Boyfriends son ruining our relationship
I need urgent advice. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He went through a nasty divorce that dragged on and on. I had a good relationship with his son, now 7, until the past few months. His son has ADHD and is not medicated (mother refuses to allow) and has severe behavioral issues. I accepted his son since day one.
Unfortunately, BM is completely bad-mouthing me and I believe this is causing some of the disrespect his son has towards me. My bf states that I am not to argue or reprimand his son and to let him handle it. However, there are often other distractions and other kids to care for so his son often disrespects me then lies about it. Yesterday, he talked back to me and dad didn't hear it. I proceeded to handle the issue myself and ended up being the bad guy as dad reprimanded me right in front of him, thus giving his son satisfaction and power over the situation.
We had plans to get married but now I am being accused of not accepting his son. I've stated that I accept his son but will not accept or tolerate disrespect, his mouth, the lying and complete rudeness. Now I'm told that I need counseling until I can learn to calm down and let him handle it. I've been told that marriage is not a possibility until I can learn to walk away quietly instead of trying to instill discipline.
I do not believe this behavior is solely due to his ADHD. That excuse has been over-used. I have experience with ADHD with both adults and my own brother. This disrespect is not about that.
I work full time, pay half the bills, have made numerous sacrifices and compromises for him and these children. Now I'm told there are "conditions" to us getting married? His son is now running the show. I love these kids and have zero problems with the younger children. I don't have kids and I am really tired of him using the excuse of "you never had kids so you don't know what parenting is like". I worked in day cares, babysat since age 7, cared for young family members, etc. I can see inconsistent parenting, that is simple and identifiable as a third party looking in. He states he is tired much of the time so doesn't want the added conflict of me and his son's "bickering". My view is that his son should never talk back to an adult. There cannot be bickering if the behavior is dealt with immediately and he is punished. I'm told "you are the adult, don't engage him" but there is no way I am going to sit by and let a child demean and disrespect me in my own home. I told him today that I will no longer be around his son until the behavior is modified. Thus, that isolates me from bonding with the other kids. I'm damned either way.
This kid is bullying me and I feel like I've bent over backwards so far that I'm about to break. Help!
The boy is not destroying
The boy is not destroying your relationship. Your BF is. This is not about your BFs son being rude and disrespectful but about your BF and you being on the same page in the parenting handbook.
I would quietly make an exit plan. Take back your life. You should not ignore your fundamental beliefs to make another person happy while you are miserable. Let him raise his son on his own seeing he has all the answers.
Oneoffour is soooo
Oneoffour is soooo right..........ignoring my own fundamental beliefs is what I tried doing and it doesn't work. We split up last year because daughter/unwed mother will always be right in Daddy's eyes.....I never got backed up. Move on with your life now! Don't waste another ounce of time. Find a partner that partners with you not against you!
In describing your
In describing your interactions with his son as 'bickering' he is placing you on a level with his child. He is not respecting you as an adult in the home so it's not surprising that his son is capitalising on that. It's a very common scenario, and incredibly belittling and damaging to your confidence in yourself and in dealing with him and his children. For a father who cannot manage his child's behaviour, or doesn't want to manage it in case it alienates him, it's much easier to try to control you and position you as the problem. It's often a subconscious reaction rather than a deliberate strategy but very damaging nevertheless.
My thenBF also used to behave as though he were the only adult capable of judging his children's behaviour. Things reached a head when his 11 year old yelled in my face when i intervened to stop her bullying her younger sister, and thenBF refused to address it when I told him about the incident. He suggested I was making a big deal about nothing and should just let it drop. I broke up with him because of it, which did result in something of a sea change in his attitude, and we went on to marry and have our own children which eliminated the 'you don't know because you don't have children' argument. But fundamentally 10 years later the instinct to defend his children and question my judgement is still there in the heat of the moment and continues to cause problems. If your BF has this tendency it will probably never go away, even if you do now embark on a battle to achieve co-parenting status in your home. There are many, many, many déjà vu arguments ahead as you fight to get your BF to respect your views and back you up. And even if you make progress you will probably find that he will continue to revert to type when the pressure is on. You need to think seriously about whether it is worth it, for a man who is now holding your marriage to ransom unless you toe the line.
