My step daughter is an only child on her dad's side of the family and an only grandchild. She lives with us b/c Mom can't control her. She cries constantly when she doesn't get her way. She has no way of working things out. My husband and she have a very odd relationship in that she is his best friend and he tells her everything, or at least he used to.
Anyway, last night her dad let her to to KU unsupervised and of course, she missed curfew. She is 16 years old and has only been dating since July. She has had six sexual partners in this time and I'm the only one concerned. I wish I could keep my mouth shut!
Jill
Six partners?
Wow. How do you know she's been with six partners? Does her father know? If so, why is she still being allowed outside the house? Why haven't her partners been arrested for statutory crimes?
If something isn't done quickly, you'll not only be a Stepmother, but you'll also be a Grandmother. Not to mention your SD will have messed up her life, and it will take a long time to get back on track, if ever!
At her rate she's greatly increasing her chances of contracting an STD. Six partners since July 2005? Hell, she could already have something and not even know it. You might want to get her tested. If nothing else it will probably scare the *$!@ out of her.
I don't think I could keep my mouth shut!
Wow! That sounds like a nightmare! Your step daughter is headed for disaster.
In my opinion her father needs to stop being her friend and start being her father. She needs some rules and her father needs to enforce them. You can back him up as well.
Maybe she needs some counselling as well, to get her on the right track. I worry about this kind of behavior all of the time and my stepson is only ten. However, I think that his mother will allow a lot of behavior with dating, etc., that his father and I won't. In others words, we don't want my stepson repeating the mistakes of his parents. My stepson's mother hasn't been one to encourage high morals with her behavior thus far.
What does your husband say about his daughter's behavior? Does he think it is ok?
Dawn
Another day of controlling stepdaughters
Thank god, we have this blog! Why are you feeling guilty? The girl is playing roulette with her life and doesn't see it. Then again teenagers usually don't, they think, "oh, it won't happen to me" Anyway, my suggestion. Take her to the local planned parenthood in your area. If you think it is undermining your husband, tell him your plans. It might be a good bonding experience for the both of you. If it isn't, you did your part as a good stepmom would. Has she been to an OB/GYN? Has anyone talked to her about going? It is possible he is not comfortable talking to her about this stuff, I seriously doubt he could relate to her perspective on it, he isn't female. Does bio mom know? What she has given up? You can't. Teenagers need to know someone cares enough. They may not tell you and you may get hell from her, she may turn and tell mom and it may blow up in your face. However, you can go to sleep at night knowing you tried and offered. Tell her, if she is scared, you will go with. Ask her "do you prefer a female or a male?" The doctor will talk with her, I'm sure she will confide in her/him. Whether or not he thinks it is ok, you are the woman. Odviously, the other woman is not stepping up to the plate on this. Teenagers want to see that someone will put limits and care enough. As for her crying, let her and ignore it, in time, she will stop. Stick to your guns. Especially when she learns it is not getting her what she wants. If she need a little TLC, she will have to learn how to get it in a better way. As for your hubby telling her everything. You can express how you feel about it. Since when do teenagers have to know everything? Sorry, I don't tell my teens everything. Some things are just none of their business. You two are the adults. Let her know, these are the rules in this house and if she does not abide by them, there will be consequences. How does she get back and forth? Don't give her a ride to the persons house next time, she will figure it out in time. In the meantime, tell her you would like to talk, tell her your concerns and get her to an OB!
Terryific
Ditch the DUD!
Honestly, why don't you dump your husband and find someone who pays as much attention to you as he does his daughter?! That is ludicrous! I came on this site looking for some skills or advice regarding dealing with difficult stepchildren but there is absolutely NO WAY on earth I would tolerate that stuff. Seriously, I am sure you are worth more than that are there way more fish in the sea with WAY less baggage ladies!!! Come on, wake up and smell the better cup of coffee...
Yes it is Ludicrous
I have been in the same situation for 13 yrs. and I agree that it is all ludicrous. Why do we keep putting up with the same problems that never seem to get corrected?
My SD sounds a lot like this girl, but she is now 33 and still misbehaving! I just found out that she SOLD my son's heirloom dresser (probably for a fraction of what it's worth) just to keep from having to go to work like everyone else. When I called her to ask her about it, she pretended not to know what I was talking about. Now as I look around the house I find other missing pieces of furniture.
Her father's answer? He said, "So what are you saying? She's a lying thief?" My answer was, "Yes--exactly!". What the hell do you want me to say...No?
Wait until she destroys everthing you own!
