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Parents Allowing Teens to Sleep Together

SympatheticBioDad's picture

I heard this on a local morning radio talk show yesterday and thought I'd throw it out in the forums to get your thoughts. Personally, it blew my mind that a parent would do this. OK, here it is:

A mother called into the show to discuss what her ex-husband allowed their fifteen-year-old son to do during one of his weekend visitations. The ex-husband allowed their son to bring his girlfriend along to spend the weekend with them. It wasn't like he had her sleeping on the couch or in a spare bedroom either. They were allowed to sleep in the same room, overnight and unsupervised!!

The mother was livid about the whole thing, like any self-respecting parent should be. To top it off, after she got mad and confronted her ex about it, her ex convinced their son that his mother was just being mean and that she was out of line for complaining about it.

Sounds like her ex-husband is pulling this to turn his son against his mother. It is obviously putting the ex-husband in a better light to the son. At least is would seem so.

Oh, and get this, some of the radio listeners called in and were supporting the ex-husband! Their common reasoning was that if the teenager were already sexually active they would rather have the teenager in their house where they could control it!!!

Wow, are parents so naive these days to think that if their teenager is already sexually active that allowing it to occur in their house will somehow make it better? First of all, if your teenager is already sexually active, you've already failed as a parent. Second, if you think that allowing it to happen under your roof in a "controlled" environment will make it better you're a moron. All you are doing is encouraging them to continue. And if you think that allowing it in your house will prevent it from happening in other places....well, you should probably find a good parenting class and while you're at it find yourself a decent family counselor.

Not to mention the legality of the whole situation. Her ex-husband has just set himself up to lose visitation (or worse) for knowingly allowing his minor son to engage in a sexual act with another minor. I wonder if the parents of the girl even knew where she was for the weekend. They probably (I hope) thought she was at another (girl) friend's house.

No wonder kids these days are turning out the way they are. Not to mention the teenage pregnancy rate. Hell, the parents are encouraging it!

So, what do you think?

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I agree with you in the part that I would not allow a girl/boy sleep over. Especailly in the same room. No Way!

However, sometimes teenagers are going to do things even though they have good parents that are teaching them good morals. They are influenced by t.v., movies and peer pressure. This day and age, I don't think that you can say that if your teen is having sex, that you are a bad parent. I mean, we have already had to tell my 10 year old stepson that he is too young to have a "girlfriend". He isn't interested in girls yet, but that is all the kids at school talk about. It is crazy!! They need to be focusing on school and being a kid!

The Ex-husband that you described is not helping his son by letting him do this in his home. He may be a bad parent but the mother doesn't agree and probably preached abstinence to her son. So the son made a choice. Maybe a bad choice. So I wouldn't say that the mother was a bad parent.

So, what do you do if the teens parents are split and one allows this behavior and one doesn't? I'd be curious to know how that story pans out.

Bottom line is, I fear that my stepson's mother will let him to things like that at her house or at least not pay attention enough to know what he is doing! That doesn't make my husband and I bad parents, does it?

Dawn

newman's picture

coed sleepovers were never a problem for my kids. raising them in what i believe was the correct way, they all learned from a young age on what was correct and what was wrong. when it got time for them to have sleepovers throughout high school, and ESPECIALLY after prom, I was the first to accept it in my home.

Now, i know many people are set in their ways, so no matter what i say will change their mind about anything, so i just wish to post my views about this.

First off, especially after occasions such as prom, it is a great idea for a parent to set up the after-party. This will allow you to moderate what they do, making sure nothing gets out of control (whats the alternative... letting them stay in a hotel where you wont ever know what happens???). I remember what i did. My friends and I got into a hotel and got piss drunk.

To generalize all teenagers as immature is wrong. I kept my virginity up until 23 when i married. I also participated in coed sleepovers w/ girlfriends of mine at the time. At most, we cuddled and/or made out. I was taught by my parents the limits of what i should hold to, and you know what.. i agreed with them.

beaujouan19's picture

I am not a parent, I am a 16 year old young woman who is in a relationship with a 17 year old young man. My parents are very pleased with our relationship and my mother in particular respects us and trusts us. The only thing that she is not comfortable with is the fact that I would like to start sleeping with my other half. I've tried to explain to her that we would both be very respectful in sleeping together (meaning no sexual intercourse or anything a long the lines of that), when someone gives you a cookie, you don't take the whole bag. I also mentioned it's not for the sexual pleasure, it is simply for the feeling of security and comfort that he gives me when sleeping with him. She agrees that I am mature for my age and have shown much responsibility and respect beyond my years that she still does not see today in her own age group, but she mentioned the legality of the situation. Her explanation of it didn't quite make sense to me, if anyone could enlighten me on the legal stance of minors sleeping together in NH that would be great. I would really like to understand further why I can't sleep in the same bed as my other half.

Nellie's picture

I have had to deal with this issue also - "coed sleepovers". I have two stepsons and a bio son and daughter - all between 18 and 21 years old. During high school some parents allowed their kids to have these coed sleepovers - usually following a big event like homecoming or prom. Once I forbade my daughter to attend and the mom hosting the event called me and said that she was just trying to give all the kids a safe and supervised place to crash after prom. I thought that was great but I still would not agree to let my daughter attend. So the mom said she would make the boys leave when "sleeping time" came so then I let daughter go.

