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The Other Woman in Your Life
For ex-wives and stepmoms: A guide to getting along
"It's often not obvious problems that cripple stepfamilies, but small, mosquito-sized ones," says Marjorie Engel, Ph.D., a stepmom and president of Stepfamily Association of America.
About 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, the Census Bureau estimates, with roughly 75 percent of divorced people remarrying. That's a lot of stepfamilies -- and a lot of uneasy conversation. But interactions within extended families don't have to be unpleasant. Follow these simple rules of etiquette and you can avoid misunderstandings and emotional blowups.
Avoid competition
If you're the ex-wife, try to avoid competitive parenting and keep in mind that it's good for kids to have one more positive adult role model. Don't just think of her as the new wife; think of her as someone who's important to the children.
If you're a stepmother, let the child's mom know that you're not trying to replace her -- you just want to do your part to help take care of the child. Ask her to share day-to-day information like schedules and changes in diet. For issues such as discipline, it's best to reinforce her and your husband's decisions at first.
Offer an Olive Branch
When divorced mom, Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood called her 6-year-old son Evan's stepmom Louise Oxhorn one rainy morning, she started a storm of her own. Oxhorn-Ringwood knew she'd forgotten to pack Evan's raincoat and decided to drop it off on her way to work. "Was she kidding?" Oxhorn fumed afterward. "Did she honestly think we'd send Evan to school without a raincoat? How insulting!"
Establish some politeness and you will always have something to fall back on after exchanges like these. When you see the other woman, smile, make eye contact, say hello, and watch your body language. Yes, even she deserves these standard social graces.
Call on the man in the middle
He's the one who got you both into this situation, but what's Dad's role in helping his ex and his new wife to get along?
Many men wind up taking the chameleon approach, says family therapist Marjorie Vego Krausz. "He'll side with whichever mom he's talking with because he doesn't want to make anyone angry." This might be nice in the moment, but doesn't work for anyone in the long run.
Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to step out of the spot-light to allow Dad to be a more assertive parent. The more involved he is, the easier it'll be for all parents to get along.
Seize turning points
For Louise Oxhorn and Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, reconciliation started only after another blowup. Oxhorn was dropping off Evan, and the two women noticed they were wearing the same shoes. "I felt like my whole life had been stolen," Oxhorn remembers, "and I blew up."
Afterward, though, she was so sick at the thought that she and Evan's stepmom were still duking it out that she called to apologize. The mending conversations began from that point. Last year, Evan went off to college, and both moms were there to help him settle into his dorm.
Even if you don't get quite that friendly, you can work out your differences. And with all the extra adults in your child's family, you can rely on one thing: Your child will never lack for love.
Sounds sooo easy, don't it girls??
Perhaps we can "pass it on" to that other woman???
Hugs,
Janice
I read this.. And could only wish..
I think a lot of my reasoning for the dislike is I know that she wants him back.. But more importantly my husband is the one who likes to keep us separated. I am not sure why that reason is.. But he likes to deal with her on his own and me on his own. I know one time I called her to talk to her about something and I told him I called her and he got very angry with me.. "saying I need to just let things go and crap. Personally I think that he should have been angry at his mother beause had she not told me that the ex went to her and told her she wanted him back if he would let her come back and blah blah blah.
I mean my ex husband has a GF and her and I talk and I think its better and healthier for all of us involved my children especially. I am sure for his GF its awkward when we are all somewhere togther.. But really I try to just be my kids mom its that simple.. If I could talk to her about paying CS and all the other stuff him and I have to talk about I would ... Just its easier.. But then again I have no feelings what so ever for my ex.. Just he is the father of my children.
Anyways.. Also to the respectof her being his ex and the mother of his children.. I would not mind doing things such as graduations and crap together.. for the kids but she would have to acknowledge that I am his wife.. Not just some fly by night hooker.. (sorry).. Sometimes I think that she just thinks that one of these days he is going to wake up and poof I am going to be gone.. And for her I hate to say it but I would not just walk away without a fight.. Unless he said I do not love you or something to that effect.
