I heard this on a local morning radio talk show yesterday and thought I'd throw it out in the forums to get your thoughts. Personally, it blew my mind that a parent would do this. OK, here it is:
A mother called into the show to discuss what her ex-husband allowed their fifteen-year-old son to do during one of his weekend visitations. The ex-husband allowed their son to bring his girlfriend along to spend the weekend with them. It wasn't like he had her sleeping on the couch or in a spare bedroom either. They were allowed to sleep in the same room, overnight and unsupervised!!
The mother was livid about the whole thing, like any self-respecting parent should be. To top it off, after she got mad and confronted her ex about it, her ex convinced their son that his mother was just being mean and that she was out of line for complaining about it.
Sounds like her ex-husband is pulling this to turn his son against his mother. It is obviously putting the ex-husband in a better light to the son. At least is would seem so.
Oh, and get this, some of the radio listeners called in and were supporting the ex-husband! Their common reasoning was that if the teenager were already sexually active they would rather have the teenager in their house where they could control it!!!
Wow, are parents so naive these days to think that if their teenager is already sexually active that allowing it to occur in their house will somehow make it better? First of all, if your teenager is already sexually active, you've already failed as a parent. Second, if you think that allowing it to happen under your roof in a "controlled" environment will make it better you're a moron. All you are doing is encouraging them to continue. And if you think that allowing it in your house will prevent it from happening in other places....well, you should probably find a good parenting class and while you're at it find yourself a decent family counselor.
Not to mention the legality of the whole situation. Her ex-husband has just set himself up to lose visitation (or worse) for knowingly allowing his minor son to engage in a sexual act with another minor. I wonder if the parents of the girl even knew where she was for the weekend. They probably (I hope) thought she was at another (girl) friend's house.
No wonder kids these days are turning out the way they are. Not to mention the teenage pregnancy rate. Hell, the parents are encouraging it!
So, what do you think?
I Partially Agree
I agree with you in the part that I would not allow a girl/boy sleep over. Especailly in the same room. No Way!
However, sometimes teenagers are going to do things even though they have good parents that are teaching them good morals. They are influenced by t.v., movies and peer pressure. This day and age, I don't think that you can say that if your teen is having sex, that you are a bad parent. I mean, we have already had to tell my 10 year old stepson that he is too young to have a "girlfriend". He isn't interested in girls yet, but that is all the kids at school talk about. It is crazy!! They need to be focusing on school and being a kid!
The Ex-husband that you described is not helping his son by letting him do this in his home. He may be a bad parent but the mother doesn't agree and probably preached abstinence to her son. So the son made a choice. Maybe a bad choice. So I wouldn't say that the mother was a bad parent.
So, what do you do if the teens parents are split and one allows this behavior and one doesn't? I'd be curious to know how that story pans out.
Bottom line is, I fear that my stepson's mother will let him to things like that at her house or at least not pay attention enough to know what he is doing! That doesn't make my husband and I bad parents, does it?
Dawn
coed sleepovers were never a
coed sleepovers were never a problem for my kids. raising them in what i believe was the correct way, they all learned from a young age on what was correct and what was wrong. when it got time for them to have sleepovers throughout high school, and ESPECIALLY after prom, I was the first to accept it in my home.
Now, i know many people are set in their ways, so no matter what i say will change their mind about anything, so i just wish to post my views about this.
First off, especially after occasions such as prom, it is a great idea for a parent to set up the after-party. This will allow you to moderate what they do, making sure nothing gets out of control (whats the alternative... letting them stay in a hotel where you wont ever know what happens???). I remember what i did. My friends and I got into a hotel and got piss drunk.
To generalize all teenagers as immature is wrong. I kept my virginity up until 23 when i married. I also participated in coed sleepovers w/ girlfriends of mine at the time. At most, we cuddled and/or made out. I was taught by my parents the limits of what i should hold to, and you know what.. i agreed with them.
What are they thinking ??!!
I have had to deal with this issue also - "coed sleepovers". I have two stepsons and a bio son and daughter - all between 18 and 21 years old. During high school some parents allowed their kids to have these coed sleepovers - usually following a big event like homecoming or prom. Once I forbade my daughter to attend and the mom hosting the event called me and said that she was just trying to give all the kids a safe and supervised place to crash after prom. I thought that was great but I still would not agree to let my daughter attend. So the mom said she would make the boys leave when "sleeping time" came so then I let daughter go.
