Step Talk

My hubby is wonderful but he could definately learn some of that..

I am in my second marriage and of course everyone knows the issue's we are having.. And its sad to me because when our kids are not around we are perfect.. Which is great.. I can honestly say though and I am not saying my kids are perfect but all our arguements are based around his kids.. I don't want to fight with him, especially about kids, but I do not want to lay down and get walked all over either.. My mom always told me that kids can make or break a relationship.. and she is right..

This is the toughest part for me...my husband allows his ex wife to manipulate him, which causes problems with us.. It seems to be really hard for him to understand where to draw the line with co-parenting & her just trying to disrupt our household & manipulate him. We fight about this issue a lot. I don't feel like he maintains the "united front" that we are sapposed to have, and i don't know how to get him to understand. He always gets mad at me when I bring it up. Us too-when the kids are not around, we are like a couple on a honeymoon.

has been when my SS is here. It is to the point where I do not even want to be around when it is his weekend. I leave 99% of child rearing up to BF unless I am being treated badly, when I say or do something about it, it becomes WWIII.

Your marriage needs to be put FIRST - yes even above your kids or you won't have a family unit. DO I always agree with my DH when it comes to our very blended family, no, but I show my support anyway as he does for me. We have 4 kids with us - me, three BK with 3 BFs in this sitation - judge if you must but I was a teenage mom everytime and my DH and I are very stable successful individuals and do well compared to most -
Anyway - my SS also lives here with a BM that has no contact (only one BF has contact with the kids) and two SDs that live out of state.
My DH has adopted my son and we are in the process of terminating rights to the deadbeat BF and deadbeat BM left in our situation. This has made our marriage stronger than ever - our commitment to each other and our strong COMMITMENT to ALL of our children - whatever the situation or birth parent might be.

Has it always been that way for you? My husband says "we should always maintain a united front" but turns around and completely undermines me with the children. I back him up even when I disagree with him, then we talk later in private. He talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. He also has a history of lying to me about gifts to his two children & conversations with BM.

How do you get your husband to shape up?

I got luckied and actually married this man that way - he cook dinner every night - cleans the kitchen, works his butt off, spends ALOT of time with all the kids - helps with homework - our fight is when i am being stubborn and feel like i need to do it all - its like i want to fuss LOL
I thank the exW for being so horrible to him - he said he wasn't like that during that marriage - he is just a really easy go lucky kind of guy. do we always get along - no - we don't understand each other sometimes but we always find a way to get the point across. men and women think so differently - once i realized that the communication was easier - he's a show me type where i have to show him attention and i am a tell me type - talk to me about it.

i would have a heart to heart with him about the lying - no trust there. assure him that you may not always agree but he needs to see that you love him. it will all fall into place - communication is key if he hurts you by his actions - tell him don't show him - he will be clueless. then reinforce his good behavior

You are right-everything you say is right, but I think he is really tired of my heart to hearts. He always says "why can't you just be happy?" He is the type that avoids conflict at any cost & has a rosey sunglasses attitude. He is all "nicey nice" to his ex on the phone-even when she is swearing at him, but then he'll turn around and be a complete jerk to me. He gets plenty of "reinforcement" too.

Thank you for your comments I really appreciate it! I appreciate your positive attitude-very refreshing & smart.

Anne,

GREAT idea on having a place to talk specifically about marriage issues. I have to ditto the above; when it’s just dh and I, things are great – add in kids and it’s a mess.

Maybe a new FORUM can be created?

My dh does the same as Sweatheart’s dh, totally undermines me with sk and money. Lies and is deceitful, even after apologies and promises to change. Never has changed nor do I think it will. I wonder many times “WHAT DID I GET INTO?”

TheSaneOne, I agree, your relationship with spouse is first on the list. My dh even aggress with that, however, he continues to be manipulated and an enabler, indicating to me, I am NOT first on his list.

I have an issue but just have to accept it really, that h.'s line of work is pretty inconvenient re. his schedule (he works every weekend) and is commission only so often no paychecks, but when he does get paid it is much more than mine. So long ago I accepted that is the price I pay to be with him. But it is still annoying when I think a loan closing will happen and it is postponed or falls thru, so he doesn't get paid after all, but the bills are still there having to be paid!

Also it is a continuous battle to get him to do stuff around the house. When I met him he was really uptight workaholic, so I showed him how there is so much more to life, blah blah. Now he is enjoying life so much our house is a wreck! But I really do feel that way, and you don't see me missing out on much, I just wish he/we could strike a happy medium re. chores.

re. BM, she is starting to call and bitch about money again, I wish she would just get a paying job already, but no, she has to be her own boss, etc., can't get along with anyone but herself I guess. She lives off child support!! not to get the SD what she needs but to keep the lights on etc., she certainly should not go under for the 1,000th time because she is too good to work like everybody else?!!

Ok sorry I am a little grumpy right now

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

To take care of the marriage, then everything will fall into place. If the couple isn't grounded, how are they expect for everything to be good? stepkid? future child? If the couple isn't united, how will they face the world?

Maybe I've said this enough times, but I think he's listening now.