Jan's picture

Our new life and the EX wife

First I want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this. This is the most difficult situation I my self have ever had to deal with. But here goes! I met a man 19 months ago, he was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He has 3 children and I have 3 children, all of which their ages are mine being 17, 12, and 5. His being 10, 7 and 5. We have been together through the entire process of his divorce and let me tell you its been one hell of a roller coater ride, because of the EX and all her immature Bullsh**. We decided to move in with each other this past august of 2005. His divorce was final in november of 2005. He has joint custody of his children and has them every other week, so we see them alot, which is a good thing. His children are very comfortable with my children, and they just adore me to pieces, well lets just say when their mother isnt around. This is where all the bad stuff comes in. I do not like her and she does not care for me either, she basically poisons the kids minds about me and my children, to the point where they feel uncomfortable even talking to me when she is around such as at school functions, or sports games etc...She sends nasty emails to my BF telling him that he isnt taking care of the children the way he should be, when he does every thing for his kids, he provides for them medically, sports,tutoring, clothing, shoes you name it, he does it, AND he pays her full amount of child support and she doesnt even have them 2 weeks out of the month, plus she DOESN"T work. Recently I made a comment in a public place about how their one child always has bruises and such whenever I see him, well a parent that knows his mother went back and told her what I said, so her BF tells me that he would appreciate it if I dont bad mouth the kids mom,(this was a horrible conversation) this really irritated me since I am always having to deal with false accusations from this woman about my children along with jealousy etc....I feel so bad for the children, and I really love the kids like they were my own, they are very close to me as well, like I said though when she isnt witnessing it, what do I do about her behavior and what she tells the children about me, its bothering me alot and its causing issues with my relationship, I feel like leaving my BF just to get away from all this stupid nonsense sh**, but I know thats what she wants, she doesnt want him, she just wants him to be miserable and alone, but if I stay I feel like I have 13 years to go before it gets better. it has gotten to the point after her rude emails about me and my children etc.. that i have tld her to never speak to me again, and she even told the children that, she said dads GF doesnt like me, so now they ask me why I am mean to their mom. I am so torn and stuck its horrible, and sad, for everyone, all because of one immature parent, well if thats what you want to call her. And for the record, I was NOT the reason of their divorce, she left him for someone else. Please help with any advice, if I need to elaborate a little more for better undersdtanding, I can do that too. Thanks everyone!!!! Smiling


Corie's picture

Boy oh boy, can I relate!!

Hi there, if you had a couple of years to read all the emails we have accumulated from the ex, you would see you are not the only one going through what you have. I had the honours of relaying some info to the lady who I am sure is going to hell. That we were unable to take their one son to an appt 2 months in advance, giving her plenty of time to rearrange things. She became furious with me and got out of the car and told me she was going into our home to take the children home. When I told her she was not allowed to enter our house, she started yelling through the windows for the kids to get their shoes, they were leaving. I told her to please leave, she wasn't welcome, that it was a court ordered visitation and she could not legally take them. She told me some choice words and I called 911. Before they arrived she got in the car and as she was leaving screamed out some profanity and gave me the finger. My 12 yr old daughter witnessed the entire display. I could have had her charged, but because the children were so upset, I decided against it. Because we have blocked her from our email, she has started calling numerous times in short time frames for nonsense. How does one deal with this craziness without hurting the children anymore than they already are? My fiance gives her chance after chance after chance....says she is still the mother of my children. My answer to that is, a mother does not act like that. She is acting like a spoiled little kid in a candy shop that can't have her own way. Ridiculous! And here we are, only another 7 years away from the youngest one turning 18! God give me strength to overcome this hurdle!!!

