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Desperately need advice

1.step.mom's picture

I am step-mom to three kids, 2 over 18..and also have child with my DH as well who is 6. We have been together for 12 years and those 12 years have been hell due to BM and my husbands ex-friend.
DH and I met through a mutual friend while we were both exiting our former relationships. We hadn't cheated, just got together within weeks of the break ups. My husband's former friend through a log on BM fire of rage he was moving on so quickly by lying and saying we had been seeing each other for months before they decided to split in an effort to hook up with BM while she was grieving. Though over the years I have told her that wasn't true (nicely) she had bad mouthed me all around town, to her kids and made me out to be a home wrecker with no morals. I'm going to be 33 in April and I am just so done with BM. I have decent relationships with my steps despite all this but if they aren't "Team Bm" Then their mom makes like her on them. I desperately want to make my news years resolution to cut her drama out of my life but I don't know how without offending the step kids. My husband understand my feelings as he's seen all i have put a brave face through and though he wont cut off his kids (I'd never ask that) he understand for my mental health I need to cut off this diseased portion of my life as talking and pleading with BM has not helped at all. Now that the step kids are older and getting married and having babies I walk into a hoard of the BM's family at functions and have to be the center of their wrath and almost High school mean girl attitudes and I am just soul tired of this. But what can I do, any advice?

StickAFork's picture

WEEKS???

Yeah, you're never going to convince anyone that you two weren't skirting around together behind BM's back. Just accept that. You can't change that.

Now, it's been 12 years, and nothing's changed. Lovely. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. DH and I were friends for a few years, each married, and then our marriages ended *around* the same time. Our friendship continued, and eventually grew into more than that. BM has told everyone who would listen that we *always* had a relationship. Shrug. Whatever. Dh and I know we didn't, and that's all that matters.

My SD is now pregnant, bringing the first grandbaby. SIGH. I feel your pain.

oldone's picture

I despise cheaters.

But there's a time to let go of crap. I believe you were not cheating but even for people who were cheating - after a decade let it go.

I know a couple (adore the ex wife) who were married for years with great grown kids. The DH fell hard for an employee who looked SO skanky - not nearly as attractive as his wife. Left his wife and married the other woman.

It's been years now. His new wife and I will never be close friends but I have taken the time to get to know her. She's actually quite intelligent with a great sense of humor (wish she would change from that long, ratted, white blond hair and too much makeup and hookerish clothes).

They are very happy together. I have not made it my mission in life to castigate them for what they did over a decade ago. Live and let live.

The ex did not want the divorce and has not remarried - but she has done some astounding career things after being a SAHM forever. It may not have been her choice to be single but it has opened up great opportunities for her. Her life was not ruined.

1.step.mom's picture

You would think after 12 years she'd let it go but she's still going like it happened yesterday. Not to down play the importance of their previous marriage but it was only a 5 year marriage and a lot of on again off again in the years spent together. My husband and I have now been married 7 years...the grudge she holds is now extending to trash talk about my young child and reinforcment to his siblings that he's only HALF their brother. My heart can't take anymore. I feel consumed by anger. I have kept it in check all these years, never going off on her, and actually trying to be empathetic to how she must feel but her actions and how they make me feel consume my thoughts anymore. It's not healthy. I'm not giving up on my marriage because of her cause my husband and I are solid, but I can't allow my step children to be used as extentions of her wrath anymore. I figure I have to look at them and tell them I understand their position but after 12 years of effort, and love I'm either family or they are just my husband's kids. It's up to them cause I'm cutting the BM off from preying on me anymore. I don't know anything more to do than that.

Orange County Ca's picture

You seem determined and you're the one on the spot so carry on. In addition seek professional counseling. You'll be amazed at the insight a outsider can have.

Make sure to find a good one and by that I mean if after 4 sessions you're not feeling better move to another one. You should not have to go to one for more than 3 months of weekly sessions or you're with the wrong one.

It's worthe the money.