Anyways.. I am not really all that hateful but when I do not see any respect coming from her then I have a hard time with her.. Does that make sense?
I respect my ex's GF and I make sure my kids know that they need to respect her. Its not always easy thinking of this woman with my kids.. I mean that is just human.. But I would never deter them from a relationship with her, which is what I think my husband ex does to her kids with me.. They are older but I can tell that the 15 year old tries to make her mom happy all the time, especially when it comes to me..
So I wish someone could explain how the dynamics work with the husband and getting him to quit being so two lives going..
That is what I think of it as..
He has one life with her and then he has a new (better) life with me.. You know.. Does that make sense..
Sure it makes sense, Happy...
Sure it makes sense but it is not something that you can influence or change. This is his issue and unless his opinion changes on this subject, nothing will change. Try not to stress about it. A woman can't make a man change his mind about a commitment to love someone. If anything ever did happen to introduce his wife back into his life...that isn't the kind of situation that you would want anyways...is it? Women fighting or stressing over men...why do we do this to ourselves? I bet your husband isn't stressing over your ex... Enjoy what you currently have, Happy. Let your husband deal with his ex. And the sks, be yourself...if they like you, great. If they don't, oh well. The kids will always want and need the approval of their biological parents...no matter what. That is okay. Don't try to change or influence that. Think about your kids and what you would want for them and from them regarding your ex's GF. Peace to you, Happy.
your right..
I am trying not to let this or her get to me..
One thing I have figured out is it is a power struggle with me.. I do not like being told what to do in my own home by noone.. She tries to dictate crap at my house and then the son tries to tell me what to do, so I figured out its a power struggle for me.. I am trying to take my STANCE at my house.. You know.. Like let everyone know that its my place.. (at least that is what I am thinking)
I am insecure.. And for what reason I am not sure.. I am not trying to brag, at all.. But I am pretty.. 125#, 5'8" brown eyes and hair.. My complection is clean the only thing I would change is my "pitty titties" from having kids.. You know when you lay down and they go to your arm pits and you look like a flat chested 10 year old.. LOL.. And I have no butt.. Its flat.. But other then that.. I am pretty.. When I look in the mirror I do not say Yuck.. I usually say ooh you look pretty hott today.. LOL and really I do not do that either.. Maybe I should to build my self esteem again..
I never really had these insecurities before him.. Crazy as that sounds..
Maybe my real problem is not with her.. But with my husband.. Maybe its how he handles things with her.. You know.. Am I on to something. And I want to say, my husband is a good person, he helps me with my kids, he makes me laugh and he is very good abu thelping around the house.. but its how he handles her.. I guess he excludes me to save face of a fight whether it be with me or her.. And then I look at that like she should not matter at all. Does that make sense?
Sure it does Happy...
But Happy you nailed in your posting when you said maybe you should tell yourself more awesome that you look great...but even more important that you are great! Just as you are...everyone has little things that they wish were different about themselves but you are a terrific person...so tell yourself that more often. If you feel like the best around, you would know that hubby already has all that he needs (you already know that in your head...now let your heart buy into that completely!) Most of all you have to believe in YOU....100%...the good and the not so good stuff.
Hmm...
I think that these guidelines are great when you're dealing with a rational, reasonable, compassionate person with a good head on her shoulders and the child's best interests at heart.
What are the guidelines for when you're dealing with an irrational, unreasonable, selfish person who does everything in her power to alienate her child from her dad, step-mom and new siblings because she is vindictive and childish and throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way because the only interests she has at heart are her own!?
all you can do is your best
and that is it. It is so frustrating and unfair that you work to be rational, compassionate, and fair, and then the other person who holds you accountable to all the "rules" breaks every one of them. All you can do, is try to be a positive role model, enforce and abide by the parenting plan..and that is all you can do. Unfortunately there are no referees for this game, and usually crazy bm's (not all of them are crazy...I'm a bm for pete sake:)) get to break all the rules and point the finger at you. It isn't fair, and it hurts, but you just can't do too much about it..