I have known my step-daughter for 12 years and i am much younger than her father infact there is 10 years difference between she and I she has to have 24 hr. attention. I was told last week my mother is dying with ALS and then my sister has lung cancer. She was so jealous that me and her father's attention has been directed towards them she destroyed EVERYTHING in my house. WORSE THAN AN TORNADO. I ended up beating her ass.I have dealt with this for 12 years NEVER NEVER NEVER again! I am done. GET AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! THEY ARE HORRIBLE. GOOD LUCK and may GOD BE WITH YOU!
Wow Jill...we have a lot in common!
I disagree with the comments from Ditch the DUD. I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful guy, but when it comes to my venting about Melanie our stepdaughter. I may as well not exist. Melanie is also an only child on my husbands side and she has always lived with my two children and I. We began this relationship as a blended family and I feel that from day one, Melanie did not like the fact that her father met me and married me. Let me begin by saying that Tom is a wonderful Dad to my children. But, right now I am feeling so inadequate as a stepmother. I cannot bond or form any type of relationship with Melanie. She has made this virtually impossible. An example of the treatment I have been experiencing for years now would be Tuesday. Tuesday was Melanie's 20th birthday and we celebrated here at the house. I don't mind and it was fine. But the whole time we were at the dinner table, she totally ignored me, you know...like looking past someone when they speak to you, like you are insignificant and invisible. Actually this situation all started when I came home one day to find Melanie and two guys sprawled out on her bed watching movies. Both guys reeking of pot and Melanie with a new tongue piercing. I naturally stood in the doorway and said "I smell weed". The two guys left. Then, because Melanie was slurring (I forget about the stupid piercing), I mentioned that if she wanted to do as she pleased (such as entertain in her room and/or smoke weed), then mabye she should possibly get a place of her own. She then stormed out of the house and told her father that I had plans to kick her our of the house. The conflicts between her and I are constant. I am so tired of them. I know this sounds mean, but I cannot warm up to the girl. She is intolerable. Lacks respect, thinks the world owes her everything, and blames me for everything wrong in her life. Right now I'm sitting here stressed and unhappy. She stayed at a friends house last night, but I DREAD her coming home....she causes such tension. I can't be just me who feels that way. Alot of my side of the family calls her the "me" person and feels that she gets away with too much. Tom never says anything and I think it may be guilt...I don't know. We have had too many fights over the years over these things. I just want her to move out at this point. I need some peace! Am I just nasty, unfair? Anyone else feel this way? Have I mentioned that Tom is a model stepdad to my kids? What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you!
First of all it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you! You're right. I would not be putting up with that kind of behavior in my house. My husband wouldn't put up with it either. If she is living under your roof, then she should have to follow some basic rules. End of story. If she doesn't like it, then you're right. It is time for her to get her own place. However, your husband is going to have to be the one to talk to her about this, with you backing him up. The way she sounds, she won't listen to "just" you.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Dawn
Feeling the pain!!!!!!!!!!
Wow I too can not wait till my 17 year old step son leaves the house!!MY HOUSE may I add...He 2x in the last week and a 1/2 has called me a f***'** B@#ch!!! Not to mention that this summer he got angry with me an punched a whole in my car!!! I WANT HIM OUT!!!!! He has told me he has no respect for me and has risen his fist to me more than once. His Father sticks up for him too!!! Guilt, yes because his Mother was a terrible alcoholic at one point in his life and had to leave with him. He has custody.My hubby and I have a terrific relationship WHEN HE IS NOT HERE and my hubby and 13 year old son get alone GREAT. I feel as though I am loosing my mind!!! This boy has been to counseling, and recently too, he had asked his Father if he could go because of his anger issues, yes I am the one who gets the brunt of them!
I feel the same way.....
I have a beautiful 17 yr old stepdaughter. She is really is a great,smart ,young lady. But our relationship is the most hardest thing in my life. She has lived with her father since she was 5 yrs old. Her dad has raised her with some help of her cousin most of her life. Her mom up and left her with her dad.I have kids from previous marriage. and now my husband and I have a kid together.
I really don't understand her she just hates me she told me I have ruined her life. I can't talk to her without it turning into a huge fight.She has even gone as far as calling the cops on me.She lies to her dad trying to split us up. And it has worked a time or too. I really am so feed up with her. I don't know what to do about this. The boys don't understand her ways. The only thing my husband and I fight about is her. I really could go on and on . She really makes me feel like I am losing my mind. She wants to leave again and I really feel she starts fights so it would be easy on her to leave her dad.