missylyn's picture

girl my husbands ex wifes

girl my husbands ex wifes does the same shit or at least she tries to. lol me and you need to talk. this is how you handle her. if your husband really truely loves you then he will be ok with this. tell him to stop giving her whats she wants by limiting the conversations with her. obviously he ain't getting the message across strongly enough. do what ever he needs to to have her stop calling him at work. she has no business to even know where he works. he needs to stop taking calls from her at work # 1. get 1 phone. may it be a cell phone or land line and give her one number that she can call so that she can get in touch with him. don't give her any e-mail addy or nothing one phone number that is it. tell your husband and start this yourself limit your ya'lls communication with her through that one phone. don't bend over backwards for her anymore. if your husband needs you to watch and babysit your step daughter b/c he has to work or what ever and it's his week with her then help him out. but do not offer your help to her b/c of what ever her reasons are b/c she is playing you like a pawn and you and your husband let her have too much control. yall need to take control. STart documenting and recording her there are cheap devices you can buy b/c once you start limiting your communication with her is when she is going to lash out b/c she ain't getting her way. and my husband ex elbitcho tried pulling that its our daughter nothing to do with her bullshit but if you are caring for their child then you do have asay so and if hubby ain't around and your babysitting the kid then have him make her and you force her ass to have to deal with you when picking her up and such or else don't watch her anymore.and tell him that he shouldn't be so easily scared off by whatever tactics she uses he has rights to see the child then until he has reached all the requirements underlaw that defines child abandonment in that state she can't refuse to let him see the child and ya'll can protect yourself by buying those recorders from radio shack and tapeing her ass making any kind of threat about not letting him see his kid. ya'll need to take control of ya'lls situation and start protecting yourselves. she sounds exactly like my husbands elbitcho! when you get tired of her shit and her running and being in the middle of ya'lls lives email me i give ya more good advice sunny_d_night@yahoo.com

drgnfli71's picture

ditto....

I really appreciate your comment Hopeful. My hubby's ex is a mess. But, I have made the decision that I will control my behavior, be the better person and example for her children. They see her lie and manipulate, from me they will see somthing different. Both my hubby and I have agreed that we will help these kids learn right from wrong, by not putting her down as she does us, but by example. No, I don't like her and she treats me horrifically, but in front of those kids - I try to be the bigger person. Fortunately for me, I do have the support of my new hubby. I give you kudos for knowing who you are and for being in control of you.

Anonymous's picture

The better person?

You try to be the bigger and better person? However you continue to say you dislike thier mother, well that's thier mother! Also you mention she lies and manipulates...?? Still this is thier mother, You are a mother...correct?? >> The better person would realize this.

Anonymous's picture

wow

I feel exactly the same way....I love his kids....but their not mine why put myself through this, I should just focus on my daughter ( who I had in a previous relationship) How did leaving him even though you loved him work out for you?

Anonymous's picture

i wish i was that strong. I

i wish i was that strong. I am struggling to make that change for my own sanity but I cant find a way to do it. Help?

Anonymous's picture

oh the dreaded ex

Hi there, I have been reading some of these responses, and they all have something in common. That is, husbands or boyfriends allow the ex spouses behaviour. However, there is something all of you can do. Live your life the way you want it. I have just decided to do just that. My husband and I live apart. I have five children and he has one. We have very different parenting styles. We do have an ex wife that is furious and bitter at his new marriage. She would love it if we lived together. I refuse to for that reason. I also have taken the step to say that my husband, her now exhusband, has a key to my house and that he use it. I don't want to know about his life with her now, and that will mean for the next ten or twelve or so years that we don't have holidays together, and that he just comes over. It has been hell for me up to this point. She just gets nastier. I cannot cope. And he could tell her to get a grip, but will not, and she would only get worse. We all have one thing in common. We love these men in our lives. They love us as well. Just remember that. Don't play her game. You can keep away from them. Just change it. Dates are great. Let him deal with the ex. that is my advise. If this doesn't work for me, I will let you guys know. I think it will.

Paula's picture

Ex-wife

How do you not let the ex-wife get the best of you? I get so angry and it eats at me. Any advice on how to keep calm, cool, and collected are very welcome.

LBAT's picture

1. Always take the high

1. Always take the high road
2. Kill her with kindness. Even if you have to fake it. If your ex is angry, she will not be able to stand the fact that you are calm, cool, collected, logical, and polite. When you have to interact with her, think happy thoughts or at the very least, see her for the humorously unhinged person that she is.
3. Minimize your interactions with her.
4. Make sure you have the support of your SO, otherwise, you'll have an unnecessarily difficult life.

Gwen929's picture

Glad I am not the only one!

I am going through the same stuff. I met my boyfriend at the beginning of his divorce...his ex has been a monster through it. She had him whipped at first, then when i came into the picture he realized he had rights. She didnt really want the divorce...it took me getting pregnant for her to finally file. In the mean time i had found a decent lawyer and we were going to file. She thought she had all this control and file emrgency junctres etc...her and her attny were laughed at (pretty much) in court. my boyfriend settled things in mediation (ate a few things) so we wouldnt have to spend more money dragging it through the court system.

