I just wanted to officially welcome you to the group! I look forward to hearing more from your point of view!

Dawn

Hey BIOMOM

The site is very helpful. Theres lots to learn from everyone.

We welcome your thoughts as an ex. I'm sure you have some insight that we cannot grasp. Any input is welcome.

i'm glad you came on board and give us your input. did you feel jealous when your ex husband remarried? i know you said you acted on things because of ignorance. did you even think about being friends w/new wife? i ask this because i just want to get an idea on what i've been going through.

-happy mom

Its nice to have you here with us.. Maybe you will be able to look at things a little differently and explain things..

In response to HappyMom, I cannot say I was "jealous" when ex remarried. I was resentful though. Not because I wanted him, but my insecurities about my son having another "mom" scared the hell out of me!

However, I had always been very open and friendly with all my ex's girlfriends up until that point. As a matter of fact,years ago, I remember starting up a conversation with one of his girlfriends at his house and him leaving us there because he was heading to the store. He was so nervous when he came back 3 hours later and we were STILL there, sitting on his front porch with an empty 12 pack of BUDWEISER between our seats! I LOVED that woman!!

The girl, (I say "girl" becuz she was 23 and he was 41) he married was a whole different personality than most of his past squeezes. She refused to meet my son for the first 6 months. She made no effort to even acknowledge my existence. I guess she felt denial was the best way to handle her insecurities.

Being my self, I pursued her with a vengence. I have a REAL problem with my self esteem. Example: If I were at a party with 100 people present and 99 of those people loved me, I would focus on that one person who didn't like me. I would set out to "MAKE THEM" like me.

After the marriage, I called her and asked her to meet with me. Although she saw no point, I explained that I thought it was in OUR son's best interest for us to meet. She did not take to the idea.
So I basically badgered her until she agreed.

I have invited her to every event that I had for our son. She would rsvp according to how well she and I were getting along at that stage.

Well, that was many years ago. Many ups and downs in between. More
"downs" than "ups" I'm afraid.

We have had many, many very interesting conversations. We have spoken on the phone through the night on several occassions. These chats were not always about our son. Sometimes we even shared intimate details of our lives, past and present. I tried to always be aware of her feelings and TRIED very very hard not to engage in any conversations about her husband's life when he was married to me. I did realize that she would initiate some talks that steered me into areas that I shouldn't have been in. And I do admit I divulged information that probably hurt her. But later on when I took more notice, I could see how she would deliberately try to get details about our marriage. Probably just her curiosity.

Since I had been a very jealous and insecure growing up, I could remember being obsessed with my boyfriends ex girlfriends. I seemed to "NEED TO KNOW" details about his life before me. What I realized a lot later in life was that I was just asking for the pain. I would get my answers and the thrive on them. Bring "her" up in fights, use how "she" treated him to compare her to me when showing him how much better off he was with me. And the bottom line always was the same, I ended up being more hurt knowing details that I really did not need to know.

The definintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

So knowing what she was doing, trying to get some insight on our prior marriage, I no longer gave her the information she so desperately wanted. I knew better than her that it would only hurt her.... I never intentionally wanted to hurt her. Okay, maybe a few times......

I have purchased presents for my son to give her for every single holiday (INCLUDING MOTHER'S DAY), and had found out that two gifts were thrown in the garbage. At the time, I thought she liked me! That is when the gift giving stopped. Ya know why? Because our son was hurt so deeply by that move, I had a very hard time forgiving her for it.

The other problem I had was that she never came to our son's 8th grade graduation. Again, my son was effected by her actions. And yet again, I thought her and I were getting along fine. But many months later I did find out her reasons for her absence. I had made a comment on how the school sent home a form for us to fill out. It was instructions to write something for our child's yearbook that was to be printed and handed out at graduation. My son had mentioned that he was the only child that came from a divorce and that they would not allow two different entries. I explained it to her and then offhandedly let her know that I had signed my and my ex's name to the entry. I DID go on to say that I was sorry and that I hoped she didn't mind. She said she didn't mind. Evidently, she minded....

Now that my son is older, and driving, our communication has dwindled to a minimum. I don't speak with my ex more than once every two months or so. They only live 2 miles from us. My son has his liscense now, so there is no more talk about who is picking up, dropping off, taking to activities, etc. That certainly has a lot to do with the lack of communication all around!

But as I have said before, since finding you ladies, I have more insight on the reasons for her actions. But I will admit, I still have no idea why she threw those gifts away... Any ideas? LOL!

Hugs,
Janice

I'm curious - What's your fascination with this site? Your son is older and you have very little involvement with the SM or DH.

While I only speak of my 17 year old son and those family dynamics, I have a whole new "step" interaction ahead of me.

If you really want to know how I ended up here, I can give you the exact story:

I was going through a box of paperwork that I had not seen in years. I found a few diaries from when I first met my first husband. That entire year was documented in writing. It was so strange to read how totally in love I was with him from day one. Reading about the entire first year of our relationship began my wondering of what went wrong. I mean if you read this journal and didn't know us today, you would think we were a fairy tale couple, certainly heading towards a "happy ending".