I dealt with his a few times and I just had to take each situation individually and assess if it was "safe". But each time I felt like saying "SHEESH! What are these parents thinking to condone this? Why can't all parents be sensible like me???"
Exactly!!
I think the reason I have a stepson to begin with is because biomom's mom let her boyfriend (my now husband), sleep over. Biomom was 19 at the time.
Yes, that's right! My stepson was conceived on the floor of his Grandmother's living room! Gross!!
It isn't going to happen in my house, I'll tell you that! No way!! No boy, girl sleepovers!!
Dawn
Sometimes it **IS** supervised and OK
When my daughter was a high school senior, the parents of a guy friend of hers offered to have the prom "after party" at their house. Basically both boys and girls were going to stay all night. They had a meeting to inform all of us parents and the set up was this: 1) only kids on the invite list could enter the house (about 50 kids) 2) they had to arrive by 1 AM (prom ended at a downtown hotel at midnight) 3) everyone got a pre-printed special yellow t-shirt once they entered and they put them on to be easily identified as an invited kid 4) parent chaperones were present (they signed up volunteers at the parent info meeting 5) alcohol WAS provided (in an effort to get all the kids to attend this "safe" party versus other non suprervised parties) 6) nobody was allowed to leave once they arrived (to prevent drunk driving).
I actually thought this was a great setup and I agreed to let my daughter attend. My daughter took a lot of photos and shared them with me later - the kids had a blast. The wife at the house had worked at the school for years and I recognized her. All parents had to sign a paper stating that they understood that alcohol was provided. My daughter was going to prom with a "friend" not boyfriend so I wasn't too worried about sex, but realistically, if they are having sex, prom night is probably not the first time! Anyway it seemed like a safe place to be after prom - otherwise the kids would rent hotel rooms and drink and be unsupervised.
So I think that you can't categorically rule out all coed sleepovers. But you have to check it out with the parents at the house. Sometimes it is OK sometimes not.
Let me get this straight...
...you condone teenagers having sex, or at least feel that you can't possibly raise a child to have the morals and intelligence to wait until they're old enough to handle the potential consequences of having sex. That would be too hard and take too much time. Did you provide fresh beds and free condoms also? We wouldn't be good parents if we allowed our teenagers to have sex in dirty hotel beds and without condoms! So exactly when is it OK to allow teenagers to have sex anyway?
Oh yeah, and you encourage under-age drinking to boot. Do you realize that not only were you encouraging and condoning under-age drinking, you were all (every parent that signed that paper) breaking most state's laws by contributing to the delinquency of minors by providing alcohol to minors. I guess you're lucky nobody found out and called the police.
You forgot to mention the drugs. You know, our kids will be out smoking weed and popping pills anyway. Might as well buy the good stuff and make sure they don't take too much at a time. Maybe if we give them the best drugs they won't have to buy the crap from the guy on the corner. Who knows what he puts in it, right? At least my kid will be taking drugs safely! Jeez!
I just can't believe that just because you think that the teenagers would be drinking and having sex anyway you might as well provide a "safe" place to drink and have sex. So then what do you do to prevent it from happening at all? Or are you even trying anymore? Sounds like you've lost control and/or respect of your children so you've given up on morals and ethical behavior. You know, just because you give them a "safe" place to drink, use and have sex does *NOT* mean that they'll not do it somewhere else. Holy crap! I think some people actually believe that!
I think it's pretty obvious why there is such a problem with teenage pregnancy and teenage deaths due to drinking and driving. They're parents are "cool" and allow them to drink and have sex. It's a problem with the parents people, not the children. Wake up.
Chow.
...you condone teenagers
...you condone teenagers having sex,
Didn't sound that way to me.
or at least feel that you can't possibly raise a child to have the morals and intelligence to wait until they're old enough to handle the potential consequences of having sex.
What makes you so sure that no teenagers are old enough to understand the potential consequences? I believe that some are, and I know that many adults aren't. There's nothing magical about turning 18 years of age. It's just a rough approximation of maturity that we have agreed on because we have to have some sort of legal definition. Ideally, parents should be smart enough and involved enough with their kids to be able to make an individual judgment -- and it sounds like that's exactly what this person did.
