Step Talk

I shouldn't discipline – YES YOU CAN REPRIMAND ANY CHILD THAT IS IN YOUR CARE…EVEN A BABYSITTER IS ALLOWED TO GIVE TIME OUT!
I should constantly ask him how he's feeling and take any rebuff as his proof that I'm not doing the right thing – THIS IS PURE BS! KIDS…STEP OR NOT GO THROUGH MOOD SWINGS…ITS CALLED HORMONES!
I should not be involved with any issues with the ex...even if I am directly affected by a decision that needs to be made. – YOU MUST BE INVOLVED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR MARRIAGE…YOU CAN DO IT DIRECTLY (MORE DRAMA) OR INDIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR HUSBAND…BUT IF IT EFFECTS YOUR HOUSE…YOU DO HAVE A SAY!
I should look on my second marriage as a second class relationship because it's selfish. – AGAIN…PURE BS!
One site even has a letter from a step child who has grown up, who says that no divorced parent should marry until the child/ren has grown up and no longer need them. Until then the bio parents need to keep the child as the SOLE focus of their lives...this site seems to endorse this. – IF WEB SITES COULD BE BURNED…I’D PUT THIS ONE ON THE LIST FOR GIVING BAD ADVICE! I have step parents and step children…a child is NEVER a SOLE FOCUS of a marriage…the COUPLE is always the SOLE FOCUS and when it is functioning well, the household will follow suit…even in a non-step situation…putting children first is a recipe for DISASTER!

I think this site is the most balanced one i've seen...you will struggle...anything worth having is HARD WORK and I always try to remind myself that first marriages are not “perfect” and traditional families are not problem free…even though we view it as the “ideal type”. If traditional families were perfect, there would be no such thing as a stepfamily!!!

Make a GREAT Day!

Great comments.

I do agree as well about your comment that the couple should be the primary focus of the relationship....happy couple = happy family. When people (like us) lose sight of the couple relationship and start focusing on our own children, pretty soon the kids are grown up and moved on their own and the relationship is gone too.

Well said, Nise!

I am at work and don't have time to right a lengthy e-mails, but the ladies above said it all. All of that is nonsense! Listen to Nise.

No YOU ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT! Focus on you marriage and relationship with your husband. That's what I started to do and things have been alot better. I doubt your insignificant to your husband or he wouldn't have married you. Hang in there, everyone has those days when their feeling down. And don't believe everything you read.

I think Nise said it perfectly! You have no business putting your marriage on the back burner for any child. Your marriage comes first, and his children or all children involved for that matter, depend on you prioritizing your marriage first. You and your dh work together to provide a stable functioning home for all of the children involved, and they need a stable home.

The idea that parents wait until a child is an adult before they move on with their lives...that is classic Dr. Laura, and I don't always agree with her. I don't agree that you put your life on hold for a child. They are an addition to YOUR life. Divorce is challenging for children, but so is life. I don't agree that you punish yourself b/c you had a child, then you can't get married, or have additional children, until the oldest is an adult.

Every marriage, whether it's the first, second etc..or whether there are children, step or bio, involved, they all have challenges. Nothing is guaranteed. You just work on it the best you know how. And have faith in yourself that you deserve to have the best marriage/life with that person, regardless if they have children or not.

I really believe that putting your life on hold until children are grown sends a very clear and bad message to kids that their life is more important than yours and that you have no value. I think that by trying to make decisions, move on with your life inspite of challenges and striving to be happy provides an important example for kids about survival and thriving in the face of difficulty.

If I couldn't discipline my SD's I'd be bald by now. This is sad to say, but I am the primary parent when it comes to the raising of my SD's. My husband works many hours and travels extensively, which leaves me to hold the bag. Believe me, somedays I don't want the bag. You have to be the adult, and provide a loving stable environment for all the children involved. This is what is most important. The relationship you have with your husband is very important and should never be hidden or put on the back burner.

OH my LORD NO you are not insignificant!! I swear, Stepmom's and Stepdad's do NOT get enough CREDIT!! I don't have enough time to write the NOVEL I could expound on this subject, but Nise said it better than I ever could...

My heart goes out to you and what everyone said is absolutely right!!!
xo
Fearless

Excuse my language, but wtf? Where are you reading this stuff? If you have found websites that are telling you that you need to stay in the background, I suggest you stay off those sites!

You are a "step" MOTHER, not a "step" OTHER. You have every reason and right to dicipline when necessary and have say in anything that goes on in YOUR family unit.

I am not telling you to jump into the Mom role with both feet. As a bioparent engulfed in the insanity of the blended family issues, I can tell you that I would expect you to dicipline "our" child. You are a PRIMARY caregiver in this child's life. You are not insignificant, and you are not a second class citizen. You are a woman who has chose to love a man who had a child before he had you.

I wouldn't go yelling and screaming at the kid. That's MY job as the "bio", lol...kidding ladies!

That's like my 46 year old sister, married, no kids. She tells me that I shouldn't "LET" my son make decisions regarding college, clothing and friends. I shouldn't LET him have the car as often as he does. My son happens to be an extremely well-adjusted young person with a pretty good head on his shoulders. He sometimes expresses more common sense than I can understand. He was raised in a so-called "broken home" and has 3, yes THREE parents that love him very much...most of the time anyway.

