How many ladies or men here were the other man or woman and are now married to the person they had the affair with? What were the circumstances behind the affair? Do you have regrets about the affair or do you feel justified in your actions? Has the partner you are now with had an affair on you, or you on them? I ask because unlike most, while I do believe that most people who have an affair will indeed commit this act agian at some point in their life, I also believe that some have done so, and will never do it agian. While I believe that most relationships that are begun in an affair will eventually end, I also believe that there are those that not only thrive but are stronger than some marraiges where infidility never reared its ugly head. I also believe that while an affair is more often than not an act of selfishness( especially when the wounded spouse was one who honestly did their very best to make their marraige work) I also believe that at times an affair has been utilized as a self healing tool(in cases where the spouse who had the affair was being mentally, verbally or physically abused and who's self esteem was put in the gutter by their significant other)in helping the person to see that they are indeed worthy of love, affection, respect and that there is more out there in the world for them( and yes, I know most would say if your unhappy or abused in a relationship, then get out of it, dont have an affair..but I also know that most people, men included, who are dealing with this kind of abuse will remain in the marraige as they have been made to believe that no one else would want them.) Do not get me wrong, I am in NO WAY advocating affairs of any kind, however, there have been times in my life when I have had no understanding of why a person made this decision,while I can truly understand why another did.
Okay...I'll bite. It might be cathartic.
My FH was in an unhappy marriage. He begged for counseling, he made compromise lists, he tried and tried but the BM was complacent and told him his problems were his own.
He had decided that he'd stay until his daughter was at least 13. He had health problems due to stress (panic attacks, stomach issues and a bad case of the shakes). The BM was basically an ice queen and didn't believe there were any problems with her or the relationship.
She also turned out to be an appalling Mother. Theirs was a case of the 'Discuss Parenting Ideas Before Pro-Creating'. She turned up preggers (10 years his senior) and they married after the child was born. She doesn't believe in discipline or consequence - you should NEVER upset a child. She doesn't believe in teaching a child right from wrong - they will learn through osmosis at certain ages. She doesn't believe in bathing the child more than once a week or using soap on the nether regions, causing infections/rashes etc. She finds obscure sites on the Internet to support her position despite what all the well-known experts say. Oh ya, and no child knows how to wipe properly and that doesn't cause vaginal inflammation/rashes on little girls...but I digress.
He couldn't take it anymore. We met at work (so predictable) and developed a friendship, which turned into a 15-day affair before we left our partners.
I was in a relationship for 8.5 years to a wonderful man. We had just been engaged and were planning our wedding. There were of course things missing, but I didn't know any better until I met my FH.
Upon meeting him, I felt what I had never felt before. A very intense connection with another human that went above and beyond what I currently had. It was quick, it was amazing and it has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through!
We left our partners and moved in with one another right away. The last 17 months have been extremely hard, but also satisfying. I am trying to come to terms with the guilt of hurting and grief of loosing my best friend (the man I was engaged to), and also transitioning into living with someone else with whom I didn't know that well.
FH has had the pain of being an part-time Dad (although we have almost EW plus extended holiday's) and figuring out separation agreements etc...
What has been easy is the SM/SD relationship. We hit it off right off the bat and have a very strong bond.
The marriage was over before me, but as a woman, I have to give BM credit. She allowed weekend visitation almost right away (after I was interviewed) and hasn't pulled a lot of garbage that others on here have to go through. Our main beef with her is her lack of parenting (and life) skills.
I worry about the future and what my SD's Mom will tell her about the break-up. She considers herself very moralistic (which has aided in the relationship between us all) but that means she will be completely honest to her kid. Unfortunately, her point of view is extremely different from FH's and, while she concedes that FH was miserable, it had nothing to do with her.
Anyway...I think that as long as two people are committed to working together to make their relationship thrive, then the relationship can work. You shouldn’t have to change too much, but you have to be open to compromise when you commit to another person. It's when one partner puts blinders on and refuses to acknowledge problems or issues that trouble happens. I know that if my FH came to me saying that he felt we had problems in our relationship and wanted counseling, I would go to counseling. Relationships are hard...they take work from both parties involved.
Sorry about the novel!
My DH was on the verge of divorce, had discussed it with BM
When we met. For years he had literally done everything while BM worked at a job but did nothing at home. He worked a job and cooked, cleaned, did repairs, lawn work, shopped, took care of the kids, etc. She also opposed his every effort to discipline the kids and refused him affection for over a year. He has strong suspicions that she was cheating on him. Their marriage was a case of it's time to get married rather than true love. It was so-so for years. By the end, she was verbally abusive; it was her and the kids against Dad. She also let herself go literally from the time he put the ring on her finger.
We fell violently in love. Now we are married. He is the one I was waiting for all my life, through my own failed marriage and relationships. We are compatible in every way. Do I feel guilty? No. I was newly single and having a great time dating. I was just the straw that tipped the situation to a resolution that was a long time coming. BM was an ass of course although she openly had a BF right away. I got accused of homewrecking but DH put them in their place (BM and SD) with the truth. One SIL (Evil) supported us until we actually got married. Then she became BM's best friend. She had told DH to get divorced for a year before I met him.
Now BM and DH are like ex business partners. Her crap was just the victim position, so dishonest. She didn't love him. She didn't want to work on the marriage. (it was all him, don't you know?) And she abused a truly wonderful husband and father. But no one ever said she had any brains.