I dealt with his a few times and I just had to take each situation individually and assess if it was "safe". But each time I felt like saying "SHEESH! What are these parents thinking to condone this? Why can't all parents be sensible like me???"
Smile

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I think the reason I have a stepson to begin with is because biomom's mom let her boyfriend (my now husband), sleep over. Biomom was 19 at the time.

Yes, that's right! My stepson was conceived on the floor of his Grandmother's living room! Gross!!

It isn't going to happen in my house, I'll tell you that! No way!! No boy, girl sleepovers!!

Dawn

sephorria's picture

Well said! There is a name for the ones who think the "coed sleepovers" are normal ---- grandparents! You would not believe how many freshman girls have babies at the school where I teach. The school even provides day care and has a special "mommy bus" to pick them up. Talk about enabling!

Some days it's just not worth chewing through the straps.

Nellie's picture

When my daughter was a high school senior, the parents of a guy friend of hers offered to have the prom "after party" at their house. Basically both boys and girls were going to stay all night. They had a meeting to inform all of us parents and the set up was this: 1) only kids on the invite list could enter the house (about 50 kids) 2) they had to arrive by 1 AM (prom ended at a downtown hotel at midnight) 3) everyone got a pre-printed special yellow t-shirt once they entered and they put them on to be easily identified as an invited kid 4) parent chaperones were present (they signed up volunteers at the parent info meeting 5) alcohol WAS provided (in an effort to get all the kids to attend this "safe" party versus other non suprervised parties) 6) nobody was allowed to leave once they arrived (to prevent drunk driving).

I actually thought this was a great setup and I agreed to let my daughter attend. My daughter took a lot of photos and shared them with me later - the kids had a blast. The wife at the house had worked at the school for years and I recognized her. All parents had to sign a paper stating that they understood that alcohol was provided. My daughter was going to prom with a "friend" not boyfriend so I wasn't too worried about sex, but realistically, if they are having sex, prom night is probably not the first time! Anyway it seemed like a safe place to be after prom - otherwise the kids would rent hotel rooms and drink and be unsupervised.

So I think that you can't categorically rule out all coed sleepovers. But you have to check it out with the parents at the house. Sometimes it is OK sometimes not.

...you condone teenagers having sex, or at least feel that you can't possibly raise a child to have the morals and intelligence to wait until they're old enough to handle the potential consequences of having sex. That would be too hard and take too much time. Did you provide fresh beds and free condoms also? We wouldn't be good parents if we allowed our teenagers to have sex in dirty hotel beds and without condoms! So exactly when is it OK to allow teenagers to have sex anyway?

Oh yeah, and you encourage under-age drinking to boot. Do you realize that not only were you encouraging and condoning under-age drinking, you were all (every parent that signed that paper) breaking most state's laws by contributing to the delinquency of minors by providing alcohol to minors. I guess you're lucky nobody found out and called the police.

You forgot to mention the drugs. You know, our kids will be out smoking weed and popping pills anyway. Might as well buy the good stuff and make sure they don't take too much at a time. Maybe if we give them the best drugs they won't have to buy the crap from the guy on the corner. Who knows what he puts in it, right? At least my kid will be taking drugs safely! Jeez!

I just can't believe that just because you think that the teenagers would be drinking and having sex anyway you might as well provide a "safe" place to drink and have sex. So then what do you do to prevent it from happening at all? Or are you even trying anymore? Sounds like you've lost control and/or respect of your children so you've given up on morals and ethical behavior. You know, just because you give them a "safe" place to drink, use and have sex does *NOT* mean that they'll not do it somewhere else. Holy crap! I think some people actually believe that!

I think it's pretty obvious why there is such a problem with teenage pregnancy and teenage deaths due to drinking and driving. They're parents are "cool" and allow them to drink and have sex. It's a problem with the parents people, not the children. Wake up.

Chow.

Anonymous's picture

...you condone teenagers having sex,

Didn't sound that way to me.

or at least feel that you can't possibly raise a child to have the morals and intelligence to wait until they're old enough to handle the potential consequences of having sex.

What makes you so sure that no teenagers are old enough to understand the potential consequences? I believe that some are, and I know that many adults aren't. There's nothing magical about turning 18 years of age. It's just a rough approximation of maturity that we have agreed on because we have to have some sort of legal definition. Ideally, parents should be smart enough and involved enough with their kids to be able to make an individual judgment -- and it sounds like that's exactly what this person did.

So exactly when is it OK to allow teenagers to have sex anyway?

When a sufficiently involved and responsible parent makes the judgment call that it is OK.

Oh yeah, and you encourage under-age drinking to boot.

In a controlled and adult-supervised environment, where the dangerous consequences can be prevented.

Do you realize that not only were you encouraging and condoning under-age drinking, you were all (every parent that signed that paper) breaking most state's laws by contributing to the delinquency of minors by providing alcohol to minors.

Not necessarily. Many states allow minors to legally have moderate quantities of alcohol if their parents permit it.

