I am completely at a loss. I mean, when I first started coming here it was purely to educate myself on how "she" might feel.... Or how she may have felt in the past for that matter.
What has prompted this need to know more about her feelings? I realized today that the answer is twofold. First, because I must have matured somewhat in the past decade. I have become a more sensitive to others feelings. In my younger years, it was all about me and the kids. It was almost a crusade-like journey of "us against the world"......
Secondly, our son is older now. Last year of high school, last year of having him as a minor. Scary stuff here..... Soon, he'll be off to college..... Thank goodness I will still have the 7 year old to boss around!!! I just have to remember to teach him to start the car for me in the winter mornings, just like the eldest does.... LOL!!
But seriously, somewhere between my eldest son's 10th and 14th birthday, I stopped fighting....with myself.
I have always prided myself on the fact that I actually got along with my son's other mother. Oh, we've had our differences. A few of those differences led to screaming matches. Two screaming matches to be exact. One led to all night telephone conversation that brought us to a more compromising existence. I thank God for that battle. Neither of us won, but my son actually benefited from it.
The second bout came a few years later.... Not quite as intense. It definately had more to do with her unhappiness with my son's Dad. I realize that today...... Sometimes I think she stays with him so that she could show me what it takes to make a marriage work. What an ego I have, huh? To think that this girl is living a miserable exsistence just for me!!
So as I began to learn from "the other side" of what I have lived. I have learned that we, as women, are very sensitive. Where stepdad's have more issues regarding the children, stepmom's have more issues regarding the ex's. Hmmmmmmm....
As I have read post after post of complaints and frustrations, bickers and blames, I did realize another thing. I have only read (so far) from two women here where a biomom has been given any credit at all. For anything. She is constantly referred to as unfit, uncaring, and she is always wrong. She is a whore, a cheat, a slob, a bitch. She's money hungry, only out for herself and many stepmom's deem her a terrible parent.....
How sad that is for me today? Yes, for me. Because it hit me this morning....like a smack in the head with a baseball bat. Maybe all stepmom's feel this way. The one's here sure do...Most anyway.
My revelation is this. Has my son's other Mom felt this way about me also?
While I realize that the situations blogged and posted her cannot be typical, perhaps they all have the most common of threads. That world would be a much better place if biomom just died after divorce.
I mean, think about it.... What good is she? Why is she still here? On this earth? She cannot cook, she has no organizational skills, she cannot tell time, she uses all child support money on herself. She picks the slimiest of characters to bring around the kids, and she is always thinking of ways to aggravate their child's stepmom. She does everything in her power to get her ex back, and regrets the day she left him. Her days are filled with thoughts of hate, anger and bitterness....all because she let her child's father go and get on with his life. She carefully plots out her next strategy of revenge. I say carefully, because she sometimes goes about it by actually PRETENDING to be nice....
Just once, it would be nice if a stepmom would admit one of her mistakes. Or better yet, try to reach back into the depths of their own soul to say something positive about their stepchild's biomom. And not to their stepchild, for never wanting to bash her to them. But here, on this site. For all to see..... But that would never be possible. Because you see, there is not a positive thing that can be said about her. So why does God keep her around? Oh! I know!! To make their children's stepmom's miserable!!!
Just venting, having read a horrible description of a mother who "does not own her own home" and has a broken down car she drives her kids around in. She will never be rich, therefore she is worthless to this particular stepmom... How sad....
I just hope my son's stepmom has thought just a little more of me over the years....
Sadly,
Janice
RE:
I think part of why you're down is that you're looking at all of our rants about biomom and thinking that that's all we ever have to say about her. That's not to say that we don't have anything positive to say about her. Look at the top left corner of the website: "Where Stepparents Come to Vent". We come here and say these things because for many of us it's the only place that we can, and where people will listen to what we have to say and give advice and support because they've been there too. This site was designed to be a place for us to come and talk about our problems, not to discuss all of BM's redeeming qualities. I understand where you're coming from and what you're saying, but try to understand the purpose of the website and why we're all here.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I can relate to everything that you are saying, Janice....
But we all know that biomoms are not are ill-willed, ill-mannered, self absorbed, greedy witches or b?@#tches! We have to know that...OUR spouses married, slept with, dated...had an intimate relationship with these women at some point in their lives. Yes we can say they didn't like them, it was a one night stand...whatever we need to or want to BUT the less intimate the connection, what does that say about our spouses?! Now here they are with us....okay...and we have the kids.
