My best friend and DH are working for the same company right now. Although DH is not working right now because of his back surgery tomorrow, he went to a meetig this evening. It was one of those motivational ones to get you excited about the company..blah blah... He comes home telling me that my friend wants him to go with her to a conference in September to Denver. I flipped out!

Today was Sd's first appointment with the new therapist. Her previous one felt that the judges were not being fair and listening to her. Probably because the judge told DH that we were paying her off to say what we wanted. Yeah, we wanted to hear that SD's grandfather likes to watch her finger herslef. Sick F**K!! Anyway, she recommended another therapist and agreed to still stay in contact and help make decisions for SD's treatment. So we met with therapist number three....

ok, let's start with my ex husband. Poor guy.... He and his wife have been trying to make their marriage work, but when you are married to the nastiest woman on earth, it is tough. He was supposed to pick up BD this afternoon for his weekend. At 3:30 he said he would be there shortly to get her. A hour later, he called at said he would e extremely late because his wife was supposed to take him to pick up BD and then to the dealership to pick up his jeep. Apparently they got into at lunch (which is where he called me from) and she refused to take him. She left and he had to walk. He was calling me because he was about 30 miles from the dealership and probably 45 from my house. He had no idea when he would get to the house to pick her up. It was pouring rain down where I was, so I told him not to be dumb and I was on my way. Called DH and told him the situation, which of course he was fine with. When I finally got to EX he was soaking wet from walking. I finally got him to the dealership (where I hid on the side of the dealership in case his wife showed up!!!) When we got there, his wife sent a message saying to lose the house key because he was not welcome. He got his jeep, then came back with a Huge blue stain on his shirt. Pen leaked all over! He told me that he wasnt sure if he would be at his house or at his mom's house with BD, but he called into work and said he was not coming in. He took BD out to dinner and a movie. Hopefully things look up. I made him promise if wifey got crazy, he would call me to come get BD. She busted his lip before and punched him... so, hopefully no major incidences this weekend. I feel bad for the guy because he really is a pretty decent man.

Another blow up with DH... one step forward two steps back. But that is not even what this about. I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize that I am important to ME. I understand that as a human being I am entitled to be happy. I have spent my life being a people pleaser and doing everything in life for everyone else. I woke up today. I just came in from standing in the front yard having a long conversation with DH about my decision to find happiness. And like I told him, he truly makes me happy. He brings me happiness on levels that I never thought anyone could reach. But there are a few aspects that bring me so much pain that it drowns out the happiness. We have dealt with those issues...well, most of them.... SD is still the source of great turmoil.

This is completely NOT step related, but I need some help with an assignment I have in an English Writing class I am taking. I have a general idea of what to write, but I am having some difficulty putting my thoughts into words. And I think the topic is a little unusual and I wanted to get an idea from each of you what your thoughts would be. Here is the prompt that my professor gave us:

I have not been on here since I posted the now "infamous" post! Anne sent me an email this afternoon to let me know that many of you were defending me to some strange lady. I was freaked out not knowing if I was yet again being stalked out by someone of SD's other family. I just walked in and had 63 comments to read. It took a little time since I would have to stop in between tears to compose myself again. I would also stop to tell DH that "so and so" said this or that. I am amazed that I have made such life long friendships here. This site began as a curiousity and a hope that maybe I would be able to vent a little when I first became a SM. I never thought that I would become so attached to you all and would make such strong friendships and bonds. You all have gotten me (and DH) through some of the worst times of our lives. I love all of you and cannot believe how you guys rallied for me... wait a minute... yes I can. This is the same support I got when all the stuff about SD's abuse first came up. Yeah, you guys were there to keep me going through that too. You guys are not cyber friends or some people I met online. You are my extended family. I cherish all of you.

Let' see... she got of prison on April 27th, called May 3rd to talk to her daughter. A week free and she did not bother to call. Then two weeks later she called again. Called the following two Tuesdays and then dropped off the face of the earth.She went a month not calling and proceeded to tell her family that she tried calling and we would not allow her to talk. Funny thing is we have all the phone records. Well we were very surprised when she called yesterday even though it is court ordered since she has not complied at all. She started going off on DH becuase he asked again for her address since the one she gave us was a bogus address. Then he asked SD if she wanted to talk to her mom. She said yes, but she isnt my mom. SD got on the phone, said Hi and then proceeded to tell BM that she wanted me to be her real mom and why couldnt she sign the papers to do it. BM told her that it was okay to want me to be her STEP mom but not her real mom. SD started yeiing saying that she wanted me to be her real mom because I love her more. BM told her that it was illegal for me to be her real mom and I am only a step mom and for me to to try and be her real mom is against the law and I could go to jail. SD started crying and handed me the phone and walked away. I lost it!!! You don't lie like that to a vulnerable child who just loves the family she has. I got on the phone and told her that she didnt need to lie like that. She started screaming at me, so I went outside where SD could nt hear us. And I lost it! I usually keep my composure and act proper. But I am so sick of all of it. I told her that SD wanted the only mom who loved her and she was nothing but a drug addicted crack whore F**king B**ch. This is so out of character for me. I told her everything I thought and felt and how damaging she is to SD and how selfsih she is. Then I hung up because she was screaming all sorts of obsenities at me.