You forgot to mention the drugs.

Perhaps because there weren't any.

You know, our kids will be out smoking weed and popping pills anyway. Might as well buy the good stuff and make sure they don't take too much at a time.

Oh, I see. You were just making a ridiculous leap of logic to support your personal disapproval of this parent's decision.

Please, carry on.

Sounds like you've lost control and/or respect of your children so you've given up on morals and ethical behavior.

Sounds to me like she (or he?) has a great deal of control, and is exercising his/her morals and ethicals in a realistic, intelligent way, instead of substituting them for the simplistic board-game rules that people like you like to call "ethics" and "morals".

I think it's pretty obvious why there is such a problem with teenage pregnancy and teenage deaths due to drinking and driving.

I'm sure you do. Thinking something and being right about it, however, are two entirely different things.

supersport's picture

You are very stupid if you allow this kind of behavior. Sex and drinking under adult supervision? Are you nuts!! You are setting yourselves up to be on a sex register and probaly as a tier 3 and jail time.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I would really have a problem allowing under age drinking. I don't approve of it and wouldn't want to condone it even though I know teens do it. I know I would be the uncool parent/step parent but I just can't jump on that bandwagon. I don't think it is a good thing in any situation.

Dawn

Sita Tara's picture

See my response to Mimi below. I am so not the cool mom/SM right now. BUT....

I happen to believe the words cool and parent are in fact oxymorons;) I don't remember seeing "cool" in the job description.

Peace, love, and red wine

smurfy1smile's picture

In Minnesota, several cities have a hosting ordinance and if you are supplying alcohol to minors its a big deal. Mankato just inacted theirs. It is a college town and several students of the college have died in the past fews months due to alcohol related incidents.

One young lady celebrating her 21st died the next morning. She was like 100 pounds and had a blood alcohol level of like .455. I looked into her record - public information -and found she had a least on DWI and one underage consumption violation before she was 21. Per the local paper, her parents are planning to sue the bar where she was served. I think her friends are just as liable and I feel her prior history of drinking - her friends admitted she drank to excess at least 100 times in 2007.

Scary stuff!

Nellie's picture

I do not condone teenage sex, drinking, or drugs. The party was chaperoned by the parents. All of us had to sign up for at least 2 hours - most of the night there were a dozen or more parents and we were with the kids the whole night. There was no drugs and no sex - the whole point was to keep the kids in a safe place where we could see what they were doing. Here is what they were doing: playing ping pong, swimming in the pool and hot tub, dancing and playing karyoke, and laughing. There were no drugs etc. I stick by my position that I was glad my daughter was at a well supervised party instead of the Holiday Inn where the rest of the students were.

finding my happy place's picture

Alchohol was provided so the signed paper states... just not drugs or condoms haha. geesh..i guess the new and improved parenting is bribing your kids with alchohol to ~come on home~ ..hilarious.

Sande's picture

You wanted a controlled situation that was acceptable and fun to aND FOR THE KIDS. Sounds like you achieved your goal! Drinking socially and not getting out of control is a learned skill. These kids will be in college in 3 months and hopefully will have learned that!

lylagarrett's picture

I myself had one of the co-ed partys at my home for my SS and about 10 of his friends after prom. My husband and I agreed that we would rather them be in our home with no keys to leave than out in a pasture somewhere drinking and then driving home. Which had we not agreed to let them come to our home is where they had planned to be. There was beer, no drugs and no sex. We had a "couple" try to go into our extra room, but as soon as I seen the door shut I was right there telling them OUT! Then went into the living area and informed all of the other "kids" that there would be no sex in my home. They all enjoyed themselves, stayed safe and respected my hubby and I the more for our "rules".

Susanna's picture

I actually waited until I was eighteen to have sex but that is another story. At eighteen my GYN told me I was in the wrong for being sexually active and was really insulting to me. Arrgh.

My husband, then BF, daughter was raging out of control with meth and having sex with a major meth addict. She would leave for three weeks and come home when the drug scene got old. There was never any real consequences for her actions and it was chaos.

With all this going on my husband didn't want to allow her to have birth control because it seemed permissive. The school ended up orviding it to her without her custodial parent's permission. So when she stopped going to school husband still didn't want to provide birth control shots because HE didn't want to be permissive.

Fast forward to present. SD is now raising the baby she conceived while on meth with the criminally violent Father. She didn't stop using until after she found out she was pregnant which means the baby may still be affected and noone will know for years and years how much. Meth babies sometimes have learning problems among other things.

I think this is an absolute travesty. My husband's other kids do not act like this even as teenagers. They were all raised better than that. At some level the teen has made a personal choice. Unfortunately the baby is going to pay for it.

I think in some situations that damage control is appropriate and if it had been my own daughter that out of control I would have enabled her to stay on birth control.

Just my two cents.

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

Daddysgirl's picture

I wonder if the young girl in this situation, if HER parents know this went on.... and what they think. Did they ALLOW her to spend the night at her boyfriends house? Did she lie??? Either way, sounds like at this rate... they are ALL going to be grandparents much sooner than any of them thought. :O

Daniel Scarpim's picture

Ah, man... come on!!

