kathryn2009's picture

Adult step daughters

Hi, I have just gotten married after a five year dating relationship. I have three adult daughters; 24, 20 and 19. My husband has two adult daughters; 22 and 20. His 22 yr old hasn't spoken to him since she was 12 so she has never been an issue, but the 22 year old and my girls are really an issue. I am lost on what exactly to expect from him in terms of rules and guidelines, etc...We both now have resentment and issues between us because of the children. I went from "she won't speak to you because she's just shy and that way, be patient." To " Well I don't see you trying to have a relationship with her" to " I don't see what the problem is, she's going off to college now and a non-issue". My girls get along great with him and they have an ongoing relationship, laughter, arguments, advice, activities etc...But his daughter won't speak to any of us and certainly won't particpate in anything whatsoever. When I say she won't speak to me I mean I have never heard her say my name once. If he is around and I ask her something I may get a one word answer. She just went away to college and he says its' a non-issue. He chooses to ignore the whole thing and won't discuss anything with her. I think its largely out of fear that she will stop speaking to him. She has done it before for 6 mos or more at a time and it kills him. I feel like he should make her be polite, invite her to things, include all of us in events, talk to her about it, etc...Since we got married a couple months ago the situation has escalated now where he regularly bashes my girls. This gets old really quickly ecspecially since anything with his daughter is completely off limits. It seems in a way that he is on one hand resentful of my open and regular steady relationship with all of my girls and so now he is wanting to sort of 'compete'. He says things like 'well at least my daughter doesn't do such and such' , etc...The things he bashes my daughters about are personal things too, like things that don't really have anything to do with him or affect him at all. He bashes them for their choices in boyfriends, schooling, jobs, etc...relentlessly. And all of this behind their backs and I'm just supposed to listen to him be hateful and agree or whatever and let him beat a dead horse and go on and on and on about them and how imperfect they are. What is this and what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Recently he went out of state to visit his mother and we were supposed to go (not my kids, just me and his daughter) and at the last minute I was uninvited. I thought at first, well better off, tension is high when one of the people in the car won't speak to another. I personally allmost hate her now. But he won't discuss her or her life or giving her money, etc...with me at all. He is secretive. What should I do? I'm going crazy and getting so hateful and resentful now. I can't sleep at night! Anyone? Ideas?


KittyKat's picture

Wow, can I relate...

My H and I have been together for 7 years, married for just over 4. He has three adult Ds (now 30, 29, 26), and did they ever hate ME when we first got together. They still don't really like me, but I have learned (largely due to this site) to just ignore them and live my own life.

The part that really hit a nerve is bashing YOUR kids. My H just started doing that last year with my D (now 17 and pretty much lives with us full time)....he resents having her here, and it is becoming a major issue. She is a very athletic, popular, honor roll students, never has caused any problems. She can keep her room messy, but if told about it, she'll clean it up. (I was a teenager once, too, and I know I didn't have the cleanest room in the world).

Where I am now, K, is that I just let the chips fall where they may anymore. BUT, if he is picking on MY kid, there is NO WAY IN HELL I am going to play "happy couple" in front of his kids. One of them wants to come here in a few weeks with her SO...and I told H, there is no way I'm sitting here entertaining them and making them feel at "home" when you treat MY daughter like you wish she'd just move out already. (That's the way he thinks...she is here too much and we don't have any "privacy"...if that were true, I'd admit it, but it's not. Of course now it's summer, so she's here more than during the school year.)

And, I'm sticking to my guns. If his daughter comes here expecting dinner and conversation, I'll go to the movies or make plans with my OWN daughter. And, thanks a lot to this site, that's how I've learned to handle things. Not with "emotion", but just practically....I used to get upset and feel "hurt" when I wasn't invited ("daddy" only!!), but now I just pretend they don't exist. Fortunately, due to their ages, the constant annoying phone calls and whining has simmered a bit. But, in the end, they are NOT "my kids"...they are HIS. My daughter does not act as they do, so I cannot compare them.