You know in a way I think
You know in a way I think it's easier when they wear their true stripes loud and proud so you can make your exit swift and early The real killer is the ones who try to change but are incapable. The ones who say they NOW understand, the scales have fallen from their eyes, it will NEVER happen again, they love you SO much and THIS time it really will be different. And THEN they make the same mistake again, and again, and again. It's like boxing shadows trying to tie them to the mast and effect a change in behaviour when it matters.
I had a row with DH only last week about SS15 who won't have any relationship with me. I was left alone with a sick 4 year old and rampant 18 month old while DH went on his weekly sunday jaunt pandering to SS who refuses to come to the house. As DS4 vomited all over the bathroom while DH was out I was somewhat pissed off when he returned. I dared to make a disparaging reference to SS and my resentment about the ongoing situation. Could DH take it on the chin and accept that in fact his son IS behaving like a f***wit, and causing a whole lot of disruption to family life, NO, he STILL gets defensive, so he got pissed off with me. I did my usual, went ballistic, then went off to feel very sad about my ongoing disappointment with DH. Funnily enough DH has really seen the light this time. Now I'm still on the defensive, he keeps trying to woo me with his cheeky charmer schtick, it's same old same old. He told me he loved me earlier and I looked at him and said 'yes but don't forget, I am the enemy of your children and you may need to defend them from me at ANY MOMENT'.
Yea, the son is not ruining
Yea, the son is not ruining the relationship, BF is doing that all by himself. The kid is disrespecting you because your BF has Zero respect for you. He places you on the same level as his kid, he's dangling marriage as a reward for your modified behavior, is telling you not to engage the kid... Honey, this guy doesn't want an adult, equal relationship with you. He wants your to be his unpaid nanny that he can have sex with and who helps pays to raise his children.
As the others have indicated he is unlikely to change. Not in a year, not when SS is 18, not when SS is 35. You will always be blamed, will always be the one at fault. It will never be BF, it will never be the kid.
Honestly, he wants you to break. He's trying to make you into someone you're not to suit his needs while giving two shakes of a rats tail about you or your needs. You deserve better.
I have looked all over the
I have looked all over the place (internet) to see where my feelings are mirrored with others. It is hard to find. Basically my BFs 24 yr old son moved in. I became or we became his door mat. This kid is not mine, but once he moved in I was so angry at his behavior and his father allowing it. Not only did I loose my boyfriend but now I left because this kid is his world and I became a no thing. I am shocked at this. His kid is quite happy I am gone so he can do as he pleases . Dad pays for his school , food , cooks etc. this kid works and can live on his own . Dad just made it easy for him to come home. I am so hurt at his Dad allowing his own kid to break us up. We were a happy couple b4 this. I am so angry to be last .
What hurts is he tells me he
What hurts is he tells me he needs to fix his Son. His Son is fully capable to live on his own. I am so sad and Angry this kid managed to be way more important than me. We were happy . I'm so sad. When I left it was because I just can't enable his son. I said we can date and we went from being a live in couple to not one date in over a week. I am to blame it appears for standing up and asking Dad to make boundaries , rules, goals, as to not allow the mouiching and enabling. His Dad appears to be mad at me. This works out perfect for his 24 yr old that has been going to school for 4 1/2 yrs to get his AA. A 2 yr colledge deal. I told his Dad his kid will be there fir another 6 yrs at this rate. Dad keeps saying he can help him. But it's draining him and with no energy or focas of us at all. Look I am venting. I know he's gone and I need to leave . It's just we had plans together and they all went by by after son moved in. It's just incredible hurtful .
You left because your partner
You left because your partner did not respect you and failed to balance your needs with those of his adult son, so for God's sake don't sit around waiting to date him, you need to hold your head up and move on, no matter how hard it may be. I'm so sorry he didn't value you the way you deserved.
Your BF needs to back you up
Your BF needs to back you up he shouldn't let SS run things. I'm sorry this is happening to you I know you probably love him but hes not doing right by you. Its true what others say if also I had known what this was like I might not have entered it and my DH teaches SD to be respectful of me. Its true what you say you make countless sacrifices and you're not getting anything in return I say let him find someone else its possible that another person wouldn't be so nice.
Can I just ask, why do you
Can I just ask, why do you want to get married? Wouldn't that just complicate matters? Keep things simple, open and don't tangle yourself up in what appears to be a precarious situation any more than you have to.
Edit: sorry, just realised the date of the original post.