How come a parent "fails" his role by allowing his son to have sex?? It´s going to happened sooner or later. Are you telling me that you rather have your son having sex at someone´s party or at some lousy motel than in your own home??

This is so stupid and hypocrite! Sex is a natural thing! get over it!!
And fifteen is not that young anymore... kids are growing up faster and want experience everything they can! And, as a parent there is NOTHING you can do to stop their biological clock... So why not just let them be happy and comfortable with their own sexuality instead of terrorizing them about sex??

I find it so funny how some parents think their sons have some sort of "expiration date" when they will be allowed to behave as adults...

This is so lame...

Little Jo's picture

We are going through this right now. BM lets 16SD's boyfriend sleep over in the same room. BM also lets 14SD's lesbian girlfriend sleepover in the same room. I WANT TO PUKE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. It's unacceptable at these ages. BF & I are sick to our stomaches over this one.
At least SD16 confided in me. I talked with her about birth control. She told me she was using the pull out method. I nearly went deaf when I heard that one. Anyway, I schooled her on that.

Just my 2 cents. Jo

skye22's picture

I had a girlfriend in high school that had parents that allowed her boyfriend to spend every weekend at there house. They even slept in the same bed. She was 15 and so was he. BIG SURPRISE but she was a MOM at 15 too. The guy and his family split. I mean literally. His dad was a preacher and had a church he ran. They trusted that there son could avoid temptation. Well he didn't. ANd when my friend turned up preggo. His family was so embarassed they moved across the country and opened a new church far away, where noone knew there dirty secret. My friend was left to raise this child alone. Sad story! But true!

glynne's picture

Hi, had to weigh in on this one. I think that this falls into the same camp as allowing underage drinking or smoking in your home. Some parents think that it's okay because at least you're providing a safe environment for the kids but I strongly disagree. I think that it sends the message that the smoking, drinking and sex are okay activities for teens and the truth is that they are not. Teens aren't ready to handle the responsibilties of sex and are not ready for the emotional involvement. Glynne

Anonymous's picture

I' 15 and i've been with a guy for 2 years, the other night i asked my mum if he could sleep over, we haven't had sex yet and aren't planning on it either as he's a christian and doesn't agree with underage sex but yet his parents let him. My parents of course went mad but personally it's pathetic. I no parents wer brought up with it not being allowed but things are different now!! the only reason me nd my boyfriend want to sleep over is so we can spend more time with each other instead of having to go home before nine every effing night!! plus if your worried about your kids having sex then stop it cos its pointless if they're gonna they're effing gonna for god sake i'm not going to but if i was i'd do it. my mum's only reason for saying no was that 'it doesnt feel right' pretty effing lame if you ask me! parents need to realise that we're not living in the 70's no more and things have changed. Plus all my friends are allowed to n ther parents are fine with it. Im not gonna let this go with my parents either and now i'm staying out late doing watever the hell i like because they need to no that nothing they can say will stop me so all you parents who agree with this stupid woman get it sorted out

SM#1's picture

this post you made for yourself. You can look back and laugh about it with your poor parents in the future. Please tell me how you can "spend time" w/someone while you are sleeping? If you want to spend more time with your boyfriend than say that to your parents. I am sure that you will get a much better response from them. I bet, if they approve of the boy, that you could spend all day Sat and Sun with him. Sleeping next to someone does not get you more time w/them, anyways. Good luck on staying out and doing what ever you want.....I am sure your city that you live in has a curfew. Your parents might call the police on you.....it could get ugly.

BTW don't call anyone stupid for giving their honest opinion and looking for some help. It just makes you look foolish.

Is their any reason you are this site?? It doesn't quite seem like you are in the right place for sympathy...does it?

Rags's picture

and less time worrying about having sleepovers with your BF.

Trust me when I say that the reason why parents have issue with things like underage drinking and teen sex is that we have been there done that and many of us got far more than a T-shirt for doing it. Some of us ended up with YOU (teens that are obviously failing English and who have far worse judgement than we ever had).

I for one was in high school and college at the wonderful period at the end of the sexual revolution where AIDS had not yet taken off and with the exception of Herpes a shot in the butt would take care of any STDs that might crop up. That said, I lost a close friend to AIDS that he was exposed to at that time, other friends to drunk driving, alcohol over dose and have many friends who never did much better in English class than you appear to do. They are either on welfare or working for low wages some while raising their grand children by the children they themselves had before they were 18.

So, in stead of worrying about how clueless your parents are (and I assure you that they probably did things at your age that would make you blush) and spooning with your BF get your ass back to English class and learn the language so you can have a better future than squeezing out welfare babies and trying to pick the father of your next illegitimate child. Because at the rate you are going you will find my forecast of your future to be surprisingly accurate.

Though I hope for your sake that I am wrong.