Don't let them upset you. I'm sure your kids are wonderful, and he is resentful that they didn't talk to him for years so he "missed out" on all the great experiences YOU are now having. (Long story, but that is the issue with my H). Don't feel guilty!! But, I am sure this site will help you immensely!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

kathryn2009's picture

Thank you. Yeah, I feel

Thank you. Yeah, I feel better already having read all these postings! I feel so not alone for one! And yes, my youngest daughter has just moved in with us, she was trying it with her biol. dad for the last year and a half. And she is home more because of the summer, etc...too. But heres' the thing too, how much of her life do you involve him with? I mean, the bashing of my kids all the time has made me think, I will not tell him what they are doing and saying, etc...in their lives anymore. Its an instinct I think. I hate that it has to be that way. And my kids have no idea. They are only bothered by the fact that "princess" as they privately refer to her, (his daughter) won't ever come around and he won't make her. In fact, my two older children have never even laid eyes on her once in five long years. My youngest met her four years ago when I took her camping with us so they could meet thinking it would be wonderful and the little brat ignored her and me ABSOLUTELY THE ENTIRE WEEKEND! It was awful. They are all around the same age and in college too and could have such fun and things in common, but noooo, here we are. I just think he should have stepped up to the plate a long time ago and now even more since we are actually married. What will happen down the road? You know? Marriages, grandchildren, God forbid- funerals, etc....We eloped secretly one weekend since I knew it would be horrific tension and misery at a wedding. Anyway, thanks again and PS) I always say that Eleanor R. quote to my girls and here I need it! hahahhahahahha And PPS) Don't you think this would be a WHOLE different EASY ball game if they were BOYS instead of girls???!!!

KittyKat's picture

Eloped!!

OMG, so did we for the same reasons....not MY family, but HIS "girls"!! And, of course, one of them DID have the nerve to call him for something ridiculous. (How DARE daddy go away with another girl??!! Ha ha!!)

Luckily, two of them ARE now married (I guess they realized "daddy" wasn't coming back...), and it's been much better. I was invited to both showers and weddings, but it would have looked cheesy on THEIR parts if they did NOT invite me.

And, K, I had those same "dreams" of "one big happy family"; I was thrilled that my daughter would have "big sisters" and that my son (24) would have "siblings" his own age. None of that happened. I tried, and I know H tried, too, but personalities are TOO ESTABLISHED (in our case anyway), and you can't make other people want to share in YOUR dream.

I really tried with my SDs, as they had it rough. Their mom (with whom I DO get along, although I rarely see her....I met her at one D's shower, and she was very cordial to me) left for another man when they were teens, and she was estranged from them for a long time. NOW they have a relationship with her, but their teen years were horrible. THAT'S why I know my H is resentful of my D....her MOM is here and hands on, his D's mom was working on her "new" relationship and the D's were not welcome to live with her and her new H.

And, K, as sorry as I am over that, in reality, it is not MY PROBLEM. They are now well into adulthood, if they have issues with it, they are old enough to seek counseling, etc. And, yes, I think it is more difficult with girls. As I said, in my case, I felt as if I stole someone's BOYFRIEND when I met my H. They DID NOT want another "girl" in daddy's life. And, since two of them ARE married now, it is better in that area.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Mystery23's picture

Hi I am 26 year old

Hi

I am 26 year old stepdaughter. I think she felt so pushed out and to be honest with your two girls she maybe thougth she was not daddy girl no more. The closest he had with u and daughters really probably made her feel out of place. So she probably kept everything to herself.
She probably felt unloved from her father and now maybe he realises his mistake. Infact its probably not u or your daughters just maybe he want them to have time on their own. Did they have many times one on one with each other?
I just think as he was doing stuff with you and the girls and now he is not your nose is out of joint. Realise her pain to be honest. Maybe she resents u for all this.
I am not trying to be funny but maybe he got lost in his fun with and your sisters he didn't think about her. So maybe now he just want to build his relationship with her and keep quiet. I don't think its any of your business what money he gives her. This is probably what she wanted to be involved with u and your daughters just him.
Maybe you try and talk to her and tell her she is apart of the family aswell. Maybe she don't feel like she is.

StepAside's picture

I see that you live in

I see that you live in England. Don't know about the law there. In most states in the United States, assets between a married couple are considered joint and to be divided equally if the marriage ends.

You said, "I don't think its any of your business what money he gives her."

I'm sorry to say that this is a very common perception among adult stepchildren. While you may feel that the wife hasn't earned her way into your father's pockets, that is not technically correct. The wife is the one entitled to the funds by law. Most legal financial obligations to children end at 18 or through college. Anything beyond that is considered a gift, not an obligation.

