jkb6868's picture

HELP! My boyfriends son hates me!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and moved in together about 8 months ago. I have a 5 year old son of my own and he LOVES my boyfriend! He also has a great relationship with his father and we share him 50/50. My boyfriend has a 4 year old son 6 months younger then my son. The problem is, his son hates me. He is mean to me, tells me he hates me, he screams at me if I ask him to do something. He tells us that his mommy told him he does not have to be nice to me. It hurts, a lot and I wonder if our relationship will survive this. My boyfriend is upset because he spends the time he does have with him punishing him. He has tried spanking, timeout, we even took every single toy out of his room. He just says "I don't care". He told me last night that he wanted his dad to move out so they could go live with his grandma. I started crying, he told me he did not care if I cry that he hated me and did not want to be here.

I am very concerned about my son. He gets so upset when my boyfriends son treats me that way. Am I doing the right thing by letting my son be exposed to this behavior? I just do not know what else to do!


Echo's picture

Don't give a bratty 4 year

Don't give a bratty 4 year old this much power. You cried in front of him? Seriously...stop. You're showing him how much he can hurt you and he LIKES that. So stop caving.

I need to ask: You've known this kid for two years. I highly doubt this behavior JUST started when you moved in together. So why DID you move in with him? You know this kind of behavior is bad for your child to witness, yet you moved in with this guy and his Holy Terror anyway? Why?????

If you plan on staying in this relationship, you need to get a spine where this kid is involved. If he screams at you, you grab his arm, march him into time out and VERY VERY firmly say "You will NEVER speak to me like that in MY house ever again. Do you understand me?". No more crying. No more being weak. No more giving this little shit the power you've BEEN giving him. HE'S FOUR !!!!

If this dynamic doesn't change...and very soon...you need to get out. Your son comes before you, period. You ask if you're "doing the right thing by letting my son be exposed to his behavior". You're not serious. I'm not sure why you'd ask, but the answer is this: You know full well how horrible it is for your son. But YOU want to stay and by doing that, you're putting your little boy second to YOUR happiness. That needs to stop. So, if you can't get your boyfriends child to turn around, you need to move out. The sooner the better.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

my.kids.mom's picture

I don't understand these

I don't understand these posts about the kids' behavior when the bm told the kid s/he doesn't have to listen to the sm bc she's not his/her mom, etc. WHAT DID THE BIODAD TELL THE SKID? Where is he? Why doesn't the kid listen to Daddy when he is in Daddy's home? There is a problem when Mom tells a kid what to do at Dad's house... this means Dad is saying nothing, doing nothing to stop the behavior...which is the REAL problem. If Daddy can't step up, get to steppin...all there is to it!

jkb6868's picture

Daddy is stepping up. He

Daddy is stepping up. He tells him "this is not acceptable" He asked him "does your mommy know how much trouble you get into when you come to my house and act like that and say mean things". The kid replied with "no". He said "maybe you should tell her and tell her that you don't like getting in trouble so you are not going to listen to her and you will be nice. He says "ok", but 5 minutes later his attitude starts again.

jkb6868's picture

Thank you for the advice. I

Thank you for the advice. I feel like I was slapped into reality a little bit. My boyfriend only gets his son every other weekend and what ever is ordered by the court. His ex is a real witch and would love nothing more then for her to get by bf out of her son's life so she can raise him with her new husband as their own.

He has not always been like this or I would not have let them move in. We even did a couple trial rounds before he officially moved all of his stuff in. We took the extra bedroom and made it his own room and he was excited about it. A couple months in is when the behavior started. Maybe because I was the one making him do things like eat dinner, go to bed, clean his room, etc. Whatever it may be, he does not like me telling him what to do. It's hard when I am already parenting my little one so I hold him to the same expectations and do not let him get away with everything like everyone else in his life does!