Best regards,

LizzieA's picture

I don't know who you are or why you are on a stepparent site but you are obviously very naive. The only way two hormonal teens sleeping in the same bed won't have sex is if they are tied up. Are your parents feeding housing and clothing you? Then you need to respect them.

glynne's picture

Actually, what anonymous said just proved my point. Glynne

Haha ! A discussion near & dear to my heart. My hubby just gave our 21 yr old & his girlfriend the speech on sleeping together in our house. We know they have had more wild sex then we probably will ever have...We understand it's not the 70's anymore, we didn't have the exposure to sex, drugs, alchohol (with a few exceptions)like kids do these days. It's referenced on almost every sitcom at 8:00 each night and every song they listen to. Society has pressured parent's of the new millineum into dealing with these subjects in ways our parents never had to. Here's the reason we make rules about doing drugs/alcohol and having sex in our home; If we make it a conformtable enviroment to do 'adult' activities in our home, what's their incentive for ever wanting to leave? What will they have to deal with as moral issues with their children? It's our job as parents to raise our kids into respectable, responsible, productive, independent human beings with strong ideals, morals and fundamentals. Kids today are staying in 'kid' mentality too long. Some kids are not figuring this out until their 30's these days. Many parent's are raising their kids babies - is this OK? What works for some parents may not work for others. I applaud all parents who are having indepth discussions about these topics on a regular basis with their kids starting at the age of 10.... Sad. Sincerely, Seasoned Stepmom

Sita Tara's picture

I think you have hit closer to the problems we are facing as parents here than anyone else who is caught up on the symptoms of inflated ego, entitlement, and low self worth- ie sex drugs etc. Come one parents! The current culture HAS changed. But that doesn't mean to be a good parent we need to just lay down and take it.

I believe we have the toughest job ever. Kids are overly stimulated by toddlerhood in our current society, so they are trying more and more stimulating activities younger and younger. They are insatiable.

I don't believe it matters one bit if "everyone's doing it" you can still try to give your children the tools to know they are worth more than a popularity contest. Kids are hedonistic by nature. They will constantly look for the easier, more fun, more inappropriate way. But I don't believe that's because they are bad kids. They are no different than kids in past generations. We are all born with unlimited potential. But societal pressures are heavy, and the media's message makes kids not feel safe, loved, understood, valued unless they are all jumping off that proverbial bridge after all their peers. That same bridge our parents, grandparents, great grandparents warned us about. They think that being grown up will make them in control, safe, valued, loved etc. That once they are in control of their fate they will feel self worth. So they are pretending to be grown up by getting involved with things they are too young to handle. And then they are dealing with grown up consequences without the emotional maturity to handle it.

I am not and nor will I ever be convinced that condoning inappropriate behavior is the answer. It is tossing an instant gratification their way, which is something our generation of parents have been conditioned to do. Pacifying our kids to make sure they still rely on us, love us, value us...the cycle never ends.

Nothing's going to change until we wake up and take parenting back from the culture that surrounds us. As a "mean" "unfair" "other parents don't do what you two do" set of parents I gotta tell you, it's hard and lonely out here.

Peace, love, and red wine

tootsie's picture

Ok... It's official. My mind is blown. I think part of the problem with teenagers today is that we give them too much control, too much control over their own lives and too much control over our lives. For the love of GAWD, their brains aren't even through growing yet. they do not have the mental capacity (biologically speaking) to determine consequences, and make decisions based on them, or what is best for them, they are little more than a box of raging hormones and a mouth. (Please refer to blog posted at 2:44 p.m. above.) Little wonder the state of Texas has changed the official driving age from 16 to 18. It amazes me that so many parents have either "given up" on their teenagers or have succumbed to a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude. On the news recently, I saw a mother of a 13/14 year old WAILING because he had been arrested in the involvement of the shooting death of another teenager one night which resulted in the latter's death. The shooting occurred a couple of months ago during a weeknight, at about 3:00 in the morning. Of course, I'm thinking, "what in the Corndog Hell was that kid doing out at 3:00 in the morning on a school night anyway? with with a gun??? And Jesus H. Christ!!! Why was she on television WAILING!! Surely to GAWD she couldn't have been surprised. She should have seen it coming!! A little too late to give him an old-fashioned ass-bustin' now... NOW it's up to his defense attorney to try to explain things to the jury and hope for sympathy .... and leniency.....

Tootsie
"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"

Anonymous's picture

Come on people what your kids do in your house is your business, but just because someone else allows teens to sleep together doesn't mean you need to get your panties all in a bunch. Now I understand some kids aren't ready for sex or a strong relationship BUT SOME ARE. My older sister has been with her husband for almost fifteen years and they got together when she was fifteen and yes they slept in the same bed. I on the other hand was not ready for that at the same age and it screwed my relationships up for a couple of years. The point is some kids mature differently and are mature enough to handle it. I'm all for sticking to your beliefs but their YOUR BELIEFS its bullshit to force them on other people and call them incapable parents just because they have different morals.Also, how can people be so appalled with sex and alcohol? Remember the &0's REMEMBER the 80'S todays kids don't know wiled I've seen people party three weeks strait with only breakfast a shower and a couple hours o fbitchen and puken in beetween thier drunkeness. So just be thankful we're in better times yes i said it BETTER TIMES.

Just my opinion

Frog44's picture

Everyone has valid reasons why or why not. Personally, I don't agree with with the having boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Actually, this is how hubby and BM ended up parents at 17 and 18.