I completely understand
Hi Lorraine & Jill,
It doesn't get any easier with age either. My boyfriend of over 3 years has a daughter that is 32 years old and has been and continues to be completely evil towards me. To boot, my boyfriend was diagnosed with terminal cancer 1.5 years ago and she was quoted saying that "I do nothing for him", even though I have been preparing organic meals and juices from scratch for him each morning and every evening, I completely support him and help him in anyway that I can to make his life as stress free as possible. I'm not sure what the answer is. I try to be the best person that I can be, and surely, I will be there for him until the end. However, if he were healthy, I probably would have left a long time ago...I have never had my own children and this seems like way too much work, anxiety and misery. The problem is that you both and I, we are their partners in life. I completely understand the blood is thicker than water issue, but, with that said, we never made our men choose one way or the other, we only want the respect that is due to us as their 'life partners', which they seem so easily and blindly to forget. We should have an equal footing to be heard and respected. Life is often times about compromise, it depends what you can live with. Most men can't understand the mechanics of it, if you have one that does, then you better hold on to him, because he is one in a million. Otherwise, the rest of us have to decide what we really want in our lives, what will make us happy, and what is mostly important to us. Good luck my friends, I am still deliberating the issue. KS
my stepdaughter never had
my stepdaughter never had much to do with her father in the fifteen years that i have been with him. of course, he never had much. she wouldn't call him or visit him, because basically he never had any money. it hurt him so bad, he used to cry. now, he is doing well, has a great job, with great pay, and lives in a beautiful house. we moved in this beautiful house in november, and she had moved in by january. she is 20 years old, works 2 days a week, and does little else. she won't contribute, and she does not clean up after herself. she was suppose to be out by march, well, here we are...
the biggest thing is we have no room for her, so whe has a bed down in the basement which is finished. she does not like it , so she's always in my 13 yo daughter's room. a couple of times my daughter had to sleep on the couch cause homegirl was resting comfortably
boy can i relate
I know exactly what you are saying, I am a stepmom to a 13 year old who acts like she is 20 and looks like she is 16. My husband is so blind to her actions if she and I fight it is my fault. We recently found a myspace page that was very revealing, she told him a friend had did it for her. In his eyes she never does anything wrong, she is always the victim. We have been together since she was 8 and as the years pass she now is acting more like his wife than his daughter. We recently found out we are expecting in Dec. and now she is totally out of control. He is so afraid of upsetting her, that he will not take the role of father and put a stop to her behavior. She dresses like a prostitute and he allows this, she lies and there are never any consequences from him or her mother. Both her parents have stated that she will end up a teenage mother but no one will do anything to prevent it.HELP!!!! any advice would be appreciated.
boy can I relate
Oh my gosh...I could have written everything you said, except I'm not expecting (there's no way my boyfriend would have married me and had a child with me...his kids wouldn't have allowed it). My boyfriend's soon to be 16 year old daughter acts EXACTLY like your step daughter. Of course, everything is my fault, she never does anything inappropriate. He always treated her like the "princess" while his three boys did chores, had to behave and act right. The daughter was allowed to do anything and not get disciplined, basically because she was so good at lying and manipulating adults (this has been going on her entire life). Now that she is almost 16 and has gone through puberty, it's gotten worse. Her boobs are always hanging out of whatever low-cut shirt she has on, and the shorts are up to her butt, and she pretty much shoves her cleavage in everyone's face (including her father's). Of course, her father believes she has to dress this way because "all the girls do".
My boyfriend is in total denial, and I just stay out of it now because I'm just the girlfriend (I don't live with him...thank God). He created the monster by not being a "father" to his daughter and setting limits, boundaries and expectations. Whenever his boys would ask why their sister never had to do chores around the house and got away with everything, he would say "Because she's special".
