downright-disgusted's picture

16 yr old stepdaughter sneaks into sleep with dad & step-mom: Super weird

I can't help but feel I have made a horrible mistake. I married a man this summer who has a daughter who is 16, soon to be 17. She has not lived with him since she was very young. I was so wrong when i thought she would never come live with us. She wanted to come live with us almost as soon as we got married. Her bio mom is not that great of a role model for her so I was all for the change. As soon as she gets moved in she starts bouncing on her dad's lap at any chance she gets like she's a iittle kid. My friends and fam think its weird too. She then began coming into our room to get in bed with him. I put a stop to it for a while, but it started again with her coming in crying bc she had a bad dream, trouble w/ a bf, or whatever reason , she winds up laying in bed with him, and me there on my side, just feeling like i'm just there. 2 nights ago, she comes in crying about a breakup, and she says to me " I bet you don't want to hear about my stupid boyfriend problems" ....and continues crying. we both then get up to talk to her & I make her hot choc. she goes back to bed, or so i thought. I woke up a couple hours later to find her spooned up against her dad ... I did not hide my disapproval and let him know exactly how i felt. I told him that i think this is inappropriate behaviour and he should not allow it. He responded by telling me that i turned something innocent into something sick and twisted. He said my gut feeling that i told him i had is wrong. One thing i have learned over the years is that a gut feeling should always be trusted...........i am totally disgusted by this situation...............

anyone have any input?


downright-disgusted's picture

I usually never have a problm

I usually never have a problm sleeping but after all this, I am wide awake all night, Thank God I don't have to work tomorrow

"The world is too much with us"...
William Wordsworth

Gabriels Mom's picture

It's very inappropriate for

It's very inappropriate for her to "spoon" with her dad.

She shouldn't be in your room. Why would he want her to lay where y'all have sex? That's weird to me.

"Life-It is sexually transmitted and is always fatal" ~Anonymous

"You smell like drama and a headache, please get away from me"

beaccountable's picture

abnormal.

abnormal.

I'd rather be alone then to spend one second being unhealthy with you.

Attachment-based “parental alienation” is not a child custody issue, it is a child protection issue...
Dr. Craig Childress

downright-disgusted's picture

yeah... I am going to a

yeah... Barf! I am going to a counselor on my own cause I don't even know if i want to try to work this out after how he reacted so defensively

"The world is too much with us"...
William Wordsworth

Gabriels Mom's picture

They always act defensively.

They always act defensively. Any time I bring up anything at all that implies my DH is doing something wrong. He gets mad and says I'm calling him a bad father...when I never say that. Just somethings I think he should do differently.

Ask him what he thinks will happen if BM gets wind of it and calls CPS. How exactly does he think that will look to an investigator.

Why would put himself into a position of being accused of molesting his daughter?

"Life-It is sexually transmitted and is always fatal" ~Anonymous

"You smell like drama and a headache, please get away from me"

downright-disgusted's picture

Thanks Gabriels Mom

Thanks Gabriels Mom

"The world is too much with us"...
William Wordsworth

dontcallmestepmom's picture

He's defensive because he

He's defensive because he knows this is wrong.

I would tell him firmly that she is not to get into your bed at all anymore.

This is completely inappropriate. You are definitely not wrong.

downright-disgusted's picture

well i told him that when i

well i told him that when i go see a thereapist, individ. or together with him they will launch some type of investigation. they are legally bound to do so. He says "let them investigate all they want" .... I am just sickened by this new wound to my soul. Marriage to a man with a teenage daughter who thinks its perfectly innocent to lay together and I am the sick and twisted one?? I simply cannot revert back to those old days when women simply kept their mouths shut and looked the other way. I will not. I will not. even though i did not see anything sexual per sey, I know what i saw was highly inappropriate and my gut instinct tells me to report it & run like hell.

"The world is too much with us"...
William Wordsworth

Gabriels Mom's picture

He's an idiot. Report it and

He's an idiot.

Report it and bail. That's not normal. Ask him to tell his friends his teenage daugther gets into his bed and cuddles with him and see what they say.

If someone else reports it and you are still there with him...they will investigate you too. My brother was investigated by CPS and my SIL didn't understand why they were investigating her as well. I said "because you were present and didn't do anything to prevent or stop it"

"Life-It is sexually transmitted and is always fatal" ~Anonymous

"You smell like drama and a headache, please get away from me"

Pinki3663's picture

I agree with all the posters

I agree with all the posters above but would add, next time take photos. SHOW him how disgusting it looks. Do not give him the photos. Keep them for the investigation that is bound to happen.

StepAside's picture

What you are describing is

What you are describing is not all that unusual. Sounds like she is #1 competing with you (google Electra complex) and #2 is maturing backwards. Sounds to me like she is missing something in the parental nurturing department and is trying to recover it. You said you didn't agree with BM's parenting or lack thereof.

I'll be interested to hear what your therapist says. I've heard of much worse being reported to CPS and nothing being done. I can't imagine that they are going to swoop in to do anything about a 16-yr-old who occasionally sleeps in her father's bed. I know it sounds horrible, but I just don't think they'd put that on their high priority list.