I started thinking of how fast my life was passing me by. I was having a pity party for myself and I was the only one invited. I began to write a life history journal about myself. I only wish I would have continued the one I had originally started. I would be interested to know how the relationship progressed to the point we came to 6 years later in a divorce court.

After finishing that book, I found another series of writings starting from the day my son was born. Those writings were more sporatic, sometimes skipping a week or two between entries. Again, the love and compassion we showed one another blew me away. And again I was amazed how that couple ended up where they are today. The extreme joy we felt with the birth of our son could not have been more wonderful.

While we think we do remember our pasts (except those margarita nights when we blacked out, lol) unless you have a journal from those times, they cannot be truly relived. And that's what I was doing.....reliving those days in my mind. No, I did not end up wanting my ex back, by the way! But to realize what we once had was nice to read about. To know that my son was conceived and born out of love. That he was welcomed into this world as though he was the only child ever born felt so nice. Most importantly, to have written proof that we did bring him into this world with the best intentions for him. From the first breath he took until the day he took his first steps, we were infatuated with him. He was our world. So that lead me questioning whether our son being born replaced the love we had for each other. That maybe somehow we lost sight of each other's needs.

Which led me to thinking about my ex's life today. How much we had both changed over these past 17 years. How we are strangers to one another. With his second wife..... How I had such a resentment. So I began to question that resentment. Was I jealous? Did I make a mistake in divorcing him? So as I sifted through the ashes of my feelings for him today, I could not come up with even the slightest feeling of love for him. It had to be something else about her that made me dislike her so much. I began writing my resentments about her down. It came down to this:

1) I was insecure from the day they were married because I was so afraid of another woman helping in raising our son. So basically, from day one, my actions were not always in the best interest of my son. My fear did not allow me to like her at all. Yet my need to be liked by her was enormous! I sought her approval and always felt she questioned my parental skills. Part was paranoia, however, part of our relationship was also based on her insecurities and jealousy. Something I knew little about.

2) The way she sometimes treated my son was just extremely hateful. The deliberate actions she took to hurt my son had hurt me beyond belief.

NOTE: I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT SHE LOVES MY SON AND MOST TIMES HAS HIS BEST INTEREST IN MIND. I CAN KNOWINGLY TELL YOU THAT SHE WAS A WARM AND LOVING STEPMOM. SHE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON. SHE IS A COMPASSIONATE, SUPPORTIVE AND POSITIVE INFLUENCE IN MY SON'S LIFE. THE POSITIVE INFLUENCE SHE HAS BEEN IN MY SON'S LIFE IS UNDENIABLE. THE PROOF OF HER UNSELFISHNESS AND COUNTLESS BEAUTIFUL THINGS SHE HAS DONE WITH AND FOR MY SON ARE COUNTLESS. IF I HAD TO RATE HER ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, AND AFTER READING AND BEING IN THIS FORUM, I WOULD HAVE TO DOUBLE HER SCORE AND GIVE HER A 20!!!! OUR ISSUES WITH ONE ANOTHER ARE NOTHING LIKE YOU GUYS AND GALS DESCRIBE! WHILE WE HAD OUR FIGHTS, I CAN HONESTLY TELL YOU THAT THE FEW WE HAD I CAN ALMOST LAUGH AT. AND I FEEL SO MUCH COMPASSION FOR ALL THE WOMEN AND MEN THAT COME HERE AND VENT THEIR ISSUES. SOME REALLY ARE FIGHTING UPHILL BATTLES. YET YOU REACH OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN TO FIND SOLUTIONS TO YOUR PROBLEMS. WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE TAKING YOUR ROLES AS "STEPS" WITH SO MUCH COMPASSION AND YOU TRULY DO CARE. TO SEEK ADVICE AND WANT TO WORK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR STEPKIDS TRULY BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. HOW HARD MOST OF YOU ARE TRYING IS SIMPLY AMAZING. AND TO GET BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN IS A MIRACLE TO ME. I NEVER REALIZED HOW HARD ANY OF THIS WAS ON "HER". AND NOW I DO HAVE SOME INSIGHT.

Don't get me wrong, she and I have had an up and down relationship. Sometimes taLking on the telephone thru the night like girlfriends. I mean, sharing our pasts, and even our dreams of the future. There were times I loved her. There were days I hated her. But why?

So, THAT is what brought me here.

What has kept me here is a whole different story. So if you haven't fallen asleep thru the above portion of my revelation, here is that part of why I'm STILL here:

I also have a 7 year old son from my second marriage. That too ended in divorce. And don't worry, I know both failing marriages were my fault..... Someone once said to me: "Janice, when you get divorced, you can blame the other party til the cows come home. Most people will believe that it truly was all HIS fault. But when you get divorced a second time, you really need to start looking at YOU!"

