SD told me a few weeks ago that at the top of her Christmas wishlist was a photo album with both her families in it. She so desperately wants us all to get along and I think she thought of this as a way to get us talking and cooperating.
Well, I tried getting in touch with her mom for weeks to see if she could provide some photos for this special gift and (no surprise) she isn't interested. In fact, she won't even have the courtesy to respond to tell me she won't do it because she's so full of hate that she can't see that this is what her daughter wants. How sad. (But typical!) This is the woman who insists that I am not SD's family.
Anyway, what I was going to do was fill half the pages with our photos and leave alternating pages blank for her to fill in later. It just occurred to me, however, that she has half a dozen photos of her mom's side in frames in her room at our house and I could possibly use those at least as temporary "fill-ins" just so she can have both sides of her family represented in the album.
My question for everyone is, do you think that taking the photos out of their frames might backfire and upset SD? I certainly mean well, but there is that nagging feeling that SD will figure out that I never liked having that portrait of BM leering at me on her nightstand day in and day out.
I will certainly give her the option to put the photos back in their frames and work out the other pictures with her mom later, but if she decides to keep them all in the album, it's a win-win situation for me! I won't have to look at that horrible woman every day anymore!
I just don't want SD's face to fall and her heart to sink when she opens the gift and sees that her mom wouldn't work with me on it. Oh well, I did what I could...
Is there anyone
else in the family who may have pictures left? Like your hubbies family. Talk to his mom maybe she has some she could give you. I commend you on taking the time to make her this book that she really wants. I know when my ex-ss was little I took all the pictures of his parents that we had mind you I was like 20 and made him an album. Trust me there was a time before we talked nicely and bonded for him, I could have burned everyone of them. OMG..
Anyways Caitlyn thru all you have been thru with this BM you are still willing to do what is best for your SD.. Hugs to you dear..
Happy
If you get time you could
If you get time you could get a color copy made of them and put the color copies in the album and put the original ones back in the frames. Go to an office supply store, such as Staples, the copies won't be as good as the original...but will give her the album she wants regardless of BM.
Good Luck - Merry Christmas!
Hubby's family is in England!
So that's not an option. They're not fans of BM (wonder why?) so even if we weren't separated by the Atlantic Ocean, I'm quite sure they haven't kept any sort of mementos of her. Thanks for throwing out the idea though!
Thanks for the hugs. Yes, we've been through hell with BM, but I love SD, and SD loves her mom, even with all her flaws, and I'm not here to stand in the way of that. In fact, I'm here to facilitate that relationship because when the day comes that we're in court proving BM's parental alienation and other illegal activities involving custody, we will honestly be able to say that if we had primary custody, we would do everything in our power to encourage their relationship and we can prove that we always have. Not that that's the only reason I'm doing this. I just want SD to feel whole because BM RIPS HER APART!
What that woman does to her kid is a crime!
Here is an idea...
What *I* would do, is instead of taking the picture OUT the frames on the nightstand, and then I would scan the pictures, print them out on photopaper and viola, photos for photo album (and them put originals back in frames! How's that? And maybe you could ask his family to email pix to print out on photo paper? (your hubby might have some put up somewhere too) -
And I agree, for crying out loud, it's Christmas...what is WRONG with people??
GREAT IDEA.... the children
GREAT IDEA.... the children probably wouldn't want the pictures removed from the frames and put in the album leaving the frames empty. But, the scanning is a great idea. That would also tell the kids that you like those pictures as well!
Even though I don't like seeing pictures of the SS/SD mom on the night stand, I still wouldn't want them to grow up missing their mom and feeling like they couldn't just be comfortable with how they express their feelings.
Growing up to Being healthy, spiritually sound, and loving is what is most important for these children.
You're exactly right!
That's why I had reservations about taking the pictures out of the frames in the first place. I certainly don't want SD to feel like she can't love and miss her mom in our presence.
The pics will stay in the frames, AND have a spot in the album. I think SD will be pleased! (Although not as much as she would've been had her mother just worked with me on it.)
Totally agree. The ex never
Totally agree. The ex never works with me either. Her classic answer....."I just can't find time....I'm a single mom you know!"