It's this perception of entitlement that causes a huge divide in blended families. The adult stepchildren want to dictate where their father's money gets spent. The father is put in the position of funding now supposed adults who should be financially independent someday, yet refuse to let go of the hope of handouts.

The way it should work is like this. The father marries a woman and takes vows to share his life with her entirely. That means he plans to live his life with her, not his grown stepchildren. Creating lives together, planning for retirement, traveling together, etc. takes money, money that they share together. Their finances are actually nobody else's business, including any children grown or not.

So, while I empathize with the way you feel. It's actually the reverse that is backed up by the legal system. It's not your business to decide how much the father gives anyone.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

stepblu's picture

This made me laugh... my

This made me laugh... my SD's comment was... it was MY money before it was YOURS! Funny how wrong she could be since more than half of our money at that time I brought into the marriage. That was several years ago, I'm still fighting to keep her 24 year old paws out of my purse.

Jackie.Myers's picture

To Mystery23, With all due

To Mystery23,
With all due respect --- This is a forum "where stepparents come to vent." Stepparents. Stepparents are here to support each other. We have heard the stepkid's point of view ad nauseum. I am sure there are stepchild/adult stepchild forums somewhere, but this one isn't it.

J

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

kathryn2009's picture

Well I have alot to say on

Well I have alot to say on this Mystery. I appreciate your posting your position and thoughts and respect that. There are some real possible issues in your words for me I guess, but I don't think my situation is exactly there. Ecspecially because we are talking about adults here, not seven year olds. Since I met him she was 15 years old. And I have tried sooo hard to talk to her. She won't speak to me. She won't even stay in the same room with me for longer that 10 minutes. When we have gone hunting together she puts headphones on for the long truck ride and stays asleep or eyes closed the entire trip. Here is the thing Mystery; I don't resent him giving her money really at all because he doesn't do it too often and it really is his choice in my opinion as long as it doesn't completely break us or something like that, although AMEN to the sister above 'StepAside' with regard to the legal side of things and the ETHIC involved, nearly as much as I resent this:
If I ever give my children ONE LITTLE THING (such as buying tampons or helping with cost of college books or clothing occasionally, and I mean OCCASIONALLY not as a RULE or NORM that happens all the time, I get my *** chewed out. And mostly the issue is that he is sooo vocal about my kids and their choices and my choices with and for them and everything; yet, his daughter and his choices and her choices and things going on in her life are ABSOLUTELY OFF LIMITS. How could any of us ever possibly get 'close' to her when he is guarding her and allowing her to act like a spoiled child all the time. The actions now that occur, such as him going on trips with her alone, dinner alone, etc...are the result of years of trying and giving up finally on both our parts I think.
However, I resent most of all, the fact that he won't even talk about her with me now or relate any information or circumstances hardly at all and on the occasion that he does, I am only allowed to process the information quietly with a smile. NO COMMENT, SUGGESTION, QUESTIONS, OR DISCUSSION ALLOWED BABY! That just kills me. Try and think about it like this. I am running a checkbook where I pay bills, expenses, etc....we both use it regularly. I discover last week some weird $300 transfer to some account that we don't have. Before I call the bank to claim FRAUD I text him at work. "honey, do you know anything about this...etc...??" After THREE DAMN HOURS (which is a total headgame) he writes back. Yes I did it and whats the $53 charge to the grocery store in the town of your mothers nursing home?????? NOW, Finally I get it out of him that he gave her money by transferring it to her account and thats what the $300 was. NO problem, but did we have to go through the whole secret thing, not write it in the checkbook, trying to make me feel guilty for buying my mom some supplies at the grocery store, total defensive bull-shit???!! No. We didn't, but we did anyway cuz thats the way some men are with their princess daughters. Had he just said, "hey I transferred some cash to my daughter last week in case you come across the charge when you are balancing the checkbook etc.." there would have been no problem. I would have either asked how much so I could write it in or just looked it up online to add it. But the fact that he went through it that way and tried to act like I spent too much money at the store was sooo ridiculous etc..
I have tried to put myself in her shoes and thoughts and feelings many times. And maybe she could be jealous that I have girls and she has been the only one for so long. I see that, but five years honey??? PA-LEEEZE. And he doesn't do anything with my kids that she isn't invited to, doesn't know about, or whatever.
She can't possibly feel out of place when she acts too good to do anything with any of us. She put herself in this isolation and my problem is that HE ENABLES AND ENCOURAGES IT! Instead of trying to include everyone and be a team. She is twenty years old, refuses to work, has never worked and he has no problem with it, however the kicker is that when my kids have been in between jobs on occasion or whatever, (my two older ones are 20 and 24 and I haven't supported them in a long time) HE comes unglued and does nothing but gripe and complain about them and how they live their lives, etc..
Imagine you are married and you talk to your husband everyday about your job, the dog, the kids, your health, your friends, etc...And he does the same. You both support each other and get along for the most part and carry on a healthy relationship where you are involved in each others pains, struggles, goals, values, successes, achievements, etc...Then all the sudden one of you decides one of the areas of your life (the biggest one) is OFF LIMITS for the other person. Oh, but that area in the other partners life is up for all kinds of ridicule and criticism. Say for example all the sudden he couldn't discuss my job, yet I was allowed to bash his regularly. "You and your ridiculous banker job!...I don't know how you can do it. Its just beyond me. That job is just a failure and a ridiculous way to live....But my salesperson job is just fantastic. At least I don't have to stoop as low as your job, at least my job pays more...etc..." Just imagine it honey. It IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. Its almost a DEAL BREAKER to me! And for the record I have blamed myself, examined myself, questioned myself, but you CANNOT have a relationship with someone who is unwilling. You cannot play a damn game of tennis all by yourself. And HE is the only one in the position to make a difference here and talk with her and continue to try and include her and so forth and he refuses. Again, its' almost a deal breaker for me, it may be one pretty soon if something doesn't change. Along the lines of what Stepaside says above, you marry a man to share his life with him and he the same for you. I don't know how old you are honey, but I doubt when you get married and the man you marry pulls this number on you, that you will feel so like "coddle her, think about her feelings, maybe she's JEALOUS and feels left out...." Oh no, it will be a whole different ball game. A parent who singles out a child and enables them to be so spoiled and self absorbed and not responsible for their own actions and face their own consequences certainly won't be able to take this kind of shit in a marriage.