So exactly when is it OK to allow teenagers to have sex anyway?
When a sufficiently involved and responsible parent makes the judgment call that it is OK.
Oh yeah, and you encourage under-age drinking to boot.
In a controlled and adult-supervised environment, where the dangerous consequences can be prevented.
Do you realize that not only were you encouraging and condoning under-age drinking, you were all (every parent that signed that paper) breaking most state's laws by contributing to the delinquency of minors by providing alcohol to minors.
Not necessarily. Many states allow minors to legally have moderate quantities of alcohol if their parents permit it.
You forgot to mention the drugs.
Perhaps because there weren't any.
You know, our kids will be out smoking weed and popping pills anyway. Might as well buy the good stuff and make sure they don't take too much at a time.
Oh, I see. You were just making a ridiculous leap of logic to support your personal disapproval of this parent's decision.
Please, carry on.
Sounds like you've lost control and/or respect of your children so you've given up on morals and ethical behavior.
Sounds to me like she (or he?) has a great deal of control, and is exercising his/her morals and ethicals in a realistic, intelligent way, instead of substituting them for the simplistic board-game rules that people like you like to call "ethics" and "morals".
I think it's pretty obvious why there is such a problem with teenage pregnancy and teenage deaths due to drinking and driving.
I'm sure you do. Thinking something and being right about it, however, are two entirely different things.
Open for a HUGE Lawsuit
People who provide this party open themselves up to a HUGE lawsuit. First of all in my state drinking is illegal under the age of 21. So the person is breaking the law allowing minors to drink in their home. God forbid anyone actually injures themself while being drunk in the home of the person providing this party.
I get your point but still I don't approve.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
I must be conservative
I would really have a problem allowing under age drinking. I don't approve of it and wouldn't want to condone it even though I know teens do it. I know I would be the uncool parent/step parent but I just can't jump on that bandwagon. I don't think it is a good thing in any situation.
Dawn
I'm with you
See my response to Mimi below. I am so not the cool mom/SM right now. BUT....
I happen to believe the words cool and parent are in fact oxymorons;) I don't remember seeing "cool" in the job description.
Peace, love, and red wine
Me 2
Not in my home and not with my permission. Let the teenagers sneak around but they aren't going to do that with my blessing.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
law
In Minnesota, several cities have a hosting ordinance and if you are supplying alcohol to minors its a big deal. Mankato just inacted theirs. It is a college town and several students of the college have died in the past fews months due to alcohol related incidents.
One young lady celebrating her 21st died the next morning. She was like 100 pounds and had a blood alcohol level of like .455. I looked into her record - public information -and found she had a least on DWI and one underage consumption violation before she was 21. Per the local paper, her parents are planning to sue the bar where she was served. I think her friends are just as liable and I feel her prior history of drinking - her friends admitted she drank to excess at least 100 times in 2007.
Scary stuff!
I think you misunderstood
I do not condone teenage sex, drinking, or drugs. The party was chaperoned by the parents. All of us had to sign up for at least 2 hours - most of the night there were a dozen or more parents and we were with the kids the whole night. There was no drugs and no sex - the whole point was to keep the kids in a safe place where we could see what they were doing. Here is what they were doing: playing ping pong, swimming in the pool and hot tub, dancing and playing karyoke, and laughing. There were no drugs etc. I stick by my position that I was glad my daughter was at a well supervised party instead of the Holiday Inn where the rest of the students were.
yes, i think she said alchohol was provided
Alchohol was provided so the signed paper states... just not drugs or condoms haha. geesh..i guess the new and improved parenting is bribing your kids with alchohol to ~come on home~ ..hilarious.
Bottom line
You wanted a controlled situation that was acceptable and fun to aND FOR THE KIDS. Sounds like you achieved your goal! Drinking socially and not getting out of control is a learned skill. These kids will be in college in 3 months and hopefully will have learned that!