Wow, I can Totally
Wow, I can Totally relate...my heart goes out to you and many others on this page. It seems to be a concensus that once we marry a man that has a child we become the horrid SM. I have had my SD visit with us from the time she was 6, she never liked me then and certainly doesn't now...she used to come visit us from CA. where she lives w/her mom at least every 3-4 months for a few weeks at a time...she was always the typical kid until I caught her masturbating at age 7, I immediately told her to stop, told her dad and nothing ever became of that...long story short I said if you don't do something about this, and then about her 10 yr. old strip tease like dance in front of me and dad...then she will be PG before she is 15...guess what, she was PG at 14. However, the lovely mother (NOT) kept the pregnancy from us until she actually had the baby, then said neither one of them knew she was PG...can you believe it...and guess what daddy believed them!!! Somewhat believe anyway..you know how these dads are they see nothing wrong in their kids...Let me tell you I could fill a 500 page book on what this little girl has done to me in my life, how she has lied, manipulated, stole from me and my family...the list goes on...and she never gets in trouble from her dad...it's amazing to me! I have a daughter and son older, from a previous and one child with SD's dad...however, she hates them all..she is as phoney around them won't talk to them or anything until her dad is around then she acts all interested...of course my kids see right through her and really dislike her very much. Recently we schedule a cruise, a short 3 day one for my son and daughter...my daughter is 19 and very responsible, never asks us for anything and pays her own way, been working since she was 16...anyway, this was a cruise for us 4, dad, me and the two kids, well SD got wind of it and daddy invited her...I was furious...noone but him wants her to go...I emailed her and asked her to bow out due to no rooms available and this was a one on one time for us...she called me every name in the book, called her dad read him the email and put a few additions of her own in there to make me look bad...like my son doesn't want her to go etc. anyway now we are all in a fight, i told my husband if he takes his daughter over me its over for us...you see he has done this many times...believed his little princess's lies over my truths..and honestly he eventually found out the truth but, it was always to late to bring up again and so all has always been forgotten where she is concerned. She is a pot smoking, partying, lying conniving, manipulating little you know what...whom just recently sued her friend over a drunk driving accident and got like 16,000 of which she spent on a mercedes car and evidently went through the rest, she tells dad she has 2 jobs, yeah right....lies, if so why did she call him for 200 to enroll in school...she just had her mom put down 1100 for a boob job, of which the balance she is making payments on...yep, sick huh...she doesn't even take any responsibility for her child...she hides the fact he is hers...while her mom takes care of him....All pretty sick huh..I know and hey if you want to vent, or talk...let me know...I have plenty more stories where these came from...and could use a friend in the same spot too....Good luck and keep your chin up...I know I have to be strong as my marriage may be over because of her!!! Deb
Step daughter with step grandson aged 3
Wow you have what I ve got, mine on the other hand stayed out of our lives when she was due to have the grand kid for 3 years. We have been married for 4 years and dating 3 years previous to marraige. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she does not see her father never has since the age of 7 months she is 10 years old now, and I thank god she is a very good hearted soul. My husband and I have 2 other daughters aged 4 and 2 years and in between we have the SD's son aged 3, who looks just like the absent father, has no discipline and is a nightmare whilst with his mother. She is a liar, cheater, pot smoker, ectasy taker, man eater, and top it all lazy wee B@*ch. She acts like my husbands mistress, walks around trying to act sexily, maintaining she can get this and that off men for free when it comes to her car getting fixed etc. This is because of her tits and ass. I have thought that I might be jealous of her deep down, but in reality its the no respect (you took him off of me attitude and replaced me with another 3 girls). I am only 10 years older than her and I no that she dislikes me and blatantly tries to quieten me or keep me out the way. This is something her father doesnt let her do, and always lets me deal with her. On this point I should state he is of the opinion that he can't win as I will make his life a misery for him not respecting me and my kids and jumping to SD's aide in a crisis, of which is brought on by her self. I do make his life a misery I have to admit this, as I basically am left holding the babies, all the time. Well after 3 years of peace from SD she comes back into our lives with sprog (don't really mean this, it just is not a pleasure), and is the ever hopeful, talented singer, going to go to college, brilliant mother, lovely son, lovely house of which SD's grandfather on bio moms side, is paying rent on as his sister is in a home dying (terrible shame, so am led to believe). Turns out that the reality is a nightmare, quote from SD "When you don't see me for a while it means I am back on the drugs, I enjoy them". Nothing about the kid of which my husband has seen her in the wee small hours of the morning taking a boyfriend of which lost his license for her back home after their wee night of passion several times, or that he is dropped off to the cousins to baby sit while she works in a sandwich shop part time. I am at my wits end so much so I took xmas prezzies down last night and said I was too buzy on xmas day and over the holiday period, and her dad is working throughout the holiday period anyway so I will only have this time with him.Plus my husband just cannot let himself feel anything for SD's child, I have never seen a grown man be scared of a wee boy like this, he says he can't stand him he looks and acts just like his father, cries and screams, really screams all the time, and its all her own doing. And yet he maintains its still his daughter and he does not want the not talking thing again, for a further 3 years. This xmas thing is to help her, as she won't be able to tell lies to bio mom, or us.I am sick of being told about her sex life visits to sti clinic and in general I cant take to her, I have been told by my friends, family and husband that I look younger than her and she is a mess. I hate this as I actually look at her and see my two youngest daughters have similar features to her, and she is making a mess of her appearance and attitude to life, she is a good looking woman. I hate the fact everything is an excuse for her especially the divorce when she was 8 years old. My only hope is she finds another boyfriend and we get peace from her as this is when we get it. Oh! I forgot to mention since meeting with her again I have done the birthdays with all the kids , Halloween as well and put a stop to guy fawkes and now xmas, also she has been told that we will not be doing things for us just so she can jump on the band wagon, I don't see why I have to entertain her and her kid, and she gets to be daddy's girl while her kid feels like he is in playskool, and I am the bad 1 for disciplining him. Sick of it , so I am. I refuse to be treated this way anymore. Sorry for bursting your head, XXX
Help with Step-Daughter
Hi. My stepdaughter who is almost 16 recently moved in with me,her dad,sister,and my oldest from another relationship.Her mom and stepdad sent her because she is out of control and they dealt with it over a yr and couldnt take it anymore so sent her here.Her mom lives about 12 hrs away,she was raised by her mom and her dad only seen her once in awhile till we met and then we seen her more often.I love her but she is a real pain!She is the mot sexual person I think I have ever known.Back home she ditched school and the neighbor caught her and her b-friend in the back yard having sex!Theres a ton more.Basically her mom couldnt take it and she was lying and sneaking around and they wanted to get her away from the boy and situation.