StepAside's picture

Over the past few years, my

Over the past few years, my DH changed to not telling me much about his kid's lives. At first, it felt kind of odd that he wasn't telling me about his family and all their drama. But in time, I came to love the peace we have now. And the funny thing that happened is that without me telling him what I think of their behavior, he no longer stays preoccupied feeling the need to protect them. Hence, their drama is more visible to him now and he hates it. I'm the cheery wife raising our respectful, sweet children and it puts his family's drama in direct contrast.

He read parts of Emotional Blackmail recently. It describes the "fog" the blackmailers use. F = Fear, O = Obligation, G = Guilt. The blackmailers learn early on that the victim values their relationship more than anything. When the victim doesn't respond to their commands, in comes the fog. They do things outright and passively to keep the victim concerned that the blackmailer may retract their love. Works like a charm. Well, it works as long as both parties continue responding to each other the same way. When the tactics are identified, the victim can do thing differently to change the pattern. But it's hard for us stepmothers to be the ones to identify the cycle since we're often shut out.

The worst part is the the victim's desire to respond to the fog often results in them betraying others, like their wives. My DH's fog has been lifted and he's happier than ever. Don't know when I'll see his offspring again, as they are busy posturing and stomping their feet since he is now refusing to participate in their tactics. The more they stomp, the more they prove to him that they've used him for a wallet only for many years. He's disappointed to realize how little they actually care for him. So, when they are through throwing their fits and figuring out that our lives march on with or without them, perhaps they'll consider a new tactic, like being honest and nice to others.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

kathryn2009's picture

Thanks for your comments and

Thanks for your comments and the book insight. I guess thats it. And I've never read that book. OBVIOUSLY I need to get it. I mean, his daughter lived with him and then later us for a while and both times she just waited until he went to work when she was mad at him and he came home to find her room empty and not phone call, nothing. Both times after months of trying , begging, emailing, calling her and leaving messages on the cell phone that he pays for she finally graced him with a little moment of her time.....just when she needed money or something from him. It is awful and heartbreaking to watch. I guess I just have to resign to the staying out of her life part, fine....but the issue of my children from my previous marriage and him bashing them so much is another one. I just think maybe I need to try as hard as I can to keep him out of the loop with them, but they really enjoy him, their own father is a piece of work so he presents some normal type relationship. They don't know how badly he harps on their choices and behaviors, etc...I'm just in a quandry about that one.