I always answer back..."I was a single mom too, and I was happy that way also!"
Have a great day!
She will love the album...will you be able to give it to her?
At least you get an answer!
My attempts at making peace are never answered at all.
Anyway, we will wrap the album and put it under the tree for SD to open whenever we get her. We had arranged for her to come 8pm on Christmas to 8pm on the 26th, but we think her mom has reneged on that because she's mad at us right now for coming to SD's concert at school. (She tries to ban me from SD's activities and then throws a tantrum when we don't listen to her and I come anyway.) She won't answer any of my fiance's calls or emails so we don't know what's going on.
Oh well, it can wait until next weekend if we don't get her for Christmas.
Fearless, you're a GENIUS!
Why didn't I think of scanning and reprinting the photos? Duh! That's perfect!
And believe it or not, my fiance literally has ZERO pictures from his past because BM kicked him out so fast and didn't let him take anything with him. Not even any baby pictures or school pictures of SD, nothing.
And to answer Fearless's last question, even at Christmastime some people can still be asses because their hearts are so filled with hate that there's no room for the Christmas spirit to get inside.
Well I try *blush*
I heard that (about christmastime) and I think that's a damn shame!! I'm glad you liked my idea!!! I always like to help! And Caitlin, I really think there is a special place in Heaven for you for being so kind and putting your SD first, regardless how you feel about BM...and I think that in time, SD will see BM's true colors...
I just think it's too bad that BM can't put aside her feelings even for her OWN DAUGHTER. That stinks.
And I may be throwing unwarranted advice, but in keeping with the peacable (at least on your end) theme, if SD asks why her mom didn't help...I would be...well, vague and just tell her, I don't know, hon, I guess she got busy. What do you think? That is just an opinion however. Happy Scanning (and yes, I think that is a LOVELY idea!! I really do!)
xo
Fearless
"unwarranted advice" welcome!
You're right, I certainly don't want SD to feel bad that her mom was being a giant a-hole about it, so what I was going to do if she asks is just tell her that I tried but she didn't respond, and to just return the question and ask her why she thought maybe she didn't get back to me.
That is how I usually handle things like this. That way, I don't have to lie, and I don't make her mom out to be the bad guy. SD is great at drawing her own conclusions. She has told me on numerous occasions that "mommy's jealous" or "mommy's really emotional" so "she doesn't mean the things she does." She's a smart kid. She's also super protective of her mom, so she might make excuses for her and I will certainly just go along with her.
I think that's good!!
I think that's a good idea!! SD sounds like a wonderful kid!! It's too bad her mommy is such a s***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SD loved her photo album!
She was thrilled with it and didn't even ask about her mother's (non)participation. She just loved seeing all of her family members represented in one unified place.
Coincidentally, I finally got a response from BM the day before Christmas. I just got it today, as I hadn't been on the computer since Friday. I'd just like to share the exchange below so you can see what this woman is like.
Here's what I wrote:
From: Caitlin
To: BM
Subject: Christmas present for K
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:37:19 -0800 (PST)
Hi L,
K expressed to me over the weekend that at the top of her wish list for Christmas was a photo album with both of her families in it. (Her words, not mine.) I think it's a lovely idea. She wants so badly to have unity between the [BM] side and the [BF] side of her family and if us working together to create this album can give that to her, I think that's the best Christmas present she could possibly hope for.
I have a picture album and photos for this side and I was wondering if you could provide some from your side that I could put in with them. The album has room for 24 photos, so if you could give me a dozen or so from over the years, I think she'd love it. I can scan any photos you have and return them to you, or if you have some digital photos, feel free to email them to me.
I will say that K got a *huge* kick out of seeing baby pictures of her dad over the weekend. Do you have a baby picture of yourself so we could show her two parents as little kids in the beginning of the album? She'd love it!
Please write back or call me to let me know either way.
Thanks and Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Caitlin
And her response two weeks later:
From: BM
To: Caitlin
Subject: RE: Christmas present for K
Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:43:09 -0500
Dear Caitlin,
Sorry for the delay in responding to you.
I can assure you that you misinterpeted K's Christmas wish. She does want a family album for Christmas and asked for one sometime ago - a [BM's last name] and [BM's last name BF's last name] family album.
