying's picture

pitbulls - check with your

pitbulls - check with your insurance company. i think you need a one million dollar liability insurance policy for them to be in your house. it is a liability issue. use that for an excuse to keep the dogs away. you dont need that. they are dangerous animals. it is never going to end. open your own bank account and be broke to those people. just say you cannot help. as far as her not lifting a finger to help, you are not her servant or slave. slavery is dead. why do men think they are so great we must eat shit to be allowed to live with them? tell her you are looking forward to her getting a job and daycare and sign her up for resume help and financial assistance/welfare. call the places yourself and say you are her. tell her she has appointments to make and work to do. or.... move into the bedroom she plans on taking ... get your friends/relatives on your side. have them come over too. you need "back up" cause he has no "backbone"

StepAside's picture

Our counselor told me, "You

Our counselor told me, "You have choices". I'm reminding all of you women of this same thing. I thought my only choices were to eat their crap or divorce. Not necessarily so. Think of how much you do against your will. You cook, you clean, you entertain, you converse and one of you is moving a grown leech back in. Jawdropping!

You (and me) allow these grown women to disrespect us, humiliate us, take from us and keep coming back for more.

You have the choice to continue contact with these adult children. Nobody is forcing you to speak to them, whether by phone, email or in person. You choose who you have relationships with. Your DH doesn't have the right to expect you to kiss his grown children's asses. Seriously. You can stay married without helping them take advantage of you. I have zero to say to any of DH's adult children. IF they ever learn an ounce of civility, I may someday be interested. But currently I'm not in the least. By distancing myself, I'm not readily available for them to spit on. I also stopped going with DH to see them. I'm over it. Territory has so much to do with things. They can come here but they don't. They have to behave here. It's an unspoken rule that I'll kick their ass to the curb if they don't. And I think DH knows this to be the case as well. I really am over their attitudes.

They all know what they are doing. OSD told DH her own mother was a leech when OSD was a teenager. OSD has her mom beat hands down. But when you contribute, you'll keep getting more.

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Rosie7's picture

I have tried your approach

I have tried your approach (to which I wholeheartedly agree with) of reducing contact with the SD and extended family i.e her husband and her child. But this has completely backfired where my partner has chosen his family over me and my relationship has pretty much ended because "I dont like his daughter." As I am one who is honest where I cannot hide my distaste for her, my partner adores her and worships the ground she walks on. Oh and by the way daddy provides EVERYTHING for this woman. So if you have any other pointers (because I have tried everything) please let me know. I have got to the point where I realise I have been beaten by a force far greater and more evil than I could have ever imagined!

Mominator's picture

You're going to have to

You're going to have to really work on NOT SPEAKING negatively to him about his SD. I use to and all it does is make your DH defend them *to the death*.....and leaving you sitting there with the dumb *deer in the headlights* look on your face, cause you're trying to figure out the idiot-blind-loyalty he's got with her, and what did you say that could really offend him so much????

They have a BOND, since birth, and if you attack someone who has a bond with another person, you are going to cause that person to go in to warp-speed defensive mode, and they'll throw up the force field shield quicker than you can blink.

It's what caused a lot of our fights.....

....it's why I come here now and can call my bratty-self-entitled SD's the little shits that they are.......it's a release, and it keeps the negativity out of our (DH) relationship, and ultimately, it DOES bring peace between the two of you.

Stop thinking about them, stop worrying about what he does with them or does for them, stop talking about them in great detail to him, and mostly, stop forming opinions and sharing them with him.

It's OK for him to go spend time exclusively with them. He comes home to you, right? These are only visits, correct?

Make sure he knows, you are not to be part of their conversations, because your relationship with him is seperate from his relationship with them.

You don't have to *like* anyone, so for him to say that specifically about how you feel about his daughter, is him in defensive mode. Make it clear, you do not approve of how she treats you and for your emotional heath and well being, do not need to be a part of her life. Turn it around, or he'll start to resent you.

Rosie7's picture

We have had lots of fights;

We have had lots of fights; not pleasant at all and they have resolved nothing really.

Your response is very valuable and you have obviously experienced a very similar situation to mine. I am not sure if the relationship is recoverable, its going to take an enormous effort (and emotional intelligence) on both parts to bring it around.

Thank you for bringing clarity and intelligence to my situation.

I wish I could call her a self-entitled little shit and feel good about it.....but these words do not do justice to her at all - but its a start!!!!!!

Jeans222's picture

I have noticed with my

I have noticed with my husband, much of the problems with his daughters bad behavior is because of him...

StepAside's picture

http://www.psychologytoday.co

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200909/child-enti...

Ditto that. Check out this article. Sound familiar?

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Jeans222's picture

My husband is going to be

My husband is going to be able to write a book on this subject in about a year. He told me his ex cheated on him for years and even tried to kill him
yet he chooses his slutty foul mouthed daughter over me as he wants me to conform to her lifestyle and ideals and thats not going to happen.
By the time his daughter and his ex ( her mother) are through with him... he will be singing the blues. I even found his daughters myspace page how she goes on and on how much she hates him...

but he chooses her.
What a fool I married. I'm wayyyyyyyyyy to good for him, apparently.

geez what a bad day and I'm sick on top of all this.

stepgin's picture

My situation is pretty

My situation is pretty similar. I will say that as wife #3, DH wants this to work so he is willing to compromise. I have learned to change how I approach the topic of his 2 totally loser offspring too. I'm a huge advocate of family counciling. It really helped me deal with some of the stupid crap that's been shoveled my way by his kids. His daughter 34 is the worst though. An absolute bitch in my opinion. DH gets defensive when she comes up and ALWAYS defends her. I've learned to not bring her up. Smiling
Like me, most of you probably thought that the whole step family issue wouldn't really be an issue since these stepkids are adults. Wow! Could we have been more wrong??? Hang in there and keep trying. It may get better.

"When someone shows you who they are...BELIEVE THEM!" - Oprah Winfrey

sandye21's picture

Just wondering how long you

Just wondering how long you have been married to DH? It sounds as if it has been at least 5 years. I agree it sucks.