StepAside's picture

My DH didn't really want to

My DH didn't really want to read the entire book. So I found parts of it online that were relevant and pasted them together for him to have a short version. Here's what I gave him if you'd like to cut and paste it for your DH:

Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance.

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people who are close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us to get what they want. Knowing that we want love or approval, blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make us feel we must earn it. If you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him/her control your decisions and behavior.

Blackmail takes two: it is a transaction. The change has to begin with the blackmail target. Our compliance rewards the blackmailer, and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we're letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again. The price we pay when we repeatedly give in to emotional blackmail is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy.
The issues may differ, but the tactics and actions will be the same, and clearly recognizable.
1 A demand: it may be direct or indirect and may not even sound like a demand until the blackmailer is set in the course of action and is not willing to discuss or change it.

2 Resistance from the target.

3 Pressure

4 Threats

5 Compliance

6 Repetition
Enlisting Allies
When single-handed attempts at blackmail are effective, blackmailers call in reinforcements (family members, friends), to make their case for them and to prove that they are right. They may turn to a higher authority such as the bible.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. Often people who have had everything and have been overprotected and indulged have had little opportunity to develop confidence in their ability to handle any kind of loss. At the first hint that they might be deprived, they panic, and shore themselves up with blackmail. Most blackmailers operate from an I-want-what-I want-when-I-want it mind-set. Any logic or ability to see the consequences of their actions is obscured by the urgency blackmailers feel to hold on to what they have.
It takes two
Blackmail cannot work without the target's active participation. The target gives it permission to occur. You may be aware of the blackmail but feel as though you can't resist it, because the blackmailer's pressure sets off almost programmed responses in you, and you're reacting automatically or impulsively.
Blackmailers may be aware of your hot buttons. Faced with resistance, blackmailers' fear of deprivation kicks in and they use every bit of information to ensure that they prevail. The protective qualities that we have that open us up to emotional blackmail are:
• An excessive need for approval
• An intense fear of anger
• A need for peace at any price
• A tendency to take too much responsibility for other people's lives
• A high level of self-doubt
When kept in balance and alternated with other behavior, none of these styles dooms you to the status of 'preferred target' of an emotional blackmailer. Emotional blackmailing takes training and practice. Emotional blackmailers take their cues from our responses to their testing, and they learn from both what we do and what we don't do.
The Impact of Blackmail
Emotional blackmail may not be life threatening but it robs us of our integrity. Integrity is that place inside where our values and our moral compass reside, clarifying what right and wrong for us.
• We let ourselves down
• A vicious cycle ensues
• Rationalizing and justifying
The impact on our well being:
• Mental health
• Physical pain as a warning
We may betray others to placate the blackmailer. It sucks the safety out of the relationship. We may shut down and constrict emotional generosity.
Non-defensive communication
Do not defend or explain your decision or yourself in response to pressure. Use phrases like: I'm sorry you are so upset, Really' I can understand how you might see it that way. Without fuel from the target, the blackmail attempts that worked so well in the past fizzle.
For silent angry people, stay non-defensive.

COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
(1) Demand--someone wants something
(2) Resistance--the other does not feel comfortable with the demand
(3) Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in
(4) Threat --to turn up the pressure
(5) Compliance--on the part of the resistant one
(6) Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just with a different name)
TYPES OF BLACKMAILERS
(1) The Punisher--very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
(2) The Self-Punisher--uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
(3) The Sufferer--the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
(4) The Tantalizer--uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants
EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
They doubt their ideas and needs
They feel isolated
They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt
TOOLS USED TO CREATE FOG
Making demands seem reasonable
Making the victim feel selfish
Labeling with negative qualities and connotations
Pathologizing or crazy making
Making a demand that needs an immediate response
Allying themselves with someone of authority or influence i.e. parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.
Comparing the victim to a person that the victim does not like or is in competition with
Learning the victim's "triggers"
Assess how much pressure to apply before the victim will give in

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIM
Constantly seeks approval
Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace
Takes the blame for anything that happens to others
Has compassion and empathy
Tends to feel pity or obligation
Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities
CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILER
Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt
Feels desperate
Needs to be in control of things
Experiences frequent frustration
Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands
Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want
WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
They must detach from their emotions.
They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

kathryn2009's picture

Thank you, that is helpful.