BM allowed this with the kids - and we had 2 uh oh, I think I might be.... scares with one SD. The first uh oh, resulted in BM throwing her out of the house. Go figure, BM condoned the behavior and then BM threw her out at the first uh oh. Well, the good thing was that her dad and I accepted SD and the situation. We weren't overjoyed, but what are you going to do, disown her? Spoke volumes over the "get out, you're not my daughter."

Personally, my hubby and I did not condoned this with our kids. If the kids wanted a BF/GF over, fine, but after a certain time - they go home, sorry. Of course BM thought we were crazy and that NOTHING would EVER happen. (see above!) But that's just the way I was raised. And with hubby, he was hoping that they wouldn't become parents as young as he did!

Not Provided's picture

So despite what someone said about this being an adult form, I figured I'd add my own two cents anyways. I'm a seventeen year old girl and I am in a very good relationship with my boyfriend. I'm on birth control for medical reasons, but also just in case something happens, I'd rather be protected. My boyfriends' parents allow me to sleep over, when they are there, and when they aren't, and its not like we're having wild sex or anything. Basically we both sleep alot better if were together and it gets annoying searching for a lift everynight at midnight. Sure, one day we will have sex. However, I rather enjoy the idea that my fist time will be in a bed, not in the backseat of someone's car, or on the floor during some drunken party, and that I won't get pregnent (god bless birth control) and that both of our parents are reasonale enough not to disown us just because we like to sleep in the same bed.
(Sorry for the rather long run on sentence)

LVmyBOXERS's picture

let me just say that birth control is not 100%!!! That is why I and my brother are here. However, my parents were MARRIED so having a child was ok. The way God intended.

mojona's picture

NickB's picture

Harleygal, Unfortunately, restricting the sexuality of teenagers, especially at such a late age. 20? For real? the kid can go off and fight the terrorists, why not let him at least do something that, with protection and common sense, can be fun, healthy (mind AND soul) and, let's be honest gang, pretty darn exhilarating.

Really, Rigidness in Parenting will only create unhealthy boundaries, which as you know in a blended family, can destroy tenuous relationships, making the most loving SM or SD into "the person who's humping my BM/BD." and I think that's the last thing we want.

The only real and healthy defense against things like unwanted pregnancy's, StD's and a lack of moral decency is simple: Education. see what their schools are teaching, if they aren't:go to a PTA meeting, or, just sit down with the kid, BD/BM and yourselves...and just talk. explain your fears about their behaviour, LISTEN to theirs.
and compromise.

Chel Bell's picture

This is the first time I have ever spoke of this, When I was 18, and my BF. was 20, (who later became my first husband,), my parents on a RARE occasion would let him stay over on Sat. nights if we hung out at home watching movies Tto late. Sounds somewhat innocent, right, my tough Italian daddy was right upstairs, and my mom followed along with his ok on it. He trusted me and believed we would never do anything with him just above us upstairs,and we did'ent, at first. One Sunday ,morning, early, my parents deciced to get up and catch breakfast at a new resaraunt, I was asleep in my room, door closed, and BF, was a few feet away...asleep on the couch when they left. My BF then woke up, came into my room, and guess what we were doing by the time they got back. They never caught us, boys can jump & run fast when needed. And of course , eventualy, I ended up pregnant, and did not have the baby. I hid it all from them. When my BF & I got married a few months later, I was still overcome with guilt, and now at 35, and 3 kids(2skids also), the one thing I know for sure is that communication w/ your kids is key. He was the first guy I had ever been with,and at 18 , I figured, hey it's my life..I can handle this, and I really could not. I was scared to death to dissapoint them, my dad did raise me better, but their was no open communication at all, they never taught me ABOUT sex, just to avoid it till marraige.Not a common thing, then or now. One promise I have made to myself...BE REAL WITH MY KIDS , love them , teach them to respect not only me & their dad, but themselves. And to always feel they can come to me, especially for help. Sure we all want them to wait, to remain innocent, but when that ends, more importantly, they need us parents to turn to no matter what, shouldent that be the message we send?? Chel

Chel Bell's picture

I plan on sharing my story w/ my kids when faced with this issue w/ them, as an example on what NOT to do.

smurfy1smile's picture

I have a 16 year old son who's best friend is a 16 year old girl. They are one day apart in age - he is older. She lives with her father and brother. My son has spent the night at her house several times. I know they are just friends and her dad is so strict nothing would ever happen. No sex, drugs, drinking etc. My son did come home with his hair straighten once and she put make up on him to make him look goth and she took pictures, which I saw. I trust my son and his friend. They are good kids and my son and I have had the sex talk many time. I am the mom the guys come to when they hear stuff they don't understand.

Keeping the lines of communication open to your kids is so important.

Anne Summers's picture

This is a very opinionated topic. I cannot control what other parents do in their home with their own kids...BUT I can control what I do as a parent/step-parent in my own home.