As you well know biomom, every dad is not a kind, gentle, easy going, hard done by, generous, caring, victimized man who has been released from the clutches of an unwielding, horrible, drinking, cheating, lying woman...some actually did some not so great stuff too...now to be forever known as BM (which I always like...because in medical lingo we use this short form for bowel movement.)
I agree that every one of us should take a longer look at how we could make our situations better for EVERYONE, not just ourselves and know that as step parents, we don't have an objective view of what is best for step kids...we may think that we do and that is fine, but we are know more objective than parents are...but for the majority of parents, they have a life long vested interest in the well being of their children.
Isn't this all about just trying to build the best lives for everyone in less than ideal situations in a way that everyone can fill as though they win. Sure there are situations where this isn't going to be work but some of the battles just arent' worth the fight.
So BioMom, celebrate all that you have been and continue to be for your son and even for your ex. Without the history of your life as it is there would be no room for stepmom in his world. As you have pointed in other posts, you have done the best that you can and have changed a lot over the years. You have evolved into someone who has a lot of wisdom.
And what is the role of the biomom after dad has remarried...same as it was before, to be the best parent that she knows how to be at the time. Remember, if something happened to mom, sks would be with their dad ALL of the time and I don't think in general most would be happy with that either. After the phermones stop raging in a new relationship and you see the reality of what it takes to make a step family relationship work...for everyone...it is a real challenge. Whose needs take priority? Sometimes it is just a matter of trying to make the most out of a less than ideal situation.
IT IS VERY POSSIBLE THAT
IT IS VERY POSSIBLE THAT MANY OF THE WOMEN SEARCHING FOR HELP~ LIKE THIS WEBSITE HAVE THE MORE DIFFICULT BIOMOMS. IF MY SS MOM WERE NORMAL I WOULD HAVE NO NEED FOR ADVISE AND HELP FROM OTHERS. IF THINGS WERE RUNNING SMOOTHLY, I WOULDN'T BE HERE AND NEITHER WOULD A LOT OF THE OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS WEBSITE. THE IDEA IS THE ONES SEEKING HELP ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY AND THE ONES WHO ARE NOT ARE NOT HERE! THAT IS MY ONLY RESPONSE...
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It's not that BM's are all bad.....
But this forum is a place where stepmoms come to vent about what's bothering them. You don't see too many positive posts because those smoms that don't have problems typically don't go looking for a place like this! This is a sounding board for those stepmoms who are having problems in their situation. Please don't feel too bad. I admit, I'm not too fond of the BM in my life. (she feels she is entitled to the world but never returns the favor.) But I must admit that she is doing SOMETHING right because her kids are great!
I also think it's the situation........take the kids out of the equation and you have the current and former SO of a man. Do you really think they have positive things to say about the other?! Plus, I secretly think it makes SM feel better to think that BM is "bad" because it makes them feel better and less insecure about dealing with the former SO of your husband, and vice versa. BM may be a bad parent, BM may be a good parent. There are some good stepparents, and some pretty messed up stepparents out there too! But there ARE situations where BM, BD, and SM and SD all get along wonderfully. But since they can work through their problems, the don't have the need to come to a site like this. But I bet you are a great mom, so please don't take it personally.
Did you ever
think that maybe the biomom has been described as "a bad person" by the ex-husband to many of us and therefore we ended up going into to this with a negative attitude based on those views? Not all biomoms are bad, evil, worthless and neither are stepmoms. You don't know how many times men have tried to pick me up in the past and as soon as they would tell me they were divorced, they would begin to tell me what an evil bitch the ex was. My reply back to them was "and what exactly was your part in making this relationship work" or "you can't tell me she was a bitch from the beginning, how did she become this terrible person? Why did you marry her if she was so terrible?" Well, let me tell you these men would quite talking to me pretty quickly and move somewhere else. You see I'm a divorced biomom and my ex has painted the same evil picture of me to other people. He did the same to me about his first wife. I don't feel I'm crazy, bitchy,or anything else he has said even though I have probably been at times due to whatever circumstances are going on in my own life. Other peoples perception of you does not dictate who you are deep inside. Everyones different and I've been on both sides of the fence. I have had my share of annoyances with the my ex and his ex/steps. I've heard how my husband's ex had a terrible childhood and didn't have the same kind of loving household that my husband and I grew up in. I don't hate the ex's, I feel sorry for them. And some ex's do create problems intentionally. Don't take what is being said about someone else so personally. People on here are not talking about you! This is just a place to let those aggravations out. And to wish someone dead would be an evil thought to have about anyone. People are going to have their differences about many things in life.
