Gitana's picture

Don't know if I can handle this anymore. Fiancé has three kids and I just can't accept it HELP

I have been with my fiancé for a year and a half. It sounds like a short time but we moved in after two months and were engaged after three. We have been through so much in such a short amount of time. He has 3 kids and very early in our relationship (after moving in) i realized that it bothered me. At first! I didn't quite understand why. I just knew that I didn't understand his love for them because I did not feel it (of course). I felt threatened by it and started to worry if he would have enough for me and our future family since he had responsibility (emotionally, time wise and financially) to a whole other family. I told him right away my feelings and concerns. He reassured me that i was the most important thing to him and that our family would take priority over the other kids. In his words, "all I do is see them for 2 days every other week. What is the big deal?" Everytime I was at the point of leaving over my conflicting feelings about his kids he would make promises to me like that he would never let the kids come and live with us, that even if their mom were to dihershey would go live with their grandmother (who lives next door to them and home schools them anyway, we live in new York and they live in Connecticut). He always out me before them and made them seem somewhat insignificant, which may sound horrible to some, but it kept me there with him. I could not control my discomfort during their visits. They are nice kids but I just feel invaded by them. I live in a fairly small NYC apartment and when they came I felt I had no privacy and they just reminded me of all my fears and insecurities about our future, not to mention reminding me of his past with other women. The funny thing is my fiance is super jealous and literally went hysterical when he saw a picture of me and my ex. He couldn't stand to see me with another man even in a photo and yet his kids are like living photos of his past with his exes. Yes plural two of his kids are from his ex wife and one is from a later girlfriend. He was an alcoholic and has been sober for 10 years now. He and his ex wife got married when he was 21 and they had their two children when he was 23 and 24. She is 5 years older than him. They divorced when the kids were 1 and 2 years old. His next girlfriend was 13 years older than he. She is a very successful real estate developer and they were together for 3 years. She was 45 and decided that she wanted a child before it was too late. Their relationship was not working out and she was considering going to a sperm bank to be artificially inseminated. She begged him to give her a baby, swore not to collect child support and even said that he never had to see the child or have any responsibility at all. He made what he now considers a very stupid decision and gave her a baby. When they baby was 2 months old they broke up. She never asked for child support and even asked for him to sign away his paternal rights and responsibilities and agree that the child would go live with her sister if something were to happen to her. He did not agree to this until he and I were together, he has since signed those papers for her, but still sees the child. Because of our fights and turmoil over the kids he canned their visit from 2 days every other week to two days every three weeks and usually it ends up that they come for 2 days every month (sometimes less) because of us going n vacation or them having plans efc. I didn't want to be with him because of the kids but I stayed because he kept doing things to get me to stay. And now I think I love him too much to leave and this scares me. I was ready to leave before and I didn't take my chance.


StickAFork's picture

This man is a complete and

This man is a complete and total asshole.

He signed away rights to one of his children because he's with you.
He's said that if the mother of his other two children DIES, the kids are living with someone other than him.

FORGET the stepkids. WHY ON EARTH would you want to be with a man so lacking in character? And how in the world would you consider making a "future family" with this man?!?

He has shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Gitana's picture

Those actions do make him an

Those actions do make him an asshole. But I wanted him to do these things. Before we met he refused to sign the rights away and wanted the kids to live with him in the case of their moms death, but I told him I could not live with that and wanted to start a family with no threats of the other kids coming to live with us, because I truly don't want to live like that. I was willing to leave over it. That is when he made the changes. Maybe some would say he is an asshole for choosing me over his kids, but that is what I wanted and needed form him. The problem is that evenin this situation the kids still bother me, but now I feel I am in too deep to leave.

StickAFork's picture

Then you truly deserve every

Then you truly deserve every bit of the asshole he is.

Karma is a big, fat, royal bitch. Beware.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

hatemydad's picture

delete.

delete.

Gitana's picture

Of course I know they would

Of course I know they would be half siblings, but he already has two kids from one mother and one from another and those half siblings are not very involved in each others lives given that they hardly see their dad. I have no problem with my kids having a relationship with the other kids, as long as they are not members of my household. I signed up to be a wife and mother to our kids not take responilty for another three. And it doesn't even matter If I feel this way because this was already the dynamic between both sets of kids way before I came along. He never even had photos of his kids in the house before he and I met, so I am very tired of the guilt which I feel over this since it is his responsibility to look out for his children and not mine.

hatemydad's picture

Chances are the skids have

Chances are the skids have noticed you don't want them around and DH has made changes to make it stay or they consider your DH more like a distant relative. So they are bound to either not to want to come around. What are the relationships with the skids actually like anyway?