Things were fine for a bit...she found a new boyfriend she can live with and he is practically her live in nanny like my bf used to be. all throughout my pregnancy she played games with my bfs daughters (5 and 3 yrs old) and told them things like my son wasnt really their brother etc. Since he has been born she tells the older one she wants to see pictures etc... These childish games are awful. I come from a divorced family I know how hard it is living the life let alone to have your mother act like a 15 yr old. I see pain in his 5 yr olds eyes...there is nothing we can do. she sometimes makes comments and if she thinks its something she shouldnt have said she says never mind. Her mother claims not to drill them and ask questions but you can tell she is drilled.

we have asked the ex about family couseling and she ignores it. i guess she comes from a family of perfection and if you go to counseling you have issues. well news flash this 5 yr old has serious issues. Not only with the games her mother plays but with the fact that she moved in quickly with a man she started dating and his 2 children.

I tell my boyfriend all the time...his biggest mistake is not taking those kids to begin with. She only has them for the child support. But before the divorce we had them quite often sometimes more than half of the time...when she found out that would lower her support she changed the schedule to every other weekend. Then she says its not about the money.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. Its been tough...and its going to be this way. My bfs attny even saw that she wasnt over him...and me being 9 yrs younger pisses her off too. Like she said "he would be better off in a river" yeah so she could claim life insurance and fill her purse...then send the kids off to boarding schools.

I wish some of these parents could see how delicate these children are. and games like this makes them grow up with major issues...and sometimes not liking the parent who is so negative.

Anonymous's picture

I completely understand. I

I completely understand. I met my bf before he left his ex. We were pretty good friends, and when he left, I let him move in my house temporarily until an apartment that he found was ready to move into. In the process of this his ex went up to the company that we worked at and got us fired. So he wasn't able to get the apartment. Eventually we started dating, once we realized how much in common we actually had. Things are great between us. But his ex is basically refusing to let him see his 3 year old daughter because we moved out of state so he could have a better career opportunity. Before we moved we saw his daughter every other weekend, but she was not allowed to spend the night at our house. Her mother refused to allow her to be around me. Every night that we would take her home, she would scream and cry because she didn't want to be with her mother. I felt so bad for her. For a long time, she would call my cell phone and harass me all hours of the night. She also called his cell phone all hours of the night, crying that it was all my fault for her divorce. Now we live on the west coast, and my bf tries to call his daughter every weekend and most weekends his ex refuses to let the little girl talk to him cause she gets mad and hangs up. They went to mediation, and she has refused every type of visitation agreement. I am 6 months pregnant and have a hard time dealing with her crap sometimes. My bf is very supportive of me and my feelings of everything, and is trying so hard to get it all finished so we can move on with our lives. We are doing our best to get custody at least half of the time, because she is alienating the daughter, and trying to replace him with her new bf. I don't know what else to do, but try and stay as calm as possible so something doesn't happen to me or our baby before it is born. I stay out of everything as much as I can, but she always drags me in it. The worst part of the whole things is that she says that she does everything for her daughter, but it always turns out to be about her and the child support money that she gets. I think if it was about the little girl then she would be a little more considerate of how the daughter feels.

Anonymous's picture

Hi, BF's ex sounds very

Hi, BF's ex sounds very unstable. If you don't mind, I am wondering what she did to get you both fired?

Anonymous's picture

Well, she just kept going up

Well, she just kept going up to the HR department and calling them bugging, making false statements. I let him rent a room in my house because I had 3 bedrooms and I lived by myself, until he got a new apartment. She went to the HR department and harrassed them until they fired us. She is very unstable. It has been over a year now, and she is still refusing to allow his daughter to come and stay with him. But she calls his family and cries because he won't finalize the divorce until he get's to see his daughter. She at least doesn't call as much anymore. But when she does she is very rude. I have basically given up on anything that had to do with his daughter, because she doesn't even know who I am anymore. I just decided, that I am going to worry about our daughter that is due in 6 days, and when the custody is decided, I will get to know his daughter again.

Little Jo's picture

Nice to know I'm not alone.