So,she comes here and seems very sweet and loving THEN! Problems! Awful ones!I wont list them all but recently she snuck a boy in through there bedroom window and had sex and my 10 yr old was in there!Her dad is blind to it all,I need help please!anyone email me at payngabby@aol.com
Like you, I have been with
Like you, I have been with my husband since his daughter was 8, and now she is 13. Wow!!! He is a lot more strict than your husband though. It is so hard to be a step-mom. My SD recently told me that she wished me and her dad had never gotten married and that I am NOT her mother. My husband and I have had so many fights because I have tried to give him "advice" about Nicole(SD). He just thinks I'm criticizing her. I have learned that if he doesn't want me to be her mom and act like a mom then I need to stop. I need to keep my mouth shut and let him deal with her. If I have a problem with her leaving her stuff around the house, or whatever, I tell him and he tells her. I told him recently that I will no longer do her laundry because I believe she is old enough to do it herself. He is doing her laundry because he doesn't want to make her. That's fine. It's none of my business. I am not going to allow myself to get all mad anymore. We just don't agree and that's okay. It's his daughter, not mine. If she is shitty to me, I have let her know that behaving that way is not going to get her what she wants from me. If she wants me to give her a ride or something, I just remind her of some disrespectful behavior and tell her no. That's the only control I have really. I don't have any other way to inflict consequences. It is really hard to be nice to a person who hates you half of the time. I have tried to explain to her that I am a human who has feelings just like she does and that when she says she wishes I was out of her life, it really hurts my feelings. Speaking from my heart at least makes me feel better and more honest. I am less angry as well because I connect to my feelings of hurt.
I also really try to remember that she is at a hard age and she's just acting out. I am the easiest person to hate for her. I try not to take it so personally and do things that make me happy.
I do try to be positive towards her when I can. Sometimes it is easier than other times. I know I am doing the best that I can. So just remember that you are not her mom and you cannot do anything for her unless she asks you.
I convinced my husband that we should start going to a local church with a good youth group. We have only been once and she protested. We are going tomorrow and have worked out a compromise to let one of her friends go with us. She is willing to do that. I am hoping this will help her find some inner direction. I am also looking into Ala-teen meetings for her. Her mother was (she died) a drug addict. My husband just put her back into counseling today. She will go every other week.
The main thing is that you will be alot happier when you decide to stay out of things. You see what's going on and you know what would help but no one wants your opinion. Find what makes you happy and get involved in that.
I totally understand your pain and frustration. It sucks!!!!
Good luck,
Taylor C
Boy can I relate
I went out looking for some insight and I am just blown away! I knew I wasnt' the only one dealing with a SD but I had no idea how many of you there are out there! I'm just miserable. My SD is 16 and she acts like she is so smart and so grown, but when she's around her dad she puts on a whiney baby voice that drives me insane. She was given a car when she turned 16 and has gas put in it whenever she needs it. She has no limitations (of course hubby would disagree) and it makes me crazy. I too have a daughter that will soon be 15 and they are as different as night and day. So of course my spouse thinks she's terrible because she's not like his precious girl. All SD has done this summer is vacation, go to the pool, hang out with friends, drive to the movies, etc. and all at someone elses expense. I mean, I'd love to stay home all summer and have someone give me a car and free gas to run all over the place whenever I feel like it. Do you think she has a job?? NO! Do you think she's looking?? NO There was always an excuse. Vacations are coming up, who will hire me knowing I have to leave for a trip? Lots of people would hire part time but why work if everything is given to you?? If I had the money, as much as I do truly love my husband, I'd take my daughter and run. I feel trapped. I do know that if I had it to do all over again I'd make a different decision. I'd rather be alone than go through this crap. The week she was on vacation with her mom was pure heaven. The tension in the house was non-existant. As soon as she comes back it's all screwed up again. She's a big tease too and has been since she was 13. Of course I pointed that out to her dad but he refused to see it. Then he found out she had sex before her 15th birthday and boy was that a shocker. NOT!! At least not to me. But he thinks she's so perfect. I can't wait for her to leave. Unless I go first. Thanks for letting me vent!