Thank you, that is helpful. I am certain he won't read anything if I bring it up in the context of his daughter and their relationship and mine. Rather than lie or be manipulative I will buy the book and read it myself. Perhaps he will see it and wonder why and maybe even pick it up or ask me about it which will open the dialogue. Cross fingers and thanks again!

no fairytale's picture

I SO understand where you

I SO understand where you are coming from.. My fiance has two grown children 22 yr girl and 23 yr old boy.. My boys are 16 and 13 and live with us.
His daughter can do no wrong!!! He actually compares my 16yr old and her together. If she does do something and I bring it to his attention he will turn it around on my 16yr old. I have reminded him time and time again that she is a grown child and the 16yr old is a minor and he can not compare them. He disagrees and tells me she is still his child and in her last semester of college (because she is now a 5 year college student.. and no not for anything special just because she is lazy so she is not an adult.
Well we have had so many fights about the way she treats me and him and he gives me the same excuses.
1. she feels bad for her mom because she sees what we have and her mom does not. (the Ex got the house and everything in it when they got divorced 9 years ago and still has not re-financed the house so ruining his credit)
2. She has not dealt with the divorce (it has been 9 years..and it was not a nasty divorce)
3. She is a girl
4. He feels bad that he got divorced and is guilty. (Most parents are)
He can defend her for anything...
So we have not spoken for almost a week due to somethings his daughter said to me considering she feels she can say whatever, whenever she wants to.
We finally began talking again on Saturday and I swear not 15mins later she called cause she was in town and was mad at her brother and mother so he invited her down to us.. (does no one see the pattern she fights with EVERYONE) but he defended her saying brother and mother always pick on her.
So, I had to bite my tongue and put up with her and her boyfriend all day Sunday.

What gets me the most is the things he expects from my children that his children did not have to do at their age.. (pay for car insurance, work part time, clean)

So, YES I really do understand where you are coming from!! Good luck

Breathe in, Breathe Out, Move on - Jimmy Buffett

Mystery23's picture

Hi kathryn2009, It must be

Hi kathryn2009,

It must be very hurtful for u that your sd won't speak to u but if she don't want to then leave her. Your Oh must know why she is like that towards u but will not say why.
If she wants a separate time with her father that u got to try and accept it. Its not easy thought when maybe he got an arrangment with her and it spoils maybe something u have planned.
I can't tell u why she like that towards u but all I can say is one day she may speak to u about her reason for not liking u or your daughters.
If your younger daughter is living with u then at some point she will realise he is resenting her. I can't remember if u said they all lives with u. This is something that really u need to speak to him about. Plus that its unfair u cannot speak about his daughter.
Otherwise your marriage will end.
I can understand all the secrets that get to you aswell but that probably something your Sd knows will cause problems and dont rise to it.

My experience with my stepmum was good when I met very young then as I grew felt the resentment I was the only girl. She had a son from previous relationship. I went through a stage where I myselt didn't want to chat to my stepmum at all as she upset me.
I was 22 when I gave my stepmum the silent treatment couldn't put up with her anymore. All I can say she went behing my back trying to find out stuff about me. Then my friend accidently while talking to her informed her I had been to the doctors and she moaned at me when I rang why didn't I tell her. For me it was its not her business and the fact I had even told my father certain things aswell.
All I can say if she want to be private about her life and he wants to not speak of her life respect his wishes and hers. As long as he does the same for u and your daughters.
Although if u live together is going to be hard.

Mystery23's picture

If u can resolve the issues

If u can resolve the issues of him being negative about your kids then can u just not chat about your stepdaughter and keep well out of what they do.

I just feel don't lose sleep over her and if u can't take the situation step out situation theres going to be alot of things he will go too for his kids and you will be left out of. You will have to get use to it.
Before your got married did you not realise what u was getting involved with.

StepAside's picture

Mystery23, I have been a

Mystery23,

I have been a stepdaughter myself. I experienced some terrible actual events between my stepmother and I that caused me plenty of resentment. And that is far more than the mere perceptions my own stepdaughters have, like they might be rich if their daddy had never remarried. My stepmother fractured my jawbone when I stood up to her after saying I was a bitch just like my mother. I was 14. We had several more exchanges when she scared me to death.

I'll never understand why my 3 grown stepdaughters feel entitled to continue treating me with so much disrespect. I haven't done anything to them. Just because they wish their father had never remarried (and we've been married for 16 years) doesn't mean they are entitled to treat me, or any human, with the amount of aggression they have shown.