I'm new here. After last nights drama with the ex, I started looking on line for help. Bob & I have been living together for a year now. I have 1 17 Year old Daughter. He has 4 girls between 9-16. I lived through the drama of the break-up, the divorce and blending the kids.
His oldest came over for the first time a few weeks ago. Sweet Kid. But she believed all the lies her Mother told her. I have been called the most colorful things. After meeting me she realized I'm not like that and her Mom gives her very tainted stories. Basically the x is a liar, manipulative and feels the whole world owes her. One thing I have realized is that the kids are smarter than I thought. Through genuine talking and truth, they understand.

"May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

azbutterfly's picture

Dealing with his ex?

Hi Dawn..I am writing about my BF and having to put up with his ex. I have been with him for 3 1/2 years and the whole way I have had to deal with the ex and her filthy names she calls me. She has made sure that she drove a wedge between me and her children and has repeatedly tried to physically fight me and verbally attack me. My problem is that my BF does nothing to stand up for me. He defends her unprovoked attacks and says that I should just learn to deal with it and get along with her. One month after we began dating he paid for her to have breast implants. I have reached such a depression about this and feel like i'm on the OUTSIDE..She informed me that he told her he would never marry me and he talks about me to her (usually making me the butt of their jokes).. I have asked him why he doesn't just move on and his only reply is "i love you". Alot of my friends have told me that he "has the best of both worlds"..just need someone to talk to..

Anonymous's picture

that's crazy i have to deal

that's crazy i have to deal with that too, like you i don't have any of my own children however my boyfriend of almost a year has three, 9,6,and 2. his ex wife hates me and i don't care for her either, she manipulative, psycho, and i'd like to kick her a**, im sorry for my vulgarities but this woman is set out to ruin our lives.i met my boyfriend at a store we both worked at, he was a manager and i an associate. i met him when he was going through the separation process, not the actual divorce. they put out the divorce papers a few months into our relationship. they just recently got legally divorced, and im so happy for that, yet this woman is acting so immature. im a lot younger than they both are, so she calls me names from bit** to Slut. and everything in between. and i dont do anything for the sake of the children, i love those children like they are my own, but never do i want to replace their mother, as much as i hate her, i would never want to do that. so i don't know what to do, im the person who has a bad temper when it comes to people who have no RESPECT,and because she has physical custody over the children we get three nights a week with them but for a whole month she denied us the children because i told the children that i love them and care for them. how ridiculous is she.she rather me hate them and treat them bad than for me to care for them with everything i have.cant believe how pathetic she is