"I just want her to move out at this point" Boy, can I relate!!
Lorraine, I have been a stepparent to 2 boys for almost 11 years. One of my stepsons moved back in with his mother and stepdad when he was almost 13. He has never come back. In fact we had not seen him in 2 years. That is, until Christmas, when his father ran into him in a local store. The boy actually kind of ran off instead of talking with his dad! Then there's my 20 year old stepson. Where do I start? He came to us reluctantly when his mom passed away suddenly when he was only 13. I welcomed him with open arms. When problems started, such as poor grades, bad friends, drug use, and ultimately getting a girl pregnant when he was only 14, I tried to no avail to make my husband see that he needed help and that dad was just too lenient. Long story short, every time dad would get a little tough, the boy would leave to live with friends and as he got older, girlfiends (not the mother of his twin boys)Then, whatever his situation was at the time, he'd want to come back on the drop of a dime. Well, I have 2 boys of my own and we live in a very small place. Needless to say, I don't think it's fair to them to have to keep disrupting their sleeping arrangements etc. for my husband's 20 yr. old son. We managed to have him stay with us long enough to help him get his high school diploma. Then immediately with no notice he moved in with his then current girlfried-only to come back with no notice TWO times within 5 months! Now, last night we get a call that he broke up with his girlfriend and wants to come back yet again!! His father said that he could hardly understand him on the phone, that he sounded drunk. I told him that if he sounded drunk I did not want him in our home last night. So now he is coming back today instead. I understand he is his father's son but I feel he just takes advantage of that fact. We have helped him so much and it's not that I mind helping him but I feel that what we are really doing is enabling him never to mature and stand on his own two feet. His father will bad mouth him and say he doesn't want him here and then he will just cave in to whatever he needs or wants regardless of how it affects me, our relationship, or my 2 boys. I've learned to live with it but this time I told my husband that we are going to collect room and board and that we will tell him to start to look for other living arrangements. Oh, and his current work schedule requires him to wake at 3:15 AM. My boys who are in high school and middle school have to share a bedroom with him. I told my husband that if his waking in the middle of the night to go to work disrupts them then I won't have that either. I know I probably sound like the typical mean stepmother. I truly am not. I love both my stepsons and have always treated them well-as good as my own. I just think that we really do not have the room and that this 20 year old MAN needs to grow up and live up to his responsiblities-he doesn't even see his twins or pay child support even though he has recently purchased a used truck and motorcycle and spends money on tatoos! Of course, being the stepmom, my advice was valued when my stepchildren were sick or needed help with homework, etc. but my husband does not really include me on decisions such as whether we should have him back etc. Of course, he'll ask me what I think but when I tell him the truth he'll get pissed off and then silent. Anyway, I do not think that your are being nasty or unfair. It is your home too and just like me, your husband should remember that. Even if we weren't stepfamilies, I think that we would be equally fed up if our own children were behaving like Melanie or my stepson. And, I do want to mention that you are blessed to have a husband that is a model stepdad. My own spouse is an excellent husband but sometimes has been indifferent and very critical as a stepdad to my children. Let's just say when we had all 4 of our children living with us he always distinguished between his biological sons and his stepsons. To this day, although they have not been in his life as consistently as my children, my husband will say things to them like "I didn't even do that for my own kid" when one of my children asked for something. Sad and sick. I have been told before that we should get counseling (he won't). I've also been told I should leave him and I have thought about it from time to time. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is sometimes to be stepmom. I find that the worst thing is that even when you are trying to act as an interested and concerened natural parent would, your efforts are often misconstrued as being a meddling stepmom. I don't know what the answers are. I know that I never thought I would even be in a blended family let alone in one where his children are held to one standard and mine to another. Again, good luck and no, you are not crazy. Don't even think it for a minute. And, you are not alone.