Nymh's right
This is where we come to unload all that negative crap, commiserate with others in similar situations and get advice to get us through the day. I have to be honest, all I have seen from my husband's ex is the negative stuff. First, she cheated on him early in their marriage, got pregnant and tried to pass the baby off as his. (Uh, he was DEPLOYED OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS when she conceived, so that wasn't even biologically, physically or geographically possible.) When he decided to stay with her and do the right thing by claiming the child as his own, she decided that she needed more "security" and went off the pill without telling him. Pregnancy number two resulted in a second child he had no idea he was conceiving. She continued to be unfaithful, they separated a couple of times, then decided to give it one more try. When this happened, she again went off the pill without telling him so that she could have still more security with child number three. He felt like he was well and truly stuck then, so he tried to make it work. But he caught her cheating again and that was the final straw. It took longer for them to separate and get the divorce finalized than all the "happy" times that they were together combined. After the divorce, she pretty much held the kids hostage, demanding more and more money in exchange for visitation. She went ballistic when he married me and she flipped right out when we had kids together. She has called me every vile name in the book, ruined my pregnancy, took us to court for NOTHING, tried to come between me and my husband, tried to come between me and my in-laws, tried to ruin us financially, forged checks, etc. Anything that this woman could do to break me, she tried it. She does work hard at her job and makes a lot more money than my husband does, so that means she carries the financial burden for the kids. She also is responsible for getting them to and from school, activities, doctor's appointments, etc. So yes, she does carry a huge share of the burden when it comes to raising these kids, especially the two who are learning disabled, but that's only because she has tried every trick in the book to keep us out of the kids' lives against our constant struggle to be actively involved in their lives as co-parents. She's also made our life a living hell, so whatever good there is in this woman is cancelled out by all the hate and hostility she has dumped on us over the years. Fortunately, as Nymh said, this is WHERE STEPPARENTS COME TO VENT and not a forum for praising BMs. (And I am a BM, too, by the way!)
~ Anne ~
Everyone here needs to point out to me the obvious...
I DO understand what this website was created for. While I am not stupid enough to think it was created to praise BM, I doubt it was created so that she is to be targeted as THE reason for your unhappiness.... Biobashing is a common thread here. Yet "THE UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER" which was so politely pointed out to me, says step PARENTS.
I thought it was about parenting. But it is about BLAMING.....
I believe that the originators of this site created it so that STEPS could come and vent and share their frustrations. In turn they would receive validation, sympathy, empathy, and perhaps advice on how to handle things differently. All about being a parent....
If for some reason you think I am looking for you to credit me or give recognition for doing anything right, again.... I am not that stupid....
I don't think some of the people here have the objectivity or selfconfidence to actually give any credit to someone they obviously hate so much.
Believe it or not, Jesus did not even blame those who nailed him to the cross and crucified him. He did not lash out at them. He knew there was so many other factors that led those men to be there that day.
In no way am I suggesting that anyone should put up with emotional, physical, spiritual abuse. I just think that perhaps they cannot see the entire picture...... therefore cannot have the insight to realize that there are reasons for people's actions....anger...resentment. And I doubt very much it was brought around by accident or brought upon them by themselves....Someone led them there....
Janice
Look, I'm not trying to be a
Look, I'm not trying to be a smartass when I point out the purpose for this site, but I think that it's a valid point. I don't think that BM or anyone is the reason for my unhappiness, mainly because I am not an unhappy person. There are a lot of us on this site that actually are happy with our lives, but when a wrench is thrown in we like to talk about it and listen to people who have gone through the same thing. I can't help it that my stepson is an angel and his mother hates me with the fury of a thousand suns...so naturally most of my wrenches come from BM. Of course there are some people here who have little self confidence, but those people exist everywhere, it's not exclusive to this site. I think that you take offense to some of the things that people say about biomoms because you personalize those things and wonder if anyone could ever feel that way about you, or what you've done wrong to make us feel this way. Honestly I think that if the women we all deal with day in and day out were more like you, we wouldn't have much reason to be here. It's hard for me to read the things you're saying in this particular thread and not also take offense...because while I do find relief in coming to my safe steptalk haven and venting my frustrations; it was never my intention to make myself out to look better, smarter, more suitable, or whatever than biomom. I understand the need for maturity and objectivity but at the same time I feel that this site was designed for me to come and talk about things that bother me as a step, from my point of view and with utmost regards to my feelings; not to discuss biomom's positive qualities or give credit to her where credit is due. While I have no problem giving BM whatever credit she deserves, I don't feel that this site was created with that as a very high priority.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
To everything Nymh said...