So I stay here because although you may think my relationship with stepmom should be hunky-dorey because my son is older, its someone I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Maybe only on rare occasions, but I would like to know how to treat her so maybe neither one of us needs to feel anger or resentment afterwards. And I may even let her know how much I appreciate all she has done. It is important for me to make amends for all the spiteful things I have done to her, regardless of her feelings towards me. It seems to me that her feelings for me change from conversation to conversation. Yet I still seem to seek her approval.

And finally (for those still with me here) I hope to learn enough about the "steps" so that when my little guy acquires a "step" mom, I can handle things better.

Today I strive to be a better person. Not only with this situation, but in everything that I do. As I lay my head down on my pillow at night, I always run a brief inventory of my day and how I handled things. For those things I think I handled well, I can pat myself on the back. But mainly, I do an inventory so that I can see what situations I did not handle well, go over the mistakes I made and think of ways I could have handled them better.

Hugs,
Janice

GOLDEN: Are you offended with me being here?

But most of us have the same issues and you did not seem to. It's not a general information site where you learn how to decorate or tend your garden. There is a lot of pain in these posts. I can't imagine wanting to read and observe the pain of the SPs that post here unless I had a real affinity to them. To me it would be like going to a site for survivors of some disease and reading intently what their pain is like. Not fun! Just wasn't sure why someone would put themselves through these discussions if they didn't relate to their own lives.

Everyone's welcome and many of the ladies (and men, I suppose) benefit and appreciate your unique insight- I was just curious.

I do not come here, read and post and revel in your pain. I have found this site to be most informative for my situation. Therefore I can relate to most feelings here. And I normally post only a side that some step parents may like to know regarding our similar feelings. While I read so much insecurity and jealousy in some, I also find many stories of happiness. And even in frustrating situations, the love for these children is apparent.

I do see your paralleling the whole "disease" point. No, I would not go there if I had no form of identifying with those suffering.

Just as I benefit from you, I am sure you could all benefit if there were a sight for ex-wives dealing with step moms. You would be amazed reading those posts and learn of our battles and daily struggles and find much to relate to.

Now normally I only post in a positive tone. But I have to admit that I flipped my lid and posted a really angry response to someone. Maybe I should have left it alone, but it appalled me. I was literally shaking with this person's view of their decisions and their taking credit for their stepchild getting away from his nut job mother. Mind you, I did not side with the nut job mom, I retaliated against an extremely cruel view. Now I am thinking I should not have hit the "post comment" button. After all, everyone here feels safe in expressing their feelings. Although I still feel justified in my disgust, and the venting helped me stop shaking from anger, I should not have judged so harshly.

With that being said, the post title was "Ideal" or "Idea". Check it out and let me know if I crossed the line. And if so, can I have it removed?

Hugs,
Janice

I read your reply to "idea".... your post expresses your feelings & opinions. We all don't have to agree all the time...I also reacted strongly to some of the posts made in that thread. Something hit a nerve with me as well.

I personally have no issues with a biomom on this site....as long as it isn't SD's mom...

Although it is a public forum...I do have a 'false' sense of privacy and would feel like my privacy was intruded on ..if she were to visit here. I know the difference but would feel that way anyway...Ironic huh!!!

Many of us here are biomoms, too.
I have learned many things as a step-mom (and this site) that I have applied to my X's GF. I might have dealt with her differently if I wasn't put in that situation first......and saw it from the other side. My kids will benefit....

22yrs of Marriage... So of which good, mostly bad.. One good thing a fantastic 12yr old daughter..
Dictated to, hit, abused..
But why does it cut like a knife, now hes someone new in his life, why do i feel like i'm been cheated and she's getting the side of him i have always longed for. The caring, gentle side.
The feeling that hes replaced his own daughter with her 7yr old, the fear that my daughter will prefer to live with them.
These thoughts keep me awake every night and the strange jealously grows.
Why... Someone straight talk me out of this because its not logical. I divorced this man because he was making my life hell, so why do i care who hes making happy now!!!!!!!!!!
Jules

Speaking from a bio only, I can tell you that your jealousies and insecurities are not unique.

As far as "her" getting the good, gentle side of your ex.....Well, I am a firm believer of a leopard never changing his spots. At least without extensive amount of therapy.

I too was scared that my son would prefer to live with his Dad's new family. But he never did. He got along well enough with his stepmom, but he will never be me. I am unique .

Your child may have a new facination with a new "mom" in the picture. She may seem to be more fun while your daughter is new to all of this. But eventually real life will hit and her stepmom will hopefully act like....well, like a Mom.

Plus, when a child goes to see the non-custodial parent, that parent always seem to want to make everything fun and partytime. It won't last.

Just read here. It will give you some insight of a stepmom's fears, insecurities, hate, resentment, love, frustration, anger, and every other emotion that ALL mom's feel.

We as bio's sometimes feel resentment because we are not asked nor are we consulted when our ex chooses a new "mom" for our child(ren) and it can be very scary. We would like to think he chose someone who will love our child(ren) as much as we do, but that isn't the case most times. And when they go on to have subsequent children, our fears are reaffirmed once again.

But I for one can attest to the fact that you will survive this. You can email me anytime!

Hugs, and welcome!
Janice