I feel the same way. My step
I feel the same way. My step daughter is the same way. The only thing is I can't stand my step daughter and I don't know why. I won't let her spend time with her dad. I am very mean to her and treat my 3 bio- kids great. My husband also treats my kids great. I wish their was some kind of pill I could take to help me not fee this way.
I can totally relate to how
I can totally relate to how you feel! My 10yr old SD is such a jerk! Everyone always coddles her and talks about how wonderful she is and I just can't force myself to give her a chance. She manipulates her father and everyone else, she's sneaky and hateful behind everyone's back. I hate letting her father spend time with her...it just gets under my skin the way he worships her like she's some kind of freakin angel. I just ignore her for the most part.
No Way ...he would never ask her to leave
This morning Tom confronted Melanie and let her know that it hurts to see that the both of us do not get along. Melanie stood there in silence and then forced herself to look her father in the eye and tell him that she was not angry with me. What a load of C%$#P! Anyway she is off to work now. Thanks for posting. I really needed to vent yesterday!
I need help!
I have a child in my home who is 18 years old. Her father has 6 children. Two years ago (she was 16) he remarried a 19 year old girl. My husbund and I have a four year old. Her father and I were friends through work, four years ago she started babysitting my child which then turned into staying with us most of the time. We then moved to another state. She was very upset and did not want us to leave, she had a very hard time with the new young step mother. We talked to her Dad and she moved with us. I applied for gaurdinship and she will be 19 this month and still with us. It has been tough lot's of the time. It is hard ti disapline a child that is not yours and I also won't her to always feel wanted. I have recently come upon a new challenge!!! I went into her room for a scratch piece of paper to take down a phone number. On the back of the page I found a list with her and a friend of her's name on the paper. One list saind BJ's each girl had 4 names on and then another list had one list of ten boys and on my girl's list was nine names. I an not to nieve to know what this list means, she had confided in me the first time she had sex (17 years old) and the first name on this list was his name. I am shocked, sad, fell that she has not been honest with me. I have asked her about sex, she always promises me that she isn't like that. I do not know what to do? Do I take her to a doctor? Do I research her family history? Is something wrong with her? I am at a lost for words, which is not norma for me. Please any advise that I can get!!!!
Help my stepdaughter is out of control
Reading this helps me in knowing I am not alone with all the issues of being a stepmother. I often feel like I am alone out there and do not know what to do.
My stepdaughter is 10 and most of the time she acts like she is 2. Many times she is violent and has tried to hurt me. She has gone as far as putting nails in front of me when I had no shoes on to trying to break my arm after shoulder surgery.
My husband has full custody of his daughter, and her bio mother has little to do with her, as she is usually just thinking about herself and nobody else. She tells her daughter she cant have her full time because she has to work and she want to spend time with her boyfriend.
I have to take care of my stepdaughter full time, take her to school, do homework with her, feed her, make sure she takes a shower etc. etc. etc. I am told by bio mom I am not to displine her daughter, and when there are problems (everyday) my stepdaughter calls her mother and she tells her she does not have to listen to me and to go out and play and ignore me.
My husband tries to help when he comes home from work, he tried talking to his daugher, he has displined her and nothing works.
I feel bad to say this but I have feelings of Hate now for my stepdaughter. We have been togeather for 3 years now and it is only getting worse not better. I do not believe there is a thing we have not tried to fix things.
I finally told my husband he has to talk to his ex and tell her she needs to start being a mom and take her daughter two weeks and we will keep her for two weeks. I knwo she will not go for this, as this would interfer with her time, but I am at the end of my rope, but refuse to let his daughter destroy our marriage.
Any help out there as what to do???
i'm hearing ya!
Love i know where you are coming from. my partners 4 year old is a total bitch. i am currently pregnant with my partners second child and when she is around me with my partner their she touches my belly gentle to feel the baby but when hes not looking she tries to hurt it. My partner has no respect for me at all when he's daughter is around and treats me like im out of place in front of her(keep in mind we are about to have a baby together). He doesn't talk about the baby around her and since i have done the nursery up, every time she is down he puts her things in the baby's room as if too say it's hers. my partners 4yr old destroys the baby's things shes not aloud to touch just because she can't have them. My best friend won't bring her son over to my house when she is down because last time she came over my partners daughter slammed a door into hes head and he had a mild concussion and bruising. My best friends child is only eight months old. She is ruining our relationship and i don't feel me and my partner will be together when the baby comes, because i'm scared for my baby's safety.