Ditto!
Make a GREAT Day!
You are correct
I am the creator of this site and if I didn't have problems with my stepson's biomom, this site would not have been created. That's just the truth.
I would say that I am more frustrated with things than anything.
Dawn
I try to be objective.....
...but it is very hard for me usually. I may be a bit unique in my case, what with knowing the BM for 17 years, I've seen her "grow" during some critical years in a woman's life and after all this time it appears she still has the same issues. I will admit that she is a steady worker, and obviously knows what she's doing at her job. Beyond that I am just not seeing her good points. I do reflect on it to be fair, but then every new email just seems to re-enforce the negatives. I think a big part of it has to with the fact that I also don't think she thinks of me or my roles as both a BM and SM. All I hear are her criticisms of me, so yes, I think that feeds into my venting. I wish we could both see eye-to-eye at least once, but until that day ever comes, if it does, it helps me to know that there are others who feel and go through these same things sometimes.
Nymh...
I do realize that what this site is all about, and exactly what it is here for. Venting step parents..... After all, that is what attracted me to sign up and sign on. However, as I was going through today's posts, it seemed that biomom is the cause and blame for all that goes wrong in a step's life. One person actually wrote that if it weren't for the ex and step in their lives, they and their spouse would be fine. The ONLY time they have problems is when it comes to the ex and stepchild involved. Can we really be naive enough to think that is actually the only reason this husband and wife have problems? Sure, ex's and steps put strains on relationships, but no one will convice me that we are the only reason that you have problems. Another words, what this post was saying is that if biomom was not around, their life would be perfect? Really? If a husband and wife are having problems because of an issue with ex or step, it is NOT the root of their problem. Trust me when I tell you that their problems go way beyound us....
They argue not BECAUSE of us, but because they fail to reach an understanding together. We do not pit them against each other, they choose to do that to themselves. Like the person who informed his partner that he was spending Christmas morning with his son and ex, because it was all about his son. NOT! It is because he chose to be ignorant to her needs. I can understand his justifying his choice. I understand her pain in his decision. What I cannot understand is why their issue is biomom's fault? That is not to say that this particular woman blamed her, but others who posted back made comments to only fuel her resentment.
I guess that is my point. Hey, we all do need a place to go where we can rant and rave, vent and cry. We all need someone to justify our anger. Yet if you go on to read posts from today, there isn't much advice on how to make it better, only identifying with the original post and going on to fuel the anger. Nothing constructive, just more fanning of the flames.
I myself am guilty of the same. I come on here and scream "How dare she" and mention homicides every now and then. But when I first began "lurking" it seemed more as though the women (men) came to vent and ask for advice. It seemed more about looking for a solution to the situation..... It was about "hey, this is what is going on, how can I 'fix' it. And the others would suggest and recommend and share their experiences on how it worked out for them... Its more about being victimized instead of how to be a better parent for these kids.....whether bio, step or whatever.....
I was just left so deflated this morning after reading the newer posts. It was biobashing at it's worst. And I was really here to learn how you guys felt. So that I could relate or realize what I was doing to hurt you. I never dreamed it would get so ugly I guess.
Thank you for your well thought input.
I am the type of person who actually sits back before commenting. Knowing that I may not be as hurt, angry, sad, happy or indifferent if I just let an hour go by to sit with my feelings.....
I have become very analytical (spelling check pls) in my old age. And more sensitive than usual lately. Sorry if I came off bad...
Hugs,
Janice
RE:
Personally, I think it's naive to go into a relationship with someone who has an ex and kids with someone else and believe that your love of the man (or woman as the case may be) will take care of any fallout from the kids or the ex...that's just me...but I went into this knowing that the ex was going to be resentful and there were going to be some uncomfortable times in adjustment of stepmotherhood and with SS adjusting to having someone else around. It's really hard for me to understand comments like "if it just weren't for..." in regards to this type of situation because I became involved with full knowledge of the possibility that things would get ugly, and they did. I believe that working through these things, and trudging on through and despite the hardships has brought BF and I much closer. While I personally have frequent problems with BM, BF and I actually have a very good relationship. We very rarely fight, and we don't take our frustrations about other things out on each other. I guess it's just hard for me to read your comments on this thread without getting offended, because I wonder what it is that _I_ have done that's so wrong...I'm really trying to be understanding and objective, I'm sorry if I've come across as anything but to you.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Hopeful
It is not what she thinks of me....it is how I think of me that matters. FIRST AND FOREMOST.....