Believe me, I have grabbed him up and put him in the corner. I have told him that he does not have to like me, but he will respect me and not talk to me like that! We washed his mouth out with soap! When he acts like that he goes straight to bed, no toys, no tv, no nothing. Nothing seems to phase him. The only reason I let him see me cry last night is because my boyfriend thought that maybe it would have a different result if he saw that he hurt me and I really did care. He says that maybe I need to tell him I love him more and show more affection.

He has spanked him, stood him in the corner for long periods of time, even making him stand with his hands up in the air. He has lost priveledges of getting to play outside, I am saying we have done everything and this child does not care!

I know this is not good for my son! I also know that sometimes other biological children have horrible behavioral issues and at that point you can not just move away from your own kids. I just did not know if it was different if the issue is with other bio kids. I am going to switch weekends with my ex so we do not have the boys on the same weekend, at least for a while anyways.

I LOVE THESE: Thanks!! Puts a whole different perspective on things!

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Echo's picture

Based on this post, honey, I

Based on this post, honey, I think the answer is simple: Stop parenting some one elses child. This kid is your boyfriends responsibility. If he misbehaves, allow his parent to deal with him.

My kids are now 21, 24 and 29. My husband has been in their lives for 17 years and they ADORE him. I mean they love the snot out of that man. Why? Because he never once...not ONCE...tried to be their Dad. When I'd wig out and become unreasonable (Hey. Imma Mom. It's what we do. LOL) he'd be the calm one. The quiet one they could go to and talk WITH. He'd listen and agree or calmly explain...whichever was needed. He never parented them, never punished them, never told them what to do. I handled my kids and he had the luxury of being their friend. I've always been a wee bit jealous of that. Sigh. Maybe you could try being THAT person for a while and see if this little boy comes around.

Couldn't hurt to try. *shrug*

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

jkb6868's picture

I totally agree, I need to

I totally agree, I need to stop "parenting" him! It is just so hard becuase I have a son just 6 months older. So how do I get on to him for doing something and not the other one...

HRNYC's picture

I think your BF needs a

I think your BF needs a parenting course asap and he and his son may need family counseling. Btw, "we" should not be washing his mouth with soap (I don't think a parent should, but certainly you should not). BF needs to take the lead and deal with his son. A lot of times when I see behaivor like this, it can mean the kid thinks no one is listening to him.

beaccountable's picture

Oh my, sweetie this is not

Oh my, sweetie this is not good.

I am sorry. (((HUGS))

What does the future look like based on everything which is current? If in fact this little guys Mother told him that he does not have to be nice to you that really leaves you in the dirt. No wonder you cried. I would have cried too. My guess is you cried because of everything.

Couples should not live together when children are involved. Unless they are married.

My comment may sound oldfashion and bold. Also children should never be involved in relationships unless until marriage is set in stone.

Especially when the children are very young. Its too much for them to deal with emotionally.
Now that I said all that...If this relationship is ready to take the leap into marriage, your Future Husband should have talked with his son and said "Daddy loves *your name* very much and we are going to be married in May". "I expect you to treat *your name* with good manners and nicely, just like you would your teacher at school, your mommy and myself"
"it is NOT ok to hurt her feelings, ever"

As soon as he heard his own son saying "My Mom said I dont have to be nice to you",,your boyfriend should have corrected his son right away. If your boyfriend doesnt do this you will have bigger problems every time his son spends time with all of you.

MY oh My.........

I'd rather be alone then to spend one second being unhealthy with you.

Attachment-based “parental alienation” is not a child custody issue, it is a child protection issue...
Dr. Craig Childress

Orange County Ca's picture

That kid is re-motivated with

That kid is re-motivated with each and every visit to his mothers making it impossible for Daddy to reverse the attitude. Since you're not a biological parent I don't see a possibility of getting a court order against the Mom for what she's doing. Being married to your boyfriend, a huge mistake at this point, would not change much if anything legally.

Frankly I don't see a solution as long as the mother lives.

Sadly you're going to have to leave as neither you or your child can continue to live under these circumstances.

******************

I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.