I'm with Nellie and Sande
I myself had one of the co-ed partys at my home for my SS and about 10 of his friends after prom. My husband and I agreed that we would rather them be in our home with no keys to leave than out in a pasture somewhere drinking and then driving home. Which had we not agreed to let them come to our home is where they had planned to be. There was beer, no drugs and no sex. We had a "couple" try to go into our extra room, but as soon as I seen the door shut I was right there telling them OUT! Then went into the living area and informed all of the other "kids" that there would be no sex in my home. They all enjoyed themselves, stayed safe and respected my hubby and I the more for our "rules".
I Know I am going to catch a lot of Flak...
When I was a teenager,( early to mid 80's, Yes I'm THAT OLD...lol ) My Parents allowed Co-ed Sleepovers for Holiday Parties, Halloween, and Christmas.
The Key was, My Mother and Aunt slept across the Doorways of The Dining Room where the Girls slept,and the Guys were in the Living Room. We were restricted to the first floor, and any of us
(especially the kids that lived there or were "adopted" would have got a SERIOUS ASS WHUPPIN' by Mommy Dearest, FIRST, then Dad, or as soon as Their Parents got dragged out of bed, or whatever, to come and pick them up. We had a blast, stayed up late, etc.
If it is supervised carefully, I Don't see where there would be a problem.
I hate to break such cherished illusions, but if kids want to drink, smoke or have sex, THEY WILL FIND A WAY...
Didn't We all find ways and places to do whatever We wanted at that age?
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
NO!
I know that they will do it if they want but don't you think that it would look like I condoned it if they were doing it on my living room floor?
I will never, ever allow a co-ed sleepover. I don't care if that makes me uncool.
You see, I feel very strongly about this. This is how my Dh got mixed up the his ex and how she ended up pregnant at 19. By her mother letting Dh sleep over on their living room floor.
Dawn
Ps: No flak, just my opinion
Hmmmm.
I actually waited until I was eighteen to have sex but that is another story. At eighteen my GYN told me I was in the wrong for being sexually active and was really insulting to me. Arrgh.
My husband, then BF, daughter was raging out of control with meth and having sex with a major meth addict. She would leave for three weeks and come home when the drug scene got old. There was never any real consequences for her actions and it was chaos.
With all this going on my husband didn't want to allow her to have birth control because it seemed permissive. The school ended up orviding it to her without her custodial parent's permission. So when she stopped going to school husband still didn't want to provide birth control shots because HE didn't want to be permissive.
Fast forward to present. SD is now raising the baby she conceived while on meth with the criminally violent Father. She didn't stop using until after she found out she was pregnant which means the baby may still be affected and noone will know for years and years how much. Meth babies sometimes have learning problems among other things.
I think this is an absolute travesty. My husband's other kids do not act like this even as teenagers. They were all raised better than that. At some level the teen has made a personal choice. Unfortunately the baby is going to pay for it.
I think in some situations that damage control is appropriate and if it had been my own daughter that out of control I would have enabled her to stay on birth control.
Just my two cents.
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco
I WONDER
I wonder if the young girl in this situation, if HER parents know this went on.... and what they think. Did they ALLOW her to spend the night at her boyfriends house? Did she lie??? Either way, sounds like at this rate... they are ALL going to be grandparents much sooner than any of them thought.
Ah, man... come on!!
Ah, man... come on!!
How come a parent "fails" his role by allowing his son to have sex?? It´s going to happened sooner or later. Are you telling me that you rather have your son having sex at someone´s party or at some lousy motel than in your own home??
This is so stupid and hypocrite! Sex is a natural thing! get over it!!
And fifteen is not that young anymore... kids are growing up faster and want experience everything they can! And, as a parent there is NOTHING you can do to stop their biological clock... So why not just let them be happy and comfortable with their own sexuality instead of terrorizing them about sex??
I find it so funny how some parents think their sons have some sort of "expiration date" when they will be allowed to behave as adults...
This is so lame...
No F*#king way, pun intended.
We are going through this right now. BM lets 16SD's boyfriend sleep over in the same room. BM also lets 14SD's lesbian girlfriend sleepover in the same room. I WANT TO PUKE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. It's unacceptable at these ages. BF & I are sick to our stomaches over this one.
At least SD16 confided in me. I talked with her about birth control. She told me she was using the pull out method. I nearly went deaf when I heard that one. Anyway, I schooled her on that.