Ex-cessories....that is a classic. Thank you for making me smile.
Sometimes, when "blogging" or writing in a journal, my writings often have underlying meanings and a "read between the lines" kinda tone. I think that habit comes from my lack of privacy growing up...
But....You broke the code..... Hit the nail on the head..... You got it!! Or better yet, you are the only one so far that has any insight to my point. Thank you. All the postings on this particular page only leads me to believe what I am correct in thinking that it is with justification for our own relationships that we need to blame someone else......
Hugs and KISSES TOO!!
Janice
My Two Cents
I think that ALL problems are not a result of something that a biomom has done. I think that there are so many different reason's that people may fight with their spouse. There are many stresses in everybody's situation especially at this time of the year. I also know that ALL biomom's are not bad people. Yes some are not pleasant. I know personally, that I will not be friends with my stepson's biomom in the near future. However, I've been in this step situation long enough where I am more secure in my position. Yeah, things still come up that bother me but I really am only looking out for the best interest of my stepson. I want him to grow up to be a well rounded, decent person. Sometimes things are done by biomom that are not in his best interest. I'm not blaming her for my problems. These are facts that cause stepson to have problems.
Sometimes I type things not because I am looking for advice but because I can't believe something that happened. Sometimes I do look for advice.
I know that my stepson's mom hates my guts. My stepson has told me this. That does bother me a bit but only because HE has to listen to that kind of hate.
I'm human. I can't have warm and fuzzy feelings for biomom. I feel bad about that sometimes but then I think back to when I first met biomom. I didn't have any feelings one way or another towards her. Her actions and words have led me to my feelings now.
So, to wrap this up, because my dinner that I am cooking for my husband and stepson is ready,....... some people do treat others very poorly, some people are very upset while they are typing here.
I will have to continue this later if need be.........everybody is hovering in the kitchen.......gotta go!!
Dawn
Dawn, I had you in mind when posting here....
I am not kissing ass here, lol. But you and one other person seem to post about biomom without bashing. The tone is sheer frustration but never bashing. Perhaps it is because you have been in the pool so long, your used to the water.....
And maybe you have realized that while some problems can be contributed to bio, you vent and move towards solutions rather than have it impact your son.
And I believe because of your maturity level and true motherly insticts, combined with your security with your spouse, you can only be a true asset to your son..... You husband is a very lucky man I might add. I do not see the arguing and pouting that goes along with most posts regarding frustration with what bio did today. You seem to be a truly united front in everything you do. You cannot feel resentment towards someone who is truly on your side. I have never once seen you mention any discord regarding your decisions about your son.
While I am not saying that there are not other mom's here that truly love their steps, quite the contrary. I see woman post who could probably be deemed homicidal over the love they have for their stepchildren....and the lengths they are willing to go to protect them.
If arguments with bio's ensue because the best interest of the child is at stake, swing away!! I vote for the child...always......
That was kinda my point of my original post. Some didn't quite get that. Or the fact that I was trying to nicely have them look elsewhere when pointing the blame...that's all.
Again, not to pucker up, but every one of your posts ooze with love and compassion for who is most important. For the one's we are supposed to be here for......
Hugs,
Janice
Thank you BIOMOM
I will make sure to relay that lucky part to my husband but I truly think that he knows that!!
Yes, I have been in the pool quite long(I guess I'm a little prune-y) and yes I like to think that I'm mature and try to think things through before acting. I might mention too that I am the oldest adult out of my husband,myself and biomom. Let's just say I am more than 5 years older than both of them. Ok, no cradle robbing jokes.....please!
I will also say that my situation has gotten much better since the beginning. Problems have gotten worked out through much effort! I do think that stepson is so much better off now than he was in the beginning! That is my main goal! If he is doing good then my husband and I are happier because of that!