darlene f's picture

the nasty ex-wife who can't let go

it is rather comforting, in a sad sort of way, that other people are dealing with "satan", too. i have always tried to find the good in people, but even in my "old" age, i am discovering that there really are people who relish in making other people's lives miserable. my children are grown and are successful, happy adults. and i have remarried a man, i'll call him E, a few years younger than myself with three children (one step) of his own. the oldest (step-daughter)is married. before i "got into the picture" my husband, E, and his wife, L, were in the process of getting a divorce. she was having an affair (her second) for a year before she finally left for her now husband, S. i wasn't around at this point but i have heard from every member of my husband's family, that L never helped her oldest daughter get ready for her wedding. L was too busy talking to S on the phone, that the entire wedding party was looking for L because it was time to cut the wedding cake. L showed up 10 minutes before the bridal shower was over to "make her appearance". L's own sister is angry at her because of all the stupid antics she does and for recking her family. L has discovered that, S, this "wonderful person who makes her laugh" is an alcoholic. now, i believe that she is so angry at herself for making a huge mistake, she attacks me. i have received vicious messages via the phone where she verbally attacks my catholic religion, (and she claims to be a christian), the way i handle the children, that i am brainwashing the children, to anything she can possibly think of. she even purchased an internet program to try to find "dirt" on me. when she couldn't find any, she decided to make stories up and tell the children she has proof that i am a so and so, or i did this or that. she also used the computer program at her work, a car dealership, to find information (which is totally illegal - but try to prove it) from license plate numbers to try to dig up trash. the children have told me this. the 13 year old daughter found pornography on the family computer and naked pictures of the husband on the same computer. L dismissed it as everybody takes naked pictures of their spouses. the 13 year old was disgusted. her husband is a control freak and tells the children that he won't go to any school plays or functions because he won't be in the same room with me. he even lied and told L, my husband's ex, that i was flashing him my "b--bs" and flirting with him when he dropped off the 13 year old to the summer camp at my church. i can't stand people who create drama. life is tough enough without having to deal with someone elses chaos. my husband knows she is crazy and he too is sick of the games and the garbage coming from their house. it is amazing how someone who wanted to leave cannot move on with her life. in my mind i realize that she is jealous and angry because she is miserable and E and i are very happy and E has never been happier and their mutual friends let her know that. my husband has repeatedly told her to stop bashing me to the children, to stop harrassing me and calling our house unless it is an emergency, and to stop creating problems. it stops just long enough to start up again. we have blocked all three of their phones at night so they can't call us at midnight anymore, but unless we want to purchase two cell phones for the children, we were told by our attorney that she has to have access to the kids. my husband totally supports me and feels so bad that i am getting subjected to "his baggage". it is very difficult to try to get full custody. it is very hard to prove the "bad mom" stuff when they do just enough to get to the line, but never quite cross it. we got a call from the 16 year old the friday before mother's day, to pick him up because he wouldn't get in the car with his mom because he thought she was drunk again. she was angry that her son wouldn't get in the car and she got out of the car and chased him through the bowling alley calling him you "f-----g pu--y". she actually hit an employee of the bowling alley and called her an "f-----g slut". the girl didn't press charges, but a police report was filed and L was given a trespassing warning never to come back. our attorney says not enough to get full custody. the kids can't stand the step-father, S. the kids have told me repeatedly that they don't understand why their mother hates me. i have done nothing to her. she has concocted many stories, but active addicts will never take the blame for their actions. they clean up long enough to appease the children that they are getting better, and the shoe drops again a couple of months later. this has been going on for 3 years. again, in my mind i know the truth, but there are times when i want to throw a good verbal punch at her. sometimes, ignoring all the drama, chaos, and verbal vomit that is directed at me is very, very hard to do. this dialogueing has helped a little. at least, i am able to vent and know that there are many of you who are getting beaten down by self-centered, nasty people who are hurting their children in the long run. doesn't anyone believe in "what you sow is what you reap" anymore? some people call it "karma". it is amazing to read about how many horrible ex's there are, especially when they were the ones to move out in the first place. eeegads!

Cindi's picture

Bitter ex Wives,,,, what

Bitter ex Wives,,,, what more do you have to say. My defacto and I have been together for 4 years now and living together happily and she cant stand me. Despite everything i do for the kids and how much they love me.She is jealous, because i am 4 year younger That he is happy and loves me. That I help him out with the kids. She trys to control everything from bedtimes to what they watch on TV at our house. She doesn’t split things like xmas with us. She is very manipulative she will be really nice too him and try to exclude me but he doesn’t let her. I think it is really sad a woman of 36 cant move on. She is sending all these sms messages about her opinions on him and he just tells her to mind her own business. She sees me as direct competition for him and the kids. I wont let her ignore me if she trys to chat to him I will speak with her and try to be nice. Because she is being immature trying to pretend I don’t exist. The kids are only young so all they can remember is me being around. It is sad but hopefully she will find a man to sink her devil horns into and leave us alone. We try to laugh a lot… here is a list of bitter ex wives