Also, I'll be interested to hear if co-sleeping is illegal. Lots of families around the world do it. Not saying that I agree with it, but I wouldn't be threatening him with legal recourse if I didn't have any.

I understand that he's protective of her. Since he hasn't been able to live with her for so many years, I bet they are trying to make up for lost time. And there you are, the road block to them building the bond they never had. Every input you have is going to be branded as evil or sick, so that it doesn't compromise their terms in any way.

If your husband wants to stay married (which is questionable right now, given the high he is getting off of protecting his newborn teen from her evil stepmonster), and also have his kid integrate into your family, then I think it'd be great for all three of you to go to counseling and talk about this crap with an unbiased counselor. If the counselor tells all three of you that them sleeping together is a setup for sexual abuse and is not normal, maybe your stepdaughter will stop coming in there at all. But I don't think either of them are going to hear it from you. And if you try to launch an investigation, I think he's just going to interpret that as you upping the stakes, and to the curb you go. Which might not be the worst thing ever either, up to you.

Here's some other folks who have been debating the topic of co-sleeping with teens: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/319496/co-sleeping-teenagers

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Felicity0224's picture

I totally agree with this.

I totally agree with this. She is old enough to hear what a professional counselor has to say, and definitely old enough to understand that what she's doing is wrong.

xtina's picture

There is a time and a place

There is a time and a place for father/daughter bonding and in the marital bed with wife right there is NOT the time. I don't think he is meaning to be creepy about it, but nevertheless it is NOT ok! She is a grown woman who is possibly having sex with teenage boys and I don't see how your husband thinks its appropriate to lay with her. When I was 16/17 my dad would put his arm around me in public, just to be affectionate because we were very close but never got to see each other and I remember feeling embarrassed because I thought "what if i saw a cute boy? I don't want him to think this is my older BF". What I'm getting at is I think your SD knows this behavior is not appropriate and I think you should talk to her about it. She seems like a nice girl who is just seeking the approval of a male when she isn't getting it from boys her own age. Long term, this is setting her up to bad choices.

oneoffour's picture

I think he feels he is making

I think he feels he is making up for lost time. However if she is old enough for a boyfriend then she is old enough to sleep on her own.

Talk to your DH and ask him to check with his men friends ab out whether this is normal or nuts. Let's see if it is just your 'dirty mind' or whether he has escaped reality for a while as he acts like she is 5 yrs old.

As for the "I bet you don't want to hear my stupid boyfriend troubles..."speech, she is looking for sympathy. Just tell her "OK, tell us. But you cannot sit on our bed and you have 5 minutes. If you cannot deal with boyfriend issues maybe you shouldn't have a boyfriend."

Your DH is getting defensive because he knows this is odd. The other option is to move into a different room and become his room mate for a couple weeks. No hugging, touching, sex.Nothing beyond platonic relationship. When he asks what is wrong you can tell him that as he prefers to sleep with his daughter over sharing a bed with you it is obvious you are no longer part of the partnership and you are exploring your options. When he blows a gasket remind him that one day she will be gone and all grown up and he will be very lonely. So counselling is a good idea.

dtzyblnd's picture

Making up for lost time or

Making up for lost time or not, the marital bed is where the sex happens. How are you supposed to have sex, especially being newlyweds, if a woman child has put herself firmly in between daddy and wifey?

When I first started dating DH, his son and the half-sister used to crawl into bed with us. I have never co-slept with my sons and certainly not at 6 and 8, which were thier ages at the time. I told my DH, I am uncomfy being in a bed with a child that is not mine. I'm sorry, but if you want to sleep with them, go to another room and sleep with them. I'm not going to sleep with them.

Ironically, that was one fight that DH and I did not have at all. He respected my need for privacy, and he respected that I'm not comfy with sleeping with children. I'm just not, be it my children or anyone else's.

And after awhile, they stopped trying to get into the room and into the bed. But that took Daddy-O telling them no and not fighting me on it.

I think if they want to rekindle lost bonds, they do it outside of your bed. That's your privacy too and most adults see their bedrooms as no kiddo zones after a certain age.

If he doesn't respect that position from you, move his shit to her bedroom to make a point. I certainly would do that myself. Teens do not belong in our beds.

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!
Be Polite, Be Professional, and have a plan to kill everybody you meet ~ General Mad Dog Mattis USMC

doll faced sm's picture

Walk into the living room one

Walk into the living room one morning, hair dishevelled, and talk about what an amazing night you just had with DH. Feign worry over whether or not the "stains" will come out. Especially as there are so many of them.

Teens: "What can we do; where can we go?" Go home; mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities; your parents do not owe you fun.

xtina's picture

I think this is perfect!! OR

I think this is perfect!!
OR better yet... have really really loud sex one night while she is at your house. THEN the next day say to your DH in front of her "That was the best night ever! I will never be able to look at our bed the same way." If that STILL doesn't creep her the fuck out then one night be naked when she comes in your room and then she won't come in again.

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^^THIS!! Gross her out!

^^^^THIS!! Gross her out! LOL

Seriously though, I can't believe her father is allowing it. Until HE does something, it's unlikely things will change.