So I told my sister, go have a baby, raise him or her for 17 years, and then we can compare notes. Until then, shut the f*ck up! WE are doing the best we can, and it has not always been easy. But ya know what? It's NEVER easy with kids. Period.

As a "step", you have a little more freedom in allowing yourself to be more of a friend along with the benefits of being a parent figure. "They" say that as parents, we should not try to be friends with our kids, we need to be their parents. They have their own friends. I do agree with this to some degree.

Please remember that this child is the important factor here. And he needs you JUST AS MUCH as he needs the other two parents in his life.

Final suggestion if I may;

Stay off those sites. Stick with the winners. And it seems to me that the ladies (and gents?) in this forum have the best education for you. Its called EXPERIENCE. Any organization that tells you how to raise your children without day-to-day real life situations is just full of hooey!

Hugs,
Janice
(BioMom) FINALLY, found my steptalk.org registration acceptance!
I thought they rejected me becuz I am a bio, not step....

During a child support modification mediation with his ex, I actually had a judge tell me that my children didn't matter, that the "first family comes first." That did it! I told the judge, a female, by the way, to go ahead and put him in jail now, because you can't get blood from a stone. Until the court system in this country recognizes the needs of ALL the children in a given situation, this kind of attitude will prevail. And it's sad, really, because none of the kids asked for any of this, nor did us "second" wives.

~ Anne ~

I did read that the opinion of the court system is this:

A child(ren) born into a first marriage(where divorce followed) are considered "more important" is because the legal system feels that if a person goes on to have more children, he or she should have FIRST considered the financial situation that he would be put in having more children. It is not the first child's "fault" his parent went on to have more children. That was the parents choice. The first child should never have do without financial support because of a parents irresponsibility in considering the financial factors.

Now, I remind you that I have no "steps", and am only a "bio". My ex was ordered to pay $100 a week starting when my son was 3. He is now 17. I have NEVER, til this day, received more than $75 a week. I have never questioned my ex, nor have I ever requested a cost of living adjustment. Remember also that the divorce was completed BEFORE probationary demands had to be throught the courts. Yes, I could have used the other $25. No, I am by no means well off. I am 41 years old and I live my Dad for God's sake. I live here because financially, I could not handle rent on my own. And my ex's $25 a week would NOT have allowed me to move anyway.

A few years back, I was in a financial bind. I asked him if our son could receive the full $100. Be begrudgingly gave it to him, through me. He did ask where $75 a week went before he agreed. I itemized every penny I spent on my son in the course of a year. While $75 was not spent weekly, there were certainly weeks where we had far, far, far exceeded that amount. Therefore, I understood that "support" did not mean that my ex was responsible for my son's ENTIRE financial support. If I am a physically capable person who can work, I must work. By the way, I have been at the same job for 18 years.... He paid the ordered amount for approximately 6 months. Without telling me, he just started again with the $75. I never questioned it. He had other children and felt that he must have needed more than my son did.

My point?

1) Why would two children from the first marriage BOTH be considered. Why isnt the father scolded for having a second child in the first place. Evidently he was financially irresponsible then too. Should that second child be taken out of the equation?

2) The child(ren from the second marriage are "not important" because why? Uh, is it their fault his father was financially irresponsible and had those children. No. Therefore, why should those children not be considered in the financial makeup of deciding how much support the first children should have?

3) Finally, where in our constitution does it say that children from second families are not entitled to equality?

Thats all folks!

Hugs,
Janice

PS: You don't have to do the math....To date, my ex would owe my son approximately $16,000.00! Would my son have "turned out better" had he received that $25 a week? Doubtfully..... He is funny, sensitive, wonderful, smart, and as well-adjusted as any child from a broken home could be. Now, ask me if he could have been better today if he had been brought up by BOTH parents? Perhaps? In a loving home? Probably... But I can tell you that being brought up by BOTH of his parents, fighting and arguing would have been the worse possible thing for him...or any child. Yes, I feel guilt. But when I look at it that way, I realize we did the right thing.

Although i did read your entire post here, i am most impressed by the last paragraph. Bringing a child up in a hostile environment is, IMO, always detrimental. I am a product of that environment. My parents waited to divorce until i graduated from high school ( i am the youngest) as they thought that was better and/or the right thing to do. My mother put up with years of abuse and infidelities because it was the era where the women just stayed because it was their duty. She has told us, now that we are all adults, that had she known how frightened and miserable we were, she would have left him long before. But like I said. We were raised at a time when women just did not leave their husbands, no matter what. Thank God that has changed. The "non-traditional" family has now become the "traditional" family. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and broken homes are becoming the "norm". I'm not saying that this is a good or bad thing, but at least we have choices. If the parents are miserable together, you can bet the kids are miserable too. Children learn what they live. And to be raised in a hostile environment is only continuing the cycle. That becomes the "norm" to them and they carry it out in their own lives. Divorce is never pretty and never easy. But either is living in fear and discomfort.

That is awesome Sheila and I totally agree. That is why my husband and I opted to live in separate homes until our kids were older and until we got some of this stuff sorted out. It has been awesome for us. I just know that living in constant chaos is not healthy!