Gitana's picture

They are very nice and

They are very nice and obedient kids. They are very scared to speak their minds or share their opinions, they never disagree or talk back to dad. Or me for that matter. I am friendly with them, but I do try to stay away a lot during their visits (like go to dinner with my family or a movie with my cousin etc.). They know that I am invited to do anything they do because their dad always trieds to get me to go with them, but they also see that I usually don't, but I never have said an open bad word to them, and even ask them how their mom and sister are etc...(even though we have a whole other issue with the mother). They do not call their dad ever in between visits and I get the sense that they don't really want to even see him. You see, he was very harsh with them when they were little, he kind of scared them into behaving (not physically, but with a loud voice and a little bullying) I saw him bully them when he and I first started but I kept intending when he would to defend them. He has become much best about being softer with them. But they are very very close and attached to mom and grandma and their little sister (who is not my fiances daughter). I feel, but I could be wrong, that he idealizes his relationship with them to something that it is not, and thinks he is more important to them than he actually is. Or it might be that I make them uncomfortable via energy alone. ...

Gitana's picture

Ps. The reason he signed the

Ps. The reason he signed the rights was to ensure she could never come for back child support as per their agreement, he still has some visitation with the child.

StickAFork's picture

LOL, THAT makes it all ok.

LOL, THAT makes it all ok. But he didn't do it until YOU demanded that he do it.
That doesn't even make sense.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

tog's picture

No offense meant, but if he

No offense meant, but if he walks away so easily from these kids, he will walk away from your kids someday too. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Gitana's picture

Well, I never demanded I just

Well, I never demanded I just told I'm I was going to leave and he did it because he knew it might make me stay, I never asked out loud for it, but I admit that it is the only reason I stayed.

Echo's picture

Absolute blunt response

Absolute blunt response here...

I don't know I'm more disgusted by. You or your f'ing loser boyfriend. You deserve each other and those poor kids don't deserve either of you. There's a special place in a hell for a "man" (which he is NOT) who walks away from his kids so he can get laid and for the chick that encouraged him to do it.

Shame on you. I hope you have your tubes tied and that he's had a vasectomy so that neither of you can screw up any more kids lives. Going to throw up now...you're both disgusting human beings.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Disneyfan's picture

What she said. You will pay

What she said.

You will pay for this. You have fucked up three kids because you were to selfish to walk away from this "man".

Gitana's picture

So it's up to me to walk away

So it's up to me to walk away from him. Why can't he walk away from me? They are his kids after all and not mine

Echo's picture

Oh, grow UP !!! What are

Oh, grow UP !!! What are you....7?

You screwed up the lives of three kids. In your defense, he's the worst f'ing sperm donor on the face of the Earth, so the kids are better off without him. He's an ignorant,self absorbed, knuckle dragging, sewer swimming, gutter rat f'ing loser.

And you a million percent deserve each other. You are two of a kind. Stay with him. PLEASE. It will keep either of you from polluting the potential gene pool of any other family. In the name of God and ALL things holy...get your tubes tied. I'll pay for it...although chances are, based on your level of intellect, I would guess my tax dollars are already supporting you.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Gitana's picture

You know I could not respond,

You know I could not respond, but you are disgusting, I came to this forum for advice on a conflict and dilemma in my life. Constructive advice, obviously I'm conflicted about it if I am here. You are so judgmental. And for your information I am an NYU graduate and Columbia University PHD. So I don't need your tax dollars, but thanks for the advice.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

All those credentials and you

All those credentials and you can't find a better man than the one you are with? All those credentials and you are threatened by a man's children? Really?

Keep calm and carry on...

Echo's picture

LOL I'M disgusting? And you

LOL I'M disgusting? And you base that on what? You say I'm judgmental like it's a bad thing. LMAO People judge a hundred times a day. So what. When I see ignorant, stupid, cruel, self absorbed and selfish, I call it out. Hello.

You can have any degree you want. It has in no way made you intelligent. What you've done and are doing is reprehensible and revolting. Plain and simple. Not sure why you're so offended by that. You CHOSE the behavior, so own it proudly. If you're not proud of what you've done and are doing, stop doing it.

Stay with this loser. I'll keep saying it...you're both disgusting and you're doing the world a favor by staying together. And that whole whiny BS "But I looooove him" Wah. Get over yourself. You love that you took a dead beat Dad away from his kids. As I said before: You did those kids a favor. Their lives are infinitely better with that piece of trash or his girlfriend.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Disneyfan's picture

Why does it matter WHO walks

Why does it matter WHO walks away?

Disneyfan's picture

Why does it matter WHO walks

Why does it matter WHO walks away?

Gitana's picture

Because it is hard to walk

Because it is hard to walk away when you love someone. At least he could leave for the sake of his kids who he loves, but it's harder for me to do that considering that they are practically strangers to me. If I could gather the strength, I would leave. That is why I shared on this forum, but it seems most people are not helpful, but simply ready to attack.

snowdrop's picture

It sounds like he was not

It sounds like he was not super involved with the kids and looking for an excuse to be less involved long before you came along. You were the perfect excuse for him to be (more of) a deadbeat dad.

I think it's safe to say that most women in the beginning stages of a relationship with a man with kids have feelings of panic and apprehension. I know I did. But my DH did not respond by getting rid of his kids. He reassured me, talked it out with me, answered my questions... in those times we went slower with our relationship. The fact that you're having a problem with the kids and not sure where you'll fit into this whole situation is NORMAL. His response, was not.