If this were me, I'd sit him down alone and have a calm conversation about it. Explain how uncomfortable it is, how inappropriate it is, especially given her age, and ask him how he'd feel if he knew a friend of his was sleeping and spooning with his teenage daughter? It's NOT ok.

Let him know what you're prepared to do if he doesn't put a stop to it as well. Whether that be live like roommates until she's gone, move out of your bedroom, refuse sex, whatever it is you care to do. This situation is up to him to fix and if he doesn't, then there's something SERIOUSLY wrong here.

"Behind every bitch is a woman who got tired of being broken"

"Wine is to women like duct tape is to men - it fixes everything"

Bojangles's picture

I agree with the making up

I agree with the making up for lost time theory. DH probably feels he has lost out on many cuddly years with his daughter when she was young and is just glad to have his daughter living with him and being affectionate. If it were cuddling on the sofa I would probably think it was normal and affectionate, but getting into bed with you when you are not her parent is an intrusion.

He probably has no idea how to tell her that she's a bit old for getting into bed with him and fears hurting or offending her, or worst case scenario, driving her to move out again. So he's trying to avoid facing that scenario by denying that there is anything wrong and going on the offensive blame-wise.

Maybe if you explain that you understand those feelings, and are in no way accusing him of being inappropriate, he would be less defensive. You could try explaining the situation from your point of view as someone who is not her mother but is now expected to have a 16 year old in your bed. Maybe if you said 'if I had a 16 year old son, and he got upset or ill, would it be ok for him to sleep in our bed with us?' it would make him think about it from your point of view?

Mum of 3, step mum of 5, 10 years in the step-parenting trenches

saltedwounds's picture

Sounds a lot like what I am

Sounds a lot like what I am going through right now with SD17 and the DH. Just got married in June of this year. SD17 is relentless, I feel like I wanna crawl up in a shell at times or just flat out leave.SD17 acts like shes the wife.

stepdown's picture

I did have to tell SD

I did have to tell SD directly that we are having sex in that bed and she shouldn't be touching it, she isn't cuddling with us but for awhile she wanted to constantly be in the bedroom and then make our bed up? Why?

Dh refused to speak to hear about it, so i did and now she is NEVER in our bedroom and sure never touches the sheets.

So tell SD that you are having intimate relations in that bed.

goodtimes's picture

Yes, thank you Lo!!! I was

Yes, thank you Lo!!! I was reading all of these comments and wondering why no one had mentioned that! IMO this is very very innapropriate! I think the fact that they are recently reunited after not being in each others lives makes the co-sleeping even WORSE! My SD came to live with us when she was 16 too and I would have FREAKED if she had done this! I might have even dumped him over it. Thankfully SD mostly kept to herself, I don't even think she knew where our bedroom was... Lol!

Discipline your children now, or prison guards will do it for you later... it's your choice.

beaccountable's picture

Telling the almost grown

Jawdropping!

Telling the almost grown woman about the marital relations going on in the bed between you and her father is CLASSIC.

Honestly I still cant get past that a 17 year old or even a 12 year old is spooning with a parent. Cant wrap my head around that.

Lets say the "almost adult" does not see that is it harmful, the parent who doesnt see it's harmful has a problem.....sorry but lets be real.

I'd rather be alone then to spend one second being unhealthy with you.

Attachment-based “parental alienation” is not a child custody issue, it is a child protection issue...
Dr. Craig Childress

RedWingsFan's picture

It was disgusting when SD14

It was disgusting when SD14 would do that at 12 too. She'd lay down next to daddy on the floor watching movies and put her butt in his crotch, nuzzle his neck, grab his arm and pull it over her body and then hold that hand, fingers interlaced. ICK ICK ICK!

The one and only time I witnessed that behavior, I immediately left the room. He noticed a few minutes later and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that if you'd lay like that with a lover/spouse, why on earth would you think it's appropriate to lay like that with a CHILD??? He said his initial reaction was "this doesn't feel right" but then he dismissed it because she's "just a little girl and she's my daughter and this is innocent". When I explained to him how it would appear to an outsider (like my daughter and myself) he understood and spoke to SD about it. It never happened again.

"Behind every bitch is a woman who got tired of being broken"

"Wine is to women like duct tape is to men - it fixes everything"

downright-disgusted's picture

Thank you all soo much for

Thank you all soo much for your insightful comments. I agree with the one who said that cps is most likely not going to come swooping in to investigate as there are much worse dysfunctional activites happening... this happened 4 mornings ago and I have since moved into the spare room. The DH & I are not speaking as I feel that I have drained my emotional reserve from trying to "calmly " explain how the world sees this, How I see this. and violated I feel.
I have 2 grown daughters and neither of them would ever conceive of spooning their dad, like she did. & he was in his underwear sleeping. I sat her down & told her that this behavior is inappropriate and that I am not tolerating. It seems that the Sd & I are ok. DH is the one with the prob. especially since I am no longer sleeping with him.
... just going min by min, Thank God I work full time, & can go somewhere to get away from this situation. I am also very glad that i found this site and some people who can identify and offer advice & help. Thank you

"The world is too much with us"...
William Wordsworth