I hope your situation improves...ours did after a few years...so have some hope!
Good question...
Good question...I don't know the answer to this. I do know that you will never be able to influence or control her behaviour and perhaps it may never change. You can only control your response and your actions...whatever that is that works for you.
What do you think about this one?
My ex's wife (sm) has told me on a couple of occasions that she had a feeling that he still loved me..... I usually pooh-poohed her. But ONE TIME, I was so angry with her, I remained quiet for a moment and then responded with "Oh really, I'm so sorry"....SHE WAS PISSED!
Another one of our better times in communicating she said that she was afraid because I was the one that left him. She knew how hurt he was. Was she afraid that if I snapped my fingers he would come running? Or was she angry because someone had hurt him so bad? Or was she saying that as much as she hated me, she hated picking up my sloppy seconds.....
I have not run into any situation where things are ideal. First families, second families, blended or whipped, NOTHING is ever perfect. I really do wish that there was just some way that everyone could come to a rational/sane place and go on from there....
Thank God I realized my son was more important than any cat fight I may win.....
It's a shame, her and I don't speak much anymore. My son is older now, so the need for communication is not as great.
But I do have one for you......
My son got his senior hs football pics back. We purchased a 5x7 for their home. I was out and picked up a nice oak frame and had my son put the pic in it. When he gave it to them, his Dad was so excited!
She said the following: Well, the picture is nice, but that frame is ugly. Hon, we'll have to get a new frame.
My ex responded: Jesus Chr*st, your NEVER satisfied! I love the frame "son", thank you. And please just ignore her....
Now, she did not know I bought the frame. At least my son said he didn't say I bought it.
Question: WHY be so mean to a 17 year kid you have known since he was 5!!???
Any answers out there?
Hugs,
Janice
That is the reason that I
That is the reason that I believe in LIMITED conversation…you would NEVER find me confiding personally in biomom…for what?! She is NOT my FRIEND….I think it is great to be cordial (if and when you can be!) but to have “girl talk”…there is NO WAY!
Make a GREAT Day!
I guess being a stepmother,
I guess being a stepmother, I see the reverse. Sometimes in my situation I think 'how can this child be so mean to me, I've been caring for him since he was an infant' (6 months old)
And it just seems like each year he gets older the more he hates me.
?
I guess stepparents don't represent good things to children...... No matter how hard we try.
Probably true skye22..
You are probably right skye22 but perhaps stepkids don't dislike the person but rather what they represent in their lives.
exactly!!!!!
exactly!!!!!
fantasy world?
So how do we overcome that negative image? I am as much of a parent to my Skids as their BM-- if not more. I feel like I am their mom. If what you're saying is true, culture will influence their opinion of me more than any loving relationship I can cultivate with them, and there's nothing I can do. Am I living in a fantasy world to think I can change it?
That is very kind of you to put the photo in a gift.
Why is a very good question biomom, especially in front of your son. If she didn't like the frame...fair enough, but hang it up as it is anyways...a gift is a gift as it is given.
In regards to your comments about new wife not liking your reply about hubby possible having feelings for you, perhaps she was upset because you made it clear you didn't want him. Sometimes people and situations seem more intriguing, attractive when someone else desires it too. She also doesn't give her husband very much credit or herself for that matter. Like you said, it is too bad that when situations don't work out, people can't move on in harmony.
So, saying the frame was ugly was not mean?
You don't find that mean? I am TRULY asking..... I mean, my son (socially retarded, btw) is extremely shy and quiet..... For him to even give them the pic was probably embarassing to him.
I found it to be a mean comment, since he is the one who brought the picture to them....
Maybe I'm missing something??
Hugs,
Janice
I do find it very mean. That
I do find it very mean. That was uncalled for. I would never treat my ss like that.
Skye?
Reverse how?
Jan
Of course it is mean...
Of course it is insensitive and mean. It must have been a very unpleasant, awkward moment for your son.
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