Dawn
I just have to be honesty
I just have to be honesty and say that MOST of the time I am talking about negative things that have occurred and that MOST of the time, there is nothing positive to speak about….Also for the most part, me and my husband RARELY fall out over things that happen b/c we are usually on the same page. As far as biomom goes....we don’t have positive constructive conversation and the only time that we do talk is when we bicker…sad but true! I cannot write about her in that “light” b/c that is not the light that I know her in…I’m not her friend and she is not mine and I’m okay with that….
Make a GREAT Day!
Biggest load of BS I've ever heard.
"If a husband and wife are having problems because of an issue with ex or step, it is NOT the root of their problem. Trust me when I tell you that their problems go way beyound us...."
"We do not pit them against each other, they choose to do that to themselves."
Sorry, but I disagree here. Some BMs really ARE hateful, jealous, vindictive people who intentionally do things and manipulate situations so that they turn out adversely for the "new family," so to speak.
It isn't "bashing" if it's the truth and I know that I have not lied nor exaggerated ONCE.
~ Anne ~
Anne
You are correct here. Some people are just mean at heart and do things just to be hateful. Not all biomoms are hateful and not all hateful people are biomoms.
I believe that you are being truthful and you have the bad luck of having to deal with one of these hateful people.
In my situation, while biomom is hateful to me, she mainly just doesn't think things through before she does them. I don't truly think that she is a hateful person to other people.
Dawn
Very true...
I come from both sides, being a stepmom and a biomom, and I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, so I don't take offense at anything anyone says. I try to see every side of every situation. Sometimes what I see is just, well, unflattering to the biomom, not because of the way I see her, but because of the way she herself acts. I tried really hard to get my ex to be a father to his son, but he didn't want to have anything to do with him. That's why it pains me so much to see my husband want so desperately to be included in his kids' lives, only to have his ex-wife, the BIOMOM, do everything in her power to prevent it. If I could suck it up and try to include my ex for the sake of the child, why can't she do the same with my husband and skids? While there is probably a biomom stereotype being portrayed here by steps, I think it is also true that there is a step stereotype being similarly portrayed by bios. I don't think it matters which side wins, I love the back-and-forth and exchange of perspectives. I just think it's flat out wonderful that this site exists. We're all free to express our opinions here, right, wrong or indifferent.
~ Anne ~
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Hugs to Janice
Oh gosh, I hope you don't think that I was trying to imply that you were wrong for saying that we shouldn't just jump to "bash" mode. The things you've said here have helped me to reflect on things again, and you do have good points. I love the fact that Jesus could accept and love all types, even his persecutors. I'd like to aspire to that level, but I know I'm not perfect. I'd love to be able to use solutions instead of criticizing....we have actually tried to use relationships exercises and suggested counseling with BM, for the best interest of SS and everyone involved. She refuses. Beyond that I don't know what to do, because DH and I cannot change her, only ourselves.
I could turn the other cheek and not ever place blame on her, which I have also done for short periods of time....after awhile, I admit I feel like a doormat when she keeps things up. Alot of it (for me) stems from the fact that she's also nasty to and causing problems for our own children, who she knew were part of our lives already when she got pregnant with SS. It is hard to fully forgive her for the adultery with DH when she continues to rub my face in things, I'm unsure how to see her as non-malevolent when she has admitted to purposely doing many things that hurt our family.
That's why I don't know what to think about the topic of "would the relationship with DH be better off without BM's intrusions". I know it wouldn't be perfect by any means. But when she's made it clear she wants my husband in jail, and our 8 year old was in tears because Daddy couldn't spend Thanksgiving with us last year, and BM would tell me that she deserved more money than our household simply because she "filed first" (I never intended on using DRS, I had to because we were on public assistance and him being in jail required me to file a case), as she's bragging to me about being "out to dinner" with her husband and her friends~ while she knew I was there alone struggling to provide for 5 kids....I wish I knew the way NOT to let that stuff bother me and not think of her in a bad way. It's just there, in my thoughts.
I also have tried to see it from a fellow woman's perspective~ I don't know....my other friends have never tried to seduce my husband, and he has never done anything to them. Sure we all have our moments of griping
, but usually not about each other, and never at this kind of level. She is literally the only person I know personally that I cannot get along with (anymore). I am at a loss for a constructive way to interact with her, and so is my husband. We are a united front, (another thing I am not trying to blame her for, but what else is it?) but she tries to separate us in that she has told me several times NOT to talk, just my husband. Even when she's saying things about me or our kids. And she wants my husband to meet her alone, and throws a fit if my husband mentions me or our children. For the sake of our marriage, don't we have to be firm against that? The only other solution would be to feed into her wants even more, and I am tired of that.