Just my 2 cents. Jo
I had a girlfriend in high
I had a girlfriend in high school that had parents that allowed her boyfriend to spend every weekend at there house. They even slept in the same bed. She was 15 and so was he. BIG SURPRISE but she was a MOM at 15 too. The guy and his family split. I mean literally. His dad was a preacher and had a church he ran. They trusted that there son could avoid temptation. Well he didn't. ANd when my friend turned up preggo. His family was so embarassed they moved across the country and opened a new church far away, where noone knew there dirty secret. My friend was left to raise this child alone. Sad story! But true!
Co Ed No Way
Hi, had to weigh in on this one. I think that this falls into the same camp as allowing underage drinking or smoking in your home. Some parents think that it's okay because at least you're providing a safe environment for the kids but I strongly disagree. I think that it sends the message that the smoking, drinking and sex are okay activities for teens and the truth is that they are not. Teens aren't ready to handle the responsibilties of sex and are not ready for the emotional involvement. Glynne
I dnt agree with this at all
I' 15 and i've been with a guy for 2 years, the other night i asked my mum if he could sleep over, we haven't had sex yet and aren't planning on it either as he's a christian and doesn't agree with underage sex but yet his parents let him. My parents of course went mad but personally it's pathetic. I no parents wer brought up with it not being allowed but things are different now!! the only reason me nd my boyfriend want to sleep over is so we can spend more time with each other instead of having to go home before nine every effing night!! plus if your worried about your kids having sex then stop it cos its pointless if they're gonna they're effing gonna for god sake i'm not going to but if i was i'd do it. my mum's only reason for saying no was that 'it doesnt feel right' pretty effing lame if you ask me! parents need to realise that we're not living in the 70's no more and things have changed. Plus all my friends are allowed to n ther parents are fine with it. Im not gonna let this go with my parents either and now i'm staying out late doing watever the hell i like because they need to no that nothing they can say will stop me so all you parents who agree with this stupid woman get it sorted out
Living in the 70's
RLMAO!!!! Gotta love it!!! Girl you don't know what went on in the 70's. I lived the 70's and trust me on this one it wasn't the Leave It To Beaver days (If you know who that is). The very same things went on then. This was a time of LSD, pot smoking, free love. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I DON"T CONDONE IT.
My friends ruined their lives with early pregnancies and a few burned their brains out at an early age. The very people who believed in "free love" well they didn't get far in life. I can't wait for some of these think they know it all teenagers to grow up, get a job to support themselves, and THEN do whatever the hell they want. You have a rude awakening when you are grown little one.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
Proves my point
Actually, what anonymous said just proved my point. Glynne
LITTLE GIRL, WHAT PART OF STEP PARENTS DON'T YOU GET?
I was a much less than ideal 15 year old, but I KNEW the difference between Adult ONLY and Kids allowed FORUMS. GO PLAY WITH YOUR BARBIE DOLLS AND STAY OUT OF GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS !!! Your Parents oughta spank Your Foolish little behind 'til it glws in the dark !
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
Steve
OMG TOO FUNNY!
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
Todays Kids
Haha ! A discussion near & dear to my heart. My hubby just gave our 21 yr old & his girlfriend the speech on sleeping together in our house. We know they have had more wild sex then we probably will ever have...We understand it's not the 70's anymore, we didn't have the exposure to sex, drugs, alchohol (with a few exceptions)like kids do these days. It's referenced on almost every sitcom at 8:00 each night and every song they listen to. Society has pressured parent's of the new millineum into dealing with these subjects in ways our parents never had to. Here's the reason we make rules about doing drugs/alcohol and having sex in our home; If we make it a conformtable enviroment to do 'adult' activities in our home, what's their incentive for ever wanting to leave? What will they have to deal with as moral issues with their children? It's our job as parents to raise our kids into respectable, responsible, productive, independent human beings with strong ideals, morals and fundamentals. Kids today are staying in 'kid' mentality too long. Some kids are not figuring this out until their 30's these days. Many parent's are raising their kids babies - is this OK? What works for some parents may not work for others. I applaud all parents who are having indepth discussions about these topics on a regular basis with their kids starting at the age of 10.... Sad. Sincerely, Seasoned Stepmom
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