IMO, I don't condone allowing my kids to drink alcohol, have sex, do drugs or anything else along those lines in my own house. However once my babies have left my home or my sight then it is really their personal decision to do what they feel is right. I cannot control my kids (especially my SD that doesn't live with us). However I truly hope that when they have left my home and are faced with a decision (ie. sex or alcohol), that they choose the 'right' decision. I hope that by all my frank talks and honesty will help them in choosing.

Ok, I know some of you will lash out saying that I am wrong in what I deem as a 'right decision', but here is what I think it encompasses:

1. No sex until you are over the age of 18 and fully mature enough to face the consequences of sex. These consequences do not only include STDs and pregnancies, but ALSO the emotional side of sex. Even at 19, when I lost my virginity, I was not prepared for the emotional turmoil I went thru after he left me.
2. No alcohol unless the kid's the legal age. This is for the safety of my child, myself and everyone around us. Plus---I don't want to be calling anyone to bail me out of jail for allowing kids to drink in my house. Guess what? Parents or anyone over the age of 18 can be put in jail for giving children alcohol---I don't know of any state that is not like this. In my state they even have a commercial with a nice suburban-looking mom in orange talking about this. Personally my DH nor I drink alcohol---DH for religious reasons and my reason is just a personal choice. I have been around some pretty looped up drunk people that have been involved in some stupid stuff but only after they have lowered themselves into a drunk stupor. Honestly even 'social' drinking can lead to alcoholism. I don't feel like it is my duty to throw my kids into something like that.
3. No drugs---no matter what age or maturity level. I stand firm on this one. I saw kids in high school messed up in drugs. Guess what? None of them have a good life (whether relationships, jobs, etc). Most of them did end up with one thing in common---less brain cells. No thanks on subjecting my kids to that.

I guess at some point a parent has to actually be just that---the parent. Thus meaning that they have to 'parent' or teach their children the difference between right and wrong. Ideals and morals are different in every household, but I think most parents believe to some extent the the items listed above are not good for children to be involved in until they are older.

I feel if I convey the message that this type of behavior is 'ok' then the kids are only going to follow my lead. It's just like if I told them that I condone them putting their hand on a hot burner even though they could get hurt. Hmm, stupid right? Personally that's the way I see it.

I know I have more control over what my BS learns about these issues. I am pretty sure that he would come to me or his dad if he had questions. My SD on the other hand is a different story. I am afraid that one she reaches about 14 or 15 that she will begin with bad habits. I only say this because of the BM's character and personal views on these issues. I sincerely hope that my DH and I can reach my SD with our 'talks' before anything bad happens.

BE WARNED---My next statement will probably come off as condescending.

Oh---one more little thing---to the original post. I sincerely hope that IF this boy gets his girlfriend pregnant that dear old dad is going to pay for everything with the pregnant girlfriend and the new baby. Now wouldn't that only be fair since dear old dad is the one that CONDONED this type of behavior---even to go so far as providing the 'love shack' for these two minors??? Funny thing is some states actually have laws that state the parents of the minor son can be legally obligated to pay CS for this new baby. Hopefully this guy lives in one them. Wink

"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat." Wink

LadyDivinity's picture

I want to smack every single parent and stepparent that thinks its ok to have 2 horny hormone driven teenagers to sleep unsupervised in the same room! The people who support this act are HIGHLY niave and need a wakeup call. These are the same people who shrug their shoulders and wonder why and how in the world their teen is now pregnent! I have both my children AND stepchildren. You want to sleep with someone under my roof? Then you better become of age, get a job, and move into your own apartment cuz it's NOT going to happen in MY home. We have too many babies having babies and all these diseases are out of control now a days and its because of niave people who LET IT HAPPEN.

choclate.brownie23's picture

You are niave in that you think all teenagers are just horny hormone driven kids. These decisions should be made based on personal maturity. I had a party with my friends, a co-ed sleeover with about 10 people. There was no alcohol, drugs, or sex whatsoever. The MOST that happened was kissing. Just because you're a teenager doesn't mean you always behave as the stereotype suggests, maturity is based on the individual not an age.

Rags's picture

A co-ed slumber party is one thing. Parental condoning of underage sex in their home is criminal.

Don't confuse the two. I agree that most teens are good kids with enough self awareness to comprehend what they can and can not handle as far as sex/alcohol/etc.... But, a parents job is not only to raise a child to viable adulthood but to also mitigate risks that may derail that process.

So, please do not be overly sensitive that we do not have appreciation and respect for kids. We were all kids once and now we are raising our own (or someone elses).

Keep up the good work Choclate. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and as solid character to help guide your journey to adulthood.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

The Principlist's picture

moreso dads, raise their sons differently than they do their daughters. I remember not being able to do things at 21 that my brother did at 16. There was always that double standard. I think for the most part that is why we encounter so many double standards. A lot of people like to use the discretion and say "my kid is responsible enough and wouldn't do x,y,z." The sad reality is that in a groiup teens will go along to get along. I feel that I have done a wonderful job in instilling the basic, moral principles in life with my kid, but I will never say "My child would never..." One really has no way of knowing what one would or wouldn't do. I think the key is thinking to back when you were a teenager and the things you did. I'm sure there were bad choices and some under peer pressure more than free will. However, I say all of that to say I would not allow co-ed sleepovers for my teenagers. Ultimately we are responsible for their actions because they are still minors. Nope, Never, Nada, Un-unnh, No-way, No way Jose...Ain't happenin'!

