It's getting ugly. sigh My H has been using a mediator/councilor to find better ways to communicate with BM. BM is totally threatened now, because the mediator is saying things need to be separate, less contact, all the stuff we SMs talk about. BM calls H 3 or 4 times a day and I don't think he tells me the half of it. There's a codependency going on there, BM needs my H's attention and H fears BM will alienate SD from him. BM is going absolutely off the deep end, her neediness, her fix is going to be cut off and she's not going to let it go without a fight. I knew it was bad, but I had no idea how dependent she is. H is hoping the mediator will help change this. I think it's a good step. But the councilor did say it would get worse before it got better.

To lighten your day. Here is a typical heart to heart with your teenagers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_veIGGP1Uh4

There are no positive role models out there for stepmoms. The closest you get to positive is Mrs Brady and Julia Roberts (Stepmom, ’98). But in both cases the BM is either dying, dead or out of the picture. I don’t think they count. I read in a stepparenting book that there are a couple of children’s stories where the stepmom is good. In all cases the BM is dead and the children choose which person is to be their stepmom, not the husband. We need a champion, an advocate, a public figure who is admired and is a stepmom. Has Oprah ever done a show on stepfamilies?

I feel like I got a lucky break. My H was at a work event and was sitting at a table with two veteran childless stepmoms (like me). Well I guess they had quite a discussion. He brought up my fears about my relationship with SD and they validated my feelings and said they were perfectly reasonable and understandable.

Man can never be a woman's equal in the spirit of selfless service with which nature has endowed her.
-- Mohandas Gandhi

Just researching some quotes and found this one and it made me think about

I've never like the term stepparent and the many variations (stepmom, stepdad, stepkid etc) I've never liked it because of the myth of the evil stepmother is just a bit much. One day perhaps it will be viewed in a positive light. After all women are now allowed to vote. So much progress for us humans.

The BM in my life has a mental illness (anxiety / depression) that makes parenting at times too much for her. BM is functioning, she has a job, a BF and when she's well she's a good and loving mom. We have SD9 50%+ of the time.

I'm a new member and have been looking for some sort of place to be able to have discussions about being a stepparent. I have a SD who's nine but I do not have any children of my own. I don't actually try to parent my SD - she's with us 50+% of the time. My relationships with my SD is good although I don't know that I love her the way I love my nephew, but I do care for her dearly. There are times that I find her behavior disrespectful or spoiled. It's not always her fault, both her parents react in two ways: guilty because they are divorced and/or try to annoy each other sometimes through SD. The BParents see who can spoil her more or who does the SD favor more. The SD knows and uses this to manipulate her parents -- it's so hard to watch. This can't be good for her. Her BF (my partner) still ties her shoes -- isn't 9.5 a little too old for that? When she gets on the phone with her BM she sometimes acts like she's sad because her BM will shower her with attention because the BM herself suffers from anxiety and depression and tends to project. Some days it's such a hard position to be in. I have voiced some criticism, but that can be a slippery slope. I've been a SD so I try to respect the role both her parent's play in her life and give them space. But sometimes you feel invisible and it causes resentment. I don't know that I have a question, other then, is there anyone else out there who is a stepmom and has no kids of there own? How is it for you? Needed to get that off my chest for some while.