Here's the part I want to share with you. When I held on to my resentment towards my stepmother, it was like having a part-time job. Hating her took time and energy. It required reminding myself often of all the reasons she had given me to hate her. It meant I had to remember that I wasn't speaking to her when she'd try to call. It also meant that I missed my dad because I avoided him since I hated his wife. It caused me stress, stomach aches, heartache, etc.

When I was in my older 20's, I let it go. I just had enough. Didn't mean that I suddenly trusted her anymore. But I realized she had no control over me. We were equal adults. I accepted her in my father's life. I stopped talking about her to him. What a relief!!!! It was over! No longer did the fight take up space in my head. I loved spending time with my dad. My family spends a ton of time with both of them often now. She's not a bad person, she just really struggled with being a stepmother.

Now, my own stepdaughters have the same feelings for me. You know what? It's their loss. My husband and I spend time with my family, because his acts so horrible. We go on vacation together, we go on cruises, we go to the beach, we have a blast!!! The more fun we have, the more resentment my stepdaughters have. They could be a part of our fun IF they could drop their hate. That's their choice.

But here's the bottom line. My husband picked me to share his money, his time and his life with. That's a commitment that will last until one of us dies. His relations with his kids can cease to exist once they turn into adults and the money is over. That's because, when ADULTS have relationships, both parties have to show respect or it won't work. When adults act like kids and make too many demands on the other party, without offering anything in return (like even phone calls about anything other than money), it becomes too easy for the person to walk away. And that is what my husband is doing, and the more he leaves them, the more peace and happiness we have. We are not tortured by my stepdaughter's actions. They are torturing themselves.

I hope you get the picture and I hope this helps somehow. I've been the resentful stepdaughter. That got me misery. Now I love the time I spend with both my dad and stepmother. I've also been the resented stepmother. Doesn't effect me that my stepdaughters choose to be bitter. It effects them though, a lot.

Oh yeah, and when they do things like talk about how much of OUR money they deserve, it only makes my husband choose to give them LESS. They are adults. They don't "deserve" a dime. They would get more if they were nice and caring members of our family. But since they only know how to scream and stomp their feet, they get very little.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

kathryn2009's picture

Mystery, yes I did know what

Mystery, yes I did know what I was getting into to a point when I finally married him a few months ago, however, his daughter was away at college and I naively thought their relationship was really pretty much over this time as far as her living with us ever again. And I thought too that once we were actually married it might be different. She wasn't speaking to him and inherited a bit of money from her other side of the family and so I thought well thats the last of her for a long long time. Apparently she didn't inherit as much as we thought because the second that she found out he sold his house and moved in with me, she was calling, texting, playing him like a fiddle. And now he says "Oh, I'm closer with her than I have ever been, I think she just realized how much she loved and missed me cuz I moved away and she thought I would always just be there for her in that house and not be married." " It has made us closer". He was giving her money within a month, "...but she didn't ask for it, I just knew she needed cash for books and so I gave her some". He has no idea how he is being soooo played. She just wanted to make sure that daddys girl wasn't forgotten. Well, nooo problem. But I will never feel anything towards her but resentment because of the way she treats me and my kids. She is self serving to no end. Their relationship is just take take take take on her part and never giving. She is no longer 7 or 12 or 15. She has all the rights and priveleges of an adult but NONE of the responsibility of one.
And Carol. YES YES YES YES!!!! There is a different set of STANDARDS for my kids versus his. Mine are expected to clean, have jobs, report in, etc....but his daughter can and does do just what the hell she wants when she wants with absolutely no consequences. He certainly would never sit at the kitchen table and listen to me rant and rave about her and her ways, etc....like he does about my kids. We can watch her be hateful, use her family, use her friends, be snooty, snotty, lazy, HAVE NO JOB AT ALL, but thats ok.....yeah....thats allright because she 'different'. There is always some ridiculous excuse. 'She's shy', 'her mother treats her like crap', 'you have to understand how hard it was for her when we got divorced when she was FIVE'. !!!!! HAHAHHAHAH What a damn joke. Her mother remarried immediately and she doesn't and never has gotten along with the step dad. I think to myself, 'hmmm,....could it be that she has always been spoiled rotten and overindulged and shallow and petty?.....hmmm..." hahahahha All she has pretty much ever known is them being divorced you know? Its not like she was a harmone-ridden teenager in the throws of rebellion when it happened. Oh well. I just think its like StepAside says, we need to just sequester, or partition, both those parts of our lives and forget the possibility of a happy life with all together. We are going to be buying a new house in a month or two and my daughter will move out on her own for college. (SHE has a job like my other girls) And with Princess back at college it should be smooth. When she comes home for visits (cuz she had to go away to a fancy college, the local ones werent good enough), she will no way stay with us becuase I'm there. She will stay with her mother and then ALLOW her dad to take her out to dinner or to see her grandparents, etc...I dread Christmas though, I think it will be that I have to go out of state with both of them away from my family to visit his. I think I will for sure carry a flask of Crown or Vodka to get through it. heehee