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.

gertrude's picture

Ok, I am pretty sure my DH had a tolerant attitude to his daughter being sexually active - BUT he also had a requirement that she use control, and it wasn't allowed under his roof. I am pertty good with that attitude - recognize reality while setting expectations for behavior.

On the OTHER HAND, BM had a totally bizarre attitude. BM invited SD's BF to live with them both at BM's house once SD graduated HS! She talked SD into coming to live with her using the promise of BF living there too!

And so what happened? hhhhmmmm.... I agree this irresponsibility on the part of these folks is not only setting a poor example, it is putting them in harm's way.

smnikki's picture

i have to say that i think its horrible for you to say that if a 15yr old has sex, their parents have failed. I dont know what rock you are living under, but these days most kids are having sex either their freshmen or sophomore year. I would say at least 80 percent!

I had a bf for two years 10th and 11th grade. my senior year we did start having sex. I had moved to a different city, and i did sleep over at his house on the weekends. we were allowed to stay up as late as we wanted but in the morning i was to be in his sisters room (she was away at college)

The problem is that parents some how think by being strict, these things arent going to happen. That is only possible if you lock them in a closet for the rest of their life, and even then im sure a teenager is going to find a way to do something if they really want to. Do you not remember being young?

I am now an adult obviously, i graduated hs with a 4.0, got my college degree, and managed to not get knocked up. So please tell me how it is that my mother failed?

However, would you like to know how the kids are doing that had very strict parents? Knocked up by 20yo, now living at home because they never made anything of them self, no career or education because their strict mommy has always done everything for them. They all were finding ways to have sex anyways and instead of being careful about what they were doing they were just trying to be careful not to get caught.

All you can do is give your child the skills and coach them along, but pretending like you can stop them from things you dont like is very big mistake.

LizzieA's picture

The original poster was talking about a parent allowing a young teen to have a GF overnight on a regular basis--sleeping in the same room not a coed after prom party. Our BM did this, allowed SD to have boys sleep in her room against DH's wishes. BM has a very hard time being the parent. SD was on the pill for a while then stopped taking it for some reason and now is the proud mom of a baby boy. Still living at home. And whenever she has a new BF, he stays over/moves in. I don't see how BM can stand it, myself. I like my privacy.

Richberg's picture

I am a Live in BF with a Lady who has 2 girls 11 - 15 yrs old .. We have experienced the 15 yr old sex rage and Boy craze is just Unbelievable ... I am the one who feels this whole BF / GF thing at 15 is soo not right .. Her Mom is fighting a No win battle but doesn't have the back bone to stand up to her daughter and Dictate , the 15yr old's Dad is the worst for being any kind of parent , He has allowed her to have BF's because he wants to be the cool Dad and it goes against what Mom wants which is a whole nother story by its self .. But when she was 14 he had the girls over for a weekend visit and he allowed the 15 yr old have her BF then sleep over while she was over her Dad's for the weekend , and if that wasn't some shit , he didn't want the girls to let Mom know he slept over , so he was getting them to lie to Mom also .. So as a Guy , I see her as a slut in the making , and Mom has No idea whats ahead with this girl , and her Dad is setting her for a huge Failure in herself and with guys using her for a piece of ass ..
She has already been caught twice sneaking boys into the house , once during my time Living in what is called OUR home now .. That really pissed me off , I almost took that kid out , Physically hurt him and wanted to bash her face in for sneaking someone into My Home while asleep ...
This is only a portion of my step parenting issues , since I am not the B-parent it kills me to have to live in a home with this kind of situation .. am I on to something or wrongfully thinking it will get better ?

Any thoughts or shared stories welcomed ..

Rags's picture

Rich,

Nope, you are not wrong. I would have had the scrawny little shit of a boyfriend on the floor face down with my knee on his neck forcefully restrained until the police arrived to haul him off to jail.

Then I would have blistered the ass of the little "slut in the making" and let her know in no uncertain terms that the next time I was woken up by an intruder in my home I would shoot first and ask questions later.

All IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

BrienneM's picture

I am a mom of a 16-year old girl. If I were the parent of the girl, I would really get angry and if the teens tell me that the boy's father allowed them to sleep together in one room over the weekend, then I would definitely confront him. I am not pro-PMS and I would not tolerate this. However, I would still get the reasons of the boy's father for allowing the teens to sleep together. Well, if it has happened, I wouldn't scold the teens but instead, I would give them a parental advice I know would work for both of them.

amyburemt's picture

My skids biomom let them both have sex at her house at the ages of 14 and 15. She invited the boys to spend the night. Here is the result. The 14 y/o at that time ended up having sex with multiple people in a 3 month span and threw down a false rape claim at one point then went on to live with her mom at 17 and now complains she has no life. The 15 year old ended up pregnant but is living with us raising her child because we are pushing her to get through college so she can support her child. what's really funny is that bio mom never has to actually deal with the consequences of her actions. unfortunately sd17 will end up just like her.