Help my stepdaughter is out of control
Please get out before this child kills you! Do not martyr yourself to raise a child that is dangerous to you--IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
Stepdaughter from HELL
I have been married to my husband for 16 years. After 4 years of professional therapy, my relationship with my 24 year old stepdaughter is pitiful. The truth is I never encountered a more tragic relationship. My husband had only visitation in the summers, THANK GOD. This KID DID EVERYTHING IN HER POWER, whether true or not,to ruin our marriage. After almost 9 years I made the right decision of not allowing her back in our home. Until she was 18 he used all his vacation time to visit her(out of state), with my blessing. I am guilt free and happy w/o her manipulation and spiteful rages. I feel sorry for the poor soul that marries her.
Hateful Feelings for Stepdaughter
I'm reading the emails from all of you and it's very helpful to feel less alone. Before becoming a step-parent almost 2 years ago, I would not have believed that being completely ignored, treated as though I didn't exist, could be so painful and imbolizing. Like Jill and others have written, it's especially hard when one's husband is his daughter's best friend. She has primitive psychological defenses, trauma from invasive medical procedures as a young child, and her father has great difficulty changing his parenting style to reflect her development into the 17 year old "A" student that she is. This kid completely runs the show. She has few friends, prefers hanging out with Dad, and knows exactly how to get him to cave in when it comes to upholding basic expectations of her (washing her dishes, putting her things away, acknowledging my existence). When he confronts her and goes to the mat with her, which he occasionally does, she abandons her stonewalling stance and rages at him. When he still doesn't cave in, she's invariably better behaved (at least toward him) the next day, but it's tough for him. He can't stand the feeling of hostility in the air when he confronts her and requires that she do something that's expected of her. The silent tension lingers, then he's in there, finding a way to connect with her ("Hey, your art project was great, do you like how it turned out?"), to make sure she knows he still loves her. It's maddening. Most maddening of all is this silent treatment. Dinnertime is a special agony, when we eat together. It's "Dad this, Dad that," engaging him in discussion about her homework assignments, etc., eye contact with him and him only. She ignores any input I give, and if I ask a question, she either ignores that or responds to her father. I've tried being present and helpful for the 2 years I've been in her life, gentle confrontation and inviting her to share how she feels with me, imagining aloud that it must be very tough for her to deal with me being there, more assertive confrontation and requiring that she respond to "good morning" type exchanges, commenting upon the silent-treatment process and how uncomfortable it feels, and, sometimes, deciding that this contemptuous refusal of hers to acknowledge me is unfixable, just going about my business and ignoring her back. What a way to live. Her father is on board with me about needing things to change but keeps allowing it to go on. It's gotten to the point where I'm overly reactive to every one of his little daughter-aligned blunders (clearing the table of her things for her when I've asked her to do it) and every non-acknowledgment of me from her. It's so horrible to see myself turning into this spiteful silently-seething wretch of a person. Sometimes it can feel like I've regressed into being a sibling of hers, eager to point out to "Dad" everything she's done wrong. My choices seem to be either "witch" or "spineless wimp."
I'd love to hear how some of you respond to the silent, "you-don't-exist" treatment from step-daughters, meaning things that you do yourselves and/or things that you and your partners have done together to combat the problem.
Netta
Spoiled Rotten 17 yr old
OMG, I cannot tell you what it means to read your posts here. In some aspects, i feel like i am reading my own story. I am not married to this childs father, but we all live together. Things were fine at first, when she was able to "use" me to take her places, drive her all over, listen to her complaining about her father. Then came the day that she stole my car. She did not yet have her license and somehow felt this would be ok. She had done it numerous times until the night we caught her. She has not spoken to me since (6 months), like I am the one who did HER wrong. Her father did not punish her, in fact "rewarded" her by spending a whole lot of extra time with her and taking her places to keep her away from me since I was angry. Huh? I had a right to be angry. She manipulates and lies to this man daily. Everything out of her mouth is a lie and he continues to spoil her. When it came time to get her driver's license, he drove her straight from the DPS to the car dealer and spent almost 13,000 bucks on a car for her. She flirts with him and acts like she is his girl friend. She repeatedly wants to kiss him on the mouth, especially when i am present. She hangs on him and rubs on him as a girl friend would do. He is beginning to see some of this crap, but refuses to deal with it. WHen he gets angry with her and "grounds" her, he is making up to her the very next day because he feels guilty. He too tells her everything. He shares all of his adult relationship issues with her and looks to her for emotional support. This is just plain sick and twisted in my mind. Hes a great guy, but is more worried about being a friend than a parent. It makes me crazy to see how she lies to him and uses him on a daily basis and my hands are tied. He does not want to hear anything against her. ANY input from ya'll is more than appreciated.
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