Ever have one of those days that just gets worse and worse? That was my day today and I am so tired that I can't relax enough to sleep. So here I am at the computer instead. It actually started last night about 11:45 when my kitty (my baby, a beautiful himalayan) went into labor. She was in so much distress and would not let me leave her side. At 1:00 am the first kitten was stillborn. DH helped me and we got her ready for her next one. She freaked and ran under the bed, had the second one which seemed okay. That was all she had. This all ended about 2:30 in the morning, so I went to sleep to the sound of a tiny meowing kitten. DH was supposed to be at the lab at 7:00 to have pre-op lab work done for a procedure he is having tomorrow. At 7:15, my phone rang and woke me up (yup, we overslept). It was my ex on the other end. BD wanted to come home so he was about five minutes away. I jumped out of bed looking like death on a cracker to get to the door. BD is covered in a rash AGAIN from staying with her dad. So I get her in the bath while I am trying to get myself ready. In the meantime, SD wakes up and starts her crap immediately. DH and I finally get out of the house at 8;30, making it to the lab at 9:00. He gets his x-rays and bllod work, but the EKG machine just broke down. So went get sent across town for that. Then the lab screwed up and lost his appointment for a nuclear medicine test that he needed. After fighting with them and the hospital for nearly an hour, we get him in. BUT.... because the dye used for the test is radioactive, it has to be brought in from a secure location. I am freaking out!!! So we waited an hour for it to be delivered, then they began the testing. They told me it would take and hour and a half, and two and half hours later DH came out. I was so scared that something was wrong.

I am at my wits end with SD right now. See, it is almost time for school to start up again and she will be starting first grade. Last year, she was so impossible when it came to homeowrk and behavior. The last day of school, her teacher told me that she COULD be in the gifted and talented program because she is extremely intelligent and her ways of thinking are out of the ordinary. My daughter is in this program and she loves school, gets great grades, etc.

and since there have been many posts on here lately about idiot husbands.... I would like to encourage all of you to refrain from trying to light your DH on fire with the hopes that he shoots into the sky creating pretty colors!

I found this amusing and encouraging. BM has not called in nearly three weeks. She refused to give us her address the last time we spoke. The last conversation with SD, SD told her that I was her mom. We started getting that "feeling" that we get everytime she falls off her clean and sober wagon. Just a hunch we have been harboring because of little hints we picked up on.

I sat down in the waiting area of a salon today because SD decided to be a hairstylist and cut her hair! She used her own allowance to pay for the corrective haircut and I realized how far she has come. do you remember my earlier posts about how out of control she was and the intentional pain she would inflict on all of us? And I sat there today with a six year old that has become such a lovey young lady that I cherish with all of my heart. She sat there flipping through a magazine and then just stopped, looked up at me and very matter of factly said "Have you talked to the judge yet about becoming my real mom, because BM (she used her real name, not mommy or mama or anything else)has never been a real mom to me and I really don't think she will ever figure out how to be a mom. I feel sorry for any babies she has." I was taken back by her maturity about all of it. SHe proceeded to tell me how I was the only real mom she had and if it were not for me, she would not even know what a real mom was supposed to do.

So much for putting my feelings last, so much for being unselfish, so much for trying to be a mom to a child that did not come from me. I have had it. I am always the one who comes on here encouraging everyone to stay strong and take the high road. Today I say F**k all of that! Here I am killing myself to finish college (taking 18 hours per semester / three semesters a year), working full time, helping DH with his business, raising two kids, and deaing with all of the turmoil that comes with being a parent to Madison. And I do it all because I love my family and want the best for them. But today I saw that none of that is appreciated and DH can go jump off a bridge.

Hey everyone, I have been given the opportunity to have a local forum to "preach" my cause. The University here has alloted a time for me to be able to speak about the organization that we are in the process of setting up. I am planning on speaking about (of course) the Campaign for Madi. But I also am going to go into detail about the fact of injustices for fathers and how children can abused at the hands of BM's and still stay in their custody. Hey, you guys all know what comes out of me when I am on my soap box! LOL

I know I am more than likely gonna piss some people off by posting this, but that isn't gonna stop me. I read your blogs about how much you hate your stepkids and how they are destroying your lives. And by all means, many of you have legitimate and viable reasons for feeling like that. And this post is not aimed at you. Once upon a time, I was that way too... in the beginning. I hated everything that being a step parent stood for. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with SD. DH and fight (well, it was me doing alot of screaming and him quietly trying to pick up the pieces of his heart that I had broken into a million pieces). I wanted to leave my marriage and the man I love because I could not accept this kid who was destroying my life. I sat next to my BD who would ask me to get rid of SD because she was tearing up our lives. I was torn in a million pieces. I hated my life. I cried myself to sleep every single night praying to God to take this trouble out of my life. I wanted this child to go live with her BM so bad and I made my feelings and desires very clear. I even started a relationship with the BM in hopes that the communication would assist in transitioning this little girl over to her BM's house. I did this after DH fought so hard to get custody of her. Looking back now, I can see what a rotten person I was being.