i've been deleting older blogs a bit here and there. i just got a feeling a few days ago that my sd could have found me on here and read them. no real reason to think that at all. just a feeling. and honestly, if she did find them, there is nothing she can dispute. it's all fact. i just don't care to deal with the drama. i get enough of that already! she would definitely know it was me because everything i post about this whole f'd up situation is 100% factual. she probably doesn't know this site exists. she's too wrapped up in herself to go looking for me online, or so it seems. at the same time, she has some weird obsession with me that is just insane. so who knows which way it would go.

anyway, i've been reading the blogs and comments before deleting them. i get angry at myself for how much space she takes up in my mind every day, but at the same time, there isn't much i can do about it when she does the crap she does and tries to insert herself in my day as often as she does. if she would stay the hell away from me, i wouldn't think about her as much as i do. (she hasn't been to visit me under the disguise of "shopping" in a while. so she's due any day to do that. she's probably been there when i wasn't, and was very disappointed to have missed me).

i have discovered that she doesn't take up as much of my mind as i thought she did. in reading my blogs, i see that she has done plenty of shit that i have forgotten about. i'm amazed, really. i wouldn't have thought i could forget the crap she does, since she's so ridiculous and disgusting, but there was quite a bit i forgot about. and i'm glad for it. because really, being reminded just proved to me that i am justified in my feelings. not that i doubt that a bit. but for me to not store things away and commit them to memory to have more reason to hate her proves to me that she does enough that i can't forget to deserve the way i feel. if i made it a point to remember everything she says and does, i would probably choke the shit out of her.

so yay for me. i'm not as far gone in this shit as i thought i might be. maybe she doesn't have the power over me i thought she did. i'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit that she does have some over me, because i have not reached the point of indifference in my feelings yet. i'm still stuck in hate right now. but i'll get there. and forgetting things she has done to further fuel my hatred has to be a step further toward complete and utter lack of giving a shit, which is exactly where i want to be. i want to be able to have her pull her shit and just not react. for her to say her hateful things to or about me, and for me to not care, no matter how rotten what she says is, because it's not coming from anyone who matters. the closer i get to that point, the better off i am.