Mystery23's picture

I'm 26 year old stepdaugther

I'm 26 year old stepdaugther and not way would I involve my 2 brothers that dad has with how I feel about stepmum. They should never have to see dad mum and there halfsis/bro fight.

no fairytale's picture

I am sorry to hear everyone

I am sorry to hear everyone goes through the same issues however, it does feel better knowing I am not alone..lol

Princess called her dad this morning apparently little dog (which pees everywhere and yelps all the time) balls dont look at pink as they did before (I know that is a joke in its self) so she wants daddy to pay $200 for vet bill to take him in. Also, she owes the school $500 and does not have it due to the fact she came home to her mothers for 2 weeks and does not have the money. She was out shopping the entire time.
So, I got the call from BF to break the money issue to me. I have recently and JUST recently learned to just say oh ok.. I am so tired of arguing with him about her all the time.

I have really found much relief since I found this website and hear everyones stories and know I am not crazy or alone.
Thanks to everyone!! (even the comments I dont like so much) -)

Breathe in, Breathe Out, Move on - Jimmy Buffett

StepAside's picture

I'm not surprised. I have

I'm not surprised. I have similar stories, some in the thousands, not hundreds. Funny, we're paying the rent for the 21 yr old (who is in her 3rd year of CC) and she's mad because we don't give her more $$$. Warning to the wise... NO amount is EVER enough.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

kk's picture

kk Honey I couldn't said it

kk
Honey I couldn't said it better my 38 y.o.SD still "just can't make it" and periodically moves in with friends, boyfriends, family (mother once and father's sister now since June 09). I've put up with her for 20+ years. She won't lower herself to work for minimum wage because she is a physical trainer who can charge $65 hour yet she has never worked more than 18 hours a week."It's just so hard"... She takes off to go on vacations to Europe with her 13 yo daughter 2x in last 2 yr, for 3 weeks or more each time. Takes off for vacations to visit family or friends either in Indy or Florida at least 2x year. Yet "she just can't make it", no matter that her dad has retired with fixed income now, he had cancer and chemo last year and I have recurring tumors which cause increased BP and recurring life saving surgeries. She calls us as she is desperate and he will borrow it to "loan" it to her while she still owes us $5000 from the last loan that she insists I told her was a gift! The lies, the blackmail as she moves to keep us from granddaughter and her (the evil step mother who finally called said my wallet is closed). Now I'm jealous of her and spreading lies about her to the family.
I've gone through the my son not measuring up, yet he works 40-60 hours a week, never asks for money owns a home(he qualified for)and two cars paid for has a wife and two kids. All that he proclaims are his values and principles. So when I object to being her wallet yet again it's because I don't like her and if my son were to be come unemployed (not of his own making) he will remember that we didn't "help" SD so he will not get any either. (As though there is anything left).
After my refusal to borrow money for the princess again he told her that we have our own financial problems and he just couldn't do it. Of course, I'm getting the cold shoulder from him now, as he feels bad.
Word to the wise there are communities where you must be 50 plus to live there, to stop the threat of the revolving door " GD and SD can't make it and need to move in". Sooner or later these little leeches will show up on your collectively owned property wanting to move in, ignore you, lie about you, sit in "daddy's lap", claim status as "always Daddy's little girl" and generally make SM life hell. Look out for yourself as these "little girls" may never be allowed to grow up by anyone. No one will marry her as they see her entitled "little princess" behavior and leave her high and dry, hopefully not pregnant again.
The quotes about emotional "blackmail" were helpful for me. Thanks!!

kk short for katty kat

Mystery23's picture

Sorry meant to reply to

Sorry meant to reply to another post.