Ex-wife seeks to control ex-husband's time with their children.
Ex-wife dictates who should/shouldn't be around the children, ex- wife may seek to have 2nd wife, girlfriend, grandparents excluded.
Ex-wife to make child contact as difficult as possible - offer the children up for contact when she knows the ex-husband is working then accuse him of being an uncaring father when he can't see them at short notice.
Ex-wife insists she will not do any driving on contact days.
x-wife using the children to send messages to ex-husband and his family.
Ex-wife bad mouth ex-husband/wife/girlfriend/family and make children repeat it.
Ex-wife makes young children aware of court action, CSA etc.,
Ex-wife ridiculing ex-husband in front of the children and encouraging them to do the same.
Ex-wife tells the children they don't have to listen to their father.
Ex-wife insists on calling the children on their mobile phone while they are supposed to be relaxing and enjoying their time with their father yet blocks any calls ex-husband may make to the children.
Ex-wife refuses to give children privacy when their father calls to speak to them; she will listen to the call and coach the child in what to say.
Ex-wife insisting the children call there father by his first name and to call her new boyfriend 'Dad'.
Ex-wife enrols anyone who will listen to her into her hate ex-husband campaign.
Ex-wife gives no priority to ex-husband's time with the children and will organise an activity without discussing with their father.
Ex-wife to make verbal agreements so arrangements are made in advance and then claim it’s not in the court order so it won't happen.
Ex-wife refuses to abide by the court order and considers herself above it all, doesn’t matter how it affects the children.
Ex-wife refuses to 'allow' ex-husband to have any part in the children's education.
Ex-wife blocks ex-husband's attempts to have contact with schools, doctors and dentist.
Ex-wife lies to education authorities telling them her ex-husband is a bad person and that he should be excluded at all costs.
Ex-wife claims everything is the ex-husbands fault and she was totally blameless throughout the marriage.
Ex-wife had affairs during the marriage yet acts like a woman scorned when ex-husband gets on with his life without her.
Ex-wife lies about situations in the marriage and dates.
Ex-wife spying on ex-husband's new girlfriend/wife, hang around his home, and make nuisance phone calls.
Ex-wife obsessed with ex-husband's new life, wife and/or girlfriend.
Ex-wife engages the services of a Private Detective to spy on ex-husband and his new partner.
Ex-wife makes false claims of abuse of the children by ex-husbands new partner.
Ex-wife will claim at every opportunity her ex-husbands partner/wife is unfit to be around 'her' children.
Ex-wife makes false accusations about ex-husband har

DLS's picture

UGHHHHHH EX wives

Well I will begin by saying that I have been with my H for 10 years (5 dating and 5 married). He was married to his kids mom and they have been divorced for 20 years now. Their children are 31 and 26 and he had to grandkids who I adore. Problem is is that the ex says she wants him back and she will use everyone and everything to try to manipulate that. She has turned one of my stepkids against me saying that I am nothing but white trash ( this is because when my daughter turned 12 she wanted to live with her dad) so I let her just due to the fact that I wasn't going to come in between there relationship, she has always known that she is welcomed back at any time. She calls my H everyday and he has told her to stop that he has nothing to say, but surprise surprise he still answers the phone. My stepson has called me white trash also and doesn't want me around his kids because that is what she wants but doesn't have enough balls to tell his father this. She will find every excuse to call my H it doesn't matter what it is. She has trashed me to him, belittled me sent me text messages saying that he wants her back and wants her to make love to him when he gets rid of me, how she will be sure to give him a big kiss when she sees us together, how he says that i'm a crazy person. This lady is really psycho she will come up with anything she has destroyed every last one of his relationships by doing this fortunately I am the only one to stand up to her. Problem is I get my husband to see that when he talks to her it just brings drama and everything into our marriage. He says that he talks to her because he doesn't want to jepordize his relationship with his children. I have spoke to both of them (when the other one could stand me) and they both told me noone will ruin our relationship with our dad no matter what. I would like some suggestions about this because I really can't stand this anymore. I almost forgot she also manipulated him into having a family portrait made with her, her kids, and grandkids and posted them on myspace with a title DLS Family 2007. She has been caught in a ton of lies and still comes out smelling like a rose.

Paulie's picture

Dawn, I'm in a very similar

Dawn, I'm in a very similar situation. My stepson and I get alone wonderfully but his mother HATES for reasons unknown. My husband doesn't say anything to her because he feels my SS is old enough (15) to see the truth for his self. But I feel he needs to say something to the ex wife for the sake of his son being stuck in the middle and the feeling that he has to choose between his mother and step mother. And I also get the feeling that he doesn't have my back by not standing up to her and telling her this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.

He says she's crazy and narcissistic and it's all about her and she will never see anything but her in any situation. I say if you get in crazy's face and tell her how it's going to be the BS will eventually stop.

wptheme's picture

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queen_bethy's picture

Hi Jan

Jan,
I know how hard this is. The mom of my step son hates me too and has done pretty much the same kinds of things you're dealing with. My advice to you is to continue to love your BF's kids and be as consistant as you can be. Never show that it bothers you. Love love love them. It's not the children's fault their mother is a B***H. One of these days, they will realize the truth when they are old enough to process like an adult. In the meantime, remember that you are the adult and they are children who need love.

Also, something I've had to work on very hard is to remember that the ex-wife is not part of my relationship with my husband. She is ONLY his child's mother and she should not effect your relationship. Work on being supportive to each other and NEVER bad mouth the child's mother to him/her. That will backfire on you - not her.