You've triggered something with the women here-- certainly you can understand why, we're stepmothers and we see how important a father-child relationship is. But I think your fiancé is to blame, not you. So many women on this site struggle with trying to get their men to be different parents than they are (stricter, more consistent, more fair, more involved, less involved, etc) and many women learn the hard way that they cannot make their men be "GOOD" fathers, why would you be to blame for making him a "BAD" father?

You love him... it's going to be hard to leave. But you know this relationship isn't right for you. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself. <3 good luck woman!

Gitana's picture

Thank you. How long did it

Thank you. How long did it take your worried feelings to go away? If ever...

snowdrop's picture

I think that's a tricky

I think that's a tricky question, I don't think it's about time but rather the relationship AND the woman. We're all different, being a stepmother is not for everyone (especially of THREE with two BMs!!! It's hard!!!).

The feelings did not just go away on their own (And even 4 years later sometimes feelings like that still pop up) instead my DH reassured me and supported me. He's shown me what kind of a man he is through his actions. He's a great parent and takes good care of his kids, he values me and thanks me endlessly for the help I give, he went to therapy for 2 years to help him to work through the issues that lead to his mistakes with BM and to be a better partner to me, he allows me to feel how I feel, he brings skids to therapy and is consistent with them... He tells me and shows me that he can offer a good foundation for our future and marriage.

Is he showing you he's emotionally healthy? Is he behaving in a way that you find comforting and supportive? Can you respect him?

It's ok to love the guy but to decide that he's not right for you. You sound like you've got a lot to offer. Those degrees are impressive! Don't be afraid to love yourself enough to leave if this isn't right for you.... There will be other men you love and who love you-- perhaps even deeper or more than you love your fiancé.

fedup13's picture

All things aside OP, like

All things aside OP, like Snowdrop said above, it is ok to love him but decide the situation is not right for you. If he is good to you, you guys get along, and you can overlook his failings as a father and choose to be with him, that is your choice and it does not matter what anyone else thinks. Your life is your journey and no one else will ever truly understand because they cannot walk a mile in your shoes. You don't have to defend your choices either.

Gitana's picture

Thank you, thank you, thank

Thank you, thank you, thank you! He and I were talking about this last night. There are many factors... I appreciate your words.

Gitana's picture

Yes my fiancé was in therapy

Yes my fiancé was in therapy as well after his divorce. He also is in AA , and goes to meetings everyday. He is very very good to me. Very understanding, compassionate, generous and sweet. He wants to get married and start a family with me (have babiesetc.). It is very important for him to have a family, like one household inmediate family, because that's how his parents were (he is one of ten children and his parents were together 40 years before his mother died). He told me he will always love and see his other kids but that OUR family and I will always be the top priority. And he does show me on a regular basis that i am top priority. I mean, he pays his child support on time every month and he makes some effort to see the other kids but they are not a main part of his evryday life. He even wants to move out of the country when we have babies and they are a little older. I wouldn't want to leave my parents so I was surprised he would leave his other children to move so far away but did say he would want them to come visit a week or two every year. But still I wouldn't want to leave my family personally. But I see that he can because his dream was always to have ONE, united family and I know a lot of people won't understand that and most people may not think that is right, it is definitely not what I would do to my own kids, but I still understand it.

Echo's picture

Oh, yes. PLEASE be stupid

Oh, yes. PLEASE be stupid enough to have kids with a man whose already abandoned his kids. SUPER smart move there. Mr. Very understanding, compassionate, generous and sweet can then abandon YOU and not pay CS and then walk away from your kids as well.

You would deserve it all.

Karma. I love the snot out of her...

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

bi's picture

this is exactly how i feel

this is exactly how i feel about the 2 idiots that had a child with my ex after me. they already knew he had a kid that he had nothing to do with and did not pay support on, but they went ahead and got pregnant anyway. they got exactly what they deserved, but the kids did not. i had nothing to go on when i got pregnant. i was the first. they knew how he was. the last one knew he had already done it twice and still got pregnant, and acts all shocked that things didn't go the way she wanted them to. fucking idiot.

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

fedup13's picture

"It sounds like he was not

"It sounds like he was not super involved with the kids and looking for an excuse to be less involved long before you came along. You were the perfect excuse for him to be (more of) a deadbeat dad."

This was my thought as well after reading this.

OP, this is a vent site. This is site for people to come and get things off their chests, seek advice, and find support. You have a right to be here. Not everyone is going to agree and yes, some will attack you, very viciously sometimes. I personally do not think this makes you a bad person. You are just being honest. From what you posted it does sound like he would be very uninvolved with the kids whether he was with you or not. That is not your fault and just because he has children does not mean that you should jump up and demand that he be a good father to them. That is on him. His level of parental involvement is not your responsibility. You encouraged him to sign the papers on the third kid, but, from your original post, you made it very clear that this woman used him as a sperm donor and told him from the start he did not have to be involved, if he does not want to be involved that is his choice and you are not at fault for supporting him in that decision.