K does want an album from you, but she wants seperate albums (her words and wishes - not mine). Unlike you, your family and M, I can assure you that K knows that this is not the time for such an album as you suggest.
Perhaps in the New Year you and I can take some time to get to know each other one on one.
I wish you and the [Caitlin's last name] family Happy Holidays.
-L
I hope it wasn't too cryptic with the censoring for privacy. Basically, BM wanted to drive home that since my fiance and I aren't married yet, that my family and I aren't SD's family and have no place in a family album for SD. (That was her bolding, not mine.)
She's so hell bent "her" definition of family that she must point out that I don't share SD and fiance's last name so she tried to wish the "Anderson" family Happy Holidays, when my father's side of my family lives 1000 miles away and even if I do share their name, I'm not too close with them just because of the distance. I was spending my holiday with the "Smiths" (fiance, our daughter, SD) the "Joneses" (my mom and stepdad) the "Browns" (my grandparents) and the "Millers" (my aunt, uncle and cousin). I guess since I don't share a last name with any of these people, they're not my family!
And another thing on the name subject. SD has mom's and dad's last names: "K Peters Smith". Well, BM is trying to say that SD's two sides of the family are the "Peters" and the "Peters Smiths"! What?! I didn't know that the maternal side of the family permeates the paternal side of the family! SD can't even have her father's side of the family separate from her mother! BM tries to be in ALL parts of SD's life and just can't accept the fact that SD has an entire FAMILY that doesn't involve her! SD has a baby sister from me and her dad, but BM won't even recognize that they're blood related and insists on calling her her stepsister. Just because SHE's not part of it!
She drives me crazy! (deep breath... in... and out....)
I'll just focus on the look of delight on SD's face when she went through that album with ALL her loved ones in it and forget that hateful woman.
Aw, I was wondering about that!!
First off let me say the mother is a FREAK (and not the goofy lovable kind like myself...), I'm sorry, but the woman just grates on me and that's just based off of the emails I have read ...
I'm soooooooooooooo glad SD liked the album!! God bless you for doing such a sweet thing for that little girl!!
HUGS
Fearless
You crack me up!
Thanks Fearless! Yep, you're right, this woman is a FREAK! And she gives goofy lovable freaks like you and me a BAD name!
I can't help but post her emails here for all to see because I just want to show that I'm not making this crap up! It's just unbelievable sometimes. Unbelievable but true!
The sad thing is, there's nothing more I would like than to have a working relationship with the mother of my SD. She suggests taking the time to get to know each other in the New Year, but I know she's not capable of that. She doesn't want to know me, she wants to control me. Even SD's therapist doesn't see the point in trying to talk to her because she knows that BM will do what she's going to do and nothing will stop her. This is a family therapist we're talking about! Even she has given up on trying to reason with her!
Woo-Wee
This is my take on the BM-
She is really jealous of you period.. Whether she wants your man back or not she is just very insecure and jealous of you. She is threatened by the fact of you taking her daughter from her. When in all actuality the daughter is straying away from her in a sense because of her mother's attititude with you. I think this is very sad for you, but mainly for the daughter. She must be a very strong little girl to go thru all that with the BM and still maintain a strong loving relationship with you.
(S)daughter in her own words does want this album and whether her mom wants to believe it or not you are there and that is what it is. At least now the SD can finish her album on her own. And it lets her see how much of a wonderful person you are for her father and her and your children with him.
SMILE and pat yourself on the back. You are an awesome SP..
You know what I would do?
Send her a mini album with nothing but photos of you and SD with sister- make sure you have a difinition of what a stepsister is and a halfsister too.... Geesh, this woman.
I'm glad the album went well. Good Job!
Oh Yeah
I am with step mom.. I think she needs to be told a
Step Sister is someone who does not have any of the same parents.. A 1/2 sister shares one of the parents..
Lordy. I have 4, 1/2 sisters and 1 real brother and 1, 1/2 brother.. That is alot to keep straight.. Not to mention my one sister is adopted by my aunt and uncle.. Long story my mom was a very young mama..
Insecure and jealous? Yep!