Good luck! YOu've come to the right place for support! This site is awesome!

Beth

Jan's picture

Thanks Beth

Thank you for writing to me! Its nice to know that there are people out there going through if not the same but somewhat similiar issues with ex wives. I totally agree with you on the part about the ex not being a part of the relationship. But the ex in my picture thinks she can control my BF still, and call all the shots with the kids. she constantly reminds me that they are "THEIR" children and she will speak to him whenever and with whatever she wants to, oh and how she wants too. My BF at times is so naive and will let her run over him, I think this is the part that bothers me the most, because then he complains to me about her behavior and I tell him, she cant do to you what you dont allow, and then I ask him why he allows this behavior from her, and he gets upset with me, in a defensive mode. I just dont get it, sometimes its like I'm damned if I say something and then if I dont, she thinks she runs the show here. Do you have any advice on how to handle that one? LOL. Basically I refuse to even speak to her anymore at all, period. She makes me so uncomfortable Beth that I feel like I cant even attend the childrens sports games or anything, the last game she cause a huge arguement with my BF and me right in front of the children and everyone else, I was humiliated. And as soon as I said something back to defend myself, i looked like the bad guy in front of the kids, if I didnt say anything she would have thought that she could treat me like sh** and I wouldnt have doen anything about it, WRONG!!! i am so torn on what to do, I am trying so hard to just love my BF and the children, but I look at the big picture and ask myself, is this how its going to be for the next 13 years until the youngest child is of age? God I hope not.....write again soon, I would love to hear any of your thoughts and I appreciate the insight.Thanks, Jan

queen_bethy's picture

hard situation

I think the big thing here is that you entered into his life during a very difficult time. I believe you said in your original post that their divorce wasn't final yet when you met. There is absolutely no way the hard feelings are going to subside just because the divorce is final. There are going to be hurt feelings, arguments, hatred and jealousy. Even after several years go by there is no guarantee that things will run smoothly. It is obvious the ex-wife is not only still hurt by the divorce (no matter who's fault it was, all parties still remain hurt) but is threatened that you are a new mother figure in her children's lives. She doesn't want them to love you or want to be around you. No matter how wonderful you are, she will not ever be able to see that. It takes a HUGE person to feel ok with their ex's new loves and it takes an even BIGGER person to allow their children to love another parental figure. It's hard. Divorce is not a good thing even if the marriage was the most toxic marriage around. It's never good when children are involved.

One of the things your BF might be feeling is guilt over the pain his children are feeling and he might be still trying to get over his own pain in the failure of his marriage. This can cause him to appear to let his ex run all over him, but in reality he may just be trying to avoid making a situation worse by "giving" in to her demands and behavior. I obviously don't know him, so this is a guess. My husband had a similar problem back when I first met him of letting his ex call the shots. It got to the point where he NEVER saw his son because she was pissed about something. It was only when he took control over the situation and was able to move on from the devastation of his divorce that he was able to start working with her instead of against her. And we saw better results for visitations.

I am not saying that my life as a step mother is easy. It is not and it has been the most frustrating and painful experience I have ever had. But I am at the tail end now and see things more clearly than ever. My step son was 3 when I met my husband, now he's 15. Remember that this is all still VERY RAW for your BF, his children and his ex wife. It is going to stay heated for a while until time passes. Time heals many things. Be patient. If you intend on staying with this man forever, you must play the understanding, loving and patient mate. There is no reason why you should have to confront or deal with the ex in much of any capacity, but you will see her because you share children. Let her arrows bounce off you. They are NOT directed at you. They are directed at your BF in an effort to hurt him. This is his battle, but be supportive. Don't lecture him and tell his what he should do. Just love, support and lend an ear. Love his children as if they were your own. Love will speak VOLUMES.

I hope that helps. If you want to talk more, my email is queen_bethy@yahoo.com. I don't have all the answers, but I've been a step mother for 12 years and I've learned alot from this experience that I hope will help others.

Beth

SympatheticBioDad's picture

Thanks to Dawn and Queen_bethy

I just thought I'd throw out this little thanks to Dawn for having the forethought of setting up this great place for stepparents to talk and exchange advice.

I want to also thank Queen_bethy for contributing her wealth of experience as a stepmother to this site as well.

You both are going to be wonderful assets to this site and the entire stepparenting community. Thanks!

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People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
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