Sorry I have rambled...I do want you to know you made me think, Janice. And in no way is this saying you are wrong....I'd like to think there is still help, and still a way for things to work out with BM.
Maybe you are here to help us. Many blessings to you and everyone!
Awww....sosmomof6....
Thank you for the hug and kind words....Just when I thought I would be alienated from all of you.....
Funny, I didn't expect the backlash and anger that this post has created. Besides here, someone else started a post in recognition of this one.....
I had never intended to hurt anyone's feelings. I was simply asking if there was anything at all that each step could find in their child(ren)'s biomom. I mostly received more justification in their hate for her......
My main reason for posting was to ask each person to look deep within themselves and see if perhaps they played even the smallest part in the toxic relationship with bio's. As you can see, no one owned any part in that. Only more reasons why bio is hated.....
Interestingly enough, I ventured out to see if I could find a similar site, where maybe bio's bash the step's but I can't seem to find one..... yet. However, I have found very constructive sites on building up the relationships between bio's and step's. But, sadly, BOTH would have to be willing. And I can only see step perspective on THAT issue.....
Hugs Back At Ya!
Janice
No anger or backlash....
I guess what I was trying to say last night is the confusion and sadness I feel. What part do I play in the relationship....there is the fact that I am with DH, and we have our 6 children. How do I rectify for that issue without apologizing for my family whom I love? Since I have ceased talking to her now, I don't understand how I take an active role in her lashing out at me or our kids. When I used to respond to her, I can see how I could've let it go, how I was only feeding into it. What am I doing now to invoke her malice, and what could our kids be doing? I would love to check out that site...you're not alienated, it's true~ the focus should be on the kids, both bio and step. That is one thing we never do...there are no issues between DH or I over SS. When he's here he is really no different than if he were our own. I just wish BM could be more humane, not even to me or DH , but at least our children
I wonder?!
Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe it's not a BM vs. SM thing or even an ex-wife vs. new wife thing. Maybe it's about custodial vs. non-custodial parents and that constant struggle for equal time and access and the lengths that some people will go to "protect" the children from changes to the status quo.
I also tend to think that custodial BMs don't seem to NEED an outlet to vent about their children's wicked stepmothers. They've got the world at large as their forum. They can say whatever they want to our faces and, if we don't smile and agree, they can just pull the kids' visitation, punishing our husbands for being happily married to us.
The BM is always right, because she's THE MOTHER. Society perpetuates the myth - yes, MYTH! - that stepmothers are wicked, vile people who try to destroy BM's life and are mean to the kids. I am sure there are some SM's that totally fit that bill. Some of us, however, do not and it's unfortunate that people focus on the STEP part of stepmother and not on the MOTHER part. I've walked a very fine line for many years trying to mother my stepchildren as I would my own children, without ruffling the feathers of their BM. It's impossible. Stepmoms can't win.
One other comment I have is that I absolutely do not hate my skids' mother. Despite everything she's done to try to hurt us and especially my husband, I just don't hate her. I can totally see where she's coming from... she can't reproduce with her new husband, she's in a bad marriage, anyway, one kid has two dads, the other two kids are ADHD and one is PDD, she's a workaholic, she's had some health problems, I'm almost ten years younger than she is, her ex has a happy second marriage while her's is crappy, she had a yucky childhood and doesn't get along with her own parents, etc. I'd hate to BE her, but I don't hate her. I can totally see why she is the way she is. She has every reason to be spiteful and jealous and to feel threatened. She has every right to feel the way she does, but she has NO right to take it out on me, my husband or the kids. And that is my gripe.
As to what we, as the stepmoms, contribute to the toxicity, I think we all contribute just by virtue of the fact that we married BM's ex-husband and father of her children. That's nail #1 in the coffin. Sometimes we contribute unknowingly by being gung-ho about co-parenting our new skids, not realizing that we are stepping on BM's toes. I can truthfully say that I have never done anything to intentionally hurt BM for the sole purpose of hurting her. I'm sure it probably doesn't make her feel great to know that her son likes my pot roast better than hers and it probably hurts her feelings when he says it, but I don't make a good pot roast just to show her up. I make it because sometimes I don't feel like cooking and the crock pot can be a real savior. ;°)
~ Anne ~
P.S. to Janice: People get fired up when they really believe in something. Kudos to you for opening up some lively debate.
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