Happy, you are right. BM is insecure and jealous. SD has even told me this. BM loads all this guilt on her for loving me and her dad and her new sister and miraculously, SD has remained relatively immune to it and continues to love us and just tries to protect her mom by hiding her love for us from her.
It's interesting that you say that her daughter is straying away from her because that's exactly what SD's therapist has warned BM about countless times. She keeps telling her that her actions and attitude will create terrible backlash for her and just push SD away from her. I can already see that happening. And so can you, and you've never even met these people!
It must kill BM
It must kill BM that our daughter and her daughter look just like each other... and their dad! No one can deny that they are sisters - half or otherwise! I have explained to SD that stepsiblings don't share any bio parents and that if I had come into the relationship with children, then they would be her stepsiblings or if her mom remarried a man with children, they would be her stepsiblings. She gets it, but continues to introduce the baby as her stepsister to keep the peace with her mom. I'm not going to put any pressure on her, I'll just keep explaining when appropriate.
As for BM, there's no reasoning with her, so I don't bother! She knows the definition of a stepsister. Our tactic is to NOT ENGAGE! My olive branch attempt with the picture album didn't get me very far, so trying to address issues with her is certainly not one of my New Years resolutions.
Can't say I blame you!!
I mean, really, the one I feel sorriest for is the little girl. I cannot believe (I mean, I CAN, but I'm *just* overwhelmed) by the biomother. You would THINK that she would be thanking her LUCKY STARS that her daughter's father has such a good and loving woman in her daughter's life, rather than some horrendous bitch that is only our for herself. But you know, I read on here in a post a long time ago a bio-mother's first instinct is to HATE "this new person" and not want this other woman to get NEAR "their child!"
Seriously, Biomom needs to GET OVER IT and adjust her thinking.
If I were her daughter (and this might happen when she is a little older), I would sit my mom down and go, mom, just because I love Caitlin doesn't mean I love YOU any less. YOU will ALWAYS be my mother, but don't you think it's fortunate that I have another adult that loves me in my life?? You're not this way about my teachers or my friend's parents who love me, why are you so dead-set against Caitlin?
Sounds like biomom is not a stupid woman in the sense of it does take SOME intelligence to be able to manipulate people but really regardless of that she (BM) needs to get a freakin clue. Disengaging seems to be the wisest manuever here until such time as the mother pulls her head out of her butt.
Hugs,
Fearless
You are so spot on!
SD and I actually talked about that in depth that loving me certainly didn't take any love away from her mom, and that I would hope her mom would be happy for her that she has another adult in her life to love her. Maybe she will sit her mom down one day, when it just gets to be too much. She is so fiercely protective of her mom, she doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but she really is starting to see the light.
My SM never liked us much (me and my brother and sister) and my mom's heart ached for us. She just wanted us to feel comfortable and loved in our father's home. Instead we just felt like unwelcome guests. I shared that with SD and she could really see that some BMs (like my mom) really just want what is best for their children. She wanted my SM to love and care for us in her absence because that is what would've been best for us! She didn't feel threatened or insecure or selfish. SD really took it to heart.
Disengage or keep trying?
I was thinking of perhaps responding to her email as follows:
Dear L,
I'm sorry you feel that way. I gave K a family photo album for Christmas and she was delighted to see the "Peters" and "Smith" sides represented in it. I don't understand why you think this is not the time.
I would love to have a working relationship with you for K's sake, so whenever you're ready I would love to work together toward that goal.
Caitlin
I won't get into all the nonsense in her prior email, but I also won't look like the bad guy, ignoring her "reaching out" and trying to "get to know me" by not responding at all. I don't know, I'll do anything for SD, so I guess it can't hurt to try, even though it goes against my policy of not engaging.
awk!!
Genius!! I love it, I rescind my previous opinion...but you know, really, that's NOT engaging in my opinion...you're just trying to extend a common courtesy, really...only if I could throw my big fat two cents in I would change just a couple of things:
I don't know how to make italics on here so please bear with me:
Dear L,
I'm sorry you feel that way. When I gave K her family photo album for Christmas, she was absolutely delighted to see the "Peters" and "Smith" sides represented in it.
(Don't say anything about thinking this isn't the time...that's giving her an EXCUSE to fire off a missive about YOU and YOUR understanding).
I strongly believe it would be beneficial to have a working relationship with you for K's sake. Let's certainly try to accomplish that goal in the New Year.
(Don't say I would love to this or that...I would fight fire WITH fire and use her "business tone" right back to her).
Caitlin
That way YOU look like you are calm, cool and collected, and trust me, the cooler tone of your email will ruffle her feathers, AND there is nothing SHE can take and run with...whaddaya think?
(Just some thoughts)
Fearless
Oh, I like that! ;0)
Oh, I like that! ;0)
Oh, me too!
As always, Fearless is right! I don't want to feed the fire by making inflammatory comments basically saying "you're wrong" which turns into "no, YOU'RE wrong!" and so forth. I don't want to get sucked in!
I think the "business tone" is perfect. It keeps the high-running emotions out of it and keeps the tone calm, cool and collected. That way, she has no ammunition to use against me.
I'll keep you posted how this works out!
Fearless that
is awesome. you are so right with her.. As calm as Caitlyn can be will just eat this woman up. And I mean none of us really want to play the game but what else can you do when you are forced to play.. I mean she has been a down right bitch (sorry) but true.. With her own daughter and then the fact that SD cannot even call her SISTER just that is just unbelievable.. OMG.. Caitlyn you just hold your head up high.. Unless she wises up her head will constitantly be stuck up her ass.. LOL..
Well, I sent the email verbatim
I basically copied Fearless's suggested email, filled in the names and deleted her comments and sent it off to BM. She'll probably take 2 weeks to reply, after running it by her lawyer, her therapist, SD's therapist, her father, etc. That's how she operates. Can someone say OCD?
SD confided in us once that whenever BM emails us, first she hand writes it, then she types it up and prints it out, then she takes a red pen to it, then she retypes it, then she takes it to her father to proofread and she makes more changes and then she finally sends it to us. So those tirades from her that I've posted on here have probably gone through a similar process. I have to say, I get a sick sense of satisfaction when I see a typo that she didn't catch. She spelled "separate" wrong in the email above. Mwahahaha!
Holy crap...
Well I gotta admit, the handwriting-email-proofed twice thing is a little ... well, bizarre...and totally OCD. *gives a little screech of laughter*...I know because I'm guilty of the same thing (well, not really, I will read over an email five or six times, sometimes, before I send it...)
Oh, I'm glad you liked my suggestions!! I likes to help!!
*wiggles around in chair with glee*
I'll be VERY interested in looking forward to biomom's response.
I'm sure part of it will go like this (any wagers, ladies?)
"Dear Caitlin,
There are no need for apologies as I am sure you misinterpreted K's response to your photo album. What appeared as delight was strictly for your benefit. Her words, not mine."
(which would be total bullsh*t of course)
And I'm sure there will be some smarmy noise about the two of you meeting...some snarky remark about when it is convenient for HER...well anyway, DO keep us posted.
xoxox
Fearless
Tee hee!
Ah, Fearless, you are so refreshing! I can just picture you wriggling in your chair and giggling. Thanks for the comic relief (and of course, the excellent advice too!)
I'm sure if she does respond, it will be exactly as you say. She will make up some BS about me misunderstanding HER daughter because I don't have the same relationship with her that SHE has. Then she will probably recommend a meeting place in her town at a time when SD is in school, say 2:00, knowing full well that I work full-time over an hour away AND have a baby at home AND I'm in the first trimester of pregnancy so I'm quite exhausted!
Mind you, she doesn't work and has a pretty low-maintenance easy-going 11-year-old that she dumps at her 80-year-old father's place next door so she can go take a nap. SD tells us that her grandfather is often the one to take her to school because Mommy's in bed and she missed the bus because Mommy didn't get her up. According to her first report card, SD has been tardy EVERY WEEK on average (9 times in 9 weeks) and has been absent EVERY OTHER WEEK (5 times in 9 weeks). Now this child is not sickly! The mom just can't get her to school.
Anyway, back on topic! She will probably make it next to impossible for me to meet with her, and then say that I won't work with her for SD's benefit. She is, of course, "Mother of the Year" whereas I am the "